Yesterday I was your shining star
Today to you I'm nothing
Yesterday you smiled at me ear to ear
I felt so honored, to have you near
I was overcome by that seratonin fix
Today I went around in a deficit

I called another one of you last night
He's the one I used to live for
And honestly, I just can't get my fix from him anymore

Tomorrow maybe you'll look upon me kindly
Or not, whatever suits you nicely
It's clear it doesn't matter much to you
What exactly that I do

I ignore you
You are upset
Snap at me
so I butter you up
Chocolate
"You don't have to do that," you say
mouth watering
I turn to get your treat
Rush down the hall
Feel your eyes
All over me
In all my curvy places
The touch so real

You are my drug
"All beginnings are beautiful"
The French say
So sweet at the start
I discover, you have someone
Should stop me, it doesn't
Took a long time
Then your words became cruel
My drug can't be mean
I drop down from the high
Into the place I don't want to be
Just me, no fantasy

Fear and anxiety
A prickly pain in my skin
As it bursts to the surface
So intense and miserable
A yearning for you
Imagine your happy home
Everything in place
Wife, children, house
Me, alone
Can't earn your attention
Can't wait to see you again
I'm told
this is pathology
Why does it feel so real?

Mother and Father
a perfect unit
until I invaded, destroyed it
They stick together
talk about me in the third person
shut me out
always on the outside
Please include me in your family
No, you don't belong
Stay in your cold, lonely room
You are an invader here
Be happy to be tolerated for a time
This was reality

An early twentieth century kind of thing
But sometimes my hope feels like
a battery hen, factory farmed
Nearly featherless, since molting makes
her produce more eggs
Crowded so she cannot move
De-beaked so she cannot defend herself
A slow death for about three
years until she is gassed
in a small container
A product, not an animal
a unit, not a senseate being
Hope is a thing with feathers
But when all the feathers are gone
only the hope of rescue remains

All it took
That warm serotonin glow
flooded me, my brain
After all the pain
feeling unappreciated, after I gave blood
with my hours and toil that lead nowhere
wondering how to survive these hours
a conversation continued next to me
I didn't hear it

"He said thank you," I said
I wanted to feel that again
And I did, the ecstasy of it
Of approval
Don't you know how I live for this?
I yearn for it
Pathetically, a little girl abandoned
I don't know what was said, next to me

Shouldn't need this
to live off another's words
like they give me permission
to take another breath
to fill the space and
stay alive

Phone rang
Dug around to find it
in my messy backpack

That number

How it used to send a
thrill through me
How it used to prove
my worth
Who was that person?

He called last night
left a message
too tired, I didn't even listen

What is it now?
I wonder
Don't want to go there
again

You see me, but won't look at me
Hurry past, important things to do
Return, spend a long time
doing nothing but being very busy about it
beating a circle around me
with your feet

I see the pain
Brow furrowed
Adrenalized jerky motions
of a man over-burdened, behind schedule
carrying a heavy load
making a point to ignore me
Let me help you
You are angry, upset
I will listen
I can heal you

Mother
You are so angry
I am young and need you
I know you've been so hurt
I will help you
Please look at me
Don't leave
Don't walk out the door and drive away
many busy activities, eyes to the road
A list of accomplishments
No time for me
At home, still upset, hurts
from long ago haunt you
Eyes look in my direction
but only see a reflection
of your inner world
Let me heal you
So you can love me

Like a dropped call
The line went dead
A bridge washed away
I stand on the broken piece
See you on the other side
No connection

After we talked
Your glance
down my naked leg
like a feather
a cool breeze
I felt it

Kitties running around in here
with their tails up, without a care
a morning celebration
of life, of creation

"She's on the inside track to get this whole thing started," that's what he said to them
And that was awhile ago, can't really remember when
But not so secretly he doubted, and he worried and wrung his hands
He really didn't believe me, when I said, "Yes, I can."

And now I've done did it
It's history and then
Someone high said "now it's started, it will make a nice job for my friend."

