Gwendolyn: Poems

367 · Sep 2014

Piercing

Gwendolyn Sep 2014

Piercing

I stick the needle in
I push
And push
Trying to
Break the skin

366 · Apr 2015

Exhaustion

Gwendolyn Apr 2015

Exhaustion

My eyelids are burning
And I don't know why I'm still awake
It's 3 AM and I just want to sleep
But for some reason I can't
And it's not because of a certain person or a certain event
I just never felt the need to be asleep even though being awake *****
I'm so tired
And I'm so exhausted
And I'm so done with being awake past 3 AM
I have to be up in five hours
Did you know you're the first person to ask me why I stay awake
Multiple people ask how
But you asked if was it was insomnia
And I just said yes
Because I didn't want to tell you that the nightmares are so bad that I rip my hair out in the middle of the night
I wake up sometimes with my hands bleeding because my nails have been digging into my palms with fear
I wake up to my leg spasm
They've been tense for hours
I can't do this anymore

365 · Oct 2014

Pretty Ones

Gwendolyn Oct 2014

Pretty Ones

Feet together
Thighs apart
That's where the pretty ones start

This isn't by me.

365 · Jun 2014

Come On, Just Ask.

Gwendolyn Jun 2014

Come On, Just Ask.

Ask me why I am sad
Ask me why I no longer stay around to talk
Ask me why I have bags under my eyes
Ask me why I flinch when someone raises a hand near me

Ask ME

Don't ask my exbestfriend
Don't ask my parents
Don't ask any of my current friends

Because they are the reason
But they don't even know

364 · Feb 2016

Fuck I Need A Drink

Gwendolyn Feb 2016

**** I Need A Drink

I could tell you about the way he looked at me
Like I was a deer head above the fire place in his basement
Like I was the first place trophy he just won simply by existing
Like an object to be obtained
To be won
Sure as hell not to be asked

I could tell you how I mistook that look for love
Like he wanted to be with me
Like he cared about what happened after he was gone
Like a lover
A friend
Someone who actually cares about you

I could show you where he touched me
Physical and metaphorical
On my body
And in my subconscious
Making me flinch when a hand is raised
Or when I see the red dress that "just didn't fit right"

I could make you fall in love with him
With his sweet words of forever and always
His promises and wishes
The way he carded his hands through my hair
And the way he kissed down my neck

I could do a lot of things
And so could he
The only real difference is
I know where the line is.

361 · Mar 2015

This Is About You

Gwendolyn Mar 2015

This Is About You

I'm so sorry
I thought you didn't like me
I thought you were making fun of me
You are so amazing and I didn't know I could hurt you
I don't even know if I did hurt you
All I know is you don't talk to me anymore
And you're friends tell me you're romantic and sensitive
And I'm just an insecure flirt who uses jealousy as a tactic to get what I want
I didn't think it might actually hurt you
And I want to be whatever you want us to be
Whether it's friends or something more
So once you read this text me
I'm sorry

360 · Dec 2015

Unbelievable

Gwendolyn Dec 2015

Unbelievable

You started a revolution and I got caught in the craze
Your words created an ocean and I drowned in the waves

Promised different and better to the people outside
Gave no indication you had something to hide

Speeches destroyed mountains and men
We were all behind you with sword and pen

We fought battles against something we didn't get
You didn't give us a reason to not trust you, as of yet

Waging a war that we never thought to take up
Was it cool aid we were drinking in that red solo cup

Word of you spread like smoke
You said we were no longer such a joke

We were a force to contend with, that's what you said
We all believed you, until we started turning up dead

You put pipe bombs made of pipe dreams in our head and set them off
The ideas that dissipated with the smoke made us cough

Those promises you made guilded mistakes we now know
Vibrant colors and bright lights can't mask a ****** show

354 · May 2013

Words

Gwendolyn May 2013

Words

I don’t have any words
No say, No play
No words to comfort
Nor destroy
No words against another
No words for myself
I am an empty shell
With no say
Because I am wordless
Not worthless, just empty
I have no perspective
My silence is not chosen
My silence is forced
All because I have no words
Problems everywhere
No words
None to share
Nor tweet, or post
The only word I have is empty
Therefore no words

351 · May 2013

Monster

Gwendolyn May 2013

Monster

your eyes close
you do not want to see
the pain and suffering
that you have
created…
you are a monster
you are like me
an unwanted
forced
with no escape
your fate is set
for eternity

350 · May 2013

Missing Memories

Gwendolyn May 2013

Missing Memories

An empty shadow
In your mind
Something you’ve done
Something unkind
An empty page
A missing beat
Something evil
Never sweet
Your blind to the world
Blind to all but thee
The missing memory
No one sees it
No one cares
Your missing something
Something you need
Of course, of course
THE MISSING MEMORY

