Forlorn
Heart strewn about the floor
Muscles aching
Waiting at the door
Hoping she could snap and see
Who has the door open for her and waiting.
Be the Titan
The pillar of strength
Knuckles white
The grit on your face
Clenching teeth
One more day
See if you can banish her dismal thoughts away.
Thinking of the right things to say
As I read them clearly everyday.
I know it's futile to fix her mood
But while you play superman
Who's fixing you?
Just because you're strong enough to
You don't have the suffer the lashes she lashes at you.
Not my business
Not my line
I know you'll portray someone who's fine.
Keep it in and smile in front of the lie.
I know better
Cause I'm that girl who's had suitors try to fix her in time.
Nothing to be said
To mend the tracks
To feel the comfort
To make me relax.
And as much as I waited for a salty and blood covered prince
These were all of my problems to fix.
A whirlwind of emotions
Then a blank canvas.
Not that I'm trying to discourage you
Fight the impossible
I've been there too.
I'm hardly looking after you
Behind a screen and looking through
You're not so invisible
That I can't notice you.
Even in the smallest amount
You're not alone in what your talking about.
Just work it all out
In the best way you can.
Broken hearts
Are the hardest thing to mend.
Dearest Frank
Know you have a friend.

"Penny for your thoughts?"
You haven't the change.
Too many to count
And it's not worth the asking amount.
Faded shadows of whispering accounts
Surely your cash could be spent on something more wise
Something more tender
Something more kind.
Bills would stack with each word that came out
I'd put you in debt and without an allowance at all
If you keep asking that question, love.
How about a wishing well?
It takes the jingle of jangling coins
Without asking any questions.
Wishes are worth paying for.
Toss it in
Close your eyes
Tell no one
Or else the wish won't come to life.
Make it a surprise.
Unless you have a *** nickel
Fake currency is illegal
Pay me in jest just to tune out the rest.
You only asked to fill the silence.
And when you're gone and I suddenly see
My payment of my words to you
Was just a big rip off to me.
Take my secrets to the grave?
That's easy to do when you weren't listening anyways.
I know how that game is played
Giving to charity with the smallest amount paid.
Resolving it to be a decent trade.
You could have just looked behind the drawer
Between the couch cushions
In the cracks of the floor.
Your not so ******* poor
To pay the price of paying attention for a minute or more.
And those who have good till to pay
Emptying bank accounts just to hear what I have to say
I tell them all to put their checkbook away.
I'm fine
There's nothing on my mind today.
Here
Have some of my spare change
Let me put it in the jukebox in your brain.
Say whatever you need to say.
You'd tell me for free but you know I'll pay anyways.
Just a little something to get by
Here's a penny for your thoughts
You need it more than I.

He from the motherland
And I a Yankee.
Towered over me
To have a peak.
Thought that I was well bred
Fourth generation white trash,
What was in his head?
Overseas for his highschool learning degree
And he cast his educated eyes on me.
Dabble in some fun, at least.
Tempted to see what would ferment
Plus, what girl could resist that British accent?
He was from an academy
Only the wealthy and upstanding could attend.
I from the public system
With their loud and boisterous trends.
Can't recall how we conversed at first
A friend of a friend
Classic verse.
All I recall is our first meeting
He was taller than what I was expecting.
Saw me and a smiled spread
Took my hand and then he lead.
Horror flick
Of course it was
Dark and close
No intentions lost on us.
We're just kids
There is no rush.
Hands were held
My hair he would occasionally smell.
I kept the Oder of a well baked good
And I sprayed too much
It filled the room.
Drive around
We found his house
Kissing scene
We already spent time talking months before meeting.
It wasn't that we didn't know each other
We just had yet to see the form of one another.
Privacy
We found some shudders
We weren't friends
Or lovers
Can't say that I liked him like a brother
His male intent was unlike the others.
From that day on
We'd hang around
Listening to songs.
Going for walks along
Starlit parking lots.
Two years younger than myself
It was a big deal and I felt
That his attention was a phase of his
When I told him that
He raged and said
"You don't know the way I love."
"You don't see how the other way girls are frauds"
"You think the rich and well to do
Automatically make us smarter than you?"
I didn't have a clue
Standing still in his surprising brood.
Didn't mean to cause offense
I thought I was just making light of it.
And hear his James Bond demeanor snap
Made me reconsider this lad.
Tried to give him solace
It failed
Retorted with
"Aren't you afraid of going to jail?"
My eyes had widened and I laughed
Had to high five him for that crack.
Took it back
Went to the normal way we'd interact.
Prom night on a subtle cruise
"The only one I want to go with is you"
How could I refuse?
Graduated a year before
But what the hell,
My prom ******
And he's hardly a bore.
Dressed up and got ready to go
Then I saw him in a tuxedo.
God save the ******* queen!
How did that find attraction to me?
Still one of my best memories
Of that British gentleman and me.
Never pushing past further than I said
Had those hormones in our heads
But never gave into them
Instead,
We used the back of his jeep to talk.
Of dreams, of songs
Of rights and wrongs
Of tales of who we wanted to be
And occasionally enjoying each other's company.
Turning moments into memories
Some of the best I'd ever seen.
One of the few guys to treat me decently.
One evening
While I was dreaming
I awoke to find my cell phone ringing.
The British were calling, the British were calling!
But this one in particular had been drinking.
Slurring but still sounding amazing.
As soon as I answered
He started proclaiming
"You don't have to say it back to me, but your the girl I find myself loving."
What to do with that.
How do I reply?
Told him to talk to me the next day
When he could see with sober light.
He happily complied
Not regretting a single line.
Didn't take it back and I
Resolved it to being fine.
There are worse things in life
Than being loved by this gentleman's kind.
Not saying that I didn't love him back
But I had demons crawling through these cracks.
Couldn't say out loud
In fact
I never said it all.
Did he hassle me about it?
No
Said his peace
And let it go.
Made ourselves at home
Whenever we were alone.
Adventures in the land of the free
Forgiving me alone for my ancestors dumping all his tea.
And I forgave his ancient monarchy
For not allowing my fore fathers practice faith freely.
Such comparability
Different lives still converging
Once he graduated then
It was time to go back to his motherland.
We both knew our time would end.
Having others in his hands
No fault of his
I let him have them.
The only reason he did, he say,
It's easier to leave them
I'd only make him want to stay.
Understanding
Let's be friends then
We always were,
Then again.
See you off
With your group of friends
Barnes and nobles
Last book binge.
Hug you tight
Walk away
Pull out my phone
Typing away,
"I love you, kid. I hope you don't stay away."
"I love you too, miss"
Replying in his British way.
Kept in touch
Reminisce on random days
My British gentleman
That got away.
Now I come far from that time
We still talk on occasionally lines.
Growing up
And staying fine.
I'm grateful I was exposed
To a gentleman at least one time.

Tangled up again...I couldn't keep myself from the haze and lift that it brings me. I channel thoughts. Giving my addiction excuse to focus on one thing or nothing at all. I could do both. The bowl in my hand is fading. Knuckles bleeding. Stomach wrenching. A life left me. Expecting it to leave maybe 8 months from now but things change. So do people. Let the smoke fill the space between my ears...take me to my little boy. Let me see his smile in my mind. I need it after tonight.

Losing sight of love and this was one I crippled myself for. I loved him for 7 years of my youth. My sparring partner and greatest obsession of the opposite ***. He taught me how to take and give a hit. In more ways than one. Denounced Mormonism and traded it in for something that I thought would last longer than faith. Futile love is always the craze in any generation. Who was I to deny that right of passage? See where I'm getting at?

First to fall for and first to chase. This boy and I took refuge in each other's warped sense of affection. He loved others, of course, while keeping a watchful eye on those I would converse with. They could look but not touch what he had claimed as his. And I was, for all intents and purposes. He was my first for it all. His eyes were the first to glance past the baby fat and crooked teeth. His voice was the first to laugh at the awkward things I'd mumble out. He'd tell me that he loved me before I was pretty.

I became pretty? In the mind of who I imagined to be flawless. Even in the spiraled trap of puberty, he was coveted by the raging hormones of all teenage girls. I wasn't spared. Yet, grateful that I eventually could contest with the face I was consistently in awe with. I let him in me when I found myself to be worthy of his complete touch. He waited 6 years so the boy had been through enough to be rewarded by my maiden's head breach.

God, it wasn't what I expected. I ached and squirmed but not out of pleasure. It hurt worse than getting kicked in the face. I struggled, asked for patience and found that he could choose not to hear me. And out of love, I bit my tongue and closed my eyes. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Turns out the things I tried to forget from childhood resurface in the most familiar ways. Felt the same but different face. Smell of sweat and iron grip. I braced myself to keep the memory in and I managed.

After that it was no more than just a rip. Healing took faster with each ****** of desire he blessed me with. I know I sound like an idiot. Only because I was back then. I also cringe at who I was. Thinking of forever and the like. Blah blah blah. He filled me with more than just his light. Unknowingly accepting it. How could something as sturdy as latex tear? The mystery of the century.

Right around the time he lit up my first joint was about the time I came down with an illness...of sorts. His magic cure was herb. Helps with the nausea. I puffed and held like a champ. Never coughing and receiving the initiative background laugh. I was apart of his pack now. Who needs family anymore when you surround yourself with strangers with an itch and a twitch that can only subside with powders and pills? I could be one of them. Scars and bruises already proved me in.

They never saw a chick hit the way I did. I had the humor of a brother and the swing of a boxer. Perfect combination of a couple. He would show me like a bleeding trophy and I stood proud to be his. Until the sickness got worse. You could guess why. Took me by surprise when the *** stick sentenced me to impregnation. I remember being in shock but smiling none the less. Not even 18 yet and was going to have his namesake in my belly.

Still, I knew him well. Loved and accepted him all the same but...I knew how that game was played. I was pro choice, but loving the child too much to choose that alternative, I saved as much till as I could. I would make a break for it and tell no one. Nothing in my minor name so it'd be easy to leave without a trace. And telling him was already made clear as a bad decision. I would do what had to be done...run to have a chance with my son. I always knew he'd be a boy. Overjoyed and I named him prior to him fully growing. Dillon Quinn Lane. It was perfect for who I'd guide him to be in my imagination.

A month passed without showing and my bank account looked less empty. Downsizing slowly the belongings I had to make the extra cents rise a little without doing the same with my parents suspicion. Or his. Kept my distance as much as I could considering the life I had been recently welcomed to. Confided in one person...it should have been less than that. Word travels fast but I didn't give blunt details and I was safe in saying maybe and not definite. The one I loved wouldn't have any part of it and I would ask for nothing. Turned out his fear started to churn to reclaim his youth before I'd steal it away.

Confronted. Denying and screaming louder with each pulse of sound. He suspects my womb to have opened for vacancy and I show him my ******* in response. That's all the answer he needed without a solid statement from my end of things. A fist to the gut....
No...
Hunched over, cradling who was too small to cradle. Too blind with tears to see the stairwell. He nudge and gravity did the rest. Classic miscarriage. I guess we went as far as we could go in this relationship. I thought quietly at the bottom of those steps.

Afterwards, I gave myself permission to lose my mind. Joined the **** life for fun but now I lived it to die. Tried anything I could get my hands on and grieved numb. Small stretch marks left behind from my little one...he left a small part of himself on me to love. Dillon Quinn. His conception was wanted by only one and I would loved him enough for 100 or more.

Every year around this time I think of him still. Curly hair? Crooked teeth or straight. Would have just turned 6. I now realize the life I wouldn't have been able to give and still I'm wishing and willing him to at least live. Reincarnate to others. Both a mother and father who loved him like no other child could fathom love. He would deserve it after what his previous parents had done. And now I'm too scared to even try again even on purpose. Feeling like I betray him when I don't speak his name aloud.

