Reminisce
On years gone by
Already feeling too old
To be alive
I remember
When I was ten
I learned to lie
When my heart couldn't mend
What I was
Wasn't the way they wanted me to be
I twisted my everything
To find some lost ideal
I couldn't just be
A little girl in this world
My form had to transmute
Can't go back through the portal

Love and lust
Are all tangled and complicated
In the pile of my clothes on the floor
We're twining our bodies in and out
Of the positions in which
You
Could make love to
Me.

It's not that there's people I want it with...There's people I DON'T, you're not on THAT list at least

The ache in my heart
Is equal to that
In my groin
I want you because
Because
Because
If you take me
It means you love me.

I'm waiting for a perfect night, Alice. That's when I want it.

And I know
You still love her
But GOD ******* **** IT
She's willing
To rip your heart out
Then tell me to clean up the mess.

I love you.

And that still feels good
After the
Aborted attempt
At seducing you
And my tears
You hold me
And remind me
Of a perfect night
When you first told me those words
And I can't help but feel
You want me to have
Hope.

If only you knew
The way I think now
Under your own roof
I am not the child you raise
I am acceptance incarnate
The Racism you sowed
Bigotry you nurtured
That fell to the Scythe of Truth
And it will not return
For Consequences of Discrimination
Have burned the field and salted the Earth

How you'd hate
That I love others as myself
That I do not point out the mote in my neighbor's eye
I know that a plank rested in my own not so long ago
You would hate that I actually listened to the words of your Messiah
Yet somehow I don't believe
I am a child of this generation
Not a 50's throw-back, a servant to men
Like daddy wanted, it so enraged him when
We were all serving ourselves food but somehow
When he was meant to do the same
We did not heap a plate and bow to him, a humble offering for
The work he no longer does.


My children will be watched
Carefully
In your presence because
They will not live in a world that loves racism,
Homophobia,
or sexism.
Their world will
Hopefully
Be a better place than yours ever was.

You asked
And it was given
You asked for trouble itself, and you asked for it by
NAME
Foolish animal, not even a girl, you
Had the world.
You had everything I wanted
You had
The
BodyandfamilyandinnocenceIlost
But you cast it aside
Which is why I suppose
Your petty God learned
Really learned
Not to cast pearls before swine.

Everyone at your school knows.
How do I know?
The rumors. They spread between SCHOOLS, girl, they know what you do.
Leaching off of boys you don't like and admit to your distaste
For food, presents, false love

You lacerated the heart
Of my lover and my love of YOU
With your falsehoods
Your random, fatal, pathetic snaps
At his weak, soft, sweet confidence
YOU hurt him
Worse than your ex ever hurt you
And my LOVER did not LIKE the HURT
Unlike YOU, or so you tell me.

I've washed my hands of you.
I am not angry at you, because you do not deserve that much of me
My anger is at the memory
Of my
Best Friend.

Give me the warmth of your love

Let me drown in it.

Let it so overwhelm me that I can't think,
Can't breathe
Let your sweetness smother me
And drag me under
The surface
Of  your embrace

When you aren't wrapped around me
Legs twining, skin pressed,
Your head resting over my franticbird heart
And saying
"I can hear you heart beat; why does it pound like that?"
So I can say "It's a small animal thing"
And smile
When I can't have that
I breathe
Like it's 20 below
And the cold of it rips into my
Lungs and hurts and
Bleeds like nothing else.

The pool of your heart
Is deep
The waters warm and silky
Let me stay
Under the surface
Forever
Until I die and find
My Unending Forever
Hopefuly
With
You.

Be good enough?
Body and soul
There's not purity in me
And I want to be
Perfect

I want to be the snow
Before it ever touches the ground
To be the thought
Of love
For the first time
In an innocent mind
I want to be what he needs
Even if I don't know what that is.

My flesh, on my back
It screams, begs for the blade
The pain
Puncture it like duck-skin
With a knife
A blade
Oh GOD PLEASE
Just give me the pain
But I can't.

I cannot
Give the blessed pain
To my own skin
Because I can't hide it.
Thank
Everything
That he makes
Regular checks of my
Palescarred body
As we lay amongst
Comforter and stuffedanimalmonkeysandhedgehogs
I can't hide the lines
On the expanse of my back or thighs
Because he caresses them
Thank God he thinks
I'm perfect.