So out I went, quickly, faster and better than the eye can see
And so, there was only the one great role there left for me

He hated all the poor and then
He must have even hated Jews
Really that should be in the news
If all I read were right wing tracts
I would accept the above as fact

So full of pain
Why am I in this game?
Moods swing me this way and that
Feel like I'm being thrown to the mat
Over and over again
I get up and then
I ask when
the next hit will strike
and haunt me all night

I gaze at you from far away
How you used to brighten my day
I looked forward to meeting
feeling my heart beating
the warmth of your smile
kept me going for awhile
wondering what the next day would hold
it never, ever got old
now you are still within reach
but I might as well be at the beach
I cannot approach or touch
no one notices, it's not much
but to me it was everything
and now it's gone, like my old wedding ring

They used to be just days and weeks
I skipped through them
Hopped, jumped, dove

Now, time stands still
The day goes by
Slowly, moment stretched to moment
with time in between

With your glance, your words
I slid through my days
breathed through my hours
Now at a standstill
Cannot go on

Hadn't seen you all day
I guess that's normal for May
We used to be connected
But now I've been rejected
And I wonder if you feel it too
This kind of funk, this kind of blue

You walk across the street
and get run over by a truck
It happens to the best of us
Even those with luck

First there comes the adrenaline rush
Then comes the real hit
You're spattered across the pavement
Thinking, this is it

I'm being metaphorical, so I don't mean it's real
It's just what happens when something bad
finally slips, and you reel

There's tears in awkward places
You discover that at work
No one bothered to design a place for crying
So you're feeling like a dork

There's sleepless nights
Trips on your break
to buy some premium Visine

Time goes on and a new plan emerges
from your psychic mist
And even if you still feel down
You know everyone takes a hit

The thing is to keep going on
take on the role of gracious loser
That's really all that's left
Now you can't be a chooser

Gradually, you become attached
to new goals, hopes and dreams
and looking back
maybe it won't be
as bad as it seemed

Ain't no love in my life
I don't wanna hear about it
Can't even think about it

Inside me rocks an ocean
Waves push me this way and that
Can't tell what's wrong
When a dude goes bad on me

Just sit there like a sea anenome
Feel the pain and never move away
Let him push me all the way
Think it's love and it's only pain

I don't want no love
Don't know what it is
Can't see it if it's right in my face
Maybe that's a disgrace
But it's the truth I can't erase

Out of the pain, like jumping from a pool
Senses reawaken
Body optimistic
Feel the crisp strength of being

A plump girl
sees her ride, steps off the curb

Purple cat ears on her head
A string of Purple hair
Butterfly tattoo across her shoulders

Glittering bustier
Poofy short skirt clashing with everything
ripped fishnets
combat boots
huge over stuffed bag weighs her down
It's a concoction, not an outfit

She crosses to a middle aged man
In a non-descript car
Wearing Walmart's finest
They argue

A story begins

A title, from the "Best of the Alternative Press"
After reading
I realize I'm not a woman after all

She can talk about the cruel things
men do to women
**** and ******

Then discuss draperies
in the next breath
how to organize your closet

Female Genital Mutilation in Africa
and her favorite appliance:
a Panini maker
I am supposed to rush into my kitchen
to make sure I have the same brand

"She understands how much women care about their houses"
I look around
I am happy here but
A new cake of soap doesn't send a thrill through my body
A fresh towel doesn't make me ******

I could make a grilled cheese sandwich
The way my ancestors, male and female have done
In a skillet with bread and cheese
If I squish it it, it becomes Panini

I check the mirror
I'm naked, and I see
I am a woman

Frightened, you looked at me
your prize, your student
a good study and agreeable, too
making good progress
Now pushed aside

From across the interstate of your desk
You stared, impotent
A decision from above, no choice
for me
or for you

Your mood slides down the *****
You panic: you must not feel bad
The brain must save itself from hurt
You say things, rationalizations
zoom through your brain and spurt
straight from your mouth
no censorship for my tender feelings

