i hate you so much youre such an ***

"trying to? you dont look like youre trying to"

no **** sherlock im not showering in front of you

why cant you ever leave me alone?

you always bother me no matter what

what the **** why cant i have a life without you barging into it

i hate it

i hate it so much

i wish youd just leave me alone


so i can die


dont you ever bring up ,y health ever again

mental or not i ******* hate your guts and i know you hate mine too


but dont worry ill be dead soon *******

lovis bought jenny stuff

matt bought kai stuff

robin? well robin bought themself stuff.

mommy says she cant wear a mask out

so she cant protect herself from illness


BECAUSE YOU RACIST ***** WILL BEAT HER UP FOR TRYING TO NOT GET SICK

SO WHAT IF SHES ASAIN?

YOU RACIST RACIST ***** I DONT WANT HER TO DIE

SHE HAS A FAMILY

A LIFE


she doesn't go outside anymore because of you.

so maybe i just won’t

you’re so boring when talking to me
you ignore me
you back out right when we’re about to do something

i hate it

but i shut up about it

because you’re “happy”

i want to leave the conversation but i can’t

you’re being lovey dovey and i no longer feel comfy

and i don’t wanna make you feel bad

as a biological female i bleed for a week every month

when you complain about how you dont want people looking over your shoulder when your writing.


im hiding things because youre hiding things.



at this point im too scared to write anything because you'll see it

im just finding all the ways to finally end myself

i can’t eat an apple without feeling like i’m about to throw up so i just chew it up and spit it out

i blocked all of my irl friends to save me from

"yo are you ok??"

"i saw ur poem, u good?"


because no,

im not okay.


im not good.


but i dont want to worry you

you were supposed to take me to the arcade before school starts up again.

you were.

i guess you didnt have time.

i guess you didnt want to.


i was looking forward to it

who he visits at least once a week,


we drop him off, we pick him up.


he gets picked up, he gets dropped off.


the girl,


short with bangs.

long straight black hair.


young love they call it.

was us plotting to sneak out and meet up at the park in kindergarten

oh, how i remember us,

v  ^ v > >

dancing in your room

v ^ v > > \ \

now , , , she's taken my place,

v > > > ^ v v v - - - \ v - - -

oh, have you heard?

^ ^ ^ \ \ \ - - -

have you heard?

\ - - - -

that she's-

^ \ \ - -

just so-

^ \ \ -


so..


-   -   -

i’ve stopped falling for her,

or so i think.



i’m done with relationships.


i hate getting my heart broken

i felt like you never liked me anyway.

i’ll stop liking her

how else would i describe myself?


i say i’m done with relationships and then

i

complain about not having someone to love


i want a relationship.

i don’t like anyone that much anymore.

nor does anyone like me.


i mean,, all my past relationships were “great” until i get dumped.



****.



no one wants me


fair, we’re only 15.


i’ll be able to drive next year.

graduate in 2.


i just want a ******* relationship.


where i won’t feel like ****

where i won’t be treated like ****

where someone will actually love me

i wanna be in your arms

in your hoodie

snuggled up tight with you by my side


cuddling


small i love yous before we fall asleep


in each other’s arm



is that too much to ask?

even if it makes me uncomfortable



would you like me more

i read your love poems about her and can’t help but to be jealous

found out

dragged me over the couch,


making fall on the wood tile.


i cried

"PLEASE NO PLEASE STOP STOP STOP PLEASE NO"

as he reached for my arms


i want out.

i dont ever want to tell you these things because


you dont know the abuse that lies behind the door

decoding your poems to figure out who it was actually for


love poems for her.

some for me.

i cant figure out why but

there's jealousy stirring up in me.



im not the best right now

im sorry.

i really do love you too.


i just dont- know... how to? tell you



because youre not into us


just like how she felt.




you want her.




"jenny"

i’m sorry.

i’m gonna do it again. almost one month and 20 days clean!

i joke about how i eat so much.

its funny until i actually have to eat.


i cant


god i hate it so much


having to chew on an apple slice until i feel like i can swallow it.


