you had always
kept your
**** together
when you felt like
falling apart, and i

i want to be brave like
that.

After decades
of believing that adulthood
is the end of childhood
my skin is telling me
it's time to grow

I swim.
Warm water.
Warm day.
I think of you.
I lift my head up
and my hair slicks back.
I smile widely
as a monarch crosses my path.

I think of you
when I look at the
trees.
See the shadows
and the sun
and the shrubbery underneath.
So beautiful,
for no one.
I hardly noticed
but now I see.
Highlighting and
contrasting
colors.
Shapes.
Smells?
It's all here. So I dry
and catch a picture
when show and tell
appears.

I think of you
when I untie my top...
I wonder if neighbors can see?
Still alone,
I don't stop.
Imagine you entreating me.
I laugh
I smile
and even when I get mad
or sad for a while
why is it
I keep thinking
of you?
Somehow,
of my senses,
your touch
flows through.
Anytime I'm without you
I feel the longing
for your hands.
And to tell you things
that excite me
because I want you
to understand.
I learn more; I want to share.
I hear something great; I want you
to care.
But what I want now
is just for you to be here.

Her favorite color was Purple.
I know this, because I studied the corners of her eyes.
With bright colored bags
and calm painted skin
it was the most beautiful
thing about her.

In fact her name was
Purple.
Excluding the flawless of me,
reaching toward the stars
showing shine
without jealousy!
We even laughed together
as I so eloquently shoved
the idea of her presence
in the grocery store
aside.
I look back toward her eyes
they are broken and proud.
In motion,
I envied such passion
such simplicity without regret
I scold my illusion...

Seeing life without dark
and holding hands with her tragedy
I look
once more
into
human
eyes
and realize,

that I
now am the ugly one.