Clearly, I have some issues to steady out and stabilize. I'm a cynic now and most things I've done and seen no longer phase me to drama. I know who I am and I don't plan on becoming anyone different. Still, if you see a little boy like mine, tell him mommy says hi.

Once again
Word binge
Trying to think of some verbal fringe.
Hope I can bring about some wit
Maybe some confessions I'll actually admit.
Perhaps I'll write 4 poems in a row
Have a temper tantrum to throw.
Try to portray someone that I wish to be
Take pride in the fact that I'm being insane but responsibly.
Try to compete with someone who knows more words than I
Anything to move along this sleepless night.
Sit awhile and stare upwards
Talking to myself until it gets awkward.
Give self advice to which I'll never listen
Try to figure out if I really am a Christian.
Pine and whine and rhyme and cry
Comfort myself by writing lies
Delete it all or reconsider?
Does it help or does it matter?
Feel the butterfly under my pillow
My Smith and Wesson blade it's bed fellow.
Alone in what I thought was shared
My wedding bed feeling bare.
Attempting to practice myself as less impared.
Thinking of ways to improve my snare.
Cradle me through
With words and truth.
You don't need to touch me
Just give me proof.
That I'm not alone
In four walls, boxed
While occasionally getting up
To recheck the locks.
Lots of crime down the block
And it's stirring up the gentile folks.
To think all but 6 years shy
I was the one who they tried to lock out at night.
Being the one who went bump with delight.
Begging for the next big fight.
Domestication
My silent destruction
Made my calloused hands soft and lotioned
My scars now turned to thin lines of redemption
That the body survived
But the soul is still in incarceration.
Maybe if I turned my brain
Away from the gravitational strain
Of fighting to stay alive each day.
Most think that ease is easy
That kicking back makes life worth living.
I tried the kitchen and the big screen tv.
I gave a chance to indoor voices
I gave someone else my harder choices.
I let a paycheck define my courtship.
And now I'm soft and feel like horse ****.
Not all were meant for quiet lives.
Some can't just turn off the flame in their eyes.
Some can't forget the memories that deprives
Them of simplistic everyday joys of being alright.
And the price is to lay awake a night
Bickering with myself instead of carousing for a fight.
Knowing that I chose it all
Welcomed it with my arms all sprawled.
It's devistating to find out your *******.
Derping around and never intended
To listen to myself being regarded
With pity as they talk slowly
As if I'm cross eyed and hearing poorly.
By the grace of God I can wipe my own ***
I can feed myself and drink out of my own glass.
Never thought I'd live to see the day
To look so young and feel so middle aged.
******* rants
Letting my fingers dance
On letters with smug little prances.
Title it for me
I won't sue
I'm sure I've probably titled you too.

Ode to bill
What a thrill
He makes me laugh till my voice is shrill
I don't need a happy pill
When his face is forcing mine to smile against my will.
Groundhogs day
What a play
On how I feel everyday
Repeating time until it strays
To be the same thing in every way.
What about bob?
Can't you see?
He's making me smirk at MY mental instability.
Baby steps
Fake Tourettes
Getting under someone's skin
And yet
Being loved by all the rest.
Who am I going to call
For the busting of ghosts?
I know a number to dispose
Bill has this **** on lock
As he sarcastically lifts his stock
Of zapping tools and his beige frock.
Zombieland
Of course he stands
Among the living and the ******.
Smoking up with strangers is grand
And replaying his films best moments.
In real life
He appears in random sight
Stealing fries and giving love advice.
Too careless to live up to the lime light
Using his fame to live an extraordinary life.
Oh bill Murray
You're a champ.
I hope to adopt your perspective rants
Make my mind go full blast
Of being the best at being lax.
Monotone and so relaxed
I'd buy him a shot if I had the chance
Tequila despite everyone else's request
Your bar tending skills are still the best.
Feeling laughter rise in my chest
Just keep doing what you do
No one else can contest.

I pride myself in the aesthetics
Of my face to my shape
I mask it with humility
So I can grab a bit of your grace.
Vengeful to a fault
I've had my share of someone else's blood on my hands
I smirked as I extract it wrathfully
And destroyed them where they stand.
Immovable without motivation
You can't make me care
Sloths are my favorite breed
To mimic and imitate in their creed.
Say the right kind of words
And my resolve turns into a caress
Make me drip and remove my clothes
Feel your ****** and ignite my lust
Make me care less.
Press the pastry to my lips
One is never enough
Cram that baked good down my throat
What does it matter it it goes to my hips.
Gluttony has it's benefits.
I cast the green eyed glance
Of who has what I lack
**** your money and your rack
My envy is well intact.
Unless you leave it unattended
No witnesses to reprimand me
Let my fingers flee the scene
As your personal belongings now belong to me
It's easy to default to greed
Whenever I'm stealing.
Who wants to be a saint anyways
I have mirrors to crack
With my prideful rage
I have things to put off that I've planned for days
I have **** to eat when you offer to pay.
Even if you looked at me
You'd think my sins are my redeeming quality
Getting away with self involving
My hands around your cheap jewelry.
It wasn't me to which these crimes are pinned.
It was those blasted seven deadly sins.
I'm innocent and at no fault
I'm only guilty when I get caught.

Now I assume
That you'd presume
That I'm ungrateful
And it's true.
You never want what you already have
And he always had a girl that was sad.
Piece by piece
And step by step
We started to drift and forget
That we were in wedded breath.
Sharing, giving, taking, pleading
Constantly forgiving
We never considered leaving
But no one said anything about
Ignoring.
She's down again
Tell me something new
I'll wait it out
Until she's through.
Crying in a separate room
Inconsolable to say the least
I'd went on a hunt for some release.
He couldn't do it all alone
And I was convinced I was on my own.
Discovering I had a friend who was from my home.
I stayed and talked with him
And found in him what I couldn't find at home.
I admit
I confess
Throws your stones
I'll do the rest
Rip the feelings right out of my chest
Oldest trick in the book when your depressed.
I kept it safe for a couple of years
It helped resolve some unsolvable tears.
If I had someone who knew me all
It would be harder to withdraw.
I kept my friendship to the letter of the law.
Things improved for the most part
Started waking up on time
Rediscovered my art
Going to work
Got healthy again
Went on adventures
Made some more friends.
Getting in the swing of living again.
And then I would come home to see
My special room mate with a game controller in his hand.
Just after the next level
Wait for the boss
Let me try again
I lost
Hours faded and night slowly crept
And I stayed awake as he slept.
Thinking it was just a rut.
I was improving and no longer distraught.
It's not a life but it's a start
He didn't need to change a thing
Because the only one who was stopping us was me.
For better or worse
In sickness and health
Wether we were poor and homeless
Or drowning in wealth.
Go to church again
In search for our moral compass
Left feeling next to nothing
Keep going until we had something.
Part seven
Far from heaven
Let's try this religious thing again.

The real life
The long days
He worked so hard
And never played.
And I would be the whining wife
Accusing him that he stole my life
Appeared in some insolvable fits
He'd walk in and try to fix it
My spirit seemed to never lift.
Held me tight
I pulled away
He tried to bring me back to the present day
Why I wallowed away
In the past.
Forever it would last
I paced the floor to kick it back
While he was trying his damnedest to make me laugh.
Listen to this song
Make some art
What's wrong sweety?
Please don't fall apart.
The comfort that he tried to impart
Was useless as I broke his heart.
He thought that we should leave the country
Pull me out of my past and flee
Little did he see
My past life came with me.
Japanese ground
Different tongue
I tried to keep from acting young.
Held my sound in for too long
Until I was deaf and much too forlorn.
I would watch myself get intense
Like an outer body experience
He prodded himself, at my expense,
To love me without consequence.
If he didn't, it meant he lied
And I could see it again in his eyes
I prepared him for a rocky life
But he was shocked when my prophecy came by.
I tried so hard to apologize
Going up and down and side to side
Inside the confines of my brittle mind.
Open the windows
Let the sun in
Let's go for a walk
Get out of bed.
Maybe a job would to the trick
And it did...for a little bit.
Making light of moody fits
I allowed him to stray a bit.
Naked ladies on the screen
I didn't look like the girl of his dreams
I snooped a bit, I wish I never did
The words said to someone else that I had to quickly forgive.
No worse than that things I've ever done
I'm not one to sit and judge
Let the silence in me run
Far away
Cook a meal
He'd never come
By a skirt
He never saw
Get together
With some of his other sailors
And let them make some fun
Of me.
The crazy one he came to keep
In his home and in his sheets.
It was how it was to be
I felt comfort in negativity
Letting all the creepy crawlies
Make my thoughts forgo the follies
I can hardly victimize
Myself and my despise
I created a life with my own hands
I became a *****
And he a stronger man
For putting up with it.
Never thought that I would miss
The quiet kid in part one
Long before number six.

Pull up
Parking lot
30 minutes early
Feels like a lot.
A/C doesn't work
Smoke up for nerves
Not the wacky tobaccy
That's just absurd.
Job interview
Clan of the waitressing brood
Make me one of you.
I know how to take orders
And bring out your food.
Take the phone out of my hands
Give my some daily plans
Make my unemployment take a stand.
Save my bank account from blanking
It's not much that I'm asking.
Use the waiting game to plan a conversation
Give me a purpose in this great nation
I have plenty of patience
Unruly folks and their aggrivation.
Waiting on fries and I can shake it.
I spend too much time being white bred.
Clearer head with smokey resolve
Grip my hand and don't do it gently now
Let's them know you mean business
Don't show desperation just to be a waitress.
Give a smile
A joke or two
Don't make me wait
To be one of you.

Ps- if you were curious enough to know
I got the job
And soon I'll have money to show

Alice in chains
Rattling themselves in my brain
Nutshell's melody makes a play
One lyric is ingrained
"And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead"
Truer words were never said.
There's no one else I could try to be
Better than the woman that is me.
I may have all these lofty dreams
Wishing to break outside of me
But also I'm bound by Alice's chains
That remind me that I'm not meant to change.
Into you or by someone else's guidelines
They worked their own time
Just to find
The person who fits that rhyme.
I simply must comply
That I'm no better or worse than my crimes.
They made me who I am today
Alone or surrounded by others sway.
Inspired to act out in infamy
Or be an angel blessed with her wings.
Talking love or shouting hate
Staying pure or *******
Throw the punch or keep fists still
It's all depending on my will.
The devil made me do it
I think the quote is full of ****.
If he makes my pulse erupt
And then my voice drink that bitter cup
I might as well not choose at all
Since he's responsible for my personal flaws.
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead.
Truer words were never said.

Lift those lids
Evict those dreams
Sit up straight
Don't let the pillows do the talking
Drink the crack
You need the snap
Of energy to keep you from the collapse
Are your clothes clean?
Are the monsters fed?
Oh how I'm pining for my bed
Clear the fog out of my head
Meet the sun with a smile not dread
7am is a ****** time
To turn my mumbles into rhyme
Time to hit the daily grind
My body says sleep
The sun is screaming in it's shine.
Early to bed
Early to rise
Makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise
Maybe I just stole that line
To get myself back up this time.

