You are my very existence.
You hold my beating, throbbing, mangled heart in your hands.
I am in constant awareness of your absence when your body is not with mine.
I ache for your touch
I hold my breathe between the moments of communication between us
You are my breathe
You are my eternity, you are my dreams and wishes
You represent everything good in this world to me.
I know at times I get lost in my own head, my thoughts seem to gravitate to the worst possible conclusion of every issue.
I know I can be short, and seem cruel or unfeeling
My greatest weakness is not thinking before I speak
But my greatest strength is having you to understand me and love me anyway.
You give me a power unlike anything I have ever felt
The ability to not apologize for being me, the removal of expectation, the freedom and support to follow my heart.
Knowing you are standing beside me, makes me invincible, immortal
For every characteristic I lack you possess
For every attribute I fail to express, you are there to show me how
My teacher, my protector, my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my heart, my soulmate, my fate, my faith, my hope, my partner.

Pure joyful intoxication
In the presence of his body and soul
There I have found my paradise
Giddy and full of anticipation
Every nerve, every sense is stimulated
Blissful, in complete surrender to his commands

Playful yet purposeful
Jovial yet sincere
Ecstasy and intimacy like never before
His touch starts a fire burning deep in my soul
through every motion, every sweet yet sensual kiss
Brings this scarred spirit to life

Indulging in the flesh
Deeper than any connection in history
Addicted to this euphoria
Craving more and more
Wanting to revel in the feeling of two bodies becoming one
Drunk with desire
Hungry to experience all that he has to offer
Desperate to remain in this embrace
Unable to wipe this foolish smile from my face

This soul is experiencing an awakening like never before
Years of straining to please the masses
Decades of being lost in the world of judging eyes
Condemned by every heart she had allowed close
Driven insane by the words that replayed every minute of every day
Relentless scratching on this chalk board of reality
Torture that seemed to be her eternity.

Rescued by the sun
A simple caress of her cheek , the sweet sound
the vibration of his voice
So easily untied the ropes of life that had strangled her soul
Strange stillness has replaced the chaos of her mind
Tranquility washes over her

Peace settles in to take root
As she watches as if she is a by stander to her own life
Watches every inhibition
every fear, every thought of failure
fall away like magic

He is her missing puzzle piece
He is her balance
He is her dream
He is so unlike any before him

She catches her breathe at every encounter
In awe of the man standing before her
Amazed by the serenity he provides
Which to her is the greatest gift in the world

Standing in the shadow of the day
Enveloped by the darkness
Petrified to step into the burning light
Watching humanity self destruct
from the comfort of my shadow
The sadness and guilt drive me closer to the edge
Wanting to just put one hand out
To try and save even one soul from destruction
Even though I know that doing so will only leave me burnt
Still I cower in my solidarity
I lock away all the inner decay
Hoping that by hiding it from the light will make it go away
So cold and lonely here
Yet I find the pain familiarly soothing
This shroud of emptiness and resentment have become my cloak
Sheltering me from the dagger of society piercing what is left of this heart
Sparing me the rejection of others
And the judging eyes of the hypocrites that fill the streets of hell
Exchanging only brief glances
Screaming out for help with a single stare into the eyes of another
Praying that someday someone would see the sadness and rescue me
Only problem is I am surrounded by demons not angels

As the chill of winter begins to fade
The trees begin to show signs of new life
Flowers begin to bloom and reach for the glowing sunlight
I sit on my back porch on a warm spring evening
Gentle breeze blows through my hair
My eyes drift closed and the smell of new born honey suckle plants
Paint the breeze with a light sweet fragrance
I am instantly taken back 20 years into my past
Days of carefree fun, playing as a child
Climbing trees, skint knees
Riding Bikes til dark, Exploring in the woods
Me and my brother frantically hunting for the biggest and sweetest
honey suckle on the bush.
Even for a small moment my innocence is returned
Intact and as if it never left me
Oh if I could live in that memory, true and unaltered happiness
Free and easy
Effortlessly moving through life on a wave of honey suckle breath

Why do I sit and ponder and analyze every aspect of this life?
Spending hours and days contemplating my place in this world
Day dreaming of how I wish my life had turned out
Imagining the day that fate will finally show me favor

Why are some people easy to leave behind but others break you to your soul?
Why do we want the ones who don't want us?
Why is that I can't bare the thought of not having you in my life?
Why can't I see the reality in front of my face?
Is it just a chemical reaction that causes the bond I feel?
Is it all in my head?
I feel as though I am losing what is left of my sanity
I would live through a thousand heart breaks to be in your presence
Would endure any pain that may come from this decision
With ease and pleasure
why?

Why do I seem to seek those who take my love for granted?
Those who use and abuse me
Why do I always look for the other shoe to drop?
Why can't I at least have contentment?
Why is happiness so brief and fleeting for me?
Why do I see only certain people through rose colored glasses?
Why am I cursed with an imagination so vivid that fantasy and reality begin to blur?

