what does it feel like,
to be worthless--
poor and *****,
cold and hungry?

or can you be well fed
loved, and filled with hope,
but still be worthless?

can you live your normal life
with a smile on your face
dancing around, singing--
laughing and hugging.

but then you can't eat
you shake at night,
over sleep, or under sleep
and do things to get rid of the pain.

is that what it feels like to be worthless?
to not have anyone by your sides
in order to keep you standing.

or to not feel anything,
when someone says
"I love you"

and when you see the people who
once loved you, walking happy
and content-- all you can do
is smile and wave--

even though you're all --
broken up inside,
no matter what you scream,
they will never hear you.

is that it?
can someone please tell me
the meaning
of this word


worthless.

Bleached walls, and incandescent lights
The mind illustrates it’s own world
With dreams, desires and abstractions
What it wants, but can never have

Droned out vocalization, and exaggerated sighs
The mind fills in the gaps
With chatter, remarks and laughs
What it wants, but can never have

Concrete floors, and tiled ceilings
The mind creates it’s own scenery
With grasses, mosses and trees
What it wants, but can never have

Constant progression, and flooded walkways
The mind orchestrates it’s own utopia
With sunshine, breeze and cloudless skies
What it wants, but can never have

Impenetrable mist,
A fog so thick,
I lost myself in you,

I grew and grew,
Sprouted my roots,
And sauntered into the gloom,

I see your shape slowly fade,
Gradual, painful, oh how-
The mist overcame you,

Swallowed you up,
Cozy and tight,
It the dark midst of the night,

I searched and searched,
To see you again,
Under the street-light,

Where we first met,
First loved,
And first saw the night,

For what it was,
What it is,
And what it’s meant to be,

This fog will never clear,
You fade away,
And I slowly decay,

Into the mist,
Into the dark and cold,
Wishing and waiting,

For the time I see you again.

I feel cheated,
walking through-
this sticky heat
where are you?
how you could say
you're still there
I won't see you
any other day
stop saying that
you don't mean it
I feel cheated.

The petals dance above me
Each swirling in its unique way
Everyone is a petal
Individual but the same
Each swirling on the same path
But each headed to a destiny
only they can fulfill

Some are lost, gone or destroyed
And the dance slows
Becomes less of magical
And soon none are left
No individuals
Just all the same
Petals falling off a tree

Beauty is in
The eyes of the beholder
The heart of the lover
And the mind of the seer
They swoon and swoon
For her affections before noon
To sweep her off her
delicate little feet for dinner
Competition is swift for her
Aggressive and quick for her
They all want to be her first love
The purest and most innocent--
of all things, the heart of the untouched
And the unloved
She wears little white dresses,
skips on sundays, cleans up her messes,
and curls her hair for brunch
The beholder, lover and seer call her name
But she thinks they're all kind of lame
For she isn't into those gentlemen
No, no, not one bit
They just don't seem to match her wit
She is luminous, brighter than most
Just because she's beautiful
Doesn't make her delusional

love is an earthquake
let me cry, let me shake

let me just sit and wait
for that day to break

leave me here darlin’
and don’t ask where I’ve been

because I won’t tell you
it’s not business you can attend to

keep away, please leave
I just need time to grieve

do not worry about me
I will find my own way
alone and sorry

Sometimes I wonder, I wonder why
Things seem to just go awry,
I am the epitome of confusion,
grief, pain, loyalty, forgiveness,
love, loss, replacement, and trust,
I am used to things like this by now,
It's happened once, twice, thrice...
It's not like I don't know my life
I continue to be trodden upon,
And told "It's not that bad, c'mon"
I know I'm being foolish and so are you
One of these days
I am going to give up
and say "I don't have a clue..
what to do with any of you"

Have you ever known self-starvation?
That pang in your side,
the empty feeling in your stomach.
Have you ever felt that?

Then don't tell me I'm wrong.
It's addicting, believe it or not,
so don't you dare tell me to stop.

It's not that easy for me to just bite, chew, swallow,
because later I will be the one in pain,
and wallowing in my own sorrow.

I look in the mirror,
at my distorted reflection,
and say "I'm not there yet".
And I keep trying, I have been,

for five years.

So don't tell me,
to just quit it
because honey
I can't.
I'm a slave to my own ambitions.