It's funny how the numer five
Is almost spelled like the word fight.
You can only guess, that's right
This quiet boy learned all about spite.
As soon as the ring was slipped on
So were the gloves
If you're not fighting
It's not love.
Give me some grief to work us through
I never expected some of the words that came out of you.
Remember the things I told you that you accepted so completely?
Turns out he used them as ammo when I started disagreeing.
I'm always wrong with the words I was speaking.
It's ok
I'll take the blame
After all you're to be my husband someday.
Let's get it all out in the open
You're the bread winner
And I'm just a rebellious woman.
Kiss my cheek and smell it enough
I've been smoking again and again I broke your trust.
Paying for the wedding out of my own pocket
While I pick and choose
You said, "whatever I wanted"
I wanted a civil union
Quick and easy...no family reunion.
Use the rest of my savings for the honeymooning.
Honeymoon phase was all but gone
When I agreed to put that plastic ring on.
You wanted a wedding with the church and the priest
And to witness your mom weep
At seeing her son be passed on to a child as young me.
Barely out of my teens
20 years old isn't a wife to keep.
She told you I was too young to stay
You heard her words and proposed anyways.
Making it known that my habits were causing our soon to be tied knot to fray.
Even though I made it known about who I was on the very first day.
And as a martyr you'd reply
You still saw your future wife
Inside my eyes
Well, ****!
Pull her out and let me see
That girl your speaking of is someone I'd like to meet.
Trying to keep my demon at bay
I gritted my teeth and smiled away.
I figured it'll all be okay
Once I stood at the alter and I do'd my devil away.
In the midst of the wedding planning
I went out some nights to see friends
And driving
Down memory lane.
It felt all but natural to me
The be around the ones who grew up with me.
My musician love, my blast from the past
Kissed me when we visited the past
I let him touch my lips but never kissed back.
The songs we wrote are no longer mine
And to him I sobbed a tearful goodbye.
There was a new love in my life
And when I told you
The truth didn't set me free
It was another bullet I handed to you
So you could get a good shot in at me.
Blind folded and against the wall
Take your shot
I can take it all
I'm a babe, what do I know
I'm just a ******* 20 year old.
Day before our marital bliss
Another came to give me good wishes.
One last joint was his version of giving me away
But then tried to convince me to run away
With him
Still cloudy I rejected
My will was now infected
With pleasing you and your good intentions.
And now at the alter and very high
I told my old self to say goodbye.
No one wanted that part of me anyways
I banished her to hell
And in hell she must stay.
A kiss
A smile
My wedding haze.
Too bad my soberness was miles away.
It snowed that day
Like an omen after part 5
We practically fought everyday.

I remember clearly
The night he ended up proposing
It was late and he was sleeping over
Till his new apartment was getting ready to sign over.
We cuddled and talked
And I decided to walk
Back to my room where my sleeping would start.
My phone buzzed and I looked to see
It was his text asking
"Come back to me"
Down the hallway
Was too far of a journey
And at the end he was down on one knee.
Sleepy resolve in my brain thought he was searching
For something in the dark and he was working
To find it.
Turns how he was looking
For my hand and found my eyes
Then asked if I would spend my life
With him.
How to answer a 3 am inquiry?
Was he really asking me?
If I say no then it could break
The progress I worked so hard to make.
Still in darkness I agreed
Knowing that I couldn't find anyone better for me.
Who else would look at me so lovingly
Promising me to never leave?
That's the problem with suddenly feeling
When you do, you do it negatively.
Pondering extensively about your worth
And the other options in life could be worse
Then being wedded to a man
Who vowed to love and always stand
By my side until the end.
Who I could consider my friend
And not just the nicest guy I've made love with.
My past was sketchy and here was my chance
To erase the roughness of that sketch.
I prayed to make the best of it
But god forgot to listen, I guess.
The things I confess
Isn't out of innocence
It wasn't god that ruined my faith
In a sense
It was me
And I take full responsibility
Of where my fearful actions took me.
So we add libbed an engagement ring
From a local food lion vending machine
I had no use for diamonds or sparkly things
From someone to prove their love to me.
Being loved should be proof enough
All the rest was material stuff.
Once word broke out that I was engaged
I lost some friends that I had from back In the day
The guys who I collected hearts from
Crawled out of the wood work and then begun
To whisper memories of them and I
They sprinkled the magical "what if" dust behind my eyes.
Some I was devistated to leave behind
They were a huge part of my life.
Lose the ring or say goodbye
To everything we brought to light.
The friendship, the comfort, the lengthy nights
Filled with the conversations that got me by.
I found myself alone during that time
My fiancé had me all to himself and he said it was his right.
No one else should catch my eyes
Regardless of those he spoke to
Ex loves of his life.
It seemed fair and I couldn't disagree
That the ones I had love had many times misled me.
Preaching love eternally
Then turning their backs when my heart would bleed.
No one else could possibly love me
Except for this boy who was taking me.
Part 4 is when I gradually declined
From a petchulant child warrior
To a ***** peeing herself behind the firing line.

In regards to this boy I'm introducing
Part 3 to the 6 year rant that I'm logging.
After awhile I began warming
To his quiet affectionate persisting.
I took his hand on rare occasion
Kissed him with some hesitation
Poured my soul for him to see
Until he asked me to meet his family.
I mean, he had met mine
And that was fine
But I had no clue how to find.
That good impression I had long left behind
It's buried deep in my careless mind.
His mother and father kept up with their time
His sister, like him, was very shy.
I tried to dress like I had my life
Under control and tried to pass off the lie.
It seemed strange to me
That this boy I claimed to be loathing
Was slowly creeping inside and splitting
My delicate chaos so orderly.
He comforted me in what I thought was my prime
When I saw my gang wise counterpart die.
He knew my siblings with a smile and said
Wouldn't it be great if our families converged?
I took it with a grain of salt
Because I thought his convictions would slow with a grinding halt.
Taking every secret I parted with
Inside himself and pulled strength from it.
Thinking I was meant for him
If I changed my ways...and for him I did.
I found it within myself
To leave that life I vowed never to live without.
To kick the habits and the foul mouth
And try to commit to god and be devout.
Went to church
Said my grace
Greeted my trials with a smiling face.
Took my chances just to see
Who god intended me to be.
I had faith and started to dream
I had hope
Silly me
As soon as I latched onto to praying scene
That's when his resolve started slipping.
And all if it was thanks to me.
I was rubbing off on him while he was rubbing off on me.
Boys will be boys
With the girls that they chase
While my thoughts turned pure
His turned less chaste.
I could see it in his face
Every time we were alone at his place.
We were only human
And I knew all too well
That little by little
Our integrity fell.
What we were waiting for after our wedding vows
Turned into how many times could we get away with it now.
The honest woman I had hoped to be
Remained as a girl living secretly.
And the guilt inside was eating me
That the values he had, by my hand, slipped into nothing.
I tried many time to break it off
Because his values weren't worth swapping for my touch.
I started reverting back to what I had felt
Nothing
Which, for me, was the easiest ways for things to be dealt.
I grabbed that hope much too quick
To think it would last without working for it.
At least I'm self aware enough to admit
That I turned my husband to the dark side where it was nothing but ****.

I apologize in advance
If the things I write vary from rage to lax.
I not a writer of stories or lies
The only story I know is the one that lives behind my eyes.
I'm a lover of fictional lives
The books I read are unlike mine.
I tried
To write a falsehood once
With a pencil and paper
Is was a bust.
The more of the character I wrote
Was a jaded youth
A story much like my own.
I decided to cut the middle ground
I wrote about myself.
It's not pretty in the least
Bits of clouds covered in my words
Sarcastically.
I loved
I lost
I watch my prose turn to rust.
I was foolish enough to trust
Those who used my words for a gram of kush.
Therapy is expensive
And so are the meds
My memories are too cheap
To sell out of my head.
Hello poetry is free
And I don't need to look at your eyes while you're judging.
I'm not a martyr
I'm hands are covered in red
I'd rather be the offender
Than to ever be a victim again.
I try to be as nice as I can
To cover up my cynical hatred.
I try to speak my truth out loud
And it's piled up to a little amount.
I stumbled
I stuttered
My emotion became a safety shroud
Of always knowing that you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Ignorance is bliss
And I love being hard to miss
Fit in the crowd
Of a faceless pit.
My whining doesn't mean ****
But just as long as I get rid of it.
Sure the views are great
And I can allow people to relate
Oh, I'm trending?
Your approval isn't really something that is pending
In my mind.
It's appreciated
But it's not the reason why I live.
I'm sure most of you have less than two ***** to give.
But thanks for letting me vent all the same.
I'm one of many that goes to show
If you can't write lies
Then just write what you know.

Sabotaging double dates
My sister and boyfriend had to sedate
My annoyed attempts to avoid
Him in that theatre as he employed
To the position of pining boy.
Hold my hand?
Not a chance
I had others around for my romance
Others I could pick and choose
In this game of catch and lose.
I had no need of his bleeding heart
Don't  look at me in the dark.
The cinema isn't my idea to spark
Such feelings of affection to impart.
Drive back home, crowded car
You sat too close and I wished for the door to ajar
Tuck and roll
Anything to leave this troll.
Dropped them off to their abode
He wanted a hug and I said no.
High five my hand or nothing at all
I could see his expectations fall
I didn't even care at all.
After that it always seemed
He showed up everywhere that was close to me.
Church, my work and other things
Couldn't make this boy detach from me.
Followed me around like a lost puppy.
I thought I was the chick and I was supposed to be needy.
On the side I would thrive
Inside my own destructive life
Always a knife on my person
Taking cash, smoke up and blur my vision.
Giving no one my permission
They're all just *****
Following my intuition
3 missed calls from his good mission
To slay those dragons
To save me from my prison.
I didn't want to be saved
I was that dragon he searched to slay.
Stop calling me everyday
I have drugs to sell
And habits to pay.
Wake up and read his texts with rage
You don't exist for me today.
You don't understand I'm trying to spare you
Of all the things my hands could do to you.
Nice guy like you
Shouldn't be with me alone
I could **** you.
In more ways than one
I might not win battles
But wars, I've won some.
Play of wills
You won't hit back
Think you can change me?
Well take a crack.
Warning you that I cheat and steal
I'll make you love me for the thrill.
You can't make me feel against my will.
Check your wallet
I stole your till.
Part two of what you see
Is how my husband
Coveted me.

There was a time I thought you to be dangerous
6 years ago
Too nice
Too shy
Too right
And I
Couldn't be more far from you..
My hands across those ivory keys
And then you found me musically
Appealing.
I didn't know you were watching me.
Your best friend,
Dating my sister then,
Turns out you confided in him
Trying to find a way to me
And I still didn't know your name.
We met, of course
You wouldn't speak to me
And I would not give in easily
If your words couldn't come out and say
Then I had no problem walking away.
You got the courage on your birthday
To ask of I could possibly go on a date.
I said no and to stay away
I have enough friends
And your not molded out of the same clay
As they.
That's alright
He stopped by at my craft store and he smiled
I'll just be a little while
If you're not working for eternity
Maybe you could find some time for me.
And I was offended obviously
That he wanted a piece of my company.
Nice guys finished last
And he was unaware that he wasn't in the running.
Was there possibly a way that I
Could keep myself out of his light?
I'm made for dank and darker places
Angry boys with scowling faces.
I could eat his good intentions up
I could make his tears full cups.
I would be as blunt as hell
To get him off my smell.
And I might as well
Turn his hello into a fare thee well.
But then I let his mouth make sounds
He spoke to me
He stuck around
And it wasn't that I deliberately
Enjoyed his company.
He saw a glimmer inside of me
And that made me want to set it aflame completely.
His kindness killing me.
Well, I have hatred up my sleeve
And it's always worked effectively.
But then it backfired on me
****, I found out that he was funny.
In the sense he wasn't trying to be.
Best described as innocent and dorky.
Don't laugh at his jokes
Don't smile at him
Don't let him know
That you're human.
Guys like him are drawn to that.
Rough around the edges but in fact
There's a heart of gold in there.
He's an archeologist
And I an ancient lair.
Pulling and digging and finding and thinking
That it's a grand discovery
You're not so bad
But that's not me.
What you think are diamonds
Is just the dust reflecting
Off of something it's simply mimicking.
Step one of how I'm now confessing
How I met the man I happened to marry.

