it's amazing how one's words can add up
the feeling so great
almost magical.
you reread all of them
over and over
soaking up every last feeling
and finally when i cant stop the smile on my lips
i am left grinning at your words
heart full
mind lost
just happy

i need to get over it
it's been a few weeks
it won't happen again
and i don't want it to.
just have to let it go
but again...
easier said than done

i guess friends to me
are the people i trust enough
to not ask me who i really am

as he asks if i lie
i can't help but to lie again
no i reply
but there are promises laced in the lies
and broken as truth is revealed.
it eats me up
consuming my hope
munching at the confidence
finishing off the last feeling of safety
and i am left with nothing
shaking hands respond
and i get the sick feeling in my stomach
just forget
let it all happen
but it's much easier said than done
i have to leave it all behind
start new, and pretend it doesn't hurt
pretend they don't hurt

My only escape
Beautiful words
Beautiful poetry
Put to music
I don't have to respond
Don't have to think
I don't even have to listen

Words swimming in my head
As you ask to talk
I feel the tears about to spill
But bite my cheek
It's silent between us
Awkward
Foreign
My brain reaches for words
All you can say is sorry
But I've heard it before
And I you're not
But yet I always believe you are
Which leads me here
Once again
Speechless

i can feel you pulling away.
your laugh gets a little louder when you are with them.
your smile a little brighter.
i just want to wrap you in my arms.
i want to hug you so tight that you never want to let go.
i want to lock you away, so the rest of the world cannot have you.
i can't though.
in the end, i just want you to smile.
in the end, i want you to be happy.
in the end, i want you to be loved.
so whatever can do that,  
i want for you.  
because, darling, i love you with all my heart
and if you are happy,
while not loving me back in that same way
then i'll just have to be okay with that.

I can feel it like fire
The tension between us
Making me stay further and further away
Your eyes meet mine
Only for a second
But I see the hate

I used to look into these eyes
Everyday...
Study them
Learn their shape and color
But now all I see is hate
Rings of fire
Stabbing into my heart

I have to pretend I'm okay though,
I did this all to you
And myself

i get stuck between the moments i lay sleeping
and moments when i'm half awake.
in these suddenly often occurring
i wonder how much of it is real
and then i wonder how much of it i see only in my imagination.
these moments confuse me,
startle my brain,
make me wake up
to wonder how long until the two will be the same
and my dreams will just be horrifying reminders
of my past

I pretend for a moment it isn't me
These aren't my feelings or actions
These aren't my problems or worries
As I stare at the mess
I expect a tear to come
After all, I've done this all
But in the end, no tears come
And I am left angry

In my dreams
All grass is green
And all of the
Waters are crystal clear
The sky always filled
White clouds
I swear I could reach
Out and touch

In my life
The grass turns
Brown and green
Through the seasons
The water may be murky
But I can always see
The bottom
Rain may fall from the sky
Sometimes for a while
But after the blue sky returns
And if we're lucky enough
There appears a beautiful
Rainbow

a new feeling brews inside of me
makes me feel sick
makes me feel hurt
but when it all comes together at the end of a long day
i'm angry
angry that you would even think about that
angry you don't care enough to stop
angry at you

i know that i need to stop.
i know it's not fair.
i scream, and cry.
i yell at myself.
i don't stop though.
i can't.
i don't know why.
i love it.
i love these words.
i love the feeling that overcomes me.
i need to stop though.
i can't do this.
i know it's not fair.

Why do we care about what we see in others,
when we can't even see ourselves?

Why do we put people in mental categories,
when we know that they'll never see themselves in our minds?

Why do we care so much about what others think,
when we're actually just too busy pleasing ourselves?

Why do we say we're afraid of the rain,
when we are just afraid of getting wet?

Why do we ask so many questions,
when we know they can't all be answered?

that hopeless feeling
the time when one is silent

you did that to me once
not so long ago

stated you would not speak
i rolled my eyes and stared a you
a small smile creeped upon your lips
and you slowly turned your head
"please! please! please!"
i cried again and again
you shook your head, refusing once more
you turn your head away,
shifting your body
"no, no, no"
i plead,
wrapping my arms around your chest
you shake your head once more

that hopeless feeling
the time when one is silent

Caught between two distinctly different worlds
I  drown in my thoughts
I finally look up and his mouth is moving
But I can't hear

Everyone speaks the language
But I don't understand it

I move through the minutes
Because what else would I do?

My new life feels like a constant countdown
I find myself at times forgetting though

New people hold my hand like an old friend
And offer their bed willingly for little sleep
I reach out
But quickly retract

Where am I anyways?

two shaking hands
rip my heart in two
stabbing it violently
making me cry
making me hurt
i look to see who these hands belong to
only to realize
they are my own two shaking hands
and that i am breaking my own heart

a lot of times,
i wish i didn't care.
like the rest of them.
living there lives selfishly and easy.
why can't i just be selfish for once.
i care too much.
it almost hurts.

with his touch i feel as though
nothing could be more perfect
make this much sense
fell this good
but i find just in another's words
i may feel this same way

Those words pain me
And I hope they aren't true
You can't do that
I promise you there is a better way
Just talk to me
Just cry
Anything but that

These words explain my life
My story
My thoughts

Every person in my life
Their actions
Their feelings

Good thing
That I only see this myself
Because then they might know the truth...

When will they realize this is all for nothing?
When will they understand how ridiculous they sound?
When will they realize it doesn't matter?
When will they start to really care?
When will they stop feeling so bad for themselves?
When will they stop acting like they're the best?
The real question is will they ever realize, start, understand, and stop these things?

As I read through these poems
I wonder and ask myself
How these beautiful words
Have gone so long with no recognition
Of ever existing together
As one

i've done it all before.
and it's happening again.
i get that feeling inside me.
the one as if i am about to die.
yet, i still love it so much.
i can't speak, can't say no.
i have no control.

again it kills me
but inside i know
i can't do anything about who i have become
i have to live with this all

live with the short glances
silence
guilt

all i can do is live though
at least i have you
to help me forget

Your body positioned as far away as possible
Making me feel like a disease
Making me feel like a monster
Maybe it's better this way though
You hate me...
And I guess now I'm ok with that
I can't feel bad forever...
I'm just hurting myself that way

We are free
We love those around us
We don't have a care in the world
We dream and smile
We are free

You and I function like a seesaw
on a children's playground.

When I am on top of the world,
you are at your lowest point.
Crying and sputtering words.
Hope and desperation etched in your voice,
like the initialed heart carvings on the swing sets nearby.

And when I hit my low,
alone in my room feeling nothing but sorry for myself,
you rest.
Happy that I too,
fall down sometimes.

The balance is what I yearn for.
I so badly wish that we could sit with our legs
just barely brushing the wood chips below.

When level,
we could both disembark from this see saw
and embrace to look for somewhere else to be.
The swings, perhaps.

Tears drip slowly down my face
I don't wipe them away
Or ask them to leave
My face hot
I stare ahead
Wondering how this happened
Thoughts wild in my brain
Make me wish and wish that I could escape

It is not your words that leave me feeling so empty,
It is you absence of words
That makes me feel completely and utterly futile