This isn't how it's supposed to be
And I'm sitting here holding my head
Laying in bed
Wishing one minute to eleven that I was dead. (I was dead)
Lost in thought
Out of my mind
There's no bad luck
Their just bad days
When you drop to the ground
And you dig your grave
Six feet
There's no way
That I left this earth
With less to say
A rotted mind
And bloated corpse
It's not that easy

I woke up
It was four a.m.
My room was dark as could be
I felt weight on my arm.

I knew it was you
It was the smell of your hair
And the feeling of your skin

I never thought waking up
next to someone
Could be so great.

When I threw my arm over
I knew something wasn't right
You weren't there anyone
You were never actually there

I miss you.

How is it
How is it that
I remember your smell
Your looks
Your taste
The feel
It was the least bit
Unreal
I loved the way you move your body
The way you moved your lips
The way you moved your tongue
When you talked about this
About the way we'd lay
The things we'd probably say
About how I wouldn't leave
And you would always stay
Your my diamonds
Your my gold
My life
My goal
And I hadn't met you yet
I swear I make it up
The things I think is rough
But your way beyond
My expectancy

my life took a turn around
one for the worst
my biggest nightmare
became my reality
my dreams
were stripped away
so im grabbing a gun
just to say
that I

Isn't it the worst
When you care
More than she does
Or when things don't work out
Or when things just seem wrong
I constantly think of you
But do you do the same?
Do you ever wish what I wish
Or dream what I dream
Do you ever wake up
Run your fingers across the seams
Throwing your blanket around
Looking for me
Because I do

I woke up one day
In a sudden haze
To realize I stepped back into reality
But the fog had not cleared
From my fragile mind
My dream that I had
Is what I want this time
Then I slept 5 days in a row
To lay down in bed
Processing the same dream
Over and over again
It was the most beautiful thing
A bittersweet fantasy
To dream of lying with you
Was enough to keep my sanity

I think about you
I miss you
Eyes miss you
I talk about you
someone told me you're just a phase
but I cant imagine what would be next
and it couldnt be better

It seems like these nights have gotten longer

Colder

Lonelier

But it's times like this I've gotten stronger
I miss you dearly
More then I should
Sometimes these feelings take over
And have me thinking
Will she like me because I'm honest
Or will she hate me because I'm crude

Every time I lay awake
Counting the miles
Counting days
I miss you more
Every single day

I just can't wait to dial
I can't wait to type
I can't wait to see that face  
that smile
and those eyes

I've dreamt about you.
Before I've met you.
It's so strange to me.
The minute we met though
I knew it had purpose
And the minute I saw you smile
I heard your laugh
And I saw the way your eyes sparkled
I knew that you weren't the girl
The girl in my dreams
She wasn't real
She wasn't who I sought you to be
Because you are so much more
So much more to me
But why?

It's close to four
I'm riding shotgun
Thinking of all the things I've said
And all the things i could have done
Miles and miles
I've dreamt nights of things
Maybe the feel of your skin
On the tips of my fingers
The threads of hair
In-between
Your smile
Your eyes
The dreams of the gap
Between your thighs
It's not the prize
That lays inside
It's the thought of being close
So close
To you my dear
Those eyes
Your lips
Take me away
To that place
The bliss of your kiss
The blush on your face
Miles away
You make my heart race

You were never in my head
but you were everything
the thoughts that perish through my thickened skull
and my broken soul
you left an imprint
that was stuck in my mind
a waste of time
i thought the words that i said
made more sense in my head
and until that day comes
all shall always dread
the day to come
ill burn in hell
for the thoughts that i've had and the things that i've said
ill burn in hell

---------------------------------------

But I said
id never count the seconds or minutes
my time will come but i can only wait
but cant admit it
that when it comes
ill lay myself down to sleep
I pray the lord my soul to seek
my only choice now is
the gates of heaven or hell

Sometimes I wish I could sit and just be still
I rush into things
That I know that never will
Life has always been filled of pain
And for ages it stings
I feel I'll never be enough for someone
And that ill never amount to nothing

Ive known you for such a short time
not for years
but one at that
the day I met you
I looked at you for less than a second
before I formed this insane impression
you're another one of those.....
but I was wrong
you're sweet
you're funny
you're genuine
you're beautiful
you're charming
i've been as close as I could get to you
physically and mentally
the day I got to just lay with you
was a day to remember
it took away all my pain
and focused it into something so much better
I can rant about how you're my dream girl
but your not
your real..