Ten years shy of our interlude
You watching me punching you.
First impressions were insude.
Who would have thought they would have lasted as long as you?
Hardened shells
Never crack
Passing notes
Hear you laugh.
Searching hallways
Looking back
See your face
Give me that.
A casualty of a hacky sack.
Keeping face and holding back.
Hug me tight
Apology
You won't see a single tear from me.
Turned your back away from me
Never wanting comforting
Especially from the likes of me.
Hugging back
Selflessly
Making you see this isn't me.
Highschool drama
**** those llamas
Keeping rage to a tolerable somber.
Pretending not to see you leave
So far away from my company.
Feeling others pulling me
Away from your integrity
Intentions made so violently
Trying to hate you
Have you forgetting me.
Angry notes are pushing
You farther and farther away from me.
Making us complicating
Something as simple as you and me.
**** this ****
I want this
Complicate me with our trust.
Let me be the one you dance with
When there are others you dismiss.
Passing up what could have been our first kiss.
Day of love
The day I hate
Who needs a valentine?
It could **** my taint.
Down the hall behind your back
A little flower
Now I'm trapped.
Handing it to me
Watching a smile grow widely.
Making my words into hypocrisy
Now they know I'm a girl and see
How you're cracking every bit of me?
Kissing cheeks
Make us blush
Never stopping our blood from the rush.
Holding hands
Intertwined
Finishing sentences
Reading minds.
It almost felt like you were mine
Before life parted us with time.
Far away
Computer screens
Catching up
Living things
Watching you love and letting you be
At least we had the memories.
Fell into some habits
So did you.
What is our lives coming to?
Feeling the shells harden again
Please don't break it
Let me pretend
You don't see me on this end.
You won't be proud of the things I did.
Fall off planets
Wedding bands
Stand at attention
No longer in each other's plans.
Seeing the world is the latest trend.
Asian continent
Back on earth we land
What are the odds
Of you planting your legs where I stand?
Aisle walks
Who's at the end?
Selecting food with a friend.
Stand like a statue
As I ascend
Hardly believing we're breathing the same oxygen.
Did you shake?
When I wrapped my hands
Around your back
Am I an illusion?
Miles from home
And I found my friend.
Bring my songs back to life
Thinking we've change
Together that's a lie.
There's much to do about nothing
To pick up where we left off back then.
The mold I'm squeezing myself in
You trying to keep yourself busy
Any excuse to have a run in meeting.
Find religion
No, but you'll spend time with me.
Watch me do some mormoning.
Maybe come over for some holidays
See the part where I'm cooking things.
Confiding in you that I hate Christmas
And you full heartedly agree.
It's not that bad though on the couch reminiscing.
Pull out year books and point out people
Together hating
What have you been up to since leaving me?
I love long stories
They won't bother me.
Once again fingers entangling.
Almost forgetting to whom I'm belonging.
Don't remind me of what I'm craving.
Here...look at these girls
They're all that you need.
The attention you give me only makes me think.
FHE hide and seek
Sit in my car
Listen to me sink
Oh, you met someone
Isn't that neat?
She makes you laugh
She helps you feel less lonely.
It wasn't until you had us meet
That my inner envy began to creep.
That night before deploying...
Even in front of her
You saying that you loved me.
And I believing it being more than friendly.
6 months out
Desert sands
Losing someone you thought you had
On both of our ends.
Ask advice
The hell if I know
The same thing is happening to me.
I wish it wasn't how it came to be.
A matter of time before you return to me.
Work day
In my registers place
I'm the first you choose to chase
And in response I jump to your embrace.
Relieved you came back in safety.
You came back home
And my home came back to me.
Darken sidewalks
Hand in hand
Tell me how you spent your time in the sand
Your place now
And I confess
There's things I feel
Parts of you I missed.
Expecting you to call me out
It's not fidelity if I say it out loud.
And yet you don't
You mimic me
Telling that you had been missing
Me.
At least we know
We said our peace
No further even though our doors are opening.
Don't swing wide
Don't let me feel your breeze.
Just one toe in
That's all I need.
Game of thrones
Barrack rooms
Wondering what I said to you
Just lay down
Don't go too far
Non make out session
Our hearts pound hard.
I'm on top
My face too close
Touching lips
The story goes
It's you and me
Staring
Can't believing it to be happening.
Just this once and then no more
Kissing as if we never had before.
Trying hard as hell to not want more.
All convictions to the floor
Loving each other like there's a settle to score.
But it doesn't count if you don't say
That you love me in anyway.
Let's keep it casual, I say.
Let's try to stop this all today.
Going out
Drinking scene
I'm trying to look pretty.
And you always look good
In whatever you throw on
Inebriated I try to make you sing a song.
Go out for some air
Let the drinks speak for me
Telling you I love you right then and there
Regardless of whoever could hear.
Moving too fast but I didn't care
If I lost you again at least of have it out there.
Drink me up into your cares
I'd rather be here than where I came
While you tell me you love me all the same.
It's probably wrong for both of us to say
But we've know it too long to be too ashamed.
Let someone else take the blame
Of constantly getting in the way.
Evenings spent in each other's sway
Till he calls or we get too carried away.
Not letting me go home just yet
Don't leave me alone
Don't make me forget
The places I've kissed on your neck.
Crevices discovered
New places of wonder
In and outside of those covers
No control
Let's leave the room
In the zone
Inhale those smoking fumes
Stupid smiles
To one another
They all knew about us and each other
The lust branded us both lovers
Except for that certain act
We broke ourselves not to rein act.
Kissing can be forgiven
But that sure as hell can't
Only when we belong to each other
Would we ever do that.
When and not if
After all of this
We felt too much with every kiss.
Placing each other in each future scenario
Naming kids and watching them grow
In our heads.
Plucking out names as we star gazed
Debating on waiting or straight away
Having our perfect family.
Talking of sharing our lives alone
But we weren't alone.
Knocks on the door
Back home there was met
Someone who found out our little secret.
Confronted
Turns out that I was actually wanted
Could have fool me by his quiet neglect
And we were both being treated like back stabbing suspects.
And that's when the guilt in me crept.
Stronger than I, you stood your ground.
Feeling bad for the conflict but not for being around.
Wanting to protect me from every sound
Of rage and breaking hearted rebound.
And after that it was like a divorcing trial
He'd have me all week and then you on the weekend but only for a little while.
Trying to keep myself going wild
Trying have both of you smile.
Stupid me
Now I see
I'm not the kind of person meant for sharing.
Back and forth and still I'd be
Exposed to 360 degrees of jealousy.
And on top of that you were leaving me.
Not deliberately
Not intentionally
Not wanting
To see me fade away into nothing.
Do our time
Make it count
Get the claw and pull nemo out.
******* there's a gloomy bear?
10 more tokens then we're there.
Photo booth
Print it clear
That we happened. We were here.
Walk a trail and find a tower
Watch the sunset from the water.
Skip those rocks until I get it right
We were always worth the fight
For any of those memories to see the light.
Knowing though right now can't be
Someday you ask to marry me
I've been asked that before
And you see where that got me
You don't blame me for the disbelief
And your ever hopeful eyes still plead
Never thinking back in spite
The things we felt on your last night.
Folding socks
Packing tight
Kissing time away that night.
Interrupted
And I left
Feeling so in completed.
Watch the clock before you take off
I need to make it now or not
Walk right through the terminal doors
And all of your resolve plummeted to the floor.
One last time and then no more.
It's hard enough to say goodbye
I can't do it when you have tears in your eyes
Trying hard to hold back mine
All we wanted was a little more time.
We always joked of how
Hours went by like seconds now
God allowed time to slow
When you're feeling miserable.
In the line
Watch you fly
Now it's only me, myself and I.
Hoping one of us can keep our memories
As my tangible one fade away from me.
Try again to recommitting
To the one I left hanging.
Trying to still be in your mind
But letting go to prove him right.
Then he left me high and dry
Should have saw that coming as soon as you took flight.
Hoping you put me from your sight
Burn my letters and live your life right.
While I deny myself the right and mine
Thinking I deserve it for my crime.
Breaking 3 hearts including mine.
Pass the time
I need to be better
I need to follow his life to the letter
Thinking I don't deserve much better
The one who you had wants out but I won't let her.
Feels like I waited forever.
Reconnected the line to the wrong receiver.
Thought I had done what I thought was best
Hearing your voice say those words and I couldn't contest
With your distance and your suppressed
Empathy for my distress.
It's the undeniable consequences.
Let myself fall of the surface
Breaking ties
Become the enemy
Become the very kind of person
I spent my life loathing.
Prey upon those who'd believe
All the pretty words I'd seethed.
Who knew it could be this easy
To make someone else fall in love with me?
Faceless guys who tripped to see
Any kind of attention from me.
Getting drunk every evening
Just to **** the part of me with feeling.
Touch me want me kiss me taunt me
Think you've made me the one who's wanting?
And then the prodigal boy who bounced me
Came back when he saw what I was flaunting.
You would have rolled your eyes at me
With everything that I was portraying.
Going back to the way I was playing.
In my defense I wasn't thinking.
About him.
About you.
About myself or what I had to do.
Deny the basic human right
To feel some happiness
To feel alive.
Take the bottle and the pills
Waking up the next morning
Disappointment with a side of chills.
At least it was a wake up call
Trying to control it all
If I was going to let myself fall
I didn't want to inconvenience anyone at all.
Play the part
Say the words
Live the lie
Make it work
Made my plans
Aligned with his
Come back home and he leaves again.
Knowing in the back of my head
You were somewhere else
And you lived.
Maybe someone was warming your bed.
Last we spoke, someone did.
Trying to keep my space again
I'd done enough as it is
For you to want to see my face again.
So I had thought
And I did.
You were waiting for my message.
Even if it was just as friends.
Facebook stalking
We both admit
We'd do it weekly until one of us
Started talking.
Passing thoughts
Wait for an update
Profile pictures
Changing
I kept taking more and more
Note on your tagged photos
Wondering who took those.
Did you still have the ones I took?
When you were alone and thinking
Did you have a look?
Did you ever think of me?
Why the hell aren't you messaging?
Then I, with silence breaking
"Hey there stranger...."
Message seen
Then you said you were willing me
To say those words through the screen.
Find out how you were close to me.
How did I feel about visiting?
Driving three hours to my county
And now to you I'm nervously driving.
Pulling up next to you
*******!
When did he get so huge.
Wait a moment for my breathing to ensue.
Unbuckle, get out and walk to you.
Pulled me in
Was the first thing you do
And the the feeling came rushing through.
Like some ****** on a binge
God, it felt so good to be held again.
Trying to avoid holding hands
Check me out
And I'll check you back
Tease each other
Make me crack
Almost kiss
Pull away
**** this ****
Do it anyways.
Walking in public places
Didn't help the pulsing phases
The time apart didn't diminish the traces
Of the physical draw, we just misplaced it
Maybe we should go back to my place
Watching some film while we look away
Baby, let's not get carried away
Close call
You almost made me fall
Crazy how that felt like no time at all
Till we're back on the same spiral.
Catch a glimpse of my swinging face
Smile now frown now back to our places
It's hard to feel so far away
When I stare at your face through this screen everyday
When I fall asleep to your voice at night
When we speak of drawing first blood
How hott it would be to fight.
Making business meetings
Into merging companies
Telling secrets
Making scenes
Silly faces
Fairly lands
Does it bother you?
It never did.
Trying to make my life less complicated
Convincing me
That the ground your standing
Is the one you claimed
Like planting a flag down in the name of your country.
Come to my door
Pull the beasts away from the floor
Then I'm against the wall
Pick me up
Never letting me fall
First impressions are the best
You say hello in a way if can't contest
Trying to keep the shake from your hands
As you fiddle and press all my buttons
Road trip riots
Scream out windows
Call me maybe?
That poor couple.
Amusement parks are just a perk
We're already amused together with the way we work.
Baby, I love you, turn around!
******* A!
The sloth you found!
My jaw almost hit the ground
I went full ****** just now.
Lemonade ice
Wishing wells
Tattooed dad's
Hands are held
Fight the straw
In your mouth
Remind me of my stature
Elbow on my head
Apologize
Kiss my face instead.
See a family struggling
With capturing their own memory
Tell me to ask and see
If their picture could be taken by me
So shy by your own generosity
I lovingly agree
Sleepy now
Wearing out
First time sleeping all personal.
Promise to stay
Regardless of what's happening?
We don't have to go all the way.
Naked now
If you kiss you lose
Did you kiss me
Or did I kiss you?
Alarm clock ******* up the sleep cycle
Waking up to see you smile
Morning breath
Just give me a little while
Get up from bed
Pull me back down
Put on your shirt
Take it back off now.
Taking care of canine kids
Taking a shower while you sit
Ready to go back on the road
Walgreens, gardens, now my favorite abode.
Secret spot that I show
**** rubbing that tree made me giggle.
On the strip
Arts and crafts store
No, I've never been in there before.
We both enjoy what we see so far.
*******.
They're playing Fast Car.
Stares are swapped
Grins are spread
Sharing that secret
Like we did.
Waiting till that song did end
To head to our next destination.
Walk up hill
Serious talk
Sit on grass
Picture swap
Ninja pose
You're built like a rock.
Find some food
But it's too crowded to walk.
Jason's deli has what we want
Only conflict is the drinks that we bought.
You like mine better?
I like yours too
Problems solved
Let the trade ensue.
Ticking clock
Almost time to leave
Rewinding parts of mr nobody
Trying not to let me see
How much you don't want to leave.
Kiss me like you don't want me to,
******* this kid is making me lose it too.
Get in car
Drive away
Call me soon
Drive home safely
FaceTime ******* us off incessantly
If we were in person
We wouldn't need this ******* thing.
Hardly an hour past, and then
You ask when you can see me again.
Make some plans
Rinse repeat
Tabb throw back
Dairy Queen food endeavor
Food lion **** break
Tim minchins radio doppelgänger
Read my brain
You thought it too
Art museum
I'm gunna get you
Riled up
And frustrated with me
It's hard to walk when in my ear
You're whispering
Do you hear a piano playing?
Let's trek back and see
The master of that melody
Hunting down the elderly
That old guy is you
And the old lady is me
Speaking of our future constantly.
Back to the ride
The glove box won't comply
Get some wire to compromise
Take me to get some shakes and fries
Wandering in the mall's walk lights
Going back across the bridge
My paranoia of the road permits
Squeezing your hand every five minutes.
Relax
Scream and step on the gas
You sure know how to make my brain go lax
Check on the kids
And then pursue
The slumber party
Take two
Messing up the room info
King sized bed
Downgraded to two q