A wash of rainbow colours materialize from the faded sky blue
Somewhere in the world, you’re there too
Gazing up at the atmosphere gawking at the chromatic sight
Wishing a certain wish, for someone in your life    
            

Lonely, as lonely could be
Uncertain about the future, whether to fight or flee
The jaded green, scuffed and mangled, envelops our terrain
Ultimately, someday we will arrive back here again


The embraces and kisses will never occur too soon
Resulting in a budding romance that will eventually bloom
The time that was lost, will be regained
And all scars that were created, will no longer remain

candles glowing in my room
cheap liquor, smell of perfume
forget-me-nots one of a kind
this is a dream, I'm losing my mind

everything is just an opinion
its all blood stained freedom
people think they know
in reality, everything is faux

scruffy plaid flannels
pink ring imprints
flakes of snow flurry
naked trees against the skyline

watching the sunrise
5 o' clock in the morning
worried looks, slight smiles
these things that are mine

the lone wolf cries
welps, squeals, yells
hoping for the magpie
to carry her song

spread it around
someone has to hear
the sad sad sound
of a lone wolf shot down

Self-starvation

                        It’s how she lives, how she breathes, how she sleeps

                                    Food, food, always obsessed with food

                                                Going hours at a time on nothing

                                                            Dizzy, so very dizzy

                                                                        The lights are too bright

                                                                                    She hides away in the dark

                                                                                                She sleeps and sleeps


                                                                                                                   Miserable, lonely and heartbroken

Skin deep
the wound--
you cannot see.
I make my own music
melody of life,
an insatiable rhythm
only for me.
*******,
I am okay--
sleeping
my days away.
The sun burns,
blinds my eyes
there's nothing left
to cry.
I'm a wild thing,
you cannot tame me--
bad ******* do it
I swear I can prove it.
Back away,
I bite, I claw
I cry--
out for more,
to feel and to burn,
my heart has been stolen
and will forever be yours.

I do bad things
just like you
I wish people knew
or had a clue

what the **** I am going through

In doing this
You're hurting me more
I hope you know
I feel lost, empty, confused
I just want our bond, renewed

This is so hard for me
To stand idly, when you're so close
I can reach you, but not touch you
And that is slowly killing me

My voice was heard,
But basically rejected
And I have been infected
By this never ending pain
That's all I ever retain

I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry
I caused this, this strain
I just can't help it
That I have such strong feelings
That will never go away

                               *I'm sorry...

She feels empty
Every morning
Every night
It seems like things
Will never be right


Her life is crooked
Her love has faded
Nothing she does
Is ever appreciated

Kicked aside
To the curb
No one cares
if she’s lonely or hurt

They just laugh, point and stare
It’s not like she really cares
She’s the odd one out,
The freak of the crowd

To them she’s just another joke
They wont allow her to be close
An outcast is she
Never to be free

She sees only one way out
The way that cowards take
A bullet to the brain
A knife in her side
Standing in front of a train

All she wants is the pain to subside

slick white tile
I crash again
water droplets run from my hair
to my feet
and swirl down the drain
in one last hoorah

No matter how much I scratch
rub or claw
the **** that surrounds my skin
will never come loose

down the drain goes
my love for people
my trust in you and
thoughts and feelings
that used to make me smile

someone cleanse me this ick
make me pure again
remove the soil from my heart
and start anew

or turn me into something beautiful
where the dirt remains in my chest
make me a garden
water me, give me plenty of sunshine
and I will forever devote myself
to living, breathing and existing once more

Midnight rain
starts again
flashes strike
thunder remains

to shake my bones awake

Midnight rain
turns to day
sparkling clear
droplets here

to keep my brain there

Midnight rain
starts again
lights flash
bedazzled night

come to take us to light

blue sky clouds fog
it wont ever clear
I thought You were mine
things are so clear
-    -    -    -    -    -    -
The Future?