349 · May 2013

Light

Gwendolyn May 2013

Light

I stare into the light
As it grows bigger
As if to welcome me
Like I found somewhere I belong
A light, so bright

It stopped short
It changed its mind
Decided it was not my time

No, I will have to keep suffering
Pain, loneliness, hatred
The light left me

Why won't it consume me
Am I not worthy
Of course not
I knew that
I would only dim
The bright, white light

348 · May 2013

i am alone

Gwendolyn May 2013

i am alone

in the shadows of the night
the battle between flight or fight
i cling to you
but no one knows what's true
your choice between evil and good
would choose if if you could
you left me to fend
and the wounds that were unable to mend
during the darkest hour
was when i felt your worst power
alone in the dark you see
things that would make you flee
so don't scream or cry
when its your turn to die

345 · Oct 2014

Grow Up.

Gwendolyn Oct 2014

Grow Up.

The first time I cried looking in the mirror was the day after I turned 13.
My mother told me it was time to start watching my weight.
She took me in front of a mirror and taught me how to point out my flaws.
My fat thighs.
My pudgy stomach.
Then she taught me how to exercise.

The first time I skipped a meal was halfway through my 14th year.
My father told me I was looking a big fat.
He wanted to make sure I remember how to look in the mirror and see my flaws.
My too round face.
My too big body.
Then he took away my plate

The first time I was told I was going nowhere in life was a week before my 15th birthday.
My parents looked at my report card and told me nothing
They wanted to make sure I knew how worthless I was
My Cs and Ds
My apathy
Then they left me alone.

Now I am almost 16.
And I am supposed to grow up.
In two years I am supposed to be an adult.
But I was never taught how.
I still raise my hand to speech in big groups.
I still have to ask to go to the bathroom.
But I am expected to make life changing decisions.
And all I can do is go back in front of that mirror and point out my flaws.
Just as I was taught to do.

337 · Jan 2014

There Is No Way

Gwendolyn Jan 2014

There Is No Way

How do you **** something that is inside you
Cutting your wrist?
No that doesn't work
Stop eating?
No that does nothing except hurt
Purging?
No, it's still inside
How do you **** something that is part of you
That is you
A part of you
Not a small part
Or even half
It consumes you
But
It hates people
Friends
People who want to help
It kills it
Smothers it
So let someone help
I want to help you
I'm not using the passive form of you
Not a general you
But you
Specifically you
I want to help you
I understand what so feels like to be dead inside
To have nothing to lose
So let me give you something to live for
And then maybe
I might have something to live for too

336 · Feb 2016

Untitled

Gwendolyn Feb 2016

Untitled

Sometimes I want to go to church
Sometimes I want to do coke

I don't know which one scares me more

#religion #drugs

333 · May 2013

The Night

Gwendolyn May 2013

The Night

The sun sets
The darkness takes over
The screams begin
The pain commences
Hope is a dream
Fear is a reality
Every man for themselves
Futile struggles
Whimpers and aguished cries
Life no longer worth living
Until the sun comes again

329 · May 2014

You 'll Never Know

Gwendolyn May 2014

You 'll Never Know

You'll never know the feeling you give me when...**
You text me back
You smile at me
You look at me like you actually see me
You bump my shoulder
You stand too close
You pick me first
You stand near me
You talk about me
You are you

324 · May 2014

I Just Don't Care, I'm Sorry

Gwendolyn May 2014

I Just Don't Care, I'm Sorry

I just don't care about anything anymore
All I want to do
Is get ****** up
Get ******
And have fun.

323 · May 2014

Scared of Failing

Gwendolyn May 2014

Scared of Failing

I'm failing
And it's scary
Terrifying
I can't help it
I'm a failure
I'm fat
Ugly
Stupid
And average
I'm failing
But only at school
Because if I pass
All my classes
Then I will win
This summer
Just you watch
But first I have to pass

322 · Feb 2015

Here We Go Again

Gwendolyn Feb 2015

Here We Go Again

1.When you look at me my stomach fills with butterflies.
2.Your laugh makes me laugh, even when I'm not supposed to be part of the conversation.
3.** When you smile at me I can't help but smile stupidly back.
4. I can't help but blush around you, even though we see each other frequently.
5. The signals you are sending are giving me a headache.
6. I've memorized your eyes.
7.My friends make fun of me because of the way I act around you, but I can't seem to mind.
8.This thing I'm feeling isn't love, but it makes me sick in a good way.
9. I really hope you don't know this is about you.
10. I hope you know this is about you.