Every moment of the past 33 years I have hidden
Behind this veil of vanity
Covering every doubt and self destructive thought with a  lie of arrogance
Seems that the scars of the past still exist
Deep down under the woman you see
Lies the scared, unsure, timid little girl
That was bullied and torn down
Not  just by her peers but also by those she gave her love and trust to
Never truly able to be herself, so scared of judgement
Terrified of rejection
No one could every really love her, because reality was that she never exposed her true personality
As a young child she put on shows
Pranced around in all the jewlery and pretty clothing she could find
Begging for the attention, she couldn't give herself
Over achieving at every task
Desperately  trying to mold herself to what others wanted her to be
Bragging of her beauty and exposing her body
All in a failed attempt to draw attention away from the mortified child inside
So photogenic, so prissy and proper
So damaged, so broken
Would she eventually believe the ruse she had performed for so long?
Or would she become more and more disguised by the veil hanging heavy over her face
Her breathe becoming quick and labored
Her skin beginning to sweat from the heat of the sun
Everything spinning, becoming dizzy
Until this reality becomes the only option
Until this veil becomes her face for eternity

For just a day if I could lock my perception of reality away
And see through the eyes and heart of another soul
To truly be able to walk in your shoes
I can only imagine how transcending it could be
Could I discover new words, new worlds, new emotions
Being able to feel what you feel
Touch what you touch
Inhale your world as my own
Breathe in every new experience
A new born baby viewing in awe this new world
Taking each step in stride and each moment as my last
Able to watch the movie of memories
Sensing past pains and new hopes
Sharing your greatest hopes and dreams
No longer just an audience member
Now a major player in this scene of existence
No longer blind to what appears on the surface
Diving deep into the center of your being
Finally able to embrace the heart that is hidden so far beneath the exterior
Wisdom of understanding
Giving a new found appreciation for your life
Honestly able to console and empathize
Now knowing what makes your inner time piece click
Opening up a infinite world of possibilities for our future

Drawn to you like a powerful magnet
My soul recognized yours and once that energy met
There was no pulling us apart
How strange to feel so strongly toward another soul
Even though time in each other's presence has been short
My heart and body yearns to be near him
A strange form of attraction
Never experienced
New and rare
An immediate connection
Seems like I have been standing still in the same place for so long
Then I was jolted when I started speeding toward him
Involuntarily moving into his space, into his arms
Chemical reaction, electrical impulses have taken over
So familiar yet never experience
Savoring every moment, every second we get
I know how fleeting this feeling is
I have had the butterflies many times
But they never lasted, they changed and morphed into agonizing pains
How amazing would it be if they stayed
I am a dreamer and yes my heart is permanently attached to my sleeve
I follow my heart and emotions
Even if they make me do crazy irrational things
No matter how hard I try I can not change that aspect of me
Its impossible to remove the whisper of hope deep down in my heart
The chance that the one may be out there for me
May end in heartache
May end in eternity
The fact of not knowing keeps this hopeless romantic wondering
Will the gravity between us remain unchanged?

Alone he sits in an empty pew
Enveloped in the silence of his mind
Old aged wood creeks and echoes through the sanctuary
As he drops to his knees
The only light is a sliver of sunshine cascading through the stained glass
portrait of a savior
Creating an almost heavenly glow, illuminating the hope buried deep in his soul.
He begins to pray but is interrupted
by the devious acts that plague his past
Haunted by decisions
Marked for eternity by the path he has chosen to travel
Memories and regret flood his heart
How can he be forgiven by his creator if he cannot forgive himself?
Blinded by guilt that has ridden havoc on his physical body and his spiritual soul
A small whisper tickles his ear
So faint, so soft
Like a lullaby sung to a small child
Where does it come from?
What is the source of its existence?
He recognizes the melody but can't remember the words.
An hypnotizing tune that drew him to this very place
Faith, however faint and tiny
Fleeting breeze it may seem
Has taken root long ago
It grows and replays its tune like a broken record
Beckoning to the listener
Pulling at the fiber of his very being
This man is humanity itself
And faith need only a single note
to become a glorious symphony and lead him to the answers and forgiveness he so seeks.

Mommy please make other kids like me
Mommy please take away the sting of rejection
Mommy please make it easy to be me without constant judgement
Mommy help me to not worry
Mommy please take away my boo boos
Mommy please mend my broken heart
Mommy please show me how to survive in this cruel world
Mommy please keep me safe from harm
Mommy please show me how to follow my dreams
Mommy please tell daddy to stop beating on my self esteem
Mommy please tell him to love me and not always see the wrong in me
Mommy please help me to get his attention
Mommy please make me whole again
Mommy please don't cry when I go to sleep at night
Mommy please keep praying for me
Mommy please keep watching over me as I dream
Mommy please make it easy for me to learn
Mommy please help me to focus and sit still
Mommy please always tell me you love me
Mommy please never leave me

A small wooden cross lingers on the side of this back county road
Tiny compared to the enormous world that it exists in
Weathered, beaten by the wind
Soaked and flooded in the rain
Faded by the blinding sun
But somehow remains standing and sturdy
Teddy bear clings to the cross
His stitching all but come undone
His fur black from the exhaust fumes of passing vehicles
Passed by on a daily bases but never noticed
Ignored by the cruel world that caused its presence
To mark the place a last breath was taken
To mark that a life was torn away from his mother
A life that now is only represented by this roadside grave
Faded decaying flowers
Blown down the road decorating the harsh gravel lining the path
Once beautiful colors not ***** and stained
Sadness washes over me as I pull to the side
To ponder what that life could have been
To imagine how he may look now
How his voice would sound, how his smile would brighten the room
There may be only one visitor to this pitiful sight
But that one visitor would give her own life to change places
Each roadside memorial has a story
Has a heart and soul and energy of those lives taken in that spot
Don't just pass them by
Stop for just a moment and pay respect to the love that still remains
The love that will never die

