I knew it
but I ignored it
I shouldn't have ignored it
I really shouldn't have
God, I shouldn't have.

I met him twice.
one time I saw him and I noticed his curly hair.
really big and wild hair.
I really wanted him but it was just the wrong time.
I had to go through tough times and be the wrong girl.
I was the wrong girl.
I wasn't the best girl.
I wasn't the best person.
I was a ****** person.
Then I saved a seat for him one day in class hoping he would sit next to me again like he did before.
He sat there.
I felt my heart burst out of my chest.
I felt the butterflies in my stomach.
I felt myself going crazy.
I was always calm.
I was still a ****** girl.
still a ****** person.
still so ******.
but I knew I wanted him.
I wanted him more than I wanted anything.
I really wanted him.
so everyday I was excited to go to school.
to go to class.
to see his face.
to hear his voice.
to be in his presence.
days went by and my like for him grew.
I believed he would never take me serious.
why would he?
why?
but he stuck around.
never asked me for anything.
treated me with the most respect.
& he was the first.
he was the first to respect me.
he taught me so many things.
taught me how to love.
taught me how to respect myself.
taught me how to be a woman.
he made me into who I am today.
I'm just so glad that I went from a ****** girl who hated myself into a girl who loves herself.
he's the only one I can thank for everything.

I really love being in love. I love who my first love is. I mean without J who would I be? he helped me change. he helped me find the real me. the girl who always had potential. he's the love of my life and I need to be with him forever. I can't stand the thought of us splitting. you're my other half. so just stay with me forever. I'd give up everything just to go to sleep and wake up next to you, just to make love to you whenever and just to love you with everything in me. I would really die for your love, I'd do ANYTHING for you. I'm so passionate about you. I'm more than in love with you.

I know people like to feel special because they touched someone's body for the first time. I know I didn't open up my body to you for the first time but I opened up my soul to you for the first time and that's a more worthy reason to fall in love. I was scared to fall in love and open up but when I was breaking you were there to hold me in your arms and I was so confused because I thought I was the strongest person in the world but there I was crumbling into little pieces and you were the only one who gave me hope on better days. There are days when I wake up hating myself and the world around me but you were there to help me gain my balance back. You were there to pick me up by my bruised body and help me see things clearer. You gave me a voice when I felt like I wasn't strong enough to speak. You helped me fall in love with my laugh when I was so used to frowning. You put visions in my eyes when I saw nothing but failure in myself. You run your fingers through my hair when I just lay there feeling completely lost and speechless and you make me remember the first time our lips met and how nervous I was but how much I loved it. You didn't say anything when I was trying to find myself but seeing your face made me realize I deserve the stars and you deserve the universe and all I ever wanna do in life is explore the skies. I always come back to you in pieces not asking to be fixed but you do it anyway. I can come into you because you are my home and I only feel safe with you. You are my everything and I am sure that without you, I would be lost.. I would be dead. I'll always need you. You touched me without using your hands.

you changed me for the better. you were the only one who was able to get the bad and good side out of me. you made me be the most "me" I can possibly be. you helped me find myself. no one has ever experienced me the way you have. I am forever grateful for you. I am hoping for a forever with you.