317 · Jul 2013

Unseperated

Gwendolyn Jul 2013

Unseperated

Lifeisnothingformeanymore.AllIeverseeanymoreispainandsuffering.Entwinedwiththeworldaroundus.Youcanhardlytellthedifference.Youseeasmileandthepainbehindit,youseealaughandyoucantellthatitisfake.Youwon'tbeabletoseperatethemsoon.Alllifeis,islies.Surrondedbymorelies.Andmorelies.SomaybeIwilljustgetout.Quit

317 · Apr 2014

Just 5 Little Girls

Gwendolyn Apr 2014

Just 5 Little Girls

No one knows
What happened that night
They night the four girls
Decided to join there sister

A window took the youngest a couple months before.
She fell on a railing
Because she couldn't take it anymore

The next was the oldest swinging from the fan
Decided no one understands

Next was the middle child head in an oven
She felt like nothing

Second to the top was stuffed with drugs
She didn't feel any love

The last to go as only 14
She sat in a car and it filled up with steam

No one knows what went on in the house
Just that 5 young girls were dead now
An overbearing mother shutting them in
She couldn't stand anymore sin.

Based off of the ****** suicides

315 · May 2013

If You Want

Gwendolyn May 2013

If You Want

I will stay
If you want
I will leave
If you want
I will live
If you want
I will die
If you want
I will heal
If you want
I will break
If you want
But
I want
You to need me
I need
You to want me
I know
You don't
I can't
Keep pretending
...
Will no one save me?
No one will save me.

312 · Oct 2014

Dear You

Gwendolyn Oct 2014

Dear You

I will be skinny
I will be pretty
I will be anything you want me to be

I won't eat
I won't tell
I won't do anything you don't want me to

I can be perfect
I can do it I swear
I can be anything you ask me to be

Just promise me it will be enough

312 · Jul 2013

Just Another Guy

Gwendolyn Jul 2013

Just Another Guy

Everyday I see you
And everyday
My heart beats faster
I have had crushes
But this is something more
Something exciting
Something beautiful
But the problem is
You don't feel it

309 · Aug 2014

This isn't a Cry for Help

Gwendolyn Aug 2014

This isn't a Cry for Help

I never thought I would need to stay away from trigger warnings
I have always had an intense morbid curiosity
I guess watching 28 Weeks Later right after Sleeping Beauty will do that to a little girl.

But I could handle sadness and pain
Never letting it get to me.
But I guess after reading hundreds of books and poems about
Suicide
Anorexia
Bulimia
Self Harm
It added on to my hate for myself

Subconsciously I realized
If I needed help
I would need to make my emptiness more obvious
If I wanted everyone to see how broken I was
I had to be more obvious

So every time I read one of those books or poems
The next week or so I would replicate their pain
Never to an extreme
And a blade has never touched my skin
I was strong enough to stay away from that

This isn't a cry for help
Because I needed help a long time ago
I can usually deal with it now
All by myself

309 · May 2014

I'm Used to the Sensation

Gwendolyn May 2014

I'm Used to the Sensation

F
A
L
L
I
N
G
Faster and faster
Harder and harder
Flying without the ability to stop
Grasping at anything to slow me down
Dying slowly
Quickly falling
Not knowing what was at the bottom
Falling in love is scary, I know
But falling in love with you
Is something I am very used to

292 · Oct 2013

One to Ten

Gwendolyn Oct 2013

One to Ten

One hit
Feel like ****

Two cuts
They say you're nuts

Three tears
Filled with fears

Four stares
No one cares

Five guys
In between your thighs

Six screams
From your dreams

Seven bites
Lonely nights

Eight plays
No one sees through the facade

Nine sighs
So many goodbyes

Ten pills
And blood spills

289 · May 2014

This is Me?

Gwendolyn May 2014

This is Me?

I am quiet,
Lips zipped by an unforgiving society.
I am pretty,
Put in a cage for all to stare at.
I am smart,
Judged by flimsy pieces of paper with no real worth.
I am happy,
Fake smile plastered on by expectations.
I am strong,
Facades placed in front of broken pieces.
I am confident,
Hiding behind big smiles and loud laughs.
I am brave,
Facing down my own monsters to protect my friends.
I am me,
Loud, average in looks and intelligence, tired, weak, self conscious, and scared.