If you would stay by my side

I met you once
Once,  one night
You changed thoughts inside my head
And I wished that night we could have
Layed in the bed
And talked a lot
Talked a lot
Of things we wished we would have said
You took away all the bad thoughts
Regardless what happens from now
Till then
Just know you were a present
not a mistake
Everything I said were all the things I
Meant

Upon a shooting star
I saw in the corner of my eyes
I wished on it
It wasnt too far
At least from my eyes so I figured the cause
I won't have to wait
My wish will come soon true
And it's been a month
And what can I say
I've finally began to wake up
And say
"I'm happy!"

I knew it meant something.
When I met you
I felt it
We can talk and talk
And I can gaze away
Into those eyes
Or your silly smile
I love to hear your voice
It's soothing
How I hope one day
We can stay undressed
And lay
For hours, for days
We can point out every imperfection
While I point out your perfection
But I live a life unknown

Lack of effort
Lack of breath
Lack of life
Lack of death
Lack of hope
Lack of faith
lack of words
Lack of space

I was 12 years old
and I lost my home
my house was still there
but It didnt feel right
so I searched for my home
everywhere I could
whether it was at the bottom of a bottle
or the end of the filter
I hadnt slept for days
and eaten for more
because I knew those things
would just get in the way
so I stayed up past night and into the morning
looking for my home
but my home is gone
my home is gone
my home is gone
I just wish i knew where it is, so I could get some sleep

I was 14
I lost my friends
I lost my hope
I lost my dreams
I lost my GOD
I left a town
I met some kids
I thought were my friends
I swallowed life
Mixed with every toxic chemical
I saw the light
But I'm now 20 and completely miserable
But one mistake I never made
I swallowed life instead of death
On that cold cold summer day.

Long Beautiful hair
locks and locks and locks
I cant help but stare
eyes of the fall
I want to prevail through it all
and win you over as quickly
as I wrote this poem
I just hope one day
I can not have the stress
to know we can both just go home
and not be alone

Our first words were hey
I greeted with my hand
In response I got a smile
That soft smile I didn't forget
From then to now
Looking at your eyes
And the laughter that we shared
I know I know it was the first time we met
But honestly who cares
And of course I went home that night
smiled at my ceiling
And stared out at the sky
Wondering if she thought
I'm going to like this guy
I mean we shared a glass of wine
Our last words haven't been said yet

As l lay down
It's like the world stopped spinning
The stars stayed in place
We rolled around
We laughed
We smiled
We yelled
I got more comfortable
I miss your smell
I miss your face
I miss your touch
I held you close
So close
So close
I pricked myself
My little rose

I'm only scared because I've lost you
Not you or you
But you
You're the glisten in my eye
The air to my breath
The touch to my skin
And the smell to my taste
The thought of you is great
But from now until then I couldn't say
I miss you more than anything
And that's what's wrong with me

Something to look forward to.
Someone to see my happiness glisten in her eyes. Someone to hold.
Someone to carry.
Someone to lift their life when their head is heavy. Someone to mend my wounds
and someone to set me free from my demons
and back towards the truth.
She was someone I sought to have
and someone I sought to love.
But now I lay in a bathtub
Drowning in my self inflicted blood.

