With a cigarette hanging between my fingers
The perfume of liquor on my lips
I think to myself that maybe
I could've been more than this

I'm closing my eyes
And I'm trying to believe
That for once I am changing
Climbing back out of my grave

But, though the fog is fading,
I know what lies beneath.
Under smiles and laughter
So many tears and this disease

I'm sure there's no cure
So I don't wanna hurt you, too
Because the day it comes back
I'll fall away from you

I don't need to think about love
Somehow it seems it's not meant to be
At least not for me
But there are nights that I still dream
Involuntary
Of someone there to hold me
Of a feeling like comfort or security
And from these dreams I wake
With such foolish tears
Drying on my tired face

Can I be blamed?
For wanting what others have
For grieving the loss of love I've never known

Just an errant thought, of course
I know better than to wish on stars
That shine on us, impassively
And maybe it's true
That I've known too much of hate
To ever offer love to you

But maybe...
But maybe.

And it's like that
That I wonder what more life could be
Without this vague aching
Without this empty part of me

Something I've only felt in my dreams
Just as beautiful and perfect
As it is impossible and fleeting
Or so it always seems

Smoke curls and dissipates
Like a ghost into the void
Lungs are black as tar and oil
Putrid sludge suffocates the soil

A frog is croaking far away
The wind is warm tonight
A shimmering sliver of moonlight shines
Broken bones are such an awful white

Branches rattle and a nightbird sings
A song so sad and hollow
There's no clear path that leads to here
This small valley filled with sorrow

Heavy are the first drops that fall
As the storm rolls in above
The scent is clean, and mixes strangely
With the ash piled in the mud

Pouring rain patters on the leaves
Lighting punctuates the dark
Haunted screams ring in the distance
Lost in thunder, blood, and bark

Time is just
Blurring together

Days aren't distinct
One from another

I am only
Grasping desperately

Days passing dully
One like the other

I guess I'm the fool
To fall the way I do
Trying to get closer
Closer to you

I don't even know
How this is meant to go
Emotions, racing heartbeats
Forces still unknown

And I've tried, oh I've tried
To tell myself it's not true
But I know when I see you
There's only one thing
One thing I wanna do

Ugly, petty, and broken
Remnants of a knowledge still unspoken

To him maybe I'm someone else
To him maybe I'm not myself

But it's wrong of me
Believing in a promise of tomorrow
When I'm supposed to be
Already dead

A teardrop falls on tissue paper
A child's toy falls on the forest floor
A precious stone is thrown away, accidentally
In time these things are lost
Forgotten, faded
Like me

Was I good enough?
Was I even okay?
I've stopped asking these questions
By now I know
It doesn't matter what I do
Doesn't matter how pretty I smile

A teardrop dries and the paper is untarnished
The child grows older and moves on
The stone is replaced by another
And without me your life will be the same
Without me means nothing to you

I know
I know
I'll wash off

I'm drifting
There's nothing here but distance
There's no one here to listen

Perfect vision
It's hard to trust in my position
I can't forget what's been forgiven

'Cause I just need an escape
I pray I find my way
Before I suffocate

And I've been lost for some time
Ooh, and I just can't get out my mind
Oh, I feel like I've been trapped inside

I know I'll never make it home
Ooh, my demons won't leave me alone
But I have to live this life I chose

Disconnected
And no one ever gets the message
It's hard to see from my perspective
Emotionally imperceptive
'Cause in the end these drugs are all I'm left with
The end is something I've accepted
'Cause I just need an escape
I pray I find my way
Before I suffocate, ooh

And I've been lost for some time
And I just can't get out my mind
Oh, I feel like I've been trapped inside

I know I'll never make it home
Oh, my demons won't leave me alone
But I have to live this life I chose

Chose

Won't, they won't
They won't leave me alone
Alone, alone, alone
No, no
Leave me alone
No one here
Drifting
There's nothing here but distance

How can I not be afraid
There's nothing left to say
And today just looks so gray
An ugly scar, a heart betrayed

He calls me an angel
Something like a gift from God
And he takes my hand,
Reverently
To tell me he believes in fate
To tell me that he loves me
Though I've been nothing but a sinner
All my lonely life

And he calls me his savior
For what I've seen him through
But I never have been able
To see God as saviors do

I've wondered, yes, I've prayed
To what, I do not know
I gave up questions of my purpose
Oh, so long ago

But in his eyes I see belief
In his eyes, I see redemption
For all the things I've done
For what I cannot mention
And I'll do my best to be
Myself, the best version

But I will not say
If I'll ever know with certainty
The value of my life
In doubt, until my death

I surely don't regret
The person I've become
The many wrongs I've done
That led me here to him
Still a soul mired in sin

He opens the door
And I begin to believe
There's more I'm here for

I'm a broken record
My song is all ****** up
The chorus and the lines dismembered
The notes and keys all untethered

What a mess.