"I dont know"
.
"I really don't"
..
"I can't say"
...
"I'm scared"
....
The gap grows
                                  and grows
                                                           ­   and grows.....
less of love
less of feeling
less of believing
......
more of lies
more of doubt
more of lonely nights
.......
loss of ties
loss of belief
loss of saying
........
"you're mine"
.........
fog clouds sky blue
things are so clear
You thought I was yours too
nothing will ever clear
-    -    -    -    -    -    -

woof woof
went the dog
who barks until his throat is sore

hiss hiss
went the cat
who growled until her fear was no more

ouch ouch
says the girl
as she slowly fades away

die die
says her mind
which thinks she's a waste of time

forget forget
says her heart
which tells her to stay strong

fight fight
says her love
which keeps her going along

Water my veins,
keep it flowing fresh--
help put me to rest.
Refresh my memory,
make sparks fly--
so I stay alive.

as it barreled toward us
in brilliant white elegance
I yelled but felt nothing--
I couldn't help but think

I am okay with dying

You talk to someone special
And you act like I don't exist
What we have had at the past few weeks
Has just suddenly disappeared

"I really do not understand you"
You tell me this everyday
And I say
"I don't know what to do"

You ask why I say that
But really is that
That hard to figure out?
Think about it

I don't know what to do
About you
With you
With myself

You confuse me with
All these mixed messages
I cannot understand
What you're telling me through your actions

I wish you could say what you feel
Or even give me some kind of clue
That I am doing things right
Or utterly wrong

Once I know you do not want me
I will give up and forget you
And forget everything
That I have ever felt

I was so sure that this was it
I finally found someone that
I truly loved and admired

But I guess my mind made up our story
Just like the past few
My mind makes these dream-like realities
Where I do not know what is real or false

I am sorry for anything that you now regret
I am sorry for everything I did to you
I am truly sorry for being stupid enough
To believe you.

I guess this is it
I lie here heartbroken
While you go on unscathed
Am I overreacting, or is it you.

Today I stared at you longingly,
our eyes met and yet --
I couldn't look away.

My saddened eyes conveyed,
what words could not say.

I wanted to memorize your face,
in case--
I wouldn't see you the next day.

I know in my head
our most terrible fate
you will be filled with hate
and a broken bond
will never mend
ever again

Your lips burn
Kisses ****
All of these
Give me a thrill

The smell of the wind
And the rustle in the trees
All I can think about
Is you and me

Why are you doing this?
You fog my vision
Until I am unable to see
What is happening to me?

What did I ever do to you
To get this all of a sudden
Do you think this is funny?
Because I am not amused.

Just spit it out
Say what you are
Why conspire against me?
What will it take for you to see

What you are doing to me.

Because honestly
How can you not spot my anger
My rage, the thing that drives me mad
And keeps me going for days

Just spit it out, spit it out
We all can see, we all know
Just show it, embrace it
And I won't be like this anymore.

C'mon c'mon, what are you waiting for?
I know deep down in the center of your hearts core
There is still something in store for me
What are you doing?

Just open your eyes and see.

This is so painful for me
It's utterly confusing
What I think is never right
When I am wrong it is right

Everything is in a twisted knot
One that can never be straight again
So please just let it go,
And let everything show.

Just be happy, smile
Live your life for a while
Do not give up
And I will help and not stop

So please just listen for once
To my rants and my shouts
Maybe then you will learn something
And not just sit around and pout

Its not  just me, its everyone
So please do not lose control
For I know
You are a twisted knot

*One that will never be straight again.

A tight knit room
all the fog, all the gloom
gasses start to swirl and dance
putting all that witness,
in a trance

vision fogs, body tingles
in a room, no one mingles
the world is fading at last
its all spinning and moving
way too fast

Here I come,
here I come,
to the land of the free
and the numb.

Skunk in the night air
red cheeks, messed up hair

Beads of water through my pores
whats mine is now yours

Feel the torque of the engine
twisting hot metal, revving

And your heart beats
like a metronome

It puts me to sleep

Driving in the midnight
close to the light

Can't stop speeding
my life is fleeting

Before my eyes
Before I die

Kiss me goodbye
please don't cry

This is it
This is the end

I see you
I rush, and run
Who needs you now
Well, not me
I’ve moved on

Repeatedly I say
“I am okay, I am okay”
I know there is no worry
No sorrow, nor pain
or quite anything to gain

there is no luck
or fear, nor strife
things are rigid and bland

boring and ordinary
but that makes life
extraordinary

the little, the meager
the things that
leave you eager

simple, and strange
even the deranged
makes me crack a grin

looking at the future
working mysteriously
and leaving curiously

become an empty shell
and let everything
collapse and meld

forget things
move forward
dont hesitate
on the awkward

forgive and solve issues
clean bad blood
and keep things pure
and mature

dont linger
on the past
lets things fly fast

confusion is your
best friend
keep it close
and be a good host

stay empty
cause then you
are nothing
no one to bother
or smother

There are only a few things that make me feel alive
The pang of hunger
The feel of summer
And your fingers intertwined with mine

