So what if I'm being a *****
So what if I'm acting rude
Right now I think I am allowed

I dont care anymore
I dont give a rats ***
I'm sooo past done

Just going through the motions
not taking anything in
Not caring about anything

I know its mean
and I know its not right
But trust me
right now its for the best

Its either that or a mental break down
My emotions are bubbling up
and I cant stem the flow

I need to remove myself from it all
so I can quietly and calmly
pull my self together
I'm sorry If that hurts you

I'm not trying to be mean
I'm not trying to push anyone away

I just need to do this for me
I hope you understand

I guess you cant see
the pain in my eyes
Or  hear
the pain in my voice
or the pain
I hide in my text

Where are you
when I really need you?

I need you now
I need you to be there

Where are you?

This place is Hell
The walls made of fire
The air is putrid smelling smoke

Its slowly suficating me
Breaking me down
killing me
from the inside out

This Place is Hell
Taking away my freedom
Taking away what is me

The floor is lava
Burning me
with every step I take

Trying to  break my spirit
Succeeded
I am broken

My go lucky attitude disapates
****
Now I am just
a broken little robot
One of their creations

Normally I'm kind
I'm always cracking jokes
Making everyone laugh

I put others before me
I let them treat me
whatever way they want
not caring if its wrong

My words, my bark
is worse then my bite
I can threaten with words
but could never raise my fist

But
you
have
pushed
me
to far

I'm sharpening my fangs
Getting my claws all nice and sharp

I may have a long fuse
But you just lite it
and soaked it in gasloline
KABOOM

Better run
Better Hide
I will find you
and then you will
really know
what My bite
can do

>:-)

Maybe if they had fought more.
Maybe if they had yelled or screamed.
It wouldn't have been as great of a shock.

I had no warning.
No hint at all.
They covered up the signs so well.

On the day they told us.
The news stabbed my heart.
The tears, I couldn't hold back.

My family was splitting apart.
Daddy was moving out.
He and Kellie were getting a divorse.

It shattered my world.
It tore traditions apart.
My world was never the same.

My hopes that maybe they would get back together.
Were smashed to microscopic peses.
The day Daddy intruduced us to his new girlfriend.

It's been over two years.
And the pain hasn't gone away.
It still seems like a terrible nightmare.

I lay quietly in my bed.
The open window above my head blows the soft blue curtain over me.
I sit up and go behind the curtain.
I open the window a little more.

The cold night wind whips my face.
It feels good against my burning skin.
I rest my head on the window sill and close my eyes.
The sounds of the night comes rushing to my ears.

I hear crickets playing their dispair filled songs.
While the hedge sways in the wind with their old bones cracking.
A distant dog barks at the night shadows.
A lonely car drives by its tires spitting pebbles.

Behind the curtain with the window open.
The moon shining it's light down on my.
It feels like a whole other world.
So peaceful and beautiful that only I know

As I sit on the picnic table
that is supported by the deck
I absorb the scenery
That is all around me.

I see the little nest that had been deserted
and left to protect itself against
the harsh winter that lay ahead.

I look down to see the snow covering
the ground's true beauty and wonder
if the snow will ever go away.

Then I look at the old tree with
its bare limbs coated with a layer
of the two week old snow.

All of a  sudden a little gray squirrel
climbs over the rusted old fence thinking
he will find some acorns in my backyard,
only to find he had been wrong.

I guess  I never really noticed how beautiful
my backyard could be.
I always thought it
was like everyone Else's,

but as I sit on this picnic table
I see the true beauty
that the snow has hidden all winter long.