And suddenly my entire
truth unraveled.
Every memory that
invaded my subconscious
had taken over.
And my life appeared
as a sad novel.
I'm sinking.

Some days I chase these views and I watch the world pause. I get to take it all in for a moment. Some days it heals me, other days it reminds me that I'm simply running from my own reality. That's when I recognize how unhappy I've been.

Because at the end of the day I crave it all. I want laughter, affection, friendship, and love with one person. But when I let my guard down and I try to be myself, I feel like I'm too much and not enough all at the same time.

Stop hesitating,
Only giving up a glimpse of your love.
Stupid fool,
Don't you know I adore you?

I think the truth is,
we are all a little fraction of broken
in one way or another.
And there might be something significantly beautiful
in that unspoken darkness.

"… And we all have faith, and we all have hope,
But we're all a little lost in the same **** boat."

Thank you for running away from reality with me, for a moment.

Every too often,
We never truly know what a person is capable of,
Until we witness it first hand.

I hate that you're my safe place
Because I can't always trust
That you'll be there
When I need you.

I hate that the only arms
That hold me
Without fear or hesitation
Belong to you.

How am I supposed to accept a love
When I hate the person in the mirror.

I am broken
And you won't want that.

I like this version of us,
where we let our guards down.

There is a fine line
between shutting people out
and shutting yourself down.

I share my words
like a coward.

I write of these men,
but I'll never speak their names.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for your time when there wasn't a beer in your right hand.

You bring out the best in me. I find myself challenging all my own fears, head on. I admire your independence, it's contagious. You've shown me to be proud of the person I am. And to never stop working on the person I want to be.

Unable to trust that you won't be cruel to my heart.
Waking to the thought you'll pass from sight once more.

"Do I have to," he inquired.
My answer is simple.
No.
I will never force anyone to feel required to be apart of my life.
I want someone who craves my company as I crave theirs.
I want effort.
I want to be wanted.

Never take forgranted the days you feel proud of yourself.
Soak it in, you've earned it.
You've worked your absolute *** off and you deserve to smile at the thought that this moment, couldn't get any better.

Because other days are harder.
Because other days you compare yourself to everything around you.
The hard days can bring us down.
Sure.
But don't forget how far you've come.
Don't forget what got you there.
Effort. Patience.

Indecisive ; Contradicting

I'd rather not know.
I'd rather shut you out.

Not because I dont care,
but because the thought of you living your best life, happy, is enough.

Enough to spare myself the heartache of watching you walk away one more time.

It's a sad game we play.
You,
        Showing up unexpectedly,
Over,
         And over again.
Me,
       Adjusting to your unreliability.
Cherishing
        The sequence of your visits.
Settling,
         Because a life with portions of
         your love...
...
   Is more bearable than your absence altogether.

Am I your weakness, the one you tell yourself you don't deserve.
Or am I just your fix.

I don't know how to let you back in.
Nothing I want more than to surrender to the thought of happiness in your arms.
But you dont know how to stay.
Time and time again, you've proven what I didn't want to accept.
No more open doors.

Do you ever wish the best for the ones that have done you wrong? Despite all the hurt they put you through, you want nothing more than for them to find the happiness they deserve. Even if it doesn't involve you.

That "once in a lifetime" connection goes unmatched.

You don't want to hear how he put a gun up against my head because there are no magic words to take away a memory that demeaning.
Or how he blacked out and didn't remember screaming at me for putting my pants back on.
How defending myself got me trapped between two walls with no way out.
No,  you don't want to picture his hand around my neck and the fear that filled my eyes.
You're right. Let's not bring it up, I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

There's an optical illusion in the theory of closure.
The mental torment and suffering may recede, but souvenirs imprint their terrain.
Awaiting recollection is inevitable.

His eyes are empty.
Have you ever seen a soulless stare?
It leaves you feeling cold inside.

As if he is feeding off your light,
Until you are left alone in the dark.

"...all you need in life is a roof over your head, milk in the fridge, and someone to love."

I want to be a light in your life. A simple reminder to smile on your bad days. But I am so **** broken. And you deserve much more than that. My problems aren't your burdens. And I never want to weigh you down.

She was just the girl with the loudest laugh in the room. Go ahead and help her escape, that was her weakness.
When it comes to small talk, she hasn't much to say. Simple and sweet, she'll mind her manners.
Hard working and benevolent, she just wanted to make a difference.
She was just the girl with a kindly head on her shoulders.

We never spoke the words aloud,
But his eyes said it all.

I try to remain open minded because there are perspectives I have not seen and knowledge I have not cultivated. I hope after someone hurt me, that those were not their intentions. Some things are truly worth the wait, so I hold onto my patience.
But I am only one person. And I can only give all of this for so long with nothing in return.

We self sabotage the situation when it seems too good to be true because that's easier than being pensive and trusting the other person.

Words make us vulnerable,
because nothing exists until it is said outloud.

You had healed.
The memory had faded,
And the hurt had finally let you go.

But today you woke to the thought of his voice. His degrading tone is almost as haunting as the lingering grip he left around your neck.

You have to truly forgive what happened, but not for him.
He sleeps just fine at night,
And so should you.

There are ghosts in these walls.
Secrets no one knows to look for.

I'm a hypocrite in transparency.
Veracities remain submerged.
Consequences don't exist.

There's a fine line between wanting to let your guard down to trust the process versus the fear of being vulnerable and mentally preparing for the heart break.

I crave an old school love. The kind where reciprocated effort is displayed effortlessly. A mutual respect that doesn't need questioning. Trust in the fact that no matter what life disrupts, compassion will not be one of them. The days can get complicated, but an authentic love has the potential of pure ease.
I have no desire to settle or entertain the idea of a temporary fix for affection. I am too busy falling inlove with the girl I am becoming, the best version of myself. Independence is one hell of a drug. And I am happy with the "right now."

Eunoia is my desired state of being.

I don't just want to make plans,
I want to make them happen.

You speak of beautiful possibilities,
but that's where they end.

And just like that,
     you came back.

As much as I wanted this,
  what if you leave again?

I miss when you
   missed me
             when you weren't a few bottles
            
                                                             deep.

Because when a man disrespects your body,
it never looks the same standing infront of a mirror.

He wasn't my type.
       And I was far from his.
We lacked chemistry.
       There was no "spark."
Passion was unheard of.
        But atleast we were honest.
With only two motives in common,
        both lonely and bored,
atleast we had eachother.

Lynyrd Skynyrd mentioned a little something about keeping it simple,
let's try that again.