By now, I've got a swimsuit printed on my body
So you can see I'm not being too naughty
Or  even maybe going to a fake tanning booth
I don't have the patience for that, that's the truth

Bad knees and back lead me to the pool
Even though it bores me, like sitting on a stool
In a bar where I'm really not feeling it,
Even though there's nothing wrong with the place where I sit
It's just the company, I look around, they're not my type
And yeah, I love to drink but I want to call it a night

I bought a book about different strokes
And the pictures and diagrams, showed all different folks

The time passed by a little less fierce
And when I got out, people looked at me like I was all kool and pierced
A lady told me I swim well, did I learn in school?
And it's weird I just read a book, and jumped in the pool

Right now, you know your truth
You may be separating from yourself, one half on the roof
the other half with the fool you're trying to impress
Is he really different from the rest?

Oh, I've been all through it
Those beautiful beginnings, just be receptive, don't stir it
Make like he's the best,
Like his conversations are never less
important than what you're thinking of
Bury yourself in it, let it carry you off

You can live like that for years, even your whole life
You can hide all the conflict, all your inner strife
You can submerge yourself so deep
It would take a detective to find it, and then it would be asleep

But you know what you know
That will always be there
And if there's some kind of friction with reality
You have to care
You have to listen and honor this for yourself
Otherwise, you'll spend your life gathering dust, numb, and hidden on life's back shelf

I was the better half to the whole, he said
To our friends, it's the polite and preppy thing after we wed
And when it came to and end
That slice down the middle was pain
And I limped off, half empty
Waiting to be filled again

Eight years later
some romance, a few letters
A lot of work, remaking my life
Can't tell you there's been no strife
OK, there's been plenty, it's been a struggle
And often, I'm in a muddle
But I noticed something yesterday,
That makes me want to shout out and say:

I am a whole person rising
maybe not complete yet
But I'd put money on it, I'd bet
That I'll finish the job one day
Yesterday
Walking in my old 'hood
Down on the Santa Cruz Boardwalk
On the beach, trudging through sand
Listening to the melody of a day as I can
People having fun,
Their work is done
And I felt fine
I wasn't about to pine
for someone's witheld love
or untimely absence
I felt good, not sitting on a fence
watching a world go by
of whole people, living high
I was one of them I swear
Listening and breathing and really there

We listened to "Modern English"
Remember that band?
And people started dancing in the sand
When they played their hit from 1983
And I remember it, mercy me
I was feeling good, perched on a bench in the crowd
Sipping a foamy Boardwalk beer, eating fried artichokes, the  band was loud
And I felt complete like a total ecosystem
Fully functional, and happy, just one of the crowd and with them.

The name of the mansion in the Hamptons
Forty rooms and a line of expensive cars in a traffic jam
spewing out fumes the same as a line of Hyundais
To raise cash for a potential future King

And all I can think is
before there was "The Creeks" there
were natural creeks
and they must have been pretty
and much more valuable to me
than what takes the space there now

they don't have sweat glands and
mud acts as a sunscreen.

In San Francisco, three types of trash exist now
Recycling, Compost and Landfill
We now notice with our vast wisdom

And I work in the public library and
fill my water bottle with water from
Yosemite's second valley that is
used as a bathtub for this place
I imagine the water I use causing the
water level to drop enough in the resevoire to
cause the bathtub ring to be seen.

And as I take a break I ponder
a carefully and wonderfully explained
exhibit which shows
which parts of this great city will
be submerged by 2050 due to global warming
and it is all very neat and scientific and clean, so clean

And I think pigs roll in filth because
they are animals meeting their needs
and we roll in filth because we only
think ahead to the next hour and never
of the consequences of our desperate actions
that far exceed our needs

My best friend Katy, an Okie
taught me useful life skills
as we walked along
train tracks covered in rocks
behind the Wrigley's factory

In every vent there were clumps
of fresh made spearmint gum
deposited fresh daily
and free, ours for the taking

And as we made our way
down Mission Street
loud, with dust and gravel
wafting up as big trucks drove
by and a row of ****** bars beckoned
to unknown lost souls

We'd arrive at 7-11 for
a slurpee

Cacophony of sounds
As I arise from the tunnel
that manages to smell like wet Earth

People everywhere, walk this way and that
Buildings rise up so people can be
stacked atop one another
Something is available for sale
at every step