Never would I seek to cause you pain
Never would I plan your demise
How I ache for just one more look in your eyes
I wish I could bare my heart and soul and mind to you
Let you inside to see all that I hide
So you would truly know how much I love you
Words are hurtful
Silence is death to what we had, I know
I realize I allowed the silence to destroy the good we once had
I would give anything to reverse that choice
I know matter what I say now or do
You will question my intentions
No more nights cuddling
No more laughs together
No more sweet kisses
My clown ninja has gone
My heart breaks over and over
As I remember all the times we had together
All the happiness you brought in my life
All the times you stood strong for me when I was falling apart
Took you for granted
Took your friendship for granted
I abandoned you when you needed me the most
I will forever regret that
So now, I know I can't change the past
Can't take it away
All I can do is ask for your forgiveness
All I can do is promise never to take you for granted again
Hopefully one day you will understand the logic behind my actions
One day we can rekindle that friendship I cherish
If not I understand and you will forever live in my memories
You will be immortal in my life
Because so many of these words I have written speak of you
I will read them and remember you
I will cherish the moments we shared
I will always love you with all my heart, please don't doubt that
Doubt my actions, or lack there of
Never doubt that you hold a piece of my heart and always will.

Emotion has been the huntress of my soul since I can recall
Completely filling every inch of this physical being
Be it an amazing high
or a deathly low
Either way my spirit is ruled by her
I hear whispers in the early morning light
Faint and smooth barley able to determine any form of speech
Speaking to me, slowly recalling every moment of despair
Every moment of pure bliss
My mind will forever be running to decode the meaning of it all
Endlessly gathering and hiding the dark ones
Pushing them so far away from the surface, so that they are never to be seen by the outside world
Groveling at the feet of my fellow man
For one small speck of affection,
for one second to feel whole
Longing for acceptance in a world too shallow for this old soul
A mask of narcissism hides the outcast
Hides the feeling of disgust felt when I look in a mirror
Disguises the hollow center of it all
So well that I  begins to believe the outward appearance
Believe the words of favor and beauty
Even if only for a brief glimpse to see myself as I can only imagine
But these eyes have been darkened by years of apathy from those  I craved acceptance
Never been easy for me to speak the intensity of every emotion I experience
Putting word to paper has been my only saving grace
The only insight to who I truly am
For the outside world to view a small piece of my heart.

I beg of you to be patient with my heart
She has been torn down and broken from the start
She gets caught up in the moment
I usually let her lead the way
Even though in the past that has seemed to be a problem
She may love you with all she is
She may want the fairy tale to be true
She may fall so hard that all thought of reality escapes her
I ask that you be patient, let her become accustomed to this new life
This new love and new emotions that are over loading every sense
She will let go then pull back, that is her built in defense
Don't take that as a bad sign
Don't doubt how she feels
Just give her time and space to express herself
To evolve into this new role, instead of leaping head first
So terrified that if I dive I will drown
Drown in my own insecurities
Down in my own fear
Drown in the pain of the past
That has formed me
Formed me in the need for independence
Formed the routine
Formed the ability to cope with the loneliness
Please understand this has no reflection on you
Nothing you did or did not do
This is the inner battle I fight every day
This is the paralyzing fear of change
Of possibly losing the person I have worked and slaved so long to find again.
A part of me wonders , have I come so accustomed to the pain
That it has become my security blanket
My addiction, the feeling that reminds me I am alive
As the tears stream down my face, its a release of emotion
Trapped for so long deep inside, hidden from the world
Locked away in my own personal prison
Am I the poison
Have I crafted my own fate
All this time I blamed others, was it me all along
Was he right?
Will I never allow myself to truly be happy?
Am I too damaged to love or be loved?

After years of emotional abuse from a man I thought loved me
After  a lifetime of comparing my body to supermodels in magazines
After decades of staring in the mirror and being ashamed of what I see
Trying to hide from public, Covering the scars with makeup and hairspray
Painting away what I saw as ugly
Too fat, Too round, Too curvy, Too thick
Double chins and a belly that never disappeared after giving birth
Society stained my soul
Made me question every piece of clothing I bought
Made me nervous to go in public
Provided anxiety that was paralyzing
Transformed a fun loving young girl into a scared and unstable women
Constantly unable to stop comparing myself to others
Looking for someone to see my true beauty, when I couldn't even see it myself
The hardest lesson I have had to learn in these 33 years on this earth
Is how to love myself, truly
I may seem narcissistic to some, because I do like to have a photo taken
But that is not because I see the beauty its because I constantly am seeking approval and admiration from others that I have be unable to provide to myself
I am done living in the prison in which I have created
Time to let go of all expectations and really be free
Free to be myself
Free to love my body and every scar present
Free to show others my soul, my heart
The true self that resides inside this earthly body
The spirit which posses more that any exterior could show
To be able to see the amazing light given to me by our creator
To be able to look in a mirror and see the love it took to create me
The love that is more beautiful than anything material in this world.

