i wanted so badly to make a cake
bought the ingredients
preheated the oven
sifted the flour
weighed the ingredients, separated the dry from the wet
mixed everything together
i put it in the oven and waited
i had a toothpick to check for doneness
and it still came out overdone
do i try again
what if i want cookies now
what if they don't want cake

lucifer came back into my life
dragged me down to hell
there were no flames or chains
but actions, immoral and careless
he tempted me with the mere prospect of physical affection
but only behind closed doors and lies
i was the other woman
the scorned, naive girl who loved a boy who would never love her back
he took a twenty-one year girl back to being her twelve year old self who hadn’t been kissed
thought i moved on, matured, was happy
but he came, made me doubt everything and wrecked up so much of my life
and then he left saying he loved her and hoped i'd understood
and that’s when i knew he would never love me

there is a lot of film and tv with dances where the main character is devastated by the slow dance, but ends up with the right person, or perhaps they gets pulled onto the floor and everything is right, the music, the stars
i forgot life was neither and when the lights dimmed at prom as a slow song came on i was forming blisters as the person who would later threaten to slit his wrists for breaking up with him was nowhere to be seen
the nail in the coffin of that night as i gazed at him with her and wondered why he’d even asked me to a dance he mostly ignored me at
i was surrounded by people, young and in love as the song dragged on, much like the night would with him
swallowed up by his tongue and his hands

when he was good it was okay and when it was bad it was terrible
every time i asked for below the minimum he would argue i didn’t tell him how much it meant to me, to be asked out in person, to be asked to prom like everyone else (even if it was blatantly obvious and embarrassing)

people cheered for me when we started dating
they would never know about the night he threatened to **** himself
how he cornered me for information after i drunkenly said i wasn’t totally clean after we’d broken up
how i cried after that interrogation and was so close to jumping off the deck, wishing i was dead
how it felt to be a truly evil person for no reasons other than the bitter complaints he spit out of his mouth
they wouldn’t see me break down when asked if i was okay
they wouldn’t know how i stared at the ceiling of that cabin as tears ran down my eyes, too tired to sob anymore
how i fell asleep after the exhaustion took over

they didn’t know how bad it would get
and neither did i

sometimes people know exactly how to respond
they know when physical touch to comfort someone is appropriate and necessary
when to pull away, when to stay silent
when to speak up
but i swear it's as if i'm always looking through a slightly frosted glass while there is noise in the background
i can see and hear what is in front me though there is a delay and misunderstandings
and they say think before you speak, but my brain didn't get the entire memo in development because my brain was rapidly firing the next thing to do or say or see or smell or try
it doesn't mean what i say or do should be excused, corrected, or reprimanded
it just means i need grace and time
and if that isn't possible some patience is appreciated
because i'm capable of simultaneously being too much and not enough
i don't want to be different but i'm told to try to be normal can be a bit dull and i should shine
because no one ever describes me as boring
and sometimes i really wish they did

in middle school i had a father
a great, loving father
and by high school i didn’t

at thirteen i thought i was an emotionless person
a cold, calm, and happy person
and by nineteen i’d realized i was anything but

at thirteen i liked a boy and I wrote that in permanent marker on a desk and would never say anything
i covered it with tape, but it is still there
and at twenty-two he moved back... it didn’t work out

in elementary i said i loved a boy and never got a reply
it didn’t stop me from saying those things to more boys, and eventually girls and people who don't identify as either

and now i hold on to the hope maybe each heartbreak will be different from before

one thing i know won’t be the same is at twelve i had a dad
and now i don’t

i scrutinize the issues i have since losing a father
if a boy might hurt me he tried to make sure they didn’t
now i put myself out there and get hurt
i look for him in every person i romanticize
i compare each person to a father who exceeded all expectations then started to died right in front of me

they said it’s quieter
which leaves more time for my thoughts to consume me
and the exhaustion of my mind running to overcome me
as the sun comes up i must say goodnight
it’s heart breaking as a person who used to love the sun and moon and how my circadian rhythms flowed
now it’s like sailing through a dark thunderstorm at seas
and all i can see is the occasional flash of my surroundings when lightning strikes
i’m cold and nauseous and beg for the mercy of slumber
i haven’t been sick in a long time yet as soon as i am assigned to the graveyard shift it’s like the monsters in my closest, my immune system, and my head come back
i am the small scared child i thought i had grown to no longer be
goodnight moon has always been my favorite book and now i must say hello moon and it brings great sadness to my soul
while i may long for the pace of nights i’ll gladly take my badge and my boots and arise before sunrise to set off to another busy day

it was nice
it was wonderful
though slowly i lost interest, i've lost interest in maintaining most relationships, i broke the heart of a boy who loved me to pieces and dealt with every mess i made and the mess i am
so if you ever want to know how to break your own heart just get yourself into a relationship with a person who loves being in relationships and brings gift and tells you just how much they love you all the time and smothers you in love
then lose the ability to love progressively and don't tell them for months and start to drift
then break it off and cry a bunch because you know you are the person at fault for hurting such a wonderful kind person
and continue to feel numb inside, letting the depression engulf you just like their love did, and bury yourself in work
because then your heart will be broken indefinitely