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zero sugar Jan 1
Please
Don’t tell them
The real reason
i’m not coming

We set the date and
It was firm it was hard plans
Which i am less dense than

Please
Don’t tell them
That i can’t-
i don’t want to see them
Their mouths wide and
The sunlight lining their lips
As they lick up life updates
The last 5 months slid
In and i came out empty
i have nothing
In me
To even wet their appetites

Tooth for a tooth
But i have
None of those left to exchange
Not even for a smile
(for the time being: i’m too rude)

Please
Don’t tell them
That i can’t-
i’m not able to see them
Recently i’ve been
Turning people into mirrors
So that i may better
Look at my own nothingness
Only with my back to them
And their gaze taken elsewhere
On the glare of a black phone
Screen i’ll spy
The breeze running
Through their lashes

Eye for an eye
But don’t give me
Yours
i’ll only be gazing
At that empty centre
At myself

Just let me hide
Please
Don’t tell me
That it’s bad for me   I know
zero sugar Dec 2024
We are beings-towards-death, said Heidegger. Death is not some far-off . . .  sudden point. We carry it moment to moment. We cross it from moment to moment. We are death mules with no destination. Just “towards”. Two words. Fall in. Fall front. Face first. Eyes closed. Death. There is another gap to bridge. What is death like? Imagine. We can never exist at the same time as death, said Epicurus. But don’t we? Is this not death’s bridge we are standing on? Ok. We are off. On now. Back down. Here again. Shiver at the forever first step on the wooden planks of death’s bridge. It’s wet and not rotted. Over before we know it. On it again. Crossing it is sinking down. Is going up. Is becoming more three-dimensional. Is speeding up. Is heating up. Is melting slowly into the veins of the wood. We can never guess where this bridge ends. Begins. Sand blocks between the water. Dry as bone. The paper between printed words. Soft as stone. Being has requirements. It builds death’s bridge. For us. We must. Shine our shadow over it. If death is a lighthouse we are its gasoline. Its penance. We are the ship and the closing distance. We’re the collision. Cake crumble concrete. We are so many cats landing on feet. We are this moment dead and that moment reborn. Again. Again. Again. We are the bridge we take moment to moment. We are.

— The End —