He sneaks in through the window of my soul
Never seen or heard
No for warning no sound to alert his presence
He needs no reason to visit, no wealth to claim
For the possession he steals is more precious than gold, more rare than
diamonds, but unseen to the human eye
This burglar of bliss comes for any trace of happiness, any small inclination of hope
Any joy that was once felt and captured so easily in my heart now is his prize for the taking
With no rhyme or reason
The cloud of sadness is his cover and it seeps in to the cracks
Filling the once warm rooms of my mind
With chill that runs down my spine
So hard to explain to those who don't know his name
So confusing and painful for those of us tormented daily by this thief
How the worry and thoughts of sadness move over you
Take over your body and mind, no matter how hard you fight it
No matter how much you just want it to go away and free you
from this agony
One moment of joy, one day of freedom is what is held dear
At least for those of us who are still here
Those of us who have not lost the fight yet, but battle this burglar of bliss everyday, every waking moment

Obviously from experience I make a rather easy target
How easy it will be for you to just blame me
Say I am the one who let you down
Tell yourself that I was childish and in mature
That I caused you heartbreak on purpose
That I felt nothing and how easy it was for me to forget you
To move on with life as if we never existed
Get angry with me
Show me your true colors, show me some resemblance of emotion or caring
Anger is so much easier to cope with than pain or loss of love
Give it your best shot dear
Blame me, for the end
Blame me for the silence
Blame me for the loneliness
Blame me for the memories turned to dust
There was no breakup, no loss of relationship
Just loss of friendship
My reasons to do so may have been selfish
But I had to let go, had to set you free from the "what if" that is me.

Taunted and teased by the empty page at my finger tips
How easy it can be has stained the moment of imagination
The process of artistic creation
At moments emotion seemed to flow freely like a river to the sea
Other times I am strangled by the pen in my hand, muted by the
want to put it on paper and stop it from punishing my heart
Its a unquenchable thirst that plagues every second of a writers
life.
The need and desire to let out all the darkness inside, all the joy, all the light until nothing is left.
Vocally she may not be able to represent her thoughts and dreams
But on paper a whole new reality is formed and the deepest visions the wildest notions flood the blankness

The following is a confession of a busy single mom who has realized that there is no excuse for letting this world take her away from her child.
Rushing, rushing, springing through her day
She works a 8-5 then picks up her child,
After dinner, homework, housework and preparation for the next day are done she had no energy remaining in those tired bones.
Bath and bed and a story to tell
And when she finally sets down before bed for herself she realizes life is passing her by.
Time is flying and the moments are turning into years
Age is showing on her face, her hair is becoming silver
For a split moment she stops, she ponders the days events and how they fold into the grand scheme of things
And in that brief second she has a parental epiphany
Time is so precious
Time and love are what life is about
And even though all her time is focused to providing and loving her child, her small moments of time are what her daughter hungers for the most.
Not stressed mommy, not busy mommy
Happy and silly mommy
Playing games, painting toenails, making silly faces and stories
Those will last a lifetime and longer
That is my legacy, that is my immortality
The rest is just something we do to pass the time and get by
So a promise was made deep in her heart
A promise to stop and breath
Stop and savor the moments however small they may be
Because the biggest and best part of being me is being her mommy!

Countless nights on my knees, hands folded in prayer
Pouring my heart and soul out to my maker
Trying so hard to be patient and wait
Finding it to be a never ending challenge to try and tame the desires of humanity.
The weakness of the mind and body
Only wanting to escape the sins of this shell and find the one soul to fulfill mine.
To love a spirit is to see beauty not only on the surface but see it resonate from within.
Lighting up every inch of skin from deep down
The longer you stay in their presence the more gorgeous they become.
Your eyes no longer see exterior
They find super human powers to fully see through this hollow hunk of flesh into the celestial being living inside.
No many get to truly experience this, but when you do it is a miracle.
This type of love is transcending all others
It makes the world change and causes there to be peace where there was once turmoil.
Illuminating a once dark and sad place
Washing over every moment with hope and contentment

Since memory has been logged inside this whirl wind of thought
I have struggled with this inner angst
Only those who have suffered from its botheration can comprehend
Invisible nuisance that affect every aspect of one's day
Vexation of every nerve that runs through this shell of skin
It can begin with the simplest trigger
Small agitation can seem like a complete catastrophe
For me it begins deep with in my skin, starts to manifest as
heavy breathing, feeling as if I am going to jump out of my own skin
Ants racing over my body, every tendon tightens every muscle
begins to take on a life of its own.
Only able to focus on the disarray of my mind, every outside influence
sets off a string of grenades that explode on who ever is there at the present time.
Never discriminating on its target, wiping out every thing in sight
Uneasy in every situation
A mind blowing affliction of the worst kind
One that can only be felt inside out
The mind begins to run a marathon
Endless possibilities of conclusion to each situation
Pondering every mistake, every  choice over and over
Unresting, unsettling, unnerving
Unable to stop fixating on each tick of the clock
Each tiny sound of  a pin dropping on the cold steal floor
So much of this will eventually drive us insane
Break through the glass house built around this mind and heart
Peace is the ultimate heaven
Escape from one's own mind.

There is no shame or disgrace in exposing the deepest darkest corners of this spirit
In fact without the comradery of this family of artist surrounding our craft there would be no audience to appreciate the stylings of the soul.
Some may be timid and reserved, afraid of judgement
Lost in the image of perfection defined in another's eyes
Oh if only we as humanity were more approving and accepting of differences
We would have solutions to issues of the world
Cruelty would have no home here
We would all have the same dream of equality and love of thy neighbor.
It saddens this poet to see the pure evil displayed in this world
No matter what the cause or reasoning
Deep inside my prayer is for love
Love pure and strong
Love in the innocence of a child's heart
That can see no difference, that only can see love
Love like our creator has for us
Unconditional, unwavering
With each word I can give
I give all a piece of myself
Exposed and naked
I give it freely and in hopes that another can see and sympathize
or empathize or recognize a piece of themselves in my reflection.
Unable to stop, knowing if I ceased those thoughts and dreams
My being would also cease to exist