A "Farmer's Market" where everything is organic
As diesel fumes spew out from passing vehicles
and the dust and toxic filth of cramped quarters
is flung up by each passing car
where everything has been stepped on sat on spat on
at least once
Hard to believe there is land
underneath the concrete and fossile fuels
and hazardous waste mixed in to it all
That this was once just a field
with soil underneath

And people leave the market with their "organic" food protected
and sealed in clear plastic bags
and despite the hybrid vehicles
the zip cars car pools public transportation cable cars
this place is a filthy mess

At home the people dump the organic salad mix
into a bowl and crunch the plastic bag into another one
under the sink and pour over some salad dressing
on the organic leaves
and settle down to eat with a slight zest of plastic coating everything
They sit underneath a roof that conceals asbestos and cockroaches
and I love the city

The internet is a dangerous place
For the likes of me
Man addicts

My fingers quiver, like on a trigger of a gun
to search or not
anxiety tells me the pain will go away
if I know what you are up to
one more time
find out the latest
and then I'll be satisfied

As my grandfather would tell himself
one more drink and he would stop
and all would be well

All the yous, mind you
Because there have been many
Who I loved as much as
I like my mother
which isn't much
and explains the attraction

Mining my imagination
on a storytelling journey
I could so easily slip
as I become tired
or afraid of this task
or feel unworthy of it
one small click and
I could be gone

I don't need to know anymore about the yous
yes, plural, even though we don't have that in English
There is nothing more to know
Only to replace them with something real

Since I was a girl
I imagine great feats
of daring and cleverness to save
the village, city or world

The City inspires me
Streets of San Francisco sun
Bart rides blurring as I listen
to Swedish techno and imagine
the trailer to my film

Running to, running away
Catching in the act, driving
Getting hurt, getting up
Of course there's computer hacking
which I do with finesse
Something explodes
It's not me
I'm the first to realize what is really going on
and the first to enter the belly of the beast
everything depends on me as I move
quickly and my dialogue is clever
at the most dangerous moments

We end up
In a deserted warehouse with one gun
each and I outwit you and save the day
alone as everyone else shows up
I am an action hero

When it is quiet enough
to hear
wind through Pine trees
and no traffic or sounds
of human destructive civilization
that only owns and exploits
and oppresses and extinguishes
then I know I am
high enough and peaceful

Pine trees are dry
as hot wind slithers through the needles
a soothing sound
far away and out of reach
of those who would take and crush
what is priceless

Anxiety quelled by more medication
and an anxiety class where I learn
it is all about fight, flight, freeze and saber tooth tigers
and every symptom can be explained scientifically and
tabulated and put on a balance sheet where insignificant
experimental mortals like me can put check marks
in little boxes and the totality of my existence
can then be clearly defined and understood by someone
wearing a plastic name card around her neck announcing PhD.

The room has no windows, only a hand written poster
from an AA meeting and stale air and three anxious women
out of the ten people who are supposed to be here.

No one knows, but I am in boot camp inside my head
It is the mindfulness of anxiety
anxious thoughts, thoughts of you are to be
immediately exterminated
Perhaps the hand sanitizer that is available at every corner
in this place will help

Everyone wrote back today
Except for you
Serious answers to silly questions
unimportant information taken to heart
The mundane and the banal, back and forth

How quickly the electronic mail appears
out of thin air when it doesn't matter to me

A response from you would cause my heart to pound
Are you waiting for my second plea?
More charming than the last
Coy and more serious with little clues about the answer I want
An explanation couched as a question
so you know what to say

The afternoon turns to the adrenaline sapping heat
I've no energy for this anymore
Your answer to my question must be given up
I must look into the sky and watch the clouds pass by
and hope the answer floats into my head
It will come to me, and you will not be important anymore.