The next day
you are slumped in your power chair
glasses dripping off your nose
eyes stare vaguely at nothing
The pulsing electric screen
forgotten

The next day
your head in your hands
oblivious to your surroundings
Should I check your pulse?
I didn't want to offend

I was wrong
It wasn't cruelty
It was just a scared man
trying to save his own feelings

My cat purrs
Licks salt tears from my eyes
Sandpaper tongue
Soothes

Mother
You taught me
love is a woman across the room
reading, you yearn for her attention
she doesn't want you
be careful, she'll obliterate you with her words
gaze at her and feel the emptiness grow inside

Father
you taught me
love is, a man angry from work
don't bother him, he is stressed and hungry
he is busy with great works
he is to be seen, not spoken to

He
I see you, want your attention
Sometimes you give it, what a rush
Mostly you have your great work
You have other more important things
on your mind
I can never compete
I yearn for you
I am afraid of your rage
the pattern is complete

I miss our conversations
the attention
you who made me tremble
I miss the rushing heart beat
My compulsion
makes no sense
I want you

Hurt
But then you are lighter
quicker
Once the bleeding stops
Patched over, you ache
scars over
Only a memory of pain

I gave the box of books you gave me
I removed the box of books to ease the pain
I trembled as I carried them downstairs
to your office
you were behind a closed door talking to a false blonde
she listened to your words and nodded

What are they?
Words I listened to as you began to guide me
to work I enjoyed
As a shark circled around me, the one before me, taking me in, finding the right time to attack
So hungry.  
I felt her presence the entire time
Did you know?

You gave me the benefit of your past
Set the bar for me, worried over it
and I came through for you.


Walking through the empty halls
An ominous feeling
Something is amiss
I always know
Why do I always have to have the premonition?

The office door closes, I watch you take your seat
behind your power desk
A big space between you and me
like I'm a threat to you, something to fight off
Attack first, so I don't send you flying
What are you thinking?
You words come out, fresh from the corporate factory of talking points
You're not it, she will take it to the next level
You are not enough for us. You are done.

If I am surprised on the hopeful side of my brain
it's because you dissembled, don't you see?
Now you act like I'm an upstart
Claiming what was never mine
Don't I know my place?
I wasn't hired for this
These words
I sit passively
Feeling the poison set in

My mentor, my guide
I want to drop my keys on the floor
run from the room
drive from this place and never come back

I am tied by a paycheck to the chair
How I dream of running from the room
In my mind, I have escaped from your daggers
In reality, I sit obediently on the chair as you
stop talking realizing no one is talking to you
I can't remember how I left the room

I give you a box full of invisible tears today
I return sadness

Later, you are
Slumped in your vast leather chair
Looking tired

Tomorrow I will see you again
rushing around with the other bosses
breaking heads, crushing spirits
My pain forgotten

Light, off-white, airy
Unblemished March in New York City
We arrive at the Citadel of Columbia
Dress and shoes perfect
Everyone is here
Waiting for the show

Too many

I imagined, getting married in a field
In a friend's  back yard
On the beach
More intimacy than performance

This is a production
Nervous like an actress back stage
The ceremony lasts a thousand years
I feel like a hundreds of daggers are stuck in the ***** of my feet

You crush the glass
In the small white bag mass produced for the purpose
We are legal at last
Acknowledged by the State of New York

I look into your eyes and see a blank, empty space

Nothing has changed
Nothing will make you
belong
to me

We went out back
After the meeting
when we knew we had nothing
and had a long way to go and were now
much happier

To the little barn
Stuffed with donations
from magical beings with money
who bought things from stores and used them
and then left them silently
in crackling plastic bags

We had listened and found
all the he's were the same
We were not alone and strange as he had said
Those he's always said that
we had nothing that he had taken and we were not ashamed

Digging deeper into the bins
hoping for treasure

Lingerie with lace
Sparkling silly bling
Shoes for work
I still have the purple lamp
you picked out for me

Your check for tuition
bounced as we shopped
and we thought it was funny

I returned
dripping in soundless blood
Flesh torn open on the side
Gaping wound, organs exposed
aching