Waking thoughts
Lyrics to a song
Shuffle through the playlist
Find the perfect one.
Too many can describe
My mental alibi
So I just take a little time
For the lyrics to fill my mind.
Growing up there was no blue sky rhyme
Metallica, pink Floyd and the cure
Were the ones to describe my youthful shrine.
Older plays
Took some blues away
How is it that I wasn't born
In the Woodstock age?
The doors, temptations, Jim Croce
Carol king
God! It's so godly when they sing.
Then I had to hit that puberty
Like a brick to the face
Picking out my own musical taste.
Adema, korn, Dresden dolls, tool.
Stone sour, shinedown, nine inch nails
Stone temple pilots and more as well.
Give me lyrics that could scream
All the screaming out of me.
Little did I know that in my scene
I thought my music was defining me.
I'm not music. Just flesh and bone
Maybe I should expand my treble tone.
Throw some chicks in there, you know?
No one should have a song on repeat
And have that be the song you hear when we meet.
So I searched for some musical relief
I enjoy a good scream sometimes
But that's not all I breathe.
Some motion city, say anything,
Yeah I like akon, lady sovereign,
A perfect circle and deftones
Classical Mozart and Beethoven makes me feel right at home.
Silver mt Zion, some Phillip glass,
Michael nyman, now I've achieved some class.
Pink when I feel like pop or brass
Punch guys in the **** cause I'm a chick
Hell yes!
No not really. The **** part, I mean.
But I actually really do like pink.
Jon Bon jovi or Otis redding
When I want to think of this guy that I'm loving.
I might have lost track of the lyrics I was originally thinking
But with my selection I'm derailing
With musical tasting.

He thumb is green
He grows a lot.
Wether it's in age or flowers
Or weeding pots.
His dog is about as as gray as he
And they shuffle around outside
Shuffling.
He keeps his time well to himself.
No use for material wealth.
Keeps up his ride
Each Saturday at noon
Goes to church every Sunday with his wife
How cute.
Picks out the litter outside my porch
With his quiet little stroll and cane
While I smoke and watch.
We had a conversation about music once
About Simon and Garfunkel, Skeeter Davis, and the Beatles.
He has some ink on his arms from youth
Back when he was fighting wars too.
Military vet
I know cause his wife likes to brag.
He's always asking how my day was met.
And I asking to help
To carry his bags back to his house.
No thanks, I'm fine.
You're so kind to ask.
You don't hear those kind of words from my generation class.
I saw his kids visit only once.
Like gran Torino, he just tolerates the bunch.
Get off my lawn!
With a shotgun in hand.
He'd be so badass had he done that, man.
Always first with his helping hands
Trying to spruce up the surrounding land.
Maybe I would too if he
Showed me how to plant some seed.
My garden is imaginary
But real flowers grow on his side of the street.
The elderly gent in 608
Is someone I look for on a daily rate.
I wrote of him because he's entitled to
Being heard of and remembered too.
But don't tell him you heard it from the chick who lives in 702.

Last game played
Pull out the board
Keep those hands moving
Triple letter score.
Spell it out for me
Squares on the floor
What the hell can I spell with a Q?
Got any vowels? I need some more.
Have any words you want to say?
I promise I'm not keeping score.
How about a profane adjective
About my character?
No? Alright...
I guess we'll keep the game short.
Do you think placing letters down
Suffice as a conversation?
At least, in your case,
This one will have a winner.
Remember when we didn't have this game?
We didn't need it either.
No spelling or arranging or tiptoeing around the letters.
There were hardly any punctuations
No exclamation or a comma.
No etceteras or periods.
Just the blatant expression of yourself and I
And now it's come to this.
I guess you won again.
This game gets shorter each time.
Maybe we could play again?
Maybe I'll get the words right.
No...
Alright, that's fine.
Maybe some other time.

I know it seems that my surface
Is looking a little worn.
You read my words freely here
And assume I'm a bit torn.
I'd censor it but you would know
From the words I speak
From the truth you know.
It's just an imbalance of chemicals, love
Now don't be worried about me anymore.
It's release of things I've shared
Talking alone won't leave me square.
The even corners of my shape
Twist and shift each time I contemplate
With the joys I've lived to the marks I make.
You know me well
You've felt me shake.
I don't really think your intentions are fake.
Nor am I in disbelief that you can't relate.
The thoughts I have
The choices I make
Are the reasons why I'm in this state.
You've witness my smile becoming rage
For no reason at all and that's why I wait.
I know that you want to take care of me
But let me take a crack at it first and see
If the **** in my past can stay behind me.
Let me be there for you
If loving me is your job then let me in on it too.
I know you lift, bro
But it doesn't mean you have to lift me too.
Let me love you the way I know.
You're stronger than me
And I'm adjusting to that.
Being loved by you is intimidating as crap.
It's getting to the point where I can't take it back.
If I lose you too, I won't have jack.
If you worry then I crack.
Baby, please, put your mind at ease.
You're the reason why I'm still ticking.
Knowing you on the other side of things
All you need is a day in advance just in time to catch me.
You're not fading or diminishing in my memory.
Because when I'm thinking of you
It's certain you're thinking of me.
We've both had words hidden secretly
Found angrily by our families.
You're free to read mine as you please.
No secrets from you.
No secrets from me.
It's exactly the reason why I'm functioning.
So love, put your mind at ease.
They're only words pouring out of me.

I'm always drawn to the silent kid
Pushed far back in the class.
Grungy hair, never cut back
Flipping his pencil in the air.
I thinks it redeemable that no one knows
Where he came from or where he goes.
It simply goes to show
That he keeps to himself and my curiosity grows.
I don't pine or crush or stalk him though,
I don't know him aside from the hoody logo.
The one he wears days in a row.
And when the teacher called him to speak
His voice was low but hardly meek.
Like a tone that no one hardly shows.
He rarely uses his voice to vocalize prose.
But when he spoke of religious concept
I could hear his sarcastic intellect.
"I don't believe but I accept. It's just a thought of perceptual inept."
That's when I knew I had to neglect
My learning endeavors and speak to this gent.
Inching closer to his desk
I start off slow and ask his opinion of certain text.
He broke his stare and turned it to me
Almost disbelieving I could see past his cloak of invisibility.
Very wary and abruptly short
He told be to turn around.
My brain screamed "abort!"
I lost this one but he was unaware
That we still had a few hours left in there.
And in his silent stubbornness
I simply sat and told him this.
"If William Blake was all devout then in The Tiger why was he calling God out?"
The boy rolled his eyes at me
"Did he who made the lamb make thee?"
Of course he did!
I already knew
That just for a second I was getting through.
"He wants to have the unfailing faith without getting whiny with trials and disbelief."
This took me aback and challengingly seethed,
"If you're defending him then why do you disbelieve?"
He raised his eyebrow in confusion, almost enjoying me
"Hey you're the one who first asked me? Don't ask me a question then mentally ***** at me."
I held back a smile and could instantly see
This shy kid and I would get along perfectly.
The he retorted first asking me,
"You're not some kind of Jesus freak?"
Laughing uncontrollably, I breathed,
"Of course not. Never touched the stuff. Grew up religiously but that was enough. God has my infancy but my adulthood belongs to me."
Then he stopped and looked at me...
I earned a smile
What a blessed sight to see.
And then we sat there together
Silently.
We waited days to exchange names
Though he was my shy kid
And I his crazy dame.
Conversing over theories
And explained
How ours were better.
"No, yours is lame."
We chuckled in the back of class
Quite content for the time to slowly pass
Borrowing pencils
Ripped pages from binded rings
With silent words scribbled
That we were quietly passing.
Never speaking of our other lives
Outside this class of mutual lies.
Just two hours of acceptance thrives.
I use him and he used me
To create a silent under towing
Of our ideas so different and refreshing
It was our home we invented without moving.
This shy kid and I
I can't explain
If you had one to yourself you wouldn't complain.
How honest and blunt you'd never expect them to be.
Go talk to one
You'd be surprised to see.

She feels too little
He feels too much.
They meet in the middle
Only one mimics touch.
He says he loves
She says that too.
He asks, "do you mean it?"
She replies, "of course I do"
He compares her soul to the beauty of life.
She makes him a sandwich
Convinced it will suffice.
He grabs her hand and places a ring
She smirks and shrugs and says, "sure thing"
He wants an argument and a play of words
She looks out the window as nothing is heard.
He brings home gifts and recited affection
She portrays acceptance and calls him perfection.
She is the poetry that pours out of his mind
He is the man she chose to pass the time.
Hand in hand they both look fine.
Others envy the farce, they shine.
One believes it true
The other knows it's a lie.
The sociopath and the poet
A oddity at best
He loves her more with each second passed
And she can only love him less.

