airport floors are cold
and unbending
the lights never shut off
the same recording
cuts through the music
blaring down the hall
speaking to no one
at three in the morning
airport floors
feel like hell
especially when I know
**** well
that it's only an hour flight
then a forty minute drive
to see you
to see you
with my own
two
eyes

If you could live
twice
you'd spend your entire
second life
trying to relive
the
first

The hatchet
that your mom gifted
me
is now gone to the wind
with your ashes.
It feels like saying
goodbye
all over again...

Cellar door
cell
door
Sell my soul
just a little more
*****
for a cellar
that holds nothing
but an empty,
empty nothing
nothing but nonsense
sense
sense
My cents, two cents
lined up on the door
lined up
Coked up, on the mirror
let me disappear
behind the cellar
cellar door

The weight of this backpack
has increased ten fold
with the attack brought on
by a typed out, computer emotioned
decision
I can already see my friends
slipping through my fingers,
my sunshine dream setting
in the distance,
"goodbye" "goodbye"
instead of "see you later"
went from a Gator
to a dropout
to a hopeful Mustang
to a head hung in shame
with no one to blame
so long bright beaches
hello again rainy day
Bay

"You're cute!"
jumped off the walls
of the ally
"Except you're smoking
a cigarette so now
you aren't"
unbelievably
my spirits were raised
till she stumbled
into a car
with a drunk
driver

if there is a
crash
I hope she becomes
a
survivor

Sometimes my blood
boils
over the edge
I try so hard
not to lose my temper
but father, you let me down
when I saw mother hit the ground

Sometimes my blood
freezes
in my eyes
I try so hard
not to let it hit my heart
but mother, know its not
your fault

Sometimes my blood
is just normal
and it seems so strange
that's why I run
that's why I boil and freeze
because deep down
I'm not satisfied with


with
me

You swore you'd **** me
if I smoked a cigarette,
but don't you see
they are doing it for you.

With your hands on your hips
and a smile on your lips
lookin' like you just
got your first kiss
I'm finding it hard to resist
'cause I'm an artist
and you're a masterpiece
I think you could be
the greatest part of me
if only I had the guts to say

Hello, hello, it's nice to meet you
I'm sorry that these teeth
that greet you
smell of cigarettes
but I think you're
the best in the
room

there are times
I wish phones
never existed
so people that
stepped out of my life
weren't inches
from my
fingertips

Tell me sweet nothings
I'm yours
for the night
tell me sweet something's
I'm yours
till the end of
time

These sunburned shoulders
will peel away
eventually matching
once again with my
pale skin
but the day that beheld the
scorching heat
will not be so easily
forgotten

I've been forced
to swallow my pride
so many times
I'm turning to the Darkside,
coming up quick like that Anakin kid,
except I don't have a son so I won't give a ****
and the little light inside
won't have fuel to ignite
in times of dire strife.

My first memory
has set my life course
Great Grandpa down the hall
whistling
and Great Grandma
speaking to a ghost,
making a charm to keep me safe,
but to this day I feel
presences flitting here and there
I can't tell if I'm mentally ill
or if I really sense spirits
drifting through the air...

Someone to
lay in bed with
listening to
Red, Red Wine
lip syncing
dramatically
to every
line

Red spots like laser sights
appear across my face
a constant battle to
conquer boyish complexion
like I've had for the past seven years.
Come on body, I'm twenty
so please stop killing my
self confidence with
acne.

days
weeks
months
and I'm still flying
solo
not even close
to a special someone
I linked arms with
a lady
and that was hard won
even if it was only
to keep her from
falling
.

rain fell while we swam
hurriedly packing our things
I wrapped you in a towel
then ran down
down
to your house
dried your hair
played with Niki and Skipper
waiting for the turkey
had a drink with your mom and dad
then turned to you
arms wide, heart sad
you fell into my hug
looked up
I woke
up
.
.
.

Every sandwich that
is born by my hands
feeds hunger
makes me wonder
Why pastrami, and not salami?
Why extra mustard but no O/V?
I listen to the stories the sandwiches
tell me.