287 · May 2013

Salt (excerpt)

Gwendolyn May 2013

Salt (excerpt)

Margaret looks around her overly organized kitchen and smiled. " Isn't the kitchen just….. beautiful?"
"What do you mean?" The boy studied the kitchen with a confused look on his face.
"Everything is just beautifully organized, and clean."
"What's the fun in that?"
"Huh?" Margaret turns to look at the boy. "What's not fun about clean and organized things?"
"Well, chaos is what runs this world. Control is what holds it back. If everything is controlled and organized, then nothing will be created, invented, or even worth looking at. The world was not meant to be controlled or quiet, it was meant to be loud, free, chaotic"

This is part of a book I am currently writing. What do you think?

276 · Mar 2015

Nothing

Gwendolyn Mar 2015

Nothing

We are exact opposites
So, what now?

275 · May 2013

Alone

Gwendolyn May 2013

Alone

The sky is huge.
So big, like the ocean on a calm day.
But without all the friendly fish to keep the water company
The sky is all alone to face the world
With no one on his side.
Not even the birds or the clouds stay forever.
The sky is never truly happy.
The sun leaves,
The moon leaves,
And we leave
We leave the sky to fend for itself
We are cruel just because we are human
How do we live with that?

262 · Jun 2014

17 words

Gwendolyn Jun 2014

17 words

It's hard to be happy when you are always telling me how many times I've ****** up.

255 · May 2014

Recovery

Gwendolyn May 2014

Recovery

This is the house where I live.
This is where I learned to have thick skin.
This is where I hid when I was broken.
This is where I healed.
And you can see broken smiles.
And hear fake laughs.
And feel hearts being stitched together.
In this house where I live, I learned to heal.

244 · Jun 2014

American Spirit

Gwendolyn Jun 2014

American Spirit

It'll **** you
They said
As I light one more cigarette

It's bad for you
They said
As I pulled another out of the pack

You'll get addicted
They said
As I buy another carton

That's the point
I said
Watching the smoke disappear

240 · Apr 2014

Smile at the Pain

Gwendolyn Apr 2014

Smile at the Pain

Do you realize
How Beautiful
You are?
The way
Your hair
Flys when
You run
The way
You smile
But it's
Never
At me
I don't
Deserve
You
Or your
Happiness
We can't
Be friends
Because
It hurts
Too much
When
You smile
At me
Platonically
But no
One can
Know
Because
I've locked
Myself
Inside a
Closet
That I
Lost the
Key to.

232 · Mar 2015

8 words

Gwendolyn Mar 2015

8 words

You are much too cool to date anyway.

231 · May 2013

...

Gwendolyn May 2013

...

All people wait
They wait for the same thing
And that thing
Is something worth waiting for

226 · Apr 2014

Slowly Crumbling

Gwendolyn Apr 2014

Slowly Crumbling

There is this girl you see
She's crazy
And beautiful
And she scares me

She tells everyone
That she is ok
That she's better
That her demons are gone

I can't help but worry
But can you blame me
She had a date
She was in a hurry

Never have I been so glad
For the loose ends she needed to tie
For everything that kept her here
And please don't be mad

Because she relied on me
To keep her strong
So I was, for her
I only cried where she couldn't see

She needed a rock
I made a front
A flimsy cover
I knew she couldn't handle the shock

She didn't hold me back
No matter what she says
I needed her
She gave me the confidence I lacked.

I get the reasons for her scars
She doesn't believe me though
She thinks I would never know
She doesn't understand my souls black as tar

Pretty soon my cover will fall
She will see how broken I am
And I will try to build it again
Pretty soon she will get it all

There is this girl you see
She's crazy
And beautiful
And she scares me

This is about a girl that I love more than the world. She's my favorite cousin and my best friend. I hope you are here till the very end.

222 · Aug 2014

Strong Enough

Gwendolyn Aug 2014

Strong Enough

I really did love you
I loved you more than you will ever understand
My heart beat for you
I know that's cliche
But its true

I loved you with more than I had
Leaving me in this permanent debt to you
So I couldn't be the strong one in this relationship anymore

I needed you to hold me tight
I need you to protect me
And make sure no one would ever hurt me
But instead I protected you

I'm not strong enough anymore to take care of you
I held you up
And you let me fall
So I shattered

You left this mess
And now if anyone else comes along
They will have to pick up the pieces
Because I am not strong enough

It wasn't all you
I was already cracked
And there were pieces missing
But you said you didn't care
Because you were broken too

So now we both are
And that's okay because
**I miss you too

222 · Aug 2014

19 words

Gwendolyn Aug 2014

19 words

My life is already crashing and burning,
So I might as well sit back and enjoy the ride.

218 · Aug 2014

8 Words

Gwendolyn Aug 2014

8 Words

It's getting harder and harder to sleep alone.