You say you are not the one for me
You say you will never be
Why are you the only person I can truly open  my heart to?
Why must it all be so complicated?
I feel the love you have for me, when we are near
Yet you push it away the moment it begins to surface.
Your fear of failure is poisoning what could be our own Eden.
You don't even realize either way we lose,
You lose me if I find another heart to actually want to be the one
You lose if you give in to us and it turns bad
But isn't the possibility of us turning out amazing so much better than none at all?
The more you break my heart, the more I yearn for you
I want to believe how I feel more than what you say
In this fictitious reality I have envisioned, you want me
You want nothing more than to be together
How do I separate my fantasy from what is real?
I can't let go completely for fear of losing every moment we share or may share
But I can't go on, teetering on the edge of this cliff
Some days feeling as if my feet are sturdy and the ground firm under my feet
To the next day feeling as if one small breeze will send me tumbling to my doom
I may be left with no choice but to cut loose the strings that hold me to you
Free my heart from you,
Free you from the guilt of knowing I feel more for you than you for me
It will not be easy, and it will be so very painful
But would I be doing us both a favor in the end?
For we all know old lovers just can't be friends

The conduct of my heart had been sentenced to solitary for what felt like an eternity.
Exposed to those who didn't cherish or deserve my love.
Every new prospect of hope was dangled in front of this broken soul only to be snatched away before made whole
Hunting endless miles for my prince charming

When all along I should have been seeking my King.
The moment my ears detected his voice
The second his eyes, like crystal blue waters of the sea, met mine
All inhibition left me and I found myself suspended in the joy that surrounded this damaged heart.
Peacefully and effortlessly I fell into his arms
Though it may all be new in this world of time and space
The feeling is so familiar as if we have been connected since the beginning of it all

Joined on a deeper level that what is physical
On a spiritual plane of reality in which only we exist
Relishing in every touch
Savoring every kiss
Occupying this dream of desire
Craving to be close to him
Sharing life's breathe

His caress has set the caged bird free
His divine spirit has removed all pain of the past.
Captivated by every word that escapes his lips
Mesmerized by the delicate nature he takes with me
Inspiration thrives now that I have found him

If we are constantly seeking something better
Searching for the next best thing
How will we ever be able to enjoy the grass under our own feet?
Seems that no one is content with the blessings of today
The world moves faster, technology takes over
The ability to connect with others all over this world in the blink of any eye has caused us to put on blinders
Why stay, why work at a relationship?
When with the click of a button there are endless options at your disposal.
Made so easy by society to ignore the soul
So easy to be shallow and see only the surface
Never taking the time to dig a little deeper
To truly know someones heart
Raising the next generation with these delusions of grandeur
Losing site of the morals and values of the past
Waiting for the next to exceed the present
Wasting away never completely satisfied
Locked away in a mirage of importance

Wake to the soothing sound of waves crashing against the warm sand
Feeling the sunlight gently kiss each eyelid
Naked skin caressed by the silken cotton sheets as she tosses to motivate consciousness
No rush to rise, no tasks to perform today
No Burden of this dying world weighing on her heart
Able to capture every moment as a Polaroid in her memory
Coffee brewing fills her senses
A grin develops across her face much to her bewilderment
Hours spent in frivolous conversation
Strolling along the waters edge aimlessly
Ice cold drink resting by her side
Company of the one who's been a constant through this wild and crazy ride
Peace fills her once empty heart
Napping together, sleepy yet unable to keep her skin from merging with his
Whispered secrets soft and low
No place to be , to where to go
Truly living in the moment

Eyes open wide
Closed for so long the light brings them pain
Took the risk knowing the odds were against me
Left to ogle at the selfish face of mankind
Unable to grasp how causing another discomfort can provide you such pleasure
Running through each encounter in my mind
Trying to see the missed warning signs
Unable to fathom such evil
How many lessons must one spirit endure?
Before it resides to solitude
Disconnecting from the world
Rebuilding the fortress that once protected her heart
Still in the end
Better off to be lonely than in agony
Better off to no longer be the victim
Better off being free

My own worst enemy is residing inside my rib cage
She fights and tears at the flesh to escape her prison
Throbbing and pounding blocks out all sound from the outside world
With every social encounter a blinder is applied to all negative
She blinds the brain and takes over all senses of the body
Desperately searching for kindness and acceptance in the face of evil
She can transform the most gruesome, slithering, conniving demon into an angel of mercy
Her gift is her never ending curse
She plunges recklessly into the shallow waters, drowning, waiting for a savior to provide her breathe
A ravenous ache settles deep with in her soul
The objective of her existence is to locate devotion of another
Regardless of how many times she is trampled to the ground in the process
A gluten for her own punishment
Continuing to open the wound and pour salt in it, as soon as any sign of healing has occurred.
Forever seeking solace in another is her affliction
Fabricating false hope in each new encounter
Composing the tragedy of her own demise
Analyzing every flaw, every imperfection
Tormenting herself over and over
Until her body is rendered motionless
Numbness sets in
Allowed to reside for a stint
Until she is entrapped by another devil
Doomed to continue this cycle

Contrary to what society has bread the world to perceive
There is no privilege set to any human born to this earth
There is no just reward for the righteous here
There is no slumber for the fatigued souls
There are no streets paved with gold
Some may claim all the wealth and worldly goods
Yet death comes to all and no wealth can abstain it
The toil of each day falls on us all
No matter the color, the size, or shape of the mass
Gravity pulls us equally, discriminates against none
Dare to bare your soul
Which knows no boarders or limitations
Dream to walk together in heaven along a jeweled path
Where the limitations of earthly existence hold no sway
Bask in the light of the only true gift
Let love be your professor
Let the spirit guide your every movement
Search your very essence to discover your talent
Each individual has so many, if only society would allow it to be shown
Shown with out fear or rejection
Free to be what our creator intended.