Like a surge
finger in a light socket
the current dazzles through me again
I pull away breathless and in pain: I miss you

Last week, you were a distant mountain
barely visible through fog and haze
Mixed in with the others, a part of the landscape,
there but blending in, your uniqueness forgotten
Today you are the centerpiece of it all

I forgot how hard this is
I know there's no turning back
The trail that lies ahead is
insurmountable, steep and slippery

My thirst for you dries
and I am a hollow shell
Nothing inside but the air that dessicates

You don't think of me anymore
You are consumed by someone else
I can't stand to watch this
I am not longer special
Must move my attention away, shove it aside
as it is not willing

One foot, then another up the steep
winding hill home
Dust billowing up from the path
Coating my body, making me forget
creating a grand, filthy, distraction

Like a surge
finger in a light socket
the current dazzles through me again
I pull away breathless and in pain: I miss you

Last week, you were a distant mountain
barely visible through fog and haze
Mixed in with the others, a part of the landscape,
there but blending in, your uniqueness forgotten
Today you are the centerpiece of the landscape

I forgot how hard this is
I know there's no turning back
The trail that lies ahead is
insurmountable, steep and slippery

My thirst for you dries
and I am a hollow shell
Nothing inside but the air that dessicates

You don't think of me anymore
You are consumed by someone else
I can't stand to watch this
I am not longer special
Must move my attention away, shove it aside
as it is not willing

One foot, then another up the steep
winding hill home
Dust billowing up from the path
Coating my body, making me forget
creating a grand, filthy, distraction

what you think of me
but I imagine it
isn't much or often

just like I don't know
what my mother thought
of me in my desperate
childhood
but I'm sure it wasn't much
or often

and that's why
I care so much
about what
I don't know

My treasured drink, a bubbly pink
As I wear my most beautifying dress
that clings to my curves
Let the glass tip horizontally
As my perfect smokey eyes
watch the drink be taken
by the force of gravity
and splash on someone's
white **** carpet next to where my
stilettos stab into their floor
and feel a tiny splash of liquid on my
naked summer skin
and watch the pink stain expand and lighten
and be absorbed by some other entity
You are the drink
I must leave your mark
in the carpet
and walk away

Wind whips past my ears
Rain drops in my eyes
Thunder in the distance and
a wave crashes close to the cliff
a thundering sound that frightens
love is a storm

Waves on the bay, too many
So much power
Overwhelming
I am not grounded enough yet
to withstand this and I
turn away, run away

Didn't want to go back to the torchure chamber
Monday morning, I am back
"Keynote Speaker" harranges us to be better
at what we do
We are never enough
No one knows what exactly we're doing wrong
but it must be something or we wouldn't be subjected to this
Everyone sits docilely, hands folded
or immersed in a sudden fascination with a muffin
and not enough coffee

Breakout sessions and I feel a zit form on my upper lip
We are taught like we are imbeciles
And then we learn something we didn't know
that contradicts what we've been doing
and I want to contact you, my boss
the man I'm trying to forget to tell you
there is something wrong here
so I do

I succeed in getting the flu and eating every available sweet
On the third day you write back to tell me my concern is nothing
but we will talk soon and I don't want to talk to you
who I am trying to forget
and my nose begins to bleed
in protest of this confinement and frustration.

The fourth day it is over, and I am home with a flu
and a cat I love more than anything who has cancer
and the "expert" writes back and tells me thank you so much for
noticing her mistake but its all the fault of us who don't
understand what we are doing
but she will make it all right
so it is over and you are silent
You who I was trying to forget who I now can't
get off my mind

I reread your e-mail,
look you up on-line and notice
a new picture of you with your wife
clinging to you like a fungus
I check my own old married pictures
and no, I didn't cling to my man's arm that way
hiding behind him like he is my father-protector
trying to become one being like some experimental
modern dance

And I wish you'd worn your ring when
we met a year ago so your sweet flirtations
would have disgusted me, not confused me
and I don't even like you anymore like I
don't even like my mother but
this is so compelling to yearn for
someone who doesn't care at all.
It is a pain that kills me and an ache I crave
and I don't want anymore

I've been here before
So many times
My brain erases the memories
Can't hold this discordant pain
It happens again
This feeling--must record this
Evidence that proves
Not forget, never forget

I am grieving
Something important to me is being lost
It is sad to me, doesn't matter what it is
The line to my family runs dead
Sympathy should exist here
but never did
An echoing space
A roar of nothingness
The sound of a large empty room
where life should be, but isn't
the  mirage of the safety net of love disappears
Like 2pac's hologram--so real but then absolutely gone
I fall into the abyss, a black hole
pulls me forever deeper into the vacume

Curl up in the corner of nothingness with the pain
Soothe the self with the self
Watch life whip by outside
where I was before this hit
Remember the concern of aquaintances
who mimicked a worried friend
because I was in their way
And like my family
they have now vanished

