last night at 2:15 am i stared at my phone and typed a thousand things
i sent none of them.
last night at 3:18 am i jumped in my skin as it lit up in blue
one new message from you.
last night at 3:19 am i texted you something i don't remember
it didn't matter.
last night at 3:26 am i sat and waited for nothing in the dark
monsters live under my bed.
last night at 3:49 am i gazed up at a moon that didn't know i existed
meaninglessness is comforting.
last night at 3:51 am i replied with a 'k' and appropriate emojis
everything is trivial.
last night at 4:03 am i talked about nothing and you were perfect
we congratulated ourselves on survival.
last night at 4:11 am i stopped and breathed and looked at the dark
it never looks back at me.
last night at 4:31 am i wavered and cracked and tears came alive
set fire to my skin.
last night at 4:34 am i told you things i thought i'd keep forever
i'm always losing.
last night at 4:37 am i heard things that stabbed me in the throat
with a smile and caress.
last night at 4:42 am i cried and i thanked you dearly for my tears
every last one.
last night at 4:44 am i laughed and shook and woke up the moon
it stared back and shone again.
last night at 4:47 am i said goodnight, i love you, sweet dreams, i love you
you said it back and it didn't hurt.
last night at 4:52 am i read over and over, words marching in war
my eyes bled and i let them.
last night at 5:09 am i slept
and slept
and had no dreams.

silence in the stirring;
i lie awake for no reason at all,
missing intangible things:
home
happiness
healing
and you.
most of all,
you.

and it's easiest in darkness -
the deep absence of day,
the still wake of the night -
because then i can imagine it,
then i can forget
that i'm not allowed
to love you
at all.

some days the pen shakes
some days the sky shivers
and i can't see the moon bathe the backs of my hands
but i'm still okay.

some days my sight blurs
some days my breaths burn
and the eldest trees fall in the eye of the storm
but i'm still okay.

some days your lips still
some days your tongue slips
and maybes screech like harpies at the gate
but i'm still okay.

some days our minds fall
some days our space fills
and blackness towers and stabs in our skulls
but we're still okay.

sort of.

hands and legs and grapefruit iced tea.
sundays and mondays and shy fantasies.
clouds and winds and whims of the sea.
shutters and sun shards and stunted beech trees.
laughs and teeth and birds on the quay.
music and silence and soda on knees.
words and wool and soft middle c.
bare feet and icing and admission fees.
grass and flies and something set free.
cardboard and colours and things all in threes.
skin and lights and whole worlds to flee.
yellows and noon stars and
longing
to
be.

thumping bass of blood and bone
music
words and
me alone.
puncture wounds in skies and skin
goneness
moons and
quiet din.
bitter taste on touch and tongue
questions
dark and
shallow lungs.
sinking deep in pills and past
shiver
stop and
sleep at last.

leaden legs and
brittle arms
empty heads and
too-full hearts.
don't forget to steal your smiles.
****** hands and
wild eyes
blackened skin and
dirtied skies.
how else could you come by them?

(i'd gladly give you mine)