Dragging torn flesh
down the street

I was body meat
Human remains of a suicide bomb
lost in translation

No one could see

I sat in your free office
Next to stacks of
colorless government peaches
Donated clothes, a promise of delight

I sat in the invisible blood of others before me
What can I do about this wound?
My silent question

Looking in your eyes
for my life

A flirtatious pout
lips part
fresh vulnerabilities
innocence of a dew dipped flower

A clever remark
An ******* laugh
that leads to the universe

Connection
In your arms
And I am still alone

Into pain
I go
Aloneness
No companion can cure

The knife edge
I balance on
digging deeper
to find relief

Little black dots on the hillside
All fuzzy and free

I come across some, and they look at me
Black eyes questioning, am I a friend or a foe?
So gentle, so simple, never very bold

I know that they will all come to a bitter end
The process has been started and I tend
to notice these things, poor animals, so used
Simply products to us, no one is enthused
about taking better care of them
Most just never think
But watching them now puts me on the brink

They've been branded, ears cut, and even crueler snips
No anesthetic, and when they're gone, they won't be missed

Others will appear in the green grass fields
A never ending supply
Why isn't animal life held dear?

Later at the store, I see them again
Neatly stacked in packages, frozen and then
I know there is no possible way
I cannot be a vegetarian today

On my chest
the small of my back
a place where my husband said
no other man should touch

Other places
more intimate

It shows the animal
that is me

Why do you ask why?

I checked your hand when I first "noticed" you
That's one of the first things I do
When I feel that twinge of something for a man
People aren't always what they seem, so I do what I can
But your finger was bare, naked and pure
So I continued on, following your lure

You called me silly things like "dear" and "hon"
And you're my boss, so maybe that's something your shouldn't have done
But I watched you, wondering, trying to be indirect
I didn't want you to know what I felt, I don't want you to suspect

And you seemed to be enjoying the little ride
No mention of a woman in your life, or a wife
So then I thought you could be gay
I noticed a hole for an ear ring in your ear lobe one day

It was left over from the eighties: it was only on one side
I came home and went straight to my computer that night
I looked up on the internet which side mean straight?
I remember that whole eighties style, it wasn't great

After that, I knew you must not be gay
Sometimes you'd pay me a lot of attention, sometimes you'd stray
Months went by, and I still didn't know
And my feelings, I tried to not let them grow

But all I got from you was mixed messages
Sometimes you'd ignore me, sometimes you'd be aggressive

Until one day at a party, you were all over me
And I was confused, I couldn't see
why all the attention, was it the wine?
I was nervous, it didn't feel like the right time
And someone asked you a banal question about your house
And you went off on a riff and I was bored, wanted to run away like a skittish mouse
You were trying to explain some silly situation
with hot water problems, that to you seemed like the news of the nation
And what were you doing about it? Another woman asked.
Answering this shouldn't be such a task.  

And yet, you looked around agitated
Why is that question so hard?  It seemed simply stated.
But then your sentences were choppy, and I knew something was up
You looked up and down, and into your cup.

And then it came out, that word "we"
Something you had never mentioned before, that held the key
to knowing your marital status as I'd tried to find out with my subtle might
My stomach fell to the floor. It wasn't a good night.

Wedding band on your finger, it's a mighty thick piece
I know cuz I looked when I found I liked what I see
And today, I see you, no one else around
But your attitude has changed,  it's obvious even the sound
of your voice is different, it's charged and a bit gruff
Sensual, urgent, like you didn't get enough
of something and now you've found you need it now
and perhaps it's standing right in front of you, not back at home in town.