Words and sounds shred to ribbons
I don't search for meaning anymore
My best work's been fed to demons
Weak and rotten to the core

How pathetic.

It's been getting worse and worse
Death of self, a matter of course

Back when I was overplayed and overbooked
A striking board for your matches
You never saw all the bleeding scratches
No, you never even looked

The rain pouring down on me now
Feels like a new life
Seen through new eyes
And I just realized
I don't want to **** it up

I had forgotten what it was like
To be angry at complacency
I'd given up completely
Nothing mattered
Least of all the future
And as my death hovered,
Close enough to touch,
I was saying goodbye
A little more each day

But something changed
And today my mind is clear
I think I can believe
That I'll go on
And, although I'm afraid,
Of the darkness I've known so intimately,
I must continue
See this through

So I'll start all over
All over again
I'll move forward,
Grow stronger than I was
Though I don't understand,
Can't say I ever did,
I'm gonna believe
Take this chance
Stop looking back
And fight to be
For once in my life
Free.

I wish I could see the sky today
But there’s only endless fog
Filling me with silence
Choking me
All that’s left
A straining heart grinding down to nothing
Gasping in the dark

Now that I’m broken
Set me free

I can’t just expect it
The sun on my face
When I’ve let so many sunny days
Come, and go to waste
Rigid, fragile, and holding back
My tongue has been burned of the taste

It’s been so long so I don’t believe
I don’t believe anymore
Change, hope, love, and warmth
Just words without meaning
Like life without light

When I close my eyes, sometimes I see
Solitary seconds of a forgotten maybe
Fractured pieces of what could be
Lonely fragments framed by fear
But those pieces twist and burn
And my mind begins to stray
And then soon enough
I have to numb it all away

This horrible desire I can’t define
Feels like a stranger but I know it’s all mine

And all the things that I’ve done
And all the things I could do
Set me on fire in my silence
At least the pain is true

I hang in this suspension
Of liquid memory
Self-imposed stasis to keep
Change from corrupting me

Limbo - a kind of pergatory
Where I may be found
Endlessly searching for time
That I cannot get back

I couldn't be there today
I hope you know I'm sorry for that
I tried waking up
But I always turn back

Stood next to the river
As the sky grew black
Felt icy water in my fingers
Wondered if I wanted to turn back

Some kinda numbness
Filled up my empty soul
As all those dark trees and branches
Rattled in the cold

If I turn back now
Yeah, the sun’s gonna rise
But I’ll still be dyin’
My bones freezin’ up inside

There’s a peaceful kind of fear
In knowing you’re alone
No one’s gonna cry for you
When you don’t come home
And all that black water
It’d swallow you whole
And as the fish plucked out your eyes
You’d be still as a ******’ stone

If I turn back now
Yeah, the sun’s gonna rise
But it’s not like
I can turn back time
And I’m already floating
Through this empty life

You say you want me
And I know you think it's true
So why does this fear remain
That I mean nothing to you

Look at the way
Your fingers uncurl
Like a flower in the sun

Look in my eyes
And promise me that
I will not come undone

Sort of still angry
Sort of want to scream
Sorta still thinking 'bout
The things he said to me

One foot out the door
But it's so cold outside
So I stay halfway in with you
Though I'm not satisfied

I know you see it, too
That look on my face
Misery, loneliness
Too scared to walk away

And I'm here in the dark
And time passes by
And I still can't feel a thing
Still afraid to try
Still waiting to die
Still don't know what
I thought I would become
A life meaning nothing
A life without love
A life never growing
A life just like a setting sun

I am there but losing focus
And I cannot concentrate
Body goes numb, the throttle's wide open
All hands clear, defibrillate

Coming home, all I wanted
Was to see your loving face
But once again you're somewhere else
So you know I won't complain

I stay up by myself
And think of all the times
I cried myself sick
Sick of all your lies
Feeling like ****
Drinking just to feel alive
And still you never came
Came to dry my eyes

You got me ****** up
Acting like a weak *** *****
When I'm worth so much more
I'm sick of feeling like this
Sick of being so pathetic
Don't know who you're ******* with

I shouldn't give a ****
About a broke *** *****
Who can't even see the most obvious ****
All I asked
Was that you loved me back
And had my back
Like I had your back, baby
But I can't keep feeling bad
For your whole ****** up life
I think it's about time
That I start to live mine

And when you lose me if you cry
Just know I know how it feels
Cause I been through that ****
Way too many ******* times

So dry your eyes

Too tired to tell you why again
We've beaten this so hard
I'd say it's dead
You say I gotta have it my way
Do I?
My patience for your ******* is wearing thin
'Cause from where I stand
You're the one who can't
Come to terms with it
So much easier
To just pretend
Isn't it?