In 1850, the first white person visited Yosemite
Native people lived there for 5000 years
Lived with the environment, not against it

Sixty years later, we destroyed a pristine valley there
used as a bathtub for water
for thirsty San Francisco

Yosemite: the only national park
with a hydro electric plant in the center of it
I am ashamed
of my people, our priorities, our endless need for destruction

I walked on, years ago
Listening to the roar of the surf
Watching the tide go out and come back in
to greet me
I saw what nature brings
during a storm
debris: driftwood and death

I didn't know you then
And I walked along
the same landscape
the same sands
was a part of the same eternal beat of time
and I was fine and
I will do this again

The farm houses on the cliff's edge
are remodeled into grand and glorious mansions
with bay views and high prices
And the rivulets of water run down the cliff
taking with them tiny pieces of land each winter
And some day the cliff will wash away

I met you, and you meant nothing to me
But somehow I began to care
You became a beautiful painting of love
teasing, tantalizing
But now you are gone
Time passes, second by second, breath to breath
Each piece of time I don't see my painting, the image fades a little
And someday soon it will fade away

I am no longer capable of saving you
As I did
A small black kitten
covered in the tar of the Mediterranean
In the sands of Haifa, Israel
A cast off jewel, crying out for help
A small bag of fur and bones

You are leaving me now
Pondering the inner landscape of your pain
I can only help ease your transition
I can only assist, try to keep the worst of it
from your experience

Helpless for the first time
I watch you fade away
from the inside out
Bright eyes, smooth black fur
and cancer

Missing you, my day begins
like black coffee
bitter and acidic
without the soothing cream of your presence

But I will forget you
as the footsteps I create
on the beach sands are washed away
by the rising tide, forever cleansing what was

I will forget you
I will learn to enjoy the numbness of solitude
At first it is bracing
as the arctic current
washing over my hot feet
on a cloudless summer day

I will forget you
and learn to crave the solitude
as I begin to seek the coolness and clarity
of the freezing water of my aloneness
being mesmerized by gold glittering sands as they wash back to the bay

I know I must forget you
Our spicy little passings
The hope, dancing on the surface with nervous energy
ripples across the water

It must end
A trail that leads nowhere
Off a cliff or into a pile of rocks
It only looks like it will lead you to your destination

The destination, a mirage
you see it, but your hand passes through
Again and again
Excitement leads to dissapointment
an endless circle, rolling across the hot pavement

A black and white X-ray I couldn't afford
clear and perfect, digitally presented with scientific precision
A tumor.  
Inside your small fuzzy belly
Your skeleton is perfect, little street cat
We met over twelve years ago on a beach in Haifa
You were crying out, abandoned, starving
I took you in and loved you
We've been together, long after my bond with that male human ended
I wish he'd care now to hear of your plight
I don't want you to leave me, please don't go
You were with me through all the trauma and fear of divorce
You were flown across the world to me, to hide under a blanket
In your California home, a new citizen, without papers
I couldn't afford that, either
I can't afford to lose you
I love you and I always will, feline companion

A small two months without your presence
I will miss you,  I am an empty vessel
A garden watering can on a hot day
Metal burning--too hot to touch, dryness and dust

I am not a senseless bucket
waiting to be healed
by love and compassion
like a child unable to understand
the absence of mother's love
sitting in the void of a soundless and empty house
If that silence has a name, it is terror

Outside, a sun drenched day cooled by the ocean's breath
Inside the cave of the house, a profound stillness and foreboding
an emotional vacum without the oxygen of concern
dry, forgotten grass blows softly across the yard
Inside, fear and yearning, like the cold concrete hallway
outside the cell on death row
dead child walking

Your ringless finger misled me,
but I can't blame you.
Months ago, wondering, flirtations,
gaps of time, trying to forget,
going back to take the drink of you.
Truth should have pushed me off this horse.

What does love feel like?
Inside, the child is still alone,
waiting for her mother.
Watching for a sign of her,
Bereft as wind howls through her empty heart.
What does love taste like?
If I knew, I wouldn't lie like this,
Watching and waiting like a hungry cat hunting for your glance,
Like an ignored dog, wagging it's tail at the slightest sign of attention.