"My hairs a mess, I was wearing a hat," you say
That's really strange, you usually don't act this way
Then you're getting all personal, right off the bat
Where I live, who I live with, stuff like that

And you find I've been divorced for eight years
You're so surprised, it's such a long time, and I see your leer
So what you care?  Why you all up in my junk?
Seriously, you are sort of, kind of, some kind of hunk

But that band on your finger, I can't miss that
That can only mean pain, so I'll leave you to your hat

We're working on a job together
Actually, we're building a set
And yes, there's been many other times we've met

You weren't so nice to me, but since this job there's a gentler turn
I see it when you approach me, you show a softer side
And when the others leave, you approach me closer, with a quicker stride

Today I had no doubt, it was easy to read between the lines
You came in quietly, and I'll be honest, you weren't looking fine
As we talked, you seem so fascinated, I felt so watched
This was definitely being taken up a notch

So we arrived at a part of the set and you asked me if I liked the plan
I didn't particularly care for it, but honestly it didn't remind me of a man
You said, it's boxy, sharp corners, a masculine design
"Maybe you'd like it curvy," you say, and I'm looking at your sight line

They say you can tell where someone is looking from a hundred feet away
Well, this was much less feet than that today
I knew exactly where you were looking
I knew what that look meant
And yes, I liked it better curvy
So maybe your advice was heaven sent

Hello gorgeous, haven't I seen you someplace before?
Open with a line like that, you be lucky not to be shown the door.

I look ten to fifteen years younger, maybe I'm blessed
Sometimes, I put myself to the test
Once I had a boyfriend eighteen years younger than me
We lasted a year and a half.  He thought I was thirty.

And sometimes, I see him, a guy who I like
I sidle up slanted, you know, slithery ****, it's what they like

You have a drink, it's a whole different world
Your fear goes out the window, thrown away, out that door

You been here long?
You like to dance?
Doesn't matter who says it, so long as you're in a trance.

Yeah, I like that.  You're really fine.
We are both really having a good time.
You get a little closer
You can smell his alcohol breath
And in that moment, it might as well be ****
Cuz it's a kind of intoxication
In itself, just the chemistry, this temporary cohabitation

If he's young, he might be ready to go
Let's go back to my place
I know no one will know

Sometimes I did that
I never was afraid

But now, I just slither, and drink, and bathe
in the silliness of it all, these instant connections
The shape of his hand, that shy guy smile
The square jaw, with the stubble on the side
Oh yes, men, oh my
The young ones get aggressive, let you feel what they've got
You're not supposed to do that in public, do they care?  Not.

It's all so fun, so just in the "now"
Someday I'll venture out again.

She sends pictures of a very happy self
Her two kids in Miami and of course, herself
She loves Cuban food, the warm weather, the wine
In fact, everything looks quite fine

It's nice to see her happy right now
She lives in rainy Oregon, so why not go South?

She was the Homecoming Queen, it was quite a big deal
For us, just kids in high school I stood on the field

Standing in a band formation, I was holding a piccolo
I watched her be "crowned" and "her life will be perfect," this I know

I was very wise at seventeen
If I could handle what I was presented with, I thought I was keen
I really had no idea what it's like to be alone in life
I got educated, worked hard, even became a wife

But I always expected a rocky road
And I got it--some things did just plain explode
But what of it? That's just me
But my perfect friend, it is different for her, you'll see

So now where is the father of her beautiful kids?
Not there with his family, you can be sure of this
He didn't want to be with her anymore
So, he just left, didn't want to work it out, just said "no more"

And if it could happen to her, is anyone else safe?
I guess the answer is no, and I guess I'm figuring it out pretty late
I had more in common with the homecoming queen than I thought
Now I give her encouragement and kind words, to help her through this lot

So many stories of men on the run
To really think about this, no this isn't fun
I was so naive as a girl
I thought the love of a man was lasting, like a pearl.

It rises up like a wall
A flaming, raging wave
I think of a cliff in Santa Cruz
In a storm, the water hits and sprays

So suddenly, without warning, in my private precious moments
The ones I looked forward to to savor
My feelings, suddenly foment
And here I am in fear, without a reason, without a cure
Something awful is upon me, of this I am sure

Zen tells me, back to the body
And hurriedly I go
Back to the breath, just counting
This isn't fair, say it isn't so

"It's like an anger addict, it just flares up, without notice"
I am told this, so here I will post it
It goes back a long way, to a time when I was two years old
This can be defined by science--do I feel better now? No.

