I'm known for being more
then just a little rebellious.

Yet, unknown to everyone,
my biggest fight, but main act of rebellion

Is believing.

That I can end up happier with another
then you two are.

I really don't know what I saw in you.

The boy who would talk with me past 1
not realizing a second past

But who would have to work on talking to me
in person.

We would run for three miles together
and only exchange a few sentences.

Somehow, though, that was enough for me.

Something has happened in the last few days.
I can't quite describe all that it is, all that it means

Some resolve has gone,
but so much knowledge has been gained.

A knowing that,
what I have to say isn't as important
as what other's around me need to say.
And that I'm not meant to talk so much as

to simply listen.

So those that see me,
when I don't talk much,
and when I do, speak at a much lower volume than usual.

It's because


I have nothing to say
that's worth listening to.

Toughen up* they say
It's no big deal, it wasn't even that graphic.

But it was you could see the pain in their eyes.
If I did "toughen up" I would be like everybody else.
unfazed because I knew of the cruelty of the world.

Yet, it is because of this fear I have of seeing others hurting others
that I am different.

I won't accept it as a part of life,
as something you can see in the movies and say it's no big deal

It is because of this fear
and me feeling what they do in the movies
those victims, those alone.
That feeling that I am them that keeps me up at night.

That is what makes me someone who will so something about it
and not just see this pain and destruction as something that's
no big deal in a movie theater or in real life.

Just because you know of the cruelty of the world
doesn't mean that you are going to do something about it
It doesn't mean that you feel others' pain, and are empathetic.

You lay beside me calmly through the night,
I love watching your beautiful face so peaceful.
But suddenly you start breathing heavily, loudly
Sweat starts to drip on the sheets and your face is tense.

I can do nothing but hold your hand as it grabs on mine for dear life.
I know these nightmares are from your past you claim to forget,
a time that scarred you for life, that tortures you in the twilight.

I hope someday you tell me of these dreams and your past
so we can have a full understanding and I can help you,
I need to help you past this so you don't have to agonize in the night.
Because I love you too much to sit by and do nothing

Another perfect night of
A stomach full on ice cream
new memories with friends
favorite music playing late at night
after everyone has gone home
and the world is silent again

I'm not crazy

             I                                                                '   m

                                         not

                                                                                                                        yzarc

                                                                     No

                I can't be

not                                                                                                                                                    again

                                     not again


not

notalready


not again


I'm not
     s
   t
                           a
              b
                                                                                                                                              l
                                              e

enough


yet

D
   r
  i
     p

I won't let myself cry

D
   r
i
    p

It's my fault anyways

D
   r
i
   p

I should've known you were trouble.

D
   r
i
    p

D
   r
  i
    p

Hey everyone, this is just a little update thingy, but thanks everyone who has been liking and following, it means a lot! I don't have a laptop over the summer so I'll hardly be posting but I'll be writing in a journal to upload some time later in the year! Thanks everyone soooo much! <3

We are just here wasting our lives,
crammed in a florescent room.
Pale walls, monotonous voice.
Expecting us to focus
on things that don't even matter.
While we could be out there
making a difference in something.
But instead they force us into
a florescent room with pale walls.

She is nothing like a puzzle.
When you put the pieces together in a puzzle,
you know what they are going to look like in the end.

She is more like a butterfly wing.
You have one pigment of colour
and the rest is a mystery.

Who knows how big the wing is,
what shape it is,
or how many different colors are hidden inside.

That little piece of pigment is the dark blue.
So dark that you think it's black
unless is catches the light at a certain angle

And I know there is true black in most of the wing.
I'm just out to find the splashes of color
that keep her flying.

I'm not going to let you
harass me like this anymore.

You can kiss my *** goodbye
cause I'll see you again in hell.

Laughing because I sent you there.

I'm overwhelmed with understanding.
And I can't share it with anyone

Because I can hardly understand it myself.

There is just so much
anger
and
frustration
built up at both
him
and
you
At how he does nothing
to
fix
anything
and you just make what you two have
so
much
worse


That I do...


*nothing

Every friend comes as a great person,
we all have our quirks, but that's what makes us unique.

But then the longer I know them,
they start to develop the worst of qualities

Extreme annoyance,
Depression to the point of suicide,
Strangely mean for no reason.

Is it something I did?
Or were they always like that
And I just brought the bad out?

Maybe this is why I don't like people
As hard as I try to see the good,
there's always a ton of bad.

I'm not tall
               and that's fine
I'm not skinny
               and that's fine
I'm not a genius
               and that's fine
I don't shine in sports
               and that's fine
Five (great) friends are all I have
               and that's perfect

I'm not a lot of things
I don't have what everyone wants.