5 minutes.


and then spitting it out because i cant


before i throw it up again

the way you sing along to your songs.

jam out like its nobody's business.

i wanna hold your hand

she would be mad if i told you.

she likes you.

i know you aren’t ready for a relationship. i know.

because you’re new and confused.


i get it man

she really likes you though. like dude,,

i’ve never seen her eyes light up like that.


not even when she was with me

i know you are

just wish you’d just say “yo i don’t wanna be friends anymore”

but you didn’t.

so i deal with your silence

if i told you that the girl you like,


i feel like it’s slowly happening.


slowly falling for her

i saw that bandaid on your wrist

the aftermath of a break up: stage 2

did you ever love me from the start?

i’m sorry, i’m doubting myself.





i just want you to be happy.







if this is how you’re happy then,








i hope you’re happy.

haven’t felt this one in a while.

i never realised how much i loved her.

i knew i did but i never knew how much i did.

sobbing in the bathroom.

there i go

losing another one.


one that i thought would stay.


she wasn’t ready
maybe she was uncomfortable.
no she doesn’t know right now it’s fine.


excuses and excuses.

i’m giving myself excuses.


over a silly dumb girl.


who just left me.


heartbroken.

that was us.



but someone has taken your place.



you gave it up.



its her turn now.

i dont think you understand.

you dont understand how much i wanted you back.


i cried. for so long after i lost you the first time.

first time.


i considered finding people because you.

you dumped me.


and we got back together.



i was happy.


but i was scared, thinking

"is she happy?"


"if i do this, she'll be jealous.,, i better not then."




like you said.


did i feel jealous?


do i feel jealous?



hell yeah.


imagine watching someone you love,


someone who was your best friend,

who you hung out with all the time,


slowly get taken away.

from people you dont even know.



well-


that was me for what,

2-3 years.


i ******* loved you.


with everything i ever had.


everything.


i wouldve given up anything to see your smile.



but it seemed like you didnt want it.


but its okay.


its okay.



maybe i will kiss her in the bathroom.


like how we did.



little awkward idiots in the bathroom.

i finally feel comfortable with wearing my binder outside of home

we shouldnt be doing this because i just broke up with her?


but i said 3 years?



but to be fair,

she said she liked him, one of our best friends, for 9 months.

for 3 of those 9 months, we were dating.



but still.

3 years.

you asked about it.



ive just been pushing down these feelings to the point where they dont exist.


or at least i thought.


i saw you again and they came back.


every time i saw you.


they came back.


so i gave up.


theres your answer

“ you guys get so ****** when i leave but treat me like **** when i'm there
specifically for matt and robin soliel”


****.

thanks.


though you are the one who said that you wanted to avoid us.

you are the one who dumped me. twice.

the one who crushed on one of my best friends during our relationship.

you took out your anger on me by dumping me didn’t you.

you.  

started this drama,

didn’t you?


now your friends are targeting me.


i’m sobbing over you.


because after all, we’ve shared our moments together.



you had my first kiss.

had the title of robins first serious girlfriend.

robins the first one who had a relationship in the group.

robins girlfriend is so nice.


do you even know how much i showed you off to my friends.


“guys this is my girlfriend. isn’t she so pretty? she’s super nice and god- i think she’s the one. i really do.”


“she’s actually really hot.”


“yeah but she’s mine and not yours, loser. she’s mine. she’s my world. i just don’t wanna think about when the relationship will have to end..”


“i’m sure it won’t any time soon. you guys are so happy together. meant for each other!”




**** you.


****.


i hate this.


i’m not one to hate people but i’m starting to hate you now.


please, do tell your little friend so she can glare at me during class again.


i want you out of my life. you dumped me twice and you’re lying on the internet saying that i treated you like ****.


i really guess those nightly texts didn’t mean anything. those facetime calls. they didn’t mean anything, huh?

i need to stop writing about you.

but this is what happens when someone falls in love,

and feels... so.. so giddy.


you might just be an ordinary person,


but to me,

god-

to me you’re like my whole world.


your bright brown eyes lighten up the day.


your beautiful smile makes me warm inside.


your hugs- god your hugs make me feel comforted.


i can’t wait to see you tomorrow

you do like me that way.

i just didnt believe you like the idiot i am.

so you've been thinking about it?

great!

ive been thinking about it too.


for 3 years.


i dont say anything because i know you dont like me like that.


i know you dont

so dont lie.



i-


things would change though.

id be able to call you my gf.

my everything.


these moments we share,

could be our moments.

our memories.



but.


they arent :)

met her first.

got here first.

loved her first.

hugged her first.

watched her cry first.

comforted her first.

saw her first.

cuddled with her first.

played games with her first.

spoke with her first.


me.

i did.


and everyone else came.


and i lost her.