You know it won't help you
But you do it anyway
When the going gets tough
You try to look the other way
You try to ignore that gnawing feeling
You know if you do it it will send you reeling
Maybe you have your little stash
Or maybe it's a phone call away with a little cash
Or maybe you've put it in a far away place
Hoping against hope that it's there you won't race

And time and again, no matter how much you try
You can sit still, you can't cry
You turn to that thing you use
To take away those terrible blues
You want it so bad, your fingers tremble
And when you get it you feel real nimble
But also a sickening sensation inside
Your dissapointment in yourself, you can't hide

After it's all over you resolve again
I'll never, ever to this again
And really, I hope it's true
But if you're like me, when you come up blue
Time and again, you'll end up using
Even though you know it's you who is losing

You must never give up
You must always try
And one fine day
You'll get it right
You'll sail into some dark abyss
And find, you can handle this

I've been hiking in the hills for two straight days
It's beautiful out, there is no haze
A ten minute drive from my place
And I'm in a different world, like outer space

By outer space I mean outside
And it takes me for a nice ride
There's nothing to me as beautiful as nature
It relaxes me, maybe someday I'll hike a glacier

I've passed by a marsh and heard a bullfrog's song
I've seen a coyote whose tail wasn't long
I've seen wild turkeys in the mist
And back at work, it's this I'll miss
The bluebirds flitting here and there
Red wing blackbirds on a fence without a care
And always the red tailed hawks circling above
It's their wildness that I love


I remember when I lived in New York City
"We Got Park" was the slogan, and Central Park is pretty
But it's tamed and broken, not at all wild
And I wasn't happy, I liked it, but the feeling was mild

Once I rented a horse and rode through the park
And then when we hit a certain mark
I walked the horse right across a baseball field
You're not supposed to do that, I think the horse thought it was weird

Another time I went riding in the rain
I galloped the horse, can't remember his name
We galloped along Madison Avenue
Taxis going the other direction, we had attitude
And then my hand slipped through the wet reins
And I nearly fell off, and there was a little panic, but hey
I grabbed the horse right by the bit
And then, we finally stopped, but I dropped my whip
And some passers by picked it up and offered it to me
But I said no--really that's the last thing I'd need

And now I'm back on the West Coast side
California, it fits my stride
The wild things are much closer here
And these are the things I hold dear

I'd been hiking for four hours
I was *****, sweaty in need of a shower
But I was relaxed, having a good time
Finally some peace, for less than a dime

I saw him coming up the hill
Walking his bike, his son struggling still
"Lets just walk our bikes" I heard him say
And obediently his son did obey

As we passed he gave me that look
Right with his son, I thought I must have mistook
But that's what its was, it's plain to see
Now my imagination runs wild, mercy me

What if we had been alone?
What if I was frisky to the bone?
Would I have beckoned him to the brush?
Just taken him by the hand and said "hush"

And then we'd pull off our sweaty clothes
And reveal to each other what only God knows
That survival instinct, between male and female
Would pull us together, no time to wait

And I know it's what I must do
Miss you until I'm numb to the bone
Don't run to the phone
Last time I tried this, I had to go off the grid
I went to Yosemite, with no bars, I thought I'd get rid
Of any thoughts of you
So what did I do?
I drove to a pay phone
Broke a ten buying a sticker of a bear and quarters to call "home"
You thought I was calling from Arizona
What a rush to talk to you on that phone
Hating myself, feeling crazy at the same time
Like I was piling dust on a mirror and doing a line
It left me trembling and happy and hating
myself for all the trouble I was taking
It took forever, but somehow I pulled through
And today here I am missing another dude

Wish I'd never met you
even though there's things I like
Still what's mostly true is you were trouble at first sight
Or,maybe should I say "bite?"
Because I feel like I've been stung by Cupid's arrow
A mortal wound, keeps opening and bleeding until tomorrow
Until I can get a hold of myself again
Somehow stop, don't go down that bend
For once, choose that other path
for every pleasure there's three times pain, that's the math
I must forget you, I've done this before
With other guys who weren't good for me anymore
If I look at the last one, I could care less
But there was a time, if I was without him, I'd be a hot mess
So I've done it before, even though it's hard to believe
And now is the time: it's you I must leave

As I girl, I thought heartbreak was only reserved for love
What does a child know? Only that desperate need for warmth and reassurance
Earning my way in the world, I work, passion leading my way
I learn how work, that holistic toil, with full body and mind
will make you dependent, on the trust, the goodwill of others
those others with power, who supervise your toil, looking down at you, arms crossed, in judgement
You ask your silent soul: am I building something for myself?