A breath of fresh air
The sweet nectar in the breeze
Birds singing in the morning dawn
Warm pavement on slippery feet

The dew in the grass,
The leaves on the tress,
The wind through my hair
And the sound of the bees

Your eyes locked with mine
Quiet noise and long stares
Staying up all night,
Not giving a care

The sound of the moon
The tide coming to shore
The crickets in the thickets
My heart is no more

Put on a pretty face
And smile when you're told
Cause you are young
And you have no control

Make sure everyone sees
How "happy" you truly are
So underneath you can hide
All of your nasty scars

Smile, wave, show those teeth
Don't be afraid to give a little wink
"Things are so great!" she shouts with pride
But then she cries and shakes at night

My dear, my love..
Were you sent from above?

I swear I saw you
Float down to the ground
And laid there until I found,
You in the midst of the night

Covered in moss,
Your eyes glossed,
And skin like thin glass

Hair as fine as silk,
Now filled with filth
And body smeared with ****

You cried and you shook
Wailing, with no intention to stop
Not saying what made you sob
You remain silent still to this day

And I just want to wipe your tears away

Your beauty is substantial,
Your mind so fine,
But you wont speak to me
So you can't be mine

silence spreads across this empty space
all things still, all things in their place
shallow breaths, exaggerated sighs
with your hand intertwined in mine

I want you here, I want you close
because you’re the one I want the most
stay darlin’ please say you will
lets just lay around and be still

keep me happy, keep me sane
keep me saying “come back here again”
I know you know, that I know too
now I no longer am feeling so blue

Pierced through me

Is the shard she sent

Through her eyes

Oh she’s so divine

I cant keep her off me

Scratches
Burns
Scrapes
Kisses
Scars

Things that wont ever fade

Physically beautiful

Mentally insane

Why are things this way

Get off me-- just get off

I’m done with you

I told you we were through

I hope to die,
I hope to perish,
Leave me-- just leave

One more night

I woke up from the rain
For two hours I remained
In my bed thinking
In my own thoughts I am sinking

Over and over this thought comes to mind
What did I do this time?
Did I make a mistake,
Or is this guilt fake?

I feel like I hurt you
What have I come to..

Have I turned into a monster?

Wondering and waiting, sitting and watching
Am I not aware of what I am causing?
I keep a watchful eye on you, but still I am clueless
What are you thinking, I know wondering is useless

What the hell am I going to do
I just want our bond to be renewed
Please don't hate me
But this is what I foresee

I am so scared that I ******* this up
Please go on your way, and I wish you luck
For I am truly sorry for the pain I caused
And for now everything is paused

Empty headed, and thin skulled, we lurk, pace and crawl
Forget, forget, forget, then remember and reminisce and hurt
Thick skinned, and heavy footed, we stomp, scavenge and maul
Destroy, destroy, destroy, then build and burn and ruin

keep my bleeding heart wide open
warm tears beat on this cold bed
your soft sunrise hair smells like summer

keep me alive in this cold room
warm and bundled safe from the gloom
your soft rose lips taste like winter

keep me aching to say I love you
warm and content in my pasture
your soft glow feels like spring

I glance at the bottle,
my hand, her heart,
back to the hand,
where rests the same--
white pills that keep me going.

I stare at the white,
the colour of innocence,
purity, and now grief,
and instant pleasure.

To lose you would be,
the last thing that happens to me,
I can't take another loss,
I can't cope with all this debris.

You can't fix me, you can try,
to help and give reassurance,
so many others have,
but things always go awry.

I will stop, I swear I will,
this is the one habit,
I have to ****.

I'm sorry I am this way,
maybe you should just forget about me,
leave, and don't stay
so you can save yourself from,
the cloud of pain that surrounds
my broken heart.