“It’s you and me, Kid.”

{internal monologue}

Everything is that deep for me
I have oceans inside
swells in my chest
the tides have been beating
I can't keep waves in my hand
but I have handfuls of what I can keep

Why does everything feel like it's going to pull me under?

i lose my placement on the feeling as soon as it leaves

i tripped over my own words and choked on them
misspoke my truth
left out so many important details

everyone around has it somewhat figured
because they had roots.

i grew up severely unaware; didn't know the names of places, only the abstract feeling.
the feelings i can't quite place now

everyone growing up seemed to be grounded
i played into it; welcomed jokes at my expense
i knew more than i was letting on
but i wanted to blend in.
(it worked)

The cans in my room clang like church bells on a Sunday
waking me from a slumber as I roll in my blankets
the wind sweeps my cheek
my minds still asleep
but my eyes flutter anyway

I can taste last nights regrets on my tongue
stale
dry
like I spilled so many words
my mouth has nothing left to taste

Beer still rolls in my belly
holds me like an apology
as I reach for more water
I want to reach for something more

I feel like I'm losing everyone
Or maybe I never really had anyone

And how does one ask for help? Or plead and not feel
Pity, shame? And does one ever grunt and say what one needs to say?
At some point in the yarn of the time, how does one
Look over one’s shoulder to reconcile,
How does one open a mouth to say
“I am lost. I think” But does one truly think,
Or act on the impulses.
Or calm oneself to ask. Ask!


And “When should I think?” I ask
“soon,” I say, “soon, on some wintery night,
When my windowpanes creak in the cold,
When my steel glass never gets warm,
I might think or ask, how does one not think?
and find a reason to reason with it;
The weary long journey, how it doesn’t end
And seems to start at every corner of the road”
“Perhaps, I shall shave my head
and wash my face with some fragrant soap
or trim my beard to look sharp and address it,
perhaps, soon!”