As I walked sullen and slow down the path that my life had become
Always looking down at the dirt below my feet
Never stopping to notice the sun or the smell of spring flowers
Sluggish and unresponsive to life happening around me
Swiftly fate pulled my legs from under my body and left me bewildered
Out of my own imagination he came
Unlike any other soul I had ever encountered
Showing himself at precisely the perfect moment in time
Bringing me the most treasured gift in creation
The prospect of hope, the light behind the eyes of a kindred soul
Words hold no comparison to the feeling he invoked
This almost recognizable stranger had woke me from the slumber of depression
Indescribable how breathtaking life's twists and turns are to the heart
One moment at the end of her rope, now on top of the world
Permanently floating on cloud 9
Where time no longer exists and the past is a faint dream
The glare of the morning light brings dreams of the future
Cherishing every small second
Living for once in her life, not just existing in this world
Inspired to create masterpieces
With an endless supply of emotion to use as her pallet

When no one else is around
Count on her when you are down
She is the best seat filler in town
A warm body to take up the empty space
Always available, always ready for someone to use her
Never plan A
Always up for replacement
Wearing her heart around her neck
Like a noose or a leash
Waiting for the next puppet master to pull her strings
Sweet and funny, happy when shes around you
But inside she is dying, decaying
Because she knows what she is
She knows that the seat filler will all she can ever be with you
Why not her?
Why not her heart?
Is it that easy to watch her self destruct
That easy to push the ignition button without blinking an eye
Don't play dumb, or ignorant
You know what it does to her
But instead of letting her go, you keep her at arms length
Yearning, aching for a little more
Praying wishing that one day
One fine, beautiful moment you would see
All she wants is to be season tickets

Right or Left
Up or down
Too many choices for the weak willed
No one to do it for you
No one to show you which path is safe
Uncertainty is your nightmare
Bound to a turntable of opportunity
Spinning so fast you don't have time to grab anything that you may want
Dizzy from distractions of this empty universe
Your mind is flooded with options
Every minute a new one surfaces
New what ifs
You are so lucky, but have no clue that you hold something so priceless
You have already attained it but don't know how to truly see it
An apparition of a possession so valuable that the owner can not even prevent it from harm.
Fool to believe that it could be safe with you
Wasted hope, tortured wishes
Your apprehension to choose has left holes in this option
Left emptiness where once was fate.
Take your time
Choose wisely
For the choice of mine is no longer yours

Every new dawn draws more and more away from my failing ***** of love.
Memories slowly slip into oblivion
The harder and stronger  I attempt to hold them, the faster they slide through my fingers
The small bits of hope that I cling to, the little moments of love, the romance the feeling of being wanted
I cherish them, but as the time begins to wear at my heart, like a rust
Slowly covering every surface inch until completely black
They are washed away, taken from me as I sleep
Robbed of any happiness that was once held by them
Replaced with emptiness
Void of emotion
Void of hope
Void of dreams
Leaving a feeling of being vandalized
My most sacred thoughts stolen by the evilness of solitude
Solitude who starts as a friend and begins to taint the mind
Eventually corrupting the soul
Left only with hopelessness and anger
Frustration and fear
To wonder and ponder the reason of living on
Taking the tiny bits of joy and turning them to horror
Pain that swallows us whole and takes the breathe right out of our lungs
Desolate and lost in the vast desert of humanity
My face begins to disappear into the nothingness of the crowd
Nothing to separate this tortured soul from the next
Estranged from love or any resemblance of it
Withdrawn from society
Falling deeper into the abyss of her loneliness
So close to the point of no return

Playing tag with your shadow
Waiting for just the right moment to pounce
The light and night begin to play tricks on my ****** eyes
Twisting and turning between darkness and sunlight
Slinking and slithering around my feet teasing my senses
Floating through the room inside my soul
So easily, so gracefully, so quickly
Never staying in one corner for too long
I turn my head and you are gone.

One moment you seem larger than life
The next you are nothing put a speck of dust
As I slowly begin to believe the hallucination I see is real
Shape distorts and you have become an unrecognizable monster
I get so close but can't hold on
You slip through my skin like a spirit
Taking all the life breath as you pass through my hollow shell of a body.

So many times in this life hope is crushed by
desperation, despair and deceit
On some rare occasions there is a sliver of abundant happiness
It becomes contagious
Spreading from one gentle smile to the next
Through a crowded city street
Exchanged over and over between friends, lovers, coworkers and strangers

I stand in total amazement
As one small gesture
One person's expression of caring becomes a
waterfall of love and jubilation
Washing over all it comes in contact with.

Hope as small as a grain of sand
Can truly build into a mountain
One helping hand
Can carry the weight of this weary world.