In the secrets that I keep
The yearly process where I hide and sneak
To keep it from some prying eyes
They're just mysteries...never lies.
The person that I am today
Was not the one before I strayed.
It made me feel like a secret spy
Telling you nothing and everything
As I wink my eye.
"Wink,wink"
You suspect a different concept as I blink.
I'm not as forth right as you think
I give you a moment for your doubts to sink.
Wait, she smiles
She couldn't possibly be an imbecile
The moment when I clench my teeth
You're mind goes back to that safety brink.
Not saying that I pride myself in the skeletons I keep
However they are mine and I know they reek.
They decay and portray a sudden death
Though they've been decomposing long since their last breath.
I got away with it
I pulled it off
Your assumptions covered
By my denying scoff.
Knowing if you cared enough to see
Look real close, my secrets pour out of me.
But you excuse this ability
By how you'd much rather think of me.
Allow the deception
Allow the blanks and time
Your weren't there
To witness the crime.
Plausible deniability
Ain't it great when you flee the scene?
As long as you weren't in my company
You can act just as clueless as me.
And in acceptance I agree
To keep your secrets safe with me.
"Wink,wink"
"Nudge, nudge"
Now we're in it together
Wondering who will be the first to budge.
Be right back
Don't answer the phone
What took you so long?
You don't want to know.
Ok "shrug"
That's fine with me.
But we both know we're up to something
Secretly.

Doom and gloom
You would assume.
Jaded to a fault.
Hate my parents
Hate my life
Blah blah blah
But on a sarcastic note,
There are things I feel
I should inform,
This society of faceless prose,
I'm actually quite unoriginal
And awkward as far as I go.
I fall a lot
I laugh even more
I'm obsessed with a lot of musical scores.
I can draw and play stringed wood
I'd love to dance...
If I only could.
I love the elderly
And the habits they keep.
I love little kids
And the way that they creep.
I'm prone to an unexpected collapse
Of thoughts and rationality.
The color red
Tickles my fancy.
Mac and cheese is a classic dish of mine.
Cheesecake makes my sweet tooth rot.
And I think three toed sloths are out right FINE!
No, they really are! Check them out.
They're my spirit animal without a doubt.
I like to look up cats on YouTube.
And I'm obsessed with SEGA genesis too.
I enjoy a good calorie burn
If it means getting off the couch for the tv channel to turn.
I'm not fat but I'm not thin
I'm too lazy to notice if that smell is coming from me or the trash can.
I don't like mirrors or olives that much.
Brussel sprouts are also included in that bunch.
I converse with myself until I get caught
By people thinking I'm talking to them
When I'm not.
Disney movies, **** yes please!
Favorites are hunchback of Notre dame and Hercules.
Sandman comics and Calvin and Hobbes
Are written in my nightly dreams.
Don't like coffee and I don't like tea
But red bull makes my eyes twitching.
Vanilla is my favorite smell.
I don't like chocolate all that well.
I talk too much about nothing at all
And when it comes to love,
I love to fall.
5'2"...yes I'm shorter than you
I'm well aware of it when reaching for things too.
I dye my hair and cut it myself.
It took a lot of bald months
To have it this fancy and lucious.
I get a lot of looks while driving the scene
When a baby doll like me is blaring slipknot, Metallica, pantera, or coheed.
I'm nearly 25 but look 17
And I still have a soft spot for shel Silverstein.
Neil gaiman is my main man to read
And his wife, Amanda Palmer, has created my favorite music scene.
I used to wear a lot of black
Until I graduated high school and said
"The hell with that."
Colors aren't as bad as all of that.
I like my knives and my stuffed animals just the same
Strangers things I'm crazy
Crazy people think I'm sane.
I'm a hippy as far a fashion dreams
Bell bottom pants and worn out band tees.
I have more guy friends than girls
And I think it's getting me in just as much trouble.
I thought I was gay once
But japan made me sure
When approaching a drunken *******
I couldn't even touch the guy or the girl.
So I declined, my eyebrow confused and creased
Turned that ******* into a twosome
And left them in peace.
I design tattoos and have a few of my own
Based on comic books as my arms would show.
I'm a bit of a nerd but there are worse things to be
Now you know I'm kind of perky
Do you still like me?

It's defective,
My brain, that is
It has a habit to a glitch.
It lies, it spies, it can't commit
To one direct form of dialect.
It has a virus
It has a stitch
I tried to upgrade
But Apple's a *****.
It makes my senses
Lag and pitch
A high screeched tones
That splits my lips.
It shakes and buzzes when left on too long
Skips and twitches
Repeating songs.
It makes my body act out without permission.
I flip the bird when it wasn't my intention.
It even has a blue screen of death
When I consume too many alcoholic contents.
It shuts down and freezes and gets hacked into
On occasion.
Changing a password won't fix that situation.
It likes to steal the identities of others.
The clown, the harlot
The concerned mother.
The *****, the snitch
The one who makes you shudder.
It makes the truth into a lie
It's steals the light out of your eyes.
Should I plug it back in
For a little more life?
Or throw some water on it
And let it short circuit fry?
Or let you mess with it
If you have the IT wise?
If you reboot it soon
Maybe you can make it "vroom"
Make it purr and function without a hitch.
What can you do with my cerebral glitch?

First sighted love
Fills my chest
Warms the core.
Quiet conversation
Hearing words
Learning more.
Brushing hands
Touching lips
Hands gripped firmly around my hips.
Laying down
Fighting the urge
Pushing the envelope just a little more.
Feel the chill
As we exhale.
Craving touch
Inside ourselves.
Time goes by
Replay
Words to fill the time away.
Trying to think of things to say.
Help me keep the heat aflame.
What to watch?
What to do?
Of course I'm not getting bored with you?
Should we fool around some more
Or are you tired?
Cuddle on the floor?
Have you heard this joke before?
Do you feel like eating out once more?
Loving still
Without the thrill
Give it back
We're not yet filled.
We've come so far
To walk away.
Maybe we just need a day
Or two or a week.
Let me miss you
Craving to hear your voice to speak.
He's just a friend.
Who is she?
They seem so very different
From me.
I didn't mean the things I said.
You won't allow yourself
To be comforted.
Parted ways
And still it burns.
Keeping tabs
But pictures turned
Into ashes.
Where is he?
Did she leave?
Our friends just won't stop asking.
******* stop reminding me.
Finding others to fill the need.
Days, weeks and months wander astray
Since seeing your face turn and fade away.
It sparks a bit
But only just.
I pray it's doused and it must.
Random message
Just checking in
Hope you're happy
How have you been?
Feeling it being lit again.
First sighted love
Fills my chest
Warms the core.
Quiet conversation.
Stay aflame
Let's do this again.

As a child I would play
On my mood swing everyday.
It still new
And hardly frayed
It would take me up and back away.
If someone pushed me up
I'd say
"This is such a beautiful day!"
And if some stole my swing from me
I'd sit and pout
In childish melancholy.
A few years passed
And my mood swing stayed.
I stared at it but hardly played.
I'd sometimes think
"Maybe today
Will be the day my mood swing breaks."
My mother's tears
And my father's rage
Would make my mood swing
Lose it's sway.
My brothers and sisters would look away
While by myself
On my mood swing I would pray.
"Please just push me up again
Make me smile
Be my friend."
In my teens I never glanced
At the swing
It being rusted but not collapsed.
I used it for another wish
Like hanging with friends
Or sharing my first kiss.
The slightest breeze could push it now.
I never had to be in the seat.
In memory I'd see it go up and down
And the ground would never meet my feet.
I gripped the chain
And laughed and screamed
My feelings were transfered
Into that swing.
Then I changed into my adult like skin.
So grown up
I thought I knew everything.
My mood swing was for childish work
And I'm too big
Too much of a naive ****.
I swung myself
As high or low as I'd command
Thinking I had the control all in my hands.
I figured all who we're passing me
Would assume me swinging high
Swinging free.
Unknowing that my mood swing
Was swinging me.
Until those times I'm swung too low
My feet would catch
My adrenaline grow.
I fell so many times,
Looking back on my method then,
It's wasn't as easy as it was at 10.
Of course someone was helping me.
Now my swing is jerking me
It feels too small when I sit in the seat.
I don't go as high now like I used to be
I can only move if I kick my feet.
My mood swing made it so long without defeat
But I have awhile to go
And I'm not confident as it squeaks.
What if my children want to play on it someday
And I give them my swing in disarray?
I've long forgotten how to play
On my mood swing
In the way.

Look at me
I can dress so well
I can walk like ******
I can not notice it at all.
Listen to me
I made you laugh
Aren't I so funny?
Just my personality, I suppose.
Touch my skin
Ain't it grand?
I work out 3 hours a day
And still think I'm plain.
Give your opinion
Of how you feel about my existence.
Oh gosh, you're too kind.
Of course I'm not THAT shy.
Lean in to kiss
Watch me pretend not to notice.
Don't you love that you want me?
Can I borrow a buck?
Of course I'll pay it back!
With a face like this
I hardly have any spare change.
Only the newest trends will do for me
I want the brands to never age
Like me.
Say I look 20 not 33.
I have the options to make men into brothers, lovers or friends
But for some reason I'm still constantly searching.
Why are those girls looking at me so jealously?
Their lack of confidence ain't bothering me.
Bitter little girls writing about me in their sad bits of poetry.
I don't ask for attention
It just follows me.
It's not like anything bad
Is catching up to me.
I have him by my side
But he catches my eyes wandering.
3 minutes in the joint and 6 has already been caught checking me.
Oh my god! This song reminds me of
ME!
Let me dance to it while I pretend to be offended by someone grinding up on me.
Don't hate me cause I'm doing me.
Wait.
Why aren't you looking?

So you're that voice
That tempts me to look over
The flawless space between me and the ground
In very high places.
You're the twitch of my hand
On the steering wheel
That's whispers for me to drive over.
You're the calming acceptance
That it all could be over
For the tangible reasons
I have yet to discover.
You're the knife in in my hand
And the few seconds of consideration
When my friend's back is turned to me
And I hover.
If I answered the call
Who would I be?
Dare I turn into someone else
Someone much like me?
The lapse of thought
Described as inhuman
I couldn't possibly be
The only one who hears the calling.

Smoking kills
But it looks so cool.
Fashion means letting
The tar to pool.
Drinking makes the mind go numb
So who cares if my words
Are slurred and dumb.
Come on
Just a little fun.
Getting high
Make me fly.
Just hit me once and say goodbye.
I can stop whenever I choose.
So give me a lighter and let me lose.
Start off slow
Feel my body rise.
Addictions hold no real surprise.
They think it's hott
When a girl can fry
To a needle or snort or puffing prize.
You don't want to know my mind.
The wonderland
The ****** skies.
The memory of bloodshot eyes.
Just let me out of my skin tonight.
The scars you see are accidental.
Accidentally feeling with sharpened metal.
Drag it down so I don't get mental.
You don't want me sentimental.
I can fight for no good reason.
The blood tends to boil
With the humidity of the season.
Hit me back and get in personal.
I can take the skin covered bone
I'm versatile.
I ran with the gun wielding people.
Earn some respect and still get riddled.
They love a chick with hard forged metal.
As long as I'm not hurting you
I get away with ****** and die a couple times too.
I can stop whenever I choose
So light me up those cancerous fumes
And let me choose.
Come on
Just a little fun
It's not hurting you...