Or, am I digging a large hole, piling dirt up on one side
Sweating, my palms earning blisters, that form pop and bleed and form again,
and then am I to fill the hole back up again?
with the same dirt? leading nowhere, a futile mobius strip?
A hamster running at amazing speed on a wheel? Around and around.

Attachment comes to the outcome
What they told you--the bosses, the people with power
How this would help you with your work
How this would improve your world, your hours, your seconds

And when success comes, despite the popped blisters
and the ache in the back, and the dirt lodged underneath your nails,
dirt and sweat rubbed into your very being
When that promise is taken away by those same bosses
who only see you as a number, not a human being
A unit who works, like an electric drill
doing a job here, and easily moved to bore the next hole
when this happens, there is no other choice
but to let go

Let the Gods take your life somewhere else
Be lifted up by the wind of change and enjoy the dizzy ride
You have lost control, so lose it again, give yourself up to the world
And you will land in a new direction, with only the pain of disorientation
Eyes wide, ears alert, only the struggle into the frightening unknown,
A clean break with the past, made by your decision as you regain control and choose
to let go

A tornado of busyness, preparing to go away
You were a ghost today

I predicted this
Then why is it you I still miss?
Ensconced in your job, you're already gone
Wanting you, but I must move on

Hoping for a connection
Just a little wisp of affection

So many times I've felt your glance
A strange little dance
Tapped out in hallways
Spun around on outside paths

I listened to your inner desire
You told us what you admire
On your silly birthday
Grown folks shouldn't be this way

I gave you your wish
And you felt moved
And finally came that truth
That I can make you warm, sweet and not aloof

You gave me a hug
An earth shattering little shrug
You pulled me so tightly to your chest
that away went my breath
You left me trembling, confused, surprised
And I know I'm trying so hard, but I'm still not wise

Things are different now
I see your vulnerability somehow
An uncertain little boy smile
Oh, that we could spend awhile
I want more, that's all I know
I dream of it, it's beautiful like fresh snow

I know I shouldn't care for you
I'm not supposed to, but I do

Here we go again
Back to work and can I make the trouble end?
Now I finally get it
Or at least better, it seems
That my emotions, they come from me

It's not so much what the world gives
It's how you handle it
What you tell yourself inside
All the positive attention in the world
Won't override that inner voice
So inside yourself you must work
You don't have a choice

It really is in my control
It must take patience to be a shrink
She's told me this more than a few times I think

But I never got it, never could see
that it really is all up to me
I thought it always depended on someone else
they could love me, or put me on a shelf

"You felt good about yourself, that's what is is"
Could it be so simple? Yes it is
"You can do this on your own, you don't need him"
At this next line, my thinking got dim

All my life, you see
I knew I could only depend on me
to survive, at the least
but my emotions? Out of my control, so say the least

"I can't do that," I protest to her
"Yes you can," she doesn't concur
I'm thinking it's like when a teacher challenges you
to things you don't think you can do

You are floored and protest and squirm
But she just eyes you and turns
back to the task at hand
OK, let's go, face up you will land

For the past few days I've tried
To create the glow in my life
I've had a little success
I'm used to being put to the test

So this challenge, I will take
In my life, what a difference it would make
To finally be emotionally independent
That is the dream, and it is splendid

Although I'm sure he was popular with the girls
He descended from the "people of the book"
So likely he sported the Semitic look

You may have heard differently on on Fox News
But I'm sure that this is the truth
And here's another interesting fact
Martin Luther King Jr. was definitely black

I found him on a beach in Haifa
next to a road, covered in tar
Left there to die,
by someone who didn't care
he has brought so much joy, this life with him I share

Every once in awhile in therapy
there comes an epiphany
Last night came one that blew my mind
And really, it's about time

Suddenly I could finally see
Something she's been telling me
I don't believe I can actually do it
Over and over I've tried, but can't get through it

The feeling I had the day he said "thank you"
that inner glow, it came from me, not from an outside "you"
She said I can learn to create it
from just me, not go through a relationship grater

I said, no, I'm way too flawed
I felt good about myself that moment and I'm still in awe
Of how good it felt, what a natural high
But now the feeling is gone, I've made peace with goodbye