at this point in my life I still haven't figured out my purpose yet. Some of my friends act like they do, but probably don't. Some of my worst flaws is my obsession with escaping reality which usually causes problems, but who can blame me? Nobody will ever understand how difficult it is to live the way I do, everything I try I eventually hate. I haven't been proud of myself since late 2014 for taking a step towards my pursuit of happiness which got me out of the rut I'd call depression and suicidal tendencies. It's been two years without a suicidal thought and honestly life is great, however The difficulty of living for me is truly my anxiety and probably undiagnosed behavioral issues I probably should seek guidance on but, who knows. My anxiety isn't a crutch for me to build excuses for my actions, it's far worse. My anxiety causes me to feel tense constantly and causes my constant paranoia, it makes me skip meals, and eventually ruins just about everything for me. It causes me to constantly complain and it causes me to never truly rest. My anxiety is the devil on my shoulder and I just can't get him to leave. It truly digs the deepest when I am confronted about the issues it causes for me because I too want to change those things about me that it brings out but I can't, and that's what scares me. I can't figure out how to fix these flaws. Most recommend medication and prescriptions for it but prescription dependency is too much of a dark road for me (not that I've ever had an addiction problem). Some people think anxiety is an excuse but it's not. It's the reason I haven't had fingernails since I discovered biting them off helped me not shake. It's the reason why the inside of my cheeks have abrasions since i constantly chew on it when I get nervous. It's the reason why I can't figure out what my purpose is, Because that devil tells me everyday, give up.

This devil
Ball and chain
A key made of addiction
that only works temporarily
I want him to go away
But I'm scared of him
And what he would say
His hands clenched tight around my neck
But left no mark
His tail drew a trail
To lure me in the dark
I wish he'd tell me everything is alright
But he won't
Because if he did
he'd eventually just tell me he's lying.
I want this devil to leave
I want this devil to let me be
I want this devil to give me my thoughts
I want this devil to stop




*Disclaimer: this isn't a cry for help, this isn't woe is me. These are my thoughts.

It does not bother me
if its months to years
that I have to wait
I havent felt this way in a long time
not even about my first love
who crushed my heart
and its been 2&1/2 years to finally open up
and feel great once again.
you make me smile like no other
I cant wait for the months to come
so we can discover
that love can mend
and can treat me right
and that i know the future is bright

Just a young boy

A free spirit

A lost voice

I find hope in a lot of places
I try to call home
But still find it hard to stay calm
It's so strange that my loneliest night
I had felt so warm

I miss every single word you'd say
I wish I could have stuck around for just one last day
The glimmer and your eyes
And there is nothing like your smile

I swear I lost my thoughts
Every time you spoke with me
I don't mean to seem so struck
But my hearts bigger than my head
Sometimes I think I fall for someone blindly

I feel like somehow some way
You'd Teach me how to move past my problems
3 years
3 years
It's taken for me
To open my eyes
And begin to see
What happened then
Was meant to be

So please for the love of god

Take my hand

And i will handle you with care
Hold you lightly And make sure
To let you know that no matter what
Dear dear dear
Your worth is so much **more

As I sit here
A quarter to three
I sit with friends
And think and think
How I hope to lay with you
And spend my hottest and coldest of nights
Your lips look sweet
Like a child's delight
Your hips feel right
Your hairs so long
Skins so soft
And your eyes
I've gotten lost
Night and night
I can't help but to be short of breath
Because I've run miles in my dreams
To be close to you my dear
My dear
My dear
Your smile and those eyes

What did you expect me to say
The delicacy of this dead flower
Brought more shock to my belief
And I can't believe that it's true
That these petals won't wither
If we make sure it never moves
when this rose is torn from its roots
The life inside
Supplied by light
Can live till we're both through

I try and stare into your eyes,
Darling darling
I see you all the time
Closer closer
I'm further away
And losing my mind
Cold legs from dusk to dawn
Stay intertwined
Soft skin
I kept thinking over and over
Again
If love could be found
Between me and you
I hope so
And I hoped you did too

I sat outside for hours

Waiting for you to come back

But you never came

Laying down
As I lay down
I know that this would happen
Plenty of liquor
Now a bottle of water
I miss you more
Than I used to
I need you more
Than I should though
You're great
You're perfect
You're not
You're real
You're worth it