Dancing doodle bug gliding across this blank sheet of trees
Up and down
Sideways and front ways and back ways
Only visible to me
Shapes morph into people
Dots that join together to form the endless chain of imagination
Monotonous Motion
A reflex to mindless flow of thought
Sound folds into one continuous stroke across the universe
My brain has drifted into an endless abyss of creativity
Any possibility can occur
Ordinary is no longer reality
Every movement bends light to energy
Every drop of ink comes to life
Animates the simple structures into
Complex creations
Infinite possibility of white
Every vision, every dream develops into
the life gifted to the page

Its a pain that I'm unable to explain.
Physical yet emotional all in the same way.
To the outside world its invisable and non-existent
But inside there is a stabbing, gut wrenching pain.
A blade being ****** through my abdomen over and over again.
Until nausea over comes and chokes me close to drowning
The very organs that make me a woman are poisoning my blood, my life force
Every emotion is magnified, intensified
made into a life ending dilema
Every nerve throbbing, transferring through every part
Making my legs weak and my heart race
The blood running through my veins has become acid
Alone in this prison of emotional and physical hell
No tender hand to caress my cheek
No soothing, comforting words to lul me to sleep
No strong arms to wrap me up tight
No soft lips to kiss me goodnight
The darkness of solitude is seeping in
To encompass and destroy any small bit of hope left
Fate has cursed my every move
Tarnished every hello, expecting and waiting for the goodbye
Destined to wallow for all eternity in my own tears

Amidst  a lush farm of green as far as the eye can see
Is a barren plot of soil that is as dead as dead can be

No plant will take seed there
No fertile soil to produce or replicate
Dry patch of earth, so unwanted
Such an eye soar to the surrounding farms

Void of all nutrients
Void of life giving springs
Dust and brown decay fill the air
No harvest will exist there
How sad that the reason for its existence does not apply
How sad no farmer will take the time to tend her, care for her
Time to turn over the soil until life is reborn far beneath the surface.

When the sun is blinding over head
and the sky is as blue as sadness
When the depth of darkness is masked by a smile.
When the haunting memories are washed away
How easy it is to love me?

Easy to see on the surface, only the small piece of my soul that I have chosen to show.
Simple and clear
Apparent but invisible to all the world
Her true self manifest into a sugar coated vision of your imagination
How bizarre that pain in me, is seen as bliss by you?

I have become a master at my trade
The game of deception and disguise
Locking away the form that is reality
Bury deep any unconventional thought
Polished and Polite to the outside world
Predictable, painted, shield
Designed to destroy all light

As a child the frustration and aggravation we caused our parents counting down the days until Christmas or our Birthday.

And those afternoons in elementary school trying not to doze off while counting the minutes until the dismissal bell would ring.

The older I got the more I've counted my life away.
Count the years until 16 to be able to drive and be free.
Count the years until 21 to be able to drink and feel like a grownup.

Counting the months then years of the length of each relationship
Waiting to be wed.

Then counting the negative pregnancy tests over and over becoming hopeless that I would ever be able to count little toes and fingers.

Counting the tears that I shed for my husband, as the fairy tale family I dreamed of turned into a nightmare.

Counting the nights left alone, scared and waiting for him to return home.

Counting the minutes between each contraction.
Counting the moments before my miracle would arrive.
Then counting the staples in my belly where she had to be taken from my body so that we would survive.
Finally counting ten piggies and ten little fingers

Counting the hours and days daddy left us alone and scared in the hospital for him to party and drink.

Counting the paragraphs on the separation papers
Counting the steps to the court house
Counting the people watching as my romance and love was flushed away

Counting the almost endless nights praying for me and my baby
Counting her smiles, counting her wishes
Counting her Birthday's

Counting the moments I am blessed to be her mom
Counting the hours of work to be able to return home to her.
I will spend my lifetime counting.

In the darkest pit of my stomach
There is an insatiable hunger
An unnerving ache to satisfy my need for rapture
A primal and beastly urge
Eager to gently nip at your tender flesh
Unquenchable thirst to drink in your love
My appetite for you grows with each passing second
Anticipation teases my senses
A craving to be ravaged only by you
Completely at your beck and call
A slave to pleasure
Desperate to feel the sweat trickle down your skin and drop onto mine
Desperate to taste the kiss of desire with every pulsing, throbbing vein in my body.
Desperate to loose all connection with this reality and transform into an animal of lust.
I devour every glance, every touch, every caress as if it were thy last
No satisfaction for me
Until our earthly and heavenly bodies are enfolded into one
Unable to see where you have ended and I begun.

A piece of meat, looked over and over by the many judging passers by
The female species has been seen as nothing more than a rack of red meat
Displayed for all on the shelf of a butcher's store
Categorized by grade A *** or chop liver
Seen only as a price and short lived experience of eating it, only to toss the scraps to the dogs.
Viewed as an object of satisfaction
An instrument of pleasure
How cold for them to dismiss the heart
To ignore the soul
To yearn for the sin of gluttony
And still feel hunger for something more
Emptiness and a void no choice cut could ever fill
Yet the primal urge wins
Instinct and hormones combine
and the result is grotesque
Turning a radiant, amazing, complex woman
into a raw, cold, frozen piece of flesh to be consumed
Ravaged and torn apart by the serrated teeth of man
Shred into nothingness
Her dignity drowned as she is washed down, bite by bite.

The heart of mankind bleeds
The blood of innocent children shot in the streets,
measured only as a casualty of war
The blood of a mother using her own body as a shield to protect her young
The blood of a soldier and a father protecting freedom at all cost
All freedom of humanity is at stake
Hatred and greed are becoming a plague and once it spreads there will be no hope left.
I can't bare the thought
The nightmares that flood my brain
Visions of death and destruction
Brother slaying brother
The world transforming into a eternal blackness
The emotion can be so overwhelming that it overcomes my soul
It feels as though we are fighting a losing battle
The few who lay down their hearts to help another
Those who gladly dedicate their energy and love to the mending of mankind.

