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L Begonia Nov 2017
what is it that possess me to write
why is it that it is so hard to bring thoughts to life
why is it so hard to confront myself

but its so easy to want to bash my own head in
and numb my body
L Begonia Apr 2018
i sit here in my ****** chair
in my ****** life
wallowing in my ****** decisions

i wonder when my brain will allow itself autonomy
as i continue to choke myself with my own *******
L Begonia Oct 2017
sometimes, when my depression sinks in i won't shower for days
i'd rather smoke **** and sink into my bedroom
i let my mind melt, bees circling the inside of my brain in a low hum

when they hum too loud, i smoke again
L Begonia Jul 2018
why is it that i think i can write when i'm drunk
it's one thing to escape our world,
but it's another to escape my own.
L Begonia Nov 2017
how easily i've let being damaged
swallow
my entire existence

i've known nothing more than half committed partners
and my mother's dead relationship

how terrifying being healthy becomes
L Begonia Nov 2017
i have watched my best friend turn on to me
a friend, who was barely a friend at all
a friend, who enabled my addictions
a friend, who only half listened

before it soured, i seized the reins
and like a teacup chihuahua behind a fence
he jabbered
he screetched

and now, my toxic friend
you're leaving

i can barely face you,
not because you scare me
but because you fill me with disgust

i am so glad i didn't not become you.
L Begonia Oct 2017
every time my stomach growls, my face folds into a frown
'i cannot be hungry!' i tell myself, 'i ate at 6pm yesterday!'
it is now 7am

i think about how much money i'd save with only one meal a day
L Begonia Apr 2018
a whirlwind of back and forth
deep regret for not existing like i should
i wonder if all days will be filled like this

crippling thoughts that pick at the brain
wondering if anything i produce will be good enough
enough to coax my ego
and fill the belly of success

enough that i can stop doubting my every move
will it end?
L Begonia Dec 2017
swear to god, *******
i'll drop kick your ***
come an inch closer
try me

if i can smell the *****
pouring out of your plaque infested mouth
i'll break every tooth in your jaw

with one swing
L Begonia Nov 2017
i listen to jazz in the morning
when the sun is not out
and the gloom engulfs my house

i wonder how something so sweet could come from such pain
L Begonia Nov 2017
you cannot give into your
*******
you need to get up
right now
and do everything you said you were going
to do

what happened, lina?
what happened to the spark you had
last night?
why are you so lazy
today?

oh no lina, you cannot run away from your
responsibilities
and prior committments
this is your fault for piling
everything on
your shoulders
rot
L Begonia Apr 2018
rot
i will write all today until i am squeezed of all deterioration
i hope to grow as well as my propagation
when in fact, i am rotting from inside and out
chiseling away at the decay religiously in every word i speak

will i ever be enough for myself?
L Begonia Apr 2018
i liken my growth to the succulents in my garden
sometimes, they struggle to keep up and their leaves shrivel and rot
in the spring, they spill out of their pots
tumbling from the rim in bountiful stems

and every year or so, one may die from mistreatment
overwatered
not enough sun
overcrowded soil

and the next day, the eldest plant blooms
L Begonia Apr 2018
anyways
i called my psychiatrist today to switch
i am growing tired of throwing money at someone who swallows my coins and fails to help me sort through my problems
i was told they'd call me back within two business days

i wait and put my mood swing on hold
knowing i'll cover it all up when they call
L Begonia Nov 2017
have you ever not understood your own happiness?
what is it that gives my life light, that is not dependent on others

is it through my writing,
or am i just not good
enough

maybe i should stop battling my brain over battling others
L Begonia Oct 2017
i don't know how to live in this body
think in this body
breathe in air full of burning metal

i circle until i pass out

— The End —