It takes a minute to hear your voice.
To place a dream and waking willingly apart.
I turn and search for a rectangle device
That's been left burning all night.
"Wake up baby"
Electric sounds.
I turn and curve at his gravitational sound.
Lift it in my hands to see
My waking love
Waking me.
I should worry about radiation
That's pouring into me.
But he's worth the worry
Just to see.
"Tell me all about your dreams"
Still foggy I comply
And let the poison drip out of me.
He moves from room to room
And he carries me.
While I lay in bed and follow.
"How many eggs? 4 or 6?"
And I make a choice for his nutrients.
5 isn't right cause it's uneven.
46 is way too much.
I choose a moment and smile at him
While he stirs the contents of his cup.
A glance from clocks to me
Debating on wether he should leave.
"Don't be late or stay with me?"
But staying means more radiology.
I fall in step with his morning routine
Without ever moving from my waking scene.
I kiss the screen and he kissed me
Voicing love so lovingly.
Reconnecting every morning.
I'm sure it easy when he's snoring
To let the device burn all till morning.
I fell asleep with his face in my hand
Though, I could not touch and I could not grab.
"I call you when I'm driving back. I'll see you later on tonight. I love you, sweety. Have a good day"
And then we wave and press a red button to start our usual days.
And never moving once,
The pillows I bury my face in go flat.
I dare not fall back to sleep.
Because on my device he might message back.

I'm sorry my music is much too loud.
It drowns out the voices that pulls me apart.
I'm sorry my clothes are too baggy, tight or displeasing to the eye.
It's all I'm allowed to get out of the crowd.
I'm sorry my language is abrasive and blunt
And perhaps not too kind and respectful as it should be.
I had to defend myself since birth and raised my voice to be heard.
I'm sorry my motivation is shot to hell
And it appears that I don't even try.
The opportunities I searched for have all been shot down.
I'm sorry the person I am doesn't fall into your generation scheme.
I have problems falling into place with my own.
I'm sorry my views of god, politics and people are askew.
I assumed then didn't notice me when their hand was absent in my life.
I'm sorry that I failed your expectations of how I would turn out.
I'm sure the expectations you persevered
Required a lot of hard work that was followed by success and acceptance by all.
I'm sorry that you're so tired to see
The kind of person I could be.
I'm sorry that you push me aside in youth
Because you didn't want to take the time to teach me.
I'm sorry if your plans of your future
Are just as dissapointing as mine.
Is wasn't my intent to deprave you this show.
I'm sorry...but I expected more from the generation that raised me.
I'm sorry you created misguided youth and then punished them for following suit.
And once I am done apologizing
And wasting my years on reckless escapes
I'm sure I'll come down to your point of view
And neglect and forget who I'm meant love and protect.
I don't expect to be catered to when I'm older and exhausted
By those I shoot a disdaining eye.
I might have encouraged them to offend me so
But, knowing that, at least I won't be surprised.

Open eyes
Check
Stand up straight
Check
Sit back down
****...
Pull the covers back on
****.
Check the web
Fine
Hear some tunes
Alright
Open eyes
Check
Stand up straight
Check
Empty bowels
Check
Sit in the shower
Oh no
Fall asleep
****
Freezing and wet
Awake
Force myself to shake
Awake
Get dressed and contemplate
Check
Invent a list for the day
Check
Sit on couch
****
Netflix has a new show season
Just a couple to start the day
****
Pull the covers back on
****
Eat something
Check
Walk a dog or look in the mailbox
Move
******* move
Too bored to think
Too lazy to speak
Too drained to creep
A zombie trapped in this house for weeks

So you want to **** me?
Does my consent only require me to be paralyzed?
So high off the ground and out of my mind
I'm sure I'm asking for it anyways.
So you think I'm helpless?
As an eleven year old it's easy to dismiss.
The struggle only make your muscles tense
And tightens the thirst that I do not want to quench.
So you want my virginity?
Well Sir, get in line.
What you think is there is already lost
And my innocence is on a replaying loop.
It stops when you take it from me.
Starts again when you're done.
So you're too inebriated and stumbling
To be accountable for what you want?
You're shocked when I assume the position
And simply give up a ****.
You think it keeps me up at night?
You think I waste a thought on who goes in and out?
You think I waver at every touch
Assuming it's the first I've felt?
You want it to be special?
You want it to be pure?
You want me to feel some pleasure
Aligned with ******* for your thrill?
You want me to be dizzy?
You want me to be lost?
I've made my bed and you've thrown me down
Upon the screeching springs.
In theory I play the *****
The freak in the sheets that everyone adores.
You take me once and then you want more.
Well have it all for all I care.
Between my legs or in the air.
Against the wall or in a chair.
Boy, I'd ******* anywhere.
As long as there's a focal point
To direct my glass like stare.
I'll take your mind to a thrilling place
But don't expect me to be there.
I'm the one girls whisper about.
The glory **** in which they clench their teeth.
The ***** with absolutely no back door shyness,
The girl that your man wanks off to before he sleeps.
Most would take pride in this.
Most would wear it with a grin.
Most wouldn't even give a ****
Just before they're about to give in.
As for me, I simply tolerate.
Everyone is a predator.
Their intentions can always wait,
Till they pounce and tear and fornicate.
Not all of them walk away.
Not all of them always stay.
Not a simple word to say
After they've achieved their fantasy lay.
So come at me with what you think I crave.
Force me down and spread my legs.
The little girl in my head is away
As I assume she won't ever return this way.
So you want to **** me?
Well, tell me something new.
It's not something to be taken as offense
But I've ****** myself over enough
To enjoy that ******* truth.

The things I choose not to convey
Unless the tune is right and the ear buds are positioned.
The sound bounces off the walls of my skull
And I take it with super sonic delight.
I rage and I swoon and I mourn to the beat
To last out a thought I never wish to be complete.
It stifles the screams I lock behind my wide spread grin
And make the grip of my hands release.
If I can create the music on my own
I could share or hide with subconscious intentions.
So if I press the notes of a melody to your face
And insist that it portrays certain passages that I've yet to explain,
Please don't look at me with intolerant obligation
Simply because it doesn't suit your taste.
Take it with stride.
Take it with an open mind.
My insight is clearer with the words of others
Who are brave enough to conjour their lips to move.
To let their tongue loosen and flip the bird
At those who are scornful enough to correct their prose.
In my head is music
And my mouth in constant motion to it's sway.
It breaks my my heart in silence
When that music refuses to play.

I've always liked the concept of pictures.
Moments captured and frozen like holding your breath during a kiss
Or during a scary part in the movies.
Forever young and forever motionless in a memory.
Proof that I was here once.
That I lived a life that was only my own.
Some pictures we rip up or burn away,
As if to destroy any evidence that certain memories happened.
Some pictures we only keep in our minds simply because we didn't think to bring a camera at that moment.
Pictures we hide and conceal
Only to bring out while no one is looking.
The silence of conversations being played back in my mind...
The closeness of friends or the heartbreak of loneliness.
Reminding ourselves of the times our hearts skipped beats or our eyes were filled with the heat of tears.
The pictures we keep to remind us of choices that were made that can never be undone.
We live to create memories...
We live to exist...
We live to leave ourselves behind.
Wether there's a heaven, a hell, or nothing...
Our pictures we keep in our own company or as heirlooms to those we love,
Those are the identities we wish to fade away with.
I buzz in anticipation of the pictures I'd take each day.
The selfies or accidental camera flashes that last only a day or forever.
Embracing the idea that a stranger will see my face and wonder who the person is behind it.
As I do with many others.
My still frame life is documented in silence but can be looked through at anytime of my choosing.
I'm only as mortal as my memories.
My images will fracture and spread when I am long gone.
And I'm fine with that.

He said that we have loved before...
Their faces and laughter is like a life dead and buried.
Each time we open the cellar door to our hearts,
We create a life with them.
Each first kiss, a birth.
Each tearful goodbye, a death.
We rejoice and mourn these lives we nurture.
And though I am no stranger to these random pulses of affectionate existences,
I pray this one will be immortal.
He knows and accepts that our hearts stop beating
And one day our hearts will awaken in time lock with another.
The tragedy of feeling in it's own sweetness
Has willed me to prolong this particular life into immortality.
And if forever ends abruptly,
No amount of courage or unconditional acceptance stay,
I'm content with dying and never waking,
Just to die with his love still in my veins.
When I awoke to his love, I awoke to my own.
The crunching of thoughts and second guessing still lingering from my previous life.
And the fear of love being lost by love
Is what seals the death I know is awaiting.
My heart still beats and it should be enough,
That I've tasted this vision with my own tongue.
Still, the greed of my emotions is never ceasing.
More time and moments to add on would still never be enough.
To be born again to loving you, is unlike any dream I've conjured.
It's not just being loved by the way you do, but knowing I'm capable of loving you too.

I pride myself by my addictions.
The deaths I should have had would make me immortal by default.
And still, I breathe and scoff at it's lagging effects.
You can't have me.
I lay awake alone and thoughtful,
I answer your call at a moments notice.
I leave you be whenever you're done and continue to indulge my thoughts,
You can't have me.
I mark myself as a timeline is marked with lines and events.
My scars could tell a story that I would only know the punchline to.
I color my skin with fantasy and ink to hide the other uglies I make,
You can't have my stories...they're mine.
If I were to smile upon greeting then I would have already lied to you.
If I were to kiss you then you would have fallen.
I pride myself by my addictions and you cannot be one of them.
You can't have my love.
I'll give you a laugh and company without expectations of it being returned.
I'll give you my time and a kind deed or two.
I'll give you a friendship and a wall to hide behind.
Just be warned, you'll want more
And I will not oblidge.
You cannot want me because I don't want you.
Or anything.
I will not take your sympathy or your truth.
I will not take your heart or your push.
I will take your body and your smell
But ******* was never love
And shame on you for not knowing the difference.
I can take your ****** but You can't have my trust.
Now you turn to me with inclinations that I have misled you.
The hurt on your face leaves me annoyed and impatient.
The effects of my drug and my addtictions take hold
And I leave you talking to a corpse that has no use for words.
The dead are silent and patient and will never talk back.
They always wait their turn and never take it.
They limply create a warm illusion
But they're colder and colder with each toss of sound.
You cannot make me warm...the others guys took it from me long before you.
So let it take me back into the ground.
Leave me buried and I'll leave you alive.
A fair trade in my book.
The moment you try to be my savior
Will be the moment I will become your destroyer.
You cannot have my soul, it was mine to lose in the first place.

To tell you honestly
I lie.
It's easy to do infront of believing eyes.
Those who dont care enough to search for the truth in mine.
Especially to those who have caught me inside of a lie.
A drink and a buzz can get me telling stories that never seen the light of day
And even I would believe that they had happened.
Sometimes it doesn't even matter if my tales are true or false
As long as there are other uses for my mouth and my tounge.
I could be faceless to you.
I tell lies to myself.
I have no problem with it most times
Because I know that they'll be true with time.
And I never get mad at those who lie to me...
Everyone has perceptions of the truth
And for all I know you could be telling it.
Innocent till proven guilty.
Blameless till caught red handed.
Chaste till heard *******.
I mark my lies with a smile and a hint of wit
And brand it with a solid stare.
I've tasted tears and sweat and blood
From your mouth.
Though your lips were upturned with a simple smirk
Thinking that I would never know.
I'm not the detective sort.
I have enough secrets of my own to be bothered with your load.
I'm not intimidated by the truth either.
Most liars can weave facts into their breath
And draw it out without losing air
They inhale and I wait.
They exhale and I believe.
Cause you might be able to tell me something I don't know
And knowing you, I wouldn't know either way.