She was never first choice
He kept her around as plan B
Would give her enough attention only to leave her baited on the line.
Dangling, hooked and waiting in agony to be caught.

She longed for every drop of affection
She survived on every sweet word or empty promise.
Only to watch him pass her by when someone else came along.
Used and tossed away like trash.

Whenever he was lonely or rejected
She was who he called
How cruel to tempt her with hope
Only to ****** it out of her hands.

No matter how many times the cycle would repeat
she came crawling at his feet
Over time her worth decayed and her heart turned to stone.
Left to envy others
Left to jealousy of happiness
Left to never know true love and acceptance.

And even as his bride
She was haunted, constantly looking over her shoulder.
Permanently comparing herself to others
Waiting for his next challenge to steal him away.

Knowing he could always count on his "Back Burner Bride"
to be his door mat and save the day.

I have no monetary wealth to give
No gift of gold, frankincense, or myrrh
No diamonds to shine or rubies to sparkle
My gift is one of the heart
My gift never goes out of style
and will never go bad or loose its grandeur
The only gift everyone wishes to have returned
A gift that if shared will multiply and spread to the entire species of man.

My gift to all is the kindness of an open heart
A promise to lend a helping hand
A kind work of encouragement
A hug when you are feeling blue
A ear to lend and to listen
A shoulder to cry on

A promise to you all
To be a friend to catch you when you fall
To never let you feel the sting of solitude
I dedicate my life to the goodwill of man
To not let a day pass by without giving a smile to a saddened soul
A compliment to a broken heart
To uplift spirits in any way humanly possible.

Even though my gift may seem small
I offer it to one and all
May we not waste a moment or take for granted how beautiful the gift of life can be.
May an example of love and kindness that was born in a manger fill our hearts and spill out into this cruel world.
Merry Christmas to all!

There is no material possession that could come close
To the most valuable feeling I so desire
The true meaning of Christmas
The true meaning of life
What we all seek
Yet some never find

To find my one true love
My other half
The completion of my heart and soul

To wake to the smile of him watching me sleep
Warm, soft, secure feeling of being held in his arms
To be able to finally hand over my heart, to the one I know will
Never betray it, who will keep it safe at all costs.
The one who would gladly give their life for mine.

Eyes to stare into mine
And really see my soul
The darkness and the light
Able to fully be free with another

A kiss, so wet and long that it takes my breath
Every morning and every night
Someone to be silly and laugh
Someone to never forget
Someone to cherish every memory and every moment with

A lover and a friend
True intimacy
The hand to wipe away tears
To lift me up when life has knocked me down

My muse, my inspiration for life
The subject of so many of my works of art
Someone who thinks of me more than anything else in the day
Who dreams of our lives together
Our adventures and our endeavors

My partner in crime
To explore and discover new together
How I yearn for him
How I pray for him
How I wish and dream of him

Waiting is agony
Day after day
Year after year
Slow torture of loneliness is eating away at hope hope left

Where is he?
Where is my Christmas gift?
Where is my happy ending?

The world wants to condition my heart
To conform my soul into a blank slate
Molding with experience and disappointment
Gradually shaping until it is frozen in stone.

Motionless, empty of emotion
Paralyzed by society
Left to view the beauty from outside
Through jaded and cynical eyes
Never allowed to experience depth of love I so long to feel

Cursed to be a by stander
Constantly searching
People watching
Longing, yearning for fate to step in
Waiting for what seems like eternity

Slowly sculpted into a statue of my former self
Void of color
Drained of hope or inspiration

All the love stored away for that "one day" is gone
Frozen in ice
Cold to the world
Resolved to dwell in my prison of solitude
Away from betrayal and lies
Never again to feel
Letting no other soul close to mine.

I thank God for the little things
Like the smile of a child
The hope a new day can bring to a lost soul.
The feel of a warm fuzzy blanket on a cold winter's eve.

I thank God for the little things
Like being able to lend a helping hand
The smell of fresh cut pine on Christmas day.
The beauty of a sunrise shared by lovers.

I thank God for the little things.
Like moments of silence when time seems to stand still.
The sensation of crisp morning air gently caressing my cheek.
And how faith can guide us through the storm.

I thank God for the little things.
A smile or hello from a stranger
Kindness shown without any expectation of return
Love given even by a broken heart.

I thank God for the little things
The ability to see the beauty all around
To watch a bird soar through the sky
To accept blessings each day, hope and pray that they will never just pass you by.

For decades of pain have nailed it shut
Each heartbreak, each betrayal is represented by a nail driven so deep into
the wood of the window that it cracks.
Every tear shed is dripping like the morning dew slowly across the pane
The glass is thick yet fragile
The paint has all but faded away
To open it would take an army

A mass of males to move this mighty mountain
Yet you expect it to fly open so easily, with a gust of summer wind
For all the vulnerability left in me to be shed, open to all
Ripe for the picking
I wonder, is your window that easily opened, or is yours so guarded
that no one will ever even be able to view it or gaze into.

Over time you have been allowed to view the beauty and decay that exists on the other side.
Even got to slightly open for a moment
Do I even hope for the key to unlock it
To open it to the world
To open it to hurt
To seek the unknown ahead
I may never know, I may never be brave enough to even try

But its so sad to think, that it may have opened to you, and you alone
But fear made you flee
Never to see