Feels like I'm talking to a ghost
But there's still blood under your skin
Thought that I was getting close
But you don't want to understand

How long?
How long?
How long?
How long do you think I'll be holding on?

Do you expect forgiveness?
Do you think I'm made of stone?
Do you think my heart's unbroken?
Don't act like I should have known

Feels like I'm talking to a ghost
But there's still blood under your skin
Thought that I was getting close
But you don't want to understand

I look out
From the bottom of my grave
At the darkened sky
And all I see is rain
I have no desire to climb out
I don't care if I escape

I can't see anymore
The world that I saw before
Makes me feel like it's all a dream, but somehow
I still bleed just like it's real life
And I never really wake up from the pain

If you tell me
You're tired of my face
I won't blame you
I'll live inside my shame
I've always been this useless girl
A coward so afraid
To live my empty life
To repeat mistakes I've made
Always frozen in my fears
Or blinded by my rage



When there's nothing left and the cold pours through your viens
From every flower and warm embrace, all the beauty drains



"'Tis down in yonder garden green, love, where we used to walk
The finest flow'r that 'ere was seen
Has withered to a stalk
The stalk has withered dry, my love
So will our hearts decay
So make yourself content, my love
Till God calls you away"

I haven't called you in tears in awhile
You say I'm doing so well
You say you're so proud of me with a smile
Now there's no more worrying
No more waiting on me
Because everything's ok now, right?

No, and I know it's not
And I know it won't be

The truth is that every step I take toward strength and stability
Pushes me farther from everything that feels like home
And now here I am making everyone so happy
But inside I just feel ******* alone

I know my worth and it's not a lot
I tried my best but it just don't stop
I fall apart again and this time

I'm not gonna say goodbye
You're not gonna hear me cry
I've been on the fence I'm sorry
But now it's time to do what's right
And maybe if I'm being honest
I was never in the fight
You don't wanna throw the towel
But I'm not coming back this time

Not this time

I was never concerned
With how close I was to perfection
Until you asked me to change
Again and again
All for your love

And I did, in desperation
Till there was nothing left
Of who I really was
Or what I was made of

I guess nothing in this world comes for free
Oh nothing, nothing
In this world
Comes for free

Fallow fields and dust are bound
By a hollow earthly sound
Our last night has come to call
Away from time we all shall fall

There are things that I have seen
That made me question everything
But in this hour I know too well
The fracture of my mortal shell

A wasted curse lost in the wind
Worry not for those who've sinned
Blazing leaves in setting sun
All my life has come undone

You'll have your time in the sun
But for how long?
You've been watching the clouds
Now it's all said and done

There was never a time
When time would stand still
But you waited for life
Like it wasn't enough
Until the day would come
When time called your bluff

You had your time in the sun
But for how long?
You were watching the clouds
Now it's all said and done

You settled for anything
Just to say you had something
And something left you sorry
But you just waited for more
Your body surely weakend
As your mind surely dulled
And it all was accepted
As a matter of course

Each day in the morning sun
Look away from what you've become
Each day in the morning sun
Look away from what you've become

You had your time in the sun
But you wasted the light
Now it's all said and done

All said and done
All said and done
All said and done..

There's no telling when the time has passed
To turn around and make amends
Though I made time to live a lie
And to pretend
Always knew that soon
The dream would have to end

Now is not the time
Here is not the place
To play at innocence
Ugly flower
****** waste

Through the glass reflected back at me
The person I was supposed to be

The time is past
The flower's withered
With each day
The rot spreads quicker
Who's to blame
As I grow sicker?

Such a shame
Such a shame
Such a shame

So much in life is left unsaid
And yet I've come so close
So many times
To the last letter that my mind
Could ever write
Seemed justified

So many times I've failed the test
And found myself a liar
To forgive the faults and misery
I guess I grew too tired
Of it all

Days fade to a darker shade of gray
I lose control and soon enough
I've got to numb it all away

And in the morning light I wonder why
There's still a reason
Still a small flame
Left burning inside

There was never a clear answer
Or some righteous destiny
Nothing but a small exchange of words
Known to you and me
But no matter how far we fall
I believe in another way
I'm stronger than yesterday

No I'm not broken
Just got a lot on my mind
This promise spoken
Binds me to life
It's never easy

But we're not owed anything