But no she said, playing the role of my advocate
and it is a part for which she is quite fit
You felt good about yourself and you can do it again
all by yourself, without a faux friend

All these guys have done nothing for me
When I felt good about them, it was only me
creating that inner glow
it wasn't something about which they know

It really all depends on me
On learning how to appreciate my inner sea
and my outer self, and all the rest
And its not just about being put to a test

It's about silencing that critical inner voice
I developed when I was a child, and had no choice
But to blame myself for my parents flaws
And it's a habit I live with till this day, the card I continue to draw

What a concept
What a sense of power
To think my feeling good can be all up to me
to think I don't have to depend on someone else
for a sense of worth and everything else

I don't think I can do it
But my medicine woman does
So, I will try to take that leap of faith
So, fly, I tell my inner dove

There have been many of you
Won't give me the attention I crave
Never have, never will
That's why I picked you
A moving target
a mirage
You keep me hungry
Today will be no different
Or tomorrow or next year
My child's mind tells me to pursue
Of this, I must let go
turn away, on to something new

Creates the economy
Also there comes a heirarchy
It's also something I care very little about
The obsession with it makes me want to scream and shout

Covered in a coat of silver and black
Trills at me now that I'm back
I run a brush through his thick, glorious coat
So glad I saved him, of this I take note

A tender thing
A rare flower, delicate petals quivering in the wind
An unmarked valley in a vast wild plain
Clear teal water filled with bright fish with little fins

I wanted your love so desperately
as children do, thought there was something wrong with me
A child's mind can't handle the thought
that there's something wrong with the parent, so she thinks "not!"
"It really is all up to me,
I'll change and then I'll see
her turn to me and glow with love
and I will feel as beautiful as a dove."
And then everything with be all right
I will no longer hate myself and cry at night
But your love was unobtainable no matter how hard I tried
it was a moving target, I could never get it right

And then I grew beyond the need for mother love
I looked for a man who could make me feel like that dove
But the only ones I can see are the ones like you
The ones who have better things to do
than take a break and pay attention to me
I really must stop this, I must break free

The more you do
The less trouble will follow you
And if you should get off track
Return to the breath
It will bring you back

Time and time again
You will repeat this and then
It will get easier and one day
"I do this without thinking," is what you will say

You rolled your eyes
waited for us to be duly impressed
Pretended to be beside yourself
I wanted to slap you, but held back for my own health

We all smiled and compliments went around
And fishing for compliments, those you found
And everyone noticed you're looking nice and thin
But with me, you can't win

As you dump your work on me
It's clear you'd rather be somewhere else
Than at your job, giving help
that you're supposed to do
But gotta make it to the gym real fast, don't you?

I should have said, Oh, my God!
You can't let him get away with that fraud
Imagine him, knowing you a month
I'm sure he's played this trick more than once
He's probably with another girl right now
Dump him now, don't be proud

But instead I just sit there burning inside
When you say "I'm so fat" I should say yes you are
Look at your thighs!
You're really letting yourself go
And I didn't want to say anything, but now you know
You should really watch it,
The older you get the more fat won't quit
So worry, girl, and dump that guy
That's what I wanted to say, but instead, I lied.

The parent loves the child
and the child learns to love itself

But what if your parent basically put you on a shelf
What if they had you to prove they were a true couple?
And were then horrified at the child, and all the trouble

Then the child learns she is a problem, she is not good
And grows into an adult with the same idea, which is not good
She never learns to stoke the fires within
That she is worthy, as good as anyone, not full of sin

So she looks to others, especially for love just like she found it
from people who didn't love her, didn't like her as she was
She has to chose men who care only a little
and tantalize and tease with their daliances in her direction
while she forever yearns for their affection
So she can feel good inside

That most desperate bond she first formed with the parent
Can be a life sentence to terror and torment
Unless she can learn to fill the empty space inside
With love that should have been there, from the start
She doesn't know how, so she struggles
How to do it?  How not to be dependent on others?

Today can't depend on you
on what you decide to do or not do
I have to learn to get that warmth from the inside
Or else I'll live forever in fright
And be happy or suffer and write about it at night

Today can't depend on the outside
There has to be something about me
that is solid, can't be denied
So no matter what blow the world may deal me today
I know that I am a good person, that I'm OK