I don't know enough about God
To say that I believe in him.
I don't believe in perfection.
I don't believe in nothing either.
I've heard he's there when I need him most.
I've heard he hears my thoughts and prayers.
I've heard that he watches for my best interest
When I'm fully unaware.
I'm not questioning his existance
Cause I've never seen the guy.
I've never seen my great great great great cousin either...
But I've heard that he was here.
I don't know God's favorite color.
I don't know what makes him laugh.
I've never seen him sad or stuck inside a room by himself.
I've never had a drunken conversation with him
Even though at times I thought I had.
I know he has many books about him
And through words and rationalization
I try to keep myself well informed.
Though, I've never seen his name as the author
Or co-signer of the words...
So his history is fractured as far as the facts about him.
I know he's a family man.
I've heard he cares about his kids.
He lets them do whatever they want
Regardless of wether or not they listen to him.
I heard he used to be angry
But now he's just really quiet lately.
Yet I have no idea when he's spoken for himself most recently.
I've tried to blame him for stuff I've done
Cause those times I couldn't take the blame.
I never blame him for my happiness
Or the moments where I'm calm.
Cause if I truly believed, then I'm sure he'd be responsible for those parts too.
I can't say that I hate him.
Or resent him for being so absent from my sight.
He's a pretty busy guy, from what I've heard.
Same could go for myself, I guess.
I don't really believe in me either.
I make choices that I don't much like.
And I dislike the place where they've led me.
I've never trusted myself with honest things
Cause they intrude on the lies that I tell.
I don't have a set of divine morals
Cause if I did, I'd break them for my bad habits anyways.
I think too little and too much
To pinpoint a belief I could **** and die for...
In all honesty I don't want to **** or die at all.
Still, I like the idea that I don't matter
Though, I'm in no way humble.
I don't believe in forgivness
Cause no one ever really forgets.
I don't believe in science
Cause facts don't prove everything.
I kinda wish I knew him.
See if he's a music lover or a fan of different kinds of cheese.
I wonder if I could prank him and stand behind a wall to scare him into laughter.
I wonder if I knew him, if it would be easier to trust him.
Cause trust is another word for faith...
And I lack it in my arsenal of dreams and open minded thoughts.
And if I meet him at some point in time,
I hope he at least has a sense of humor.
Cause at the end of it all, one way or another,
I think the joke would be on me.

This is the moment where I try to will myself to sleep.
The moment where we all know that will and basic reality create the opposite effect.
My thoughts are suspended into space...
Into an underwater impulse.
The whole world muted and crawling.
I find myself erasing and creating the person I've fashioned into,
Up until this point anyways.
I'm a closet full of personas...a wardrobe of ****** expressions
And nuances that are mine and mine alone.
Some I hate and some I can't afford to throw by the wayside.
No one becomes the person that they are simply by self affirmation.
I've stolen many of my horrors and my joys from others
And I'm sure a few of my personal affects are missing as well.
Moments of time and emotion so small that I wouldn't have noticed them missing anyways.
They're free to take regardless.
I give love and hatred just as freely as you might.
I clash into others and mimic the lives that could be theirs....
But I doubt they are.
Those who are sleeping, I applaud you.
Those who are hardly self aware and let the minutes slip them by
As if they have plenty to spare.
I however will remain awake.
Thinking of you, though I've never met you or seen your face.
Chances are I could be you, and you me.
We could be distorted reflections of each other
And the thrill of it that keeps me awake at nights
Is never knowing you but knowing that you're there.
So sweet dreams when they finally find you.

I'm isolated, suffocated

I can't see straight cause I'm asphyxiated.

Gasping with nothing but space and air

Who thought a surplus of something would leave you dying here.

I stand. I collapse.

I'm begging for any kind of relapse.

I need a pulse a grain of life

Because monotone affection won't suffice.

I clench and grit to voices I've heard.

They're telling me a sercret to a cure.

Not that I'm sick, I suffer from health,

Not that I'm poor, I'm drowning in wealth.

I'm loved but subistitued with nothing that lives.

I'm adored but replaced with nothing that gives.

So what gives?

It took three hits to pull you off.

It took even more to fall from the top.

I'm craving a hit, I'm itching for haze.

I've been fantisizing a joint in my hand for days.

I don't want to be hostile, I'm trying to be chill

But with the large amount of air I've finally had my fill.

I want to cough and hack and fill the burn

And maybe after I'm gone I won't feel the need to return.

I see your face and I've thought on our time

And right now I'd rather be harsh than to always be kind.

You'll throw it down but I'll pick it up

You'll throw the punch but I'll take the touch.

You're the kind of boy who needs to do what he's told

You're not a man when you're acting 5 years old.

She said you can't talk and she said you can't speak

I don't think you're respecting her but I think you're just weak.

And when you're done with her you'll just find another.

You don't want an equal partner you just want a mother.

And you're grabbing your sack as if you have something to show

Well, I've been there and done that and you still have to go.

Your name is a joke

You're made to choke.

The man card that you have in your pocket has been revoked.

And you're standing all tall like you have something to say

I dare you to tell me something I haven't heard anyways.

Trying to treat me like I'm the one who got away

Telling me that what's-her-name doesn't have what I take.

And boy I took it from you

You gave me the "what to do",

I've seen you cry and moan and bleed like they were mistreating you.

And I'll admit and take blame that I kept taking you back,

Cause back then it was me who didin't have the ***** that you lacked.

Finding excuses

And allowing misuses.

Trying to repair the leak from your loose lips.

Cause you have it bad like I had it good.

Living in style but acting like you're from the hood.

Trying so hard to just live it down.

Well you got what you wanted cause that girl rode you to the ground.

And now I'm up river and a couple of oceans from your mess

And I'm still watching you call out like a spoiled kid in distress.

Acting all tough like you've seen the other side of life

Throwing out curses like you're suffered so much strife.

Thinking that it's everyone else you have to fight,

But the joke's on you cause you're the only one who proved everyone right.

And I'm tired of this talk, as if you found the light,

Well that's my tail lights you see leaving you, out of sight.

And I'm probably sour cause I made a choice

But now it's left me nothing as much as a voice.

And I'll probably sit all resentful with greed,

But it always makes me laugh that you're doing just the same as me.

Just kidding.

It always catches me off gaurd whenever he moved hair from my face. Like static eletricity. A sudden shock then numb. I excel at not noticing though. If I take it too seriously then it'll be forever until I get him this close again. I hate that. If I ever saw it coming then I would have the sense to move out of the way of his hand. I would mindlessly move the wisp behind my ear, then call it a day. Nothing to see here. Move along. The worse is over so go back to your homes and forget everything. Yeah right.

Thump

There would be mornings when I practiced what I would say to him. It would be quick and deep. He wouldn't know what hit him. I would never bring up anything that happened a week ago. Hell, even one night ago. As soon as the daylight hit us, we were to act like strangers with goldfish memories. Slightly grazing whenever we swam near each other. Barely touching. I'd mimic over and over again the words that I would have said. And then I would see him...****, what was I going to say?

Thump

Music doesn't help either. Whenever you're going insane over someone it's like the force of nature knows. So everything that has a remote form of sound has to remind you of him in one way or another. I have to keep the radio off whenever I go driving or else I think too much. I get sentimental. If he knew that then it would just get worse. I think guys like it better when you act like you haven't thought about them all day. Then they don't feel responsible about letting you down in the end because they haven't thought about you unless you're right in front of them sometimes. That's alright though, it gives me a reason to keep busy. His favorite song is going off...why was I so stupid to put it as his ringtone?

Thump

It's me and him. Finally. Just driving. All I needed was five minutes notice before he came around to my house and I was ready. I made it point to never sleep at night, just in case. Our memories came back. Everything is just fine. He's perfect. And so am I. Nothing else matters except the road. Now I can breathe for one more week. I think that over and over again as I inhale another drag of the cigarette that we're sharing. I wouldn't call it love. Hell, I can't even call it friendship. I don't want any of those complications to get in it again. I excel at not noticing. I excel at letting things go. I can count how many times I let him go when he wanted to go. If he's happy and doesn't hate me then when he's done with whoever...I'll still be there. Open door policies are great. I'm playing hard to get and easy to lose all at the same time...

Thump

The sunlight came back. And it's taken over for a few weeks. I wish the stupid sun would super nova already. I'm pretty sure if that happened then that would be a good enough to talk to me about. "Did you see that????"
Not everyone gets what they want. It's easy to think that when you have nothing. It's easier to know it when you know you don't stand a chance at getting it. I excel at not noticing. I'm a freeze frame just for you. I'll stay where we left off and whenever you say so I'll move again. I'll be your best friend forever. And all I'll ever want is your happiness cause I'm greedy like that. Yet, one day, I know I'll move your hand when you come close to my face again. Sometimes static electricity loses it's shock and I can't afford to be numb just for you. For now, though...I'll pretend I don't notice.

Thump

The mirror's reflection looked away from me today.
She knew my secret and my shame...
Even now I thought I could hide it from her.
There are certain dualities to monogamous promises
Because emotions are never made just for one.
If I knew I would have loved him then I would have hated him first.
If I knew I would hurt him...then I would have killed him before I could.
I've traced all my steps back into a wall.
The path that was there before has been blocked by my own hand.
I built it with every lie and every truth about myself,
And yet I stand dumbfounded at the choice I am to make.
I'm panting and wild eyed for an escape
And my captors are threatening for an answer.
Both breathing fantasies and lives that I want to see
And all they get from me is a choke.
A stammer.
A stutter of a choice made but not thought through.
I give them both each hand to have but the joke is on me...
Basic anatomy only gave me one heart.
And them as well.
They both gave theirs to me and now I'm overly supplied
And worrying over them spoiling if I leave them out too long.
Then I think to myself of a prose well said,
"Get thee to a nunnery."
And like a coward, I flee.

A forenight ago, I dreamnt of you.
I knew it was a dream because
You told me you loved me.
I smiled and paced my heart to calm
And I knew it was a dream because
I felt you hold me.
Every second of illusion I held onto so tightly.
I knew it was a dream because
I felt you want me.
I told you I love you and I kissed you so fiercely.
I knew it was a dream because
I thought you'd never leave me.
In sleeping haze and innocent wanting
We walked and laughed and talked and cried.
We named our children and counted the tears falling from our eyes.
We made peace with our faults and forgave each other each sin.
And in that peace we were willing to begin...
But...I knew it was a dream.
Reluctant and wretched and longing and cold
My eyes fall open to an empty pillow.
All other dreams were so fleeting and easy to forget,
Yet this dream was the one you made.
You crafted it with all my desires of you
And caressesd each fold of it into my sleep.
To seal it there you pressed it with a kiss
And left it there within a cerebral prison.
Teasing and prodding long after you left.
Yes, I know it's a dream because
You left.

I do not envy the mother you made her become.
Anyone can open their legs and conceive your pretenses of love.
I do not pity the regret you had for ever leaving me for this false emotion...
This desperate grasp of freedom when I held you accountable for what you did with it.
I do not respect that you ran away from the mistakes you made guided with haze and a bottle of cheap resolve.
I didn't break you, so I have no intention to buy your escape out of the cycle that your father left you with.
The child you bore is the only part of you that concerns me.
I pity her face because it bears the remainder of your strength.
I envy her ignorance because she still sees you with unconditional dependance.
She does not call me mother, but I love her still the same
As I had loved you.

50%  of marriage is made out of silence.
Sometimes it's too quiet to notice, though.
And we become so used to it
That any sign of my spouses voice almost offends me.
And I love you too much to let you know what I'm thinking.
You ask me countless times,
Like clockwork, "What are you thinking?"
And just as consistantly I answer without giving you a hint.
"I was thinking that I love you."
Begging you to continue the silence.
I forget the reason why it became so **** quiet...
All I know is that it's better this way.
And when we're infront of our friends and family
We silently agree to act as if we were still best friends...
As if we knew every secret and more.
Then we return home and close the door
And turn each other on mute.
Like phatoms chained to a ball of non commital noise.
Sometimes I think my ,"I do" was the last honest thing I said to you.