I apologize
for the hoops I've
made you leap through,
the chemicals I've
put into you,
and the burns you've
suffered
at my
command

I'm sick of liars and cheats,
past roommates who
don't know how to be responsible
kicking me in the teeth
with bills that built up a year ago, when
I wasn't even living there,
to pay
that **** isn't my responsibility
did you think energy was free?
And do you think my minimum wage job
leaves me with the room
to throw around money and
cover your *******?
I can barely pay for my own classes
let alone your mistakes.
A day ago a friend tried to off himself,
that hits hard cause I've tried to **** myself
and I know where he is at
I can't do much
I've said my piece, tried to be there
tried to hold so many people's heads up
my arms are getting weak.
I've been keeping my car together
with duct tape
just last week I was this close
to getting *****,
followed up by six days of work
where half the people don't pull
their weight
and I just got enough dough
to put food on my plate.
I once said
"it's never that hard to escape"
I was wrong
I'm so mad I could scream my lungs
dry and ******
and so sad I could collapse
and cry with my nose runny.
I just want someone honest
to hold me, they wouldn't even
need to say anything
just let me fall asleep next to them.
This ******* pen that I put
so much of my heart in
doesn't stop the hurt
just puts it in words
so I can read them on repeat.
Hell I don't expect anyone to like this
it's a mess
a mirror image of me
my reflection in a sense
and I realize we all have problems
and none of us can stop them
fine, I'm going to drive until
I run out of gas
or crash
anything to make all this ****
in the past.

Anxiety
has been
creeping in
under the door
and seeping into
my floor
so each step
I conquer
poisons
my toes

Xanax
a cure for some
a vice for others
but friend of mine
don't let little
pills
be your downfall

I thought
after all this time
someone would have
found me
a little
intriguing

Feelings come
and feelings go
it's really all the same
ain't no one to blame
if one leg's strong
the other's broke
it'll heal in a matter
of time
so don't get choked up
on losing hope
close one eye
it'll be fine
let the currents
free your mind
'cause feelings come
and feelings go
it's really all
the same

My mother always worried
that Grandpa's genes were in me
he was manic-depressive
I was a bit different
so all my mother could see
was a mirror reflection of her dad.
I went through spurts of depression
followed by perfectly cheerful months.
Even right now she is fearful
my move and flight were manic decisions.
I am determined to show her
this time the bright eyes
won't
f
a
  d
   e

Cigar smoke
gin
cards slapping, chips clacking
Shouts of dismay and victory
bound around the room
Chairs scrap as legs stand straight
a ten, three royalty, and an
ace.
I found my friends
with pocket Jacks,
all in,
and a
sloppy
poker face

One day, totally by accident
I'll let it pass the gate
that is my teeth,
the sentence we speak
composed of a few words, three
to be exact.
You might not even react,
thinking that it's a friendly gesture
or a simple fact.
It'll pass, unnoticed, dumb.
But at least I will have it
gone from these lungs.

Only a week and three days
till I get paid
and the fridge light
will have something to shine on,
the acid in my stomach
will have something to digest,
the knives in the drawers
will come alive
while the stove flame
will be burnin' bright
heating the single pan,
these are the thoughts
of a hungry
man

Life is a game
and I am a
cheat

Food is finally
a possibility

There is no escape
from Wonderland
once you're in
you never come out

Who would want to
leave
Here you can breathe
the smokey trees

The cheshire grins
forever kept in, take my hand
there is no return
from Wonderland

I care about
every one
of my friends
more than I care
for me,
so when you say
I don't give a ****
I get offended.
I'm tempted to show you
what not giving a ****
actually looks like.

If only my conscience
could span the divide
between minds
and envelope yours
in pure
comfort.

They say diamonds last
forever
I guess my love's a diamond
for you
I say things I think are clever
but you leave me
smiling like a fool

If I had diamonds
for everytime you
saved me
I'd put them
in your eyes

They say gold can buy you
happiness
I guess you're the only gold
I have
I'm happy when I'm kissing
your lips
I hope this is something you
grasp

If I had gold
for everytime you
saved me
I'd put it
in your heart

But all I have
is sweet, sweet love
I hope that's
enough

I hope that's
enough

4:30
awoken by
something unseen,
unheard
but felt
starting with my
extremities
chilling tingle that engulfed
and slithered over my skin
sinking deeper to
lick my bones
turn me to stone
chisel apart all
that I encompass
then eclipse final moments
whispering me back
to the
ground I was
born from