Why me? I wail, feeling sorry for myself
Why must I suffer like this when others walk, a carefree self

Back to the body, count the breathes, and for that moment I return to "here"
Until another anxiety attack sends me into fear

There've been many, from two coasts, two continents
And I'm here to tell you, they are heaven sent

There's a Freud street in every city in Israel
And I am living proof and here to tell
There's a very good reason for this
His descendants are an important part of life
For those of us who missed
Important pieces of the puzzle when we were growing up
And then they came back to haunt us, and really messed us up

All those women, staring at me from across the room
So thoughtful, so introspective, looking at their latest catch
Knitting their brows, trying to make sense of that
Which I never could,  not all by myself
If I could, I would have, maybe just read a book off my shelf

When I think of all the hours
I've talked and tried to understand
It would add up to a short lifetime
In a simpler land

My current one's my favorite.  
She lives in my former hood
She's a ****, she's progressive and she'd heal me right now if she could

But alas, there is no short road
there is no easy end to this
You must be quite committed,
You must spend a lot of money and never miss
an appointment, because if you do, you'll trip
And before you know it you'll be back in the dip
where you started
That would be a shame
For a problem is a problem by any other name

"There is no other way but through"
I've read so many times
I imagine a stuffy, grey haired man speaking that line
And yet, it is true
As painful as it is
If it were easy, there'd be a lot more sane people in the world
And we all know it's not like this

We sat around for hours
And it was like that days on days
Sipping wine, eating cheese, just enjoying life's malaise
Of course we were in France, your favorite country
I barely understood a word of what was said, but I still felt care free

Oh, you were my Golden Boy, my Prince, my Knight, my Friend
Oh, we had those good times, and of course they'd never end
I was young, I was scared, I saw what I wanted to
I couldn't bare to face what I knew would come soon

Back in New York we married, had a wedding, such a big party
We invited all our friends, such a big company
I lived through that, feeling like a stranger in my life
Even that big show is not what I like

You promised me your everlasting love, your devotion and your means
Sure, you looked like you had a lot, but things are not always what they seem
I had to learn the hard way, coming back hearing "I could've told you so"
That hurt, it was the truth, something even I know

I left you, standing there, a half a world away
In Israel, you gave me a shallow hug and you didn't stay

That's the last I ever saw of you
Walking down those stairs
Twelve years of love
Like you didn't care

That was eight years ago
People say, get over it, you need a life
After all, you've moved on, I read it in the New York Times

You must have had twenty girlfriends, and few more besides, and then lucky you, you met your future wife
And me?  I come home still today,
and notice how happy I am that there's no one to ruin my day
No one to insult me, no one to call me sick
No one to blame me for his problems which can't be beat back with a stick

I still tense up, walking to my door
I still walk in, waiting for the sore
The projected pain, the insolence, the sickening ingratitude,
I sure know how to pick'em, you were quite a dude

So I'm still alone today, not ready to go
Still scared and scarred, but there's one thing I know
Someday I'll be healed
Someday I'll walk out that door
I'll hold my fear, yes, but it will not haunt me anymore
And then I'll know, you didn't win, because this is what you wanted of me
To be alone, to be afraid, anyone can see

You come up to me and say "ain't seen you in awhile"
You lookin' mighty fine and I always love your smile
Before I know we talkin' sweet and you're all up in my life
I'm thinking yeah I remember this, and it hurt just like a knife

But now there's just a scar and it don't hurt me no more
And yeah, here you back, knockin' at my door
Oh, it feels so good, your eyes all over me
And yes, I know, you like what you see

So really I should say, I'm way too old for this
I've seen a lot of trouble, I've taken lots of hits
And does that ever stop me, from seeing you again?
It should, I don't know, I'm just trying to see around that bend.

So for once in my life, I take a chance and close that door
You sweet baby, I know, but I don't need you anymore