But I am me.
And I have music.
               and that's perfect

Setting up a new schedule,
changing my lifestyle,
basically changing who I am
(in a way)

I hope this works.

Why worry about what other people think about you

She the only opinion that matters is your own on yourself

Just be the best you can on your own and whoever can't handle that
well, that's their problem.

Her poison reaches out,
the thousands of tiny fingers
grabbing him to pull him back to her.

He can't escape,
he never will.

All of his strength,
his identity
want to resist.

It's slipping away
as he gives in to her
and her poison.

And this time
there is nothing I can do
to protect him.

Every time I close my eyes
I can see you sitting there on the curb.
I can still see the disapo=pointment, the hurt in your eyes.
I never thought that you would take my words seriously,
and I couldn't go back to you and explain.
Maybe we actually had a chance,
I could tell what was on your mind,
but then I spoke those words right before the rain came down
and I had to leave.
You weren't supposed to take my words seriously,
you were supposed to get that I was joking.
Now it may be to late to mend it.
I can't steal back that moment with your arm around me,
our heads close.
Before I pushed you away with those words.

That weren't serious.

So many eyes
each and every one judging.

The only way to be free
is to keep
your thoughts
your heart
your words
in a secret

To the top of all the world
To the tasteless underworld
To the center of your heart, oh Cleopatra is the only one you loved
To the demonstrated smile
To the lonely love child
Destination desolation, tell me when you reach the brink of life
Just a picture on your wall
That's nice, what a metaphoric fall
Typically, I was a validation on your sleeve
Oh what an indication
To the center of the pain
Through your tattered window pane
To the middle of your heart

Resolutions and lovers in the kitchen
Love is clueless and destiny is wishing
This is my heart, it's on the line, Selene

This is not what I expect, this is not what I expect
I can see it in your tears and now they're crowning me, the Caesar
Typically, I was a validation on your sleeve
Oh what an indication
To the center of the pain
Through your tattered window pane
To the middle of your heart

Resolutions and lovers in the kitchen
Love is clueless and destiny is wishing
This is my heart, it's on the line, Selene

We each have our loyalties elsewhere

we are just using each other as replacements.

... temporary replacements

Eventually, late at night
when no one is there to see
all that anger
my only defense system

it just melts away,
laying in a pool around me

forgotten

until i need to clean it up
and put it back on.

And all thats left is a skeleton
and a small,
insignificant
slowly beating heart
trying to hide in a fragile rib cage.

All I ever want to do is make you smile

I'm so sorry for bringing up a painful past

Each passing day is spent
With an early awakening
Followed by another morning realizing nothing fits right
And straight off towards the long right hallways
Clogged with moving obsticles on the racecourse for rushing from class to class
Blocks of time set aside to try to stay awake
A short break is offered at lunch where there is a quick relief
Then it's off to the mad races again

Shipped home I'm left grabbing quick food
and spending the hours that stretch into the night in solitude

Despite it all life seems great.
Friends accompany in the mad dashes, and offer much-needed laughs

But it's just a matter of time until something cracks
I can already feel the fissure forming on the fragile stone walls
The clock is slowly counting down to self distruct

As the sun kneels down
its end coming

with a final breath
overwhelming beauty is expelled

before it dies for the night.

I want to be able to write a symphony,
something that touches the hearts of others,
something so beautiful you want to be a part of it.

But there is too much anger inside
resentment, frustration, rebellion
to ever stop and calm myself down
just long enough to write down
all the perfection I can see in the world
in little pockets of time

I'm getting used to limited oxygen by now

although sometimes my chest tightens up

and I feel an extreme impulse to break out of this glass

Then I remember how many times I've tried

and slump down in defeat knowing


*I'll never get out of here

Like the empty roof over a house of anger,
there can be a place of escape
even in the most imprisoning places.

Somewhere were you can think as you wish
without someone deciding you have
to share your thoughts with the world.

A place where you can listen to what you want.
Something, anything other then their constant voices
drilling what they want you to do in your head.

I don't care about a single word you say

I'm just good at pretending I do

The more you understand how school works, and not just like "ew, I don't like homework" the more you realize what a scam it is. You work for grades, that doesn't even show if you actually understand the subject. And then you have to learn a TON of stuff you seriously will never use. I understand music, English, biology(for me because of doctor stuff) and math(to a very certain degree) and speech and Spanish.

However, we have to learn stuff about parabolas which you only use if you are an engineer or scientist(maybe) and then we waste hours of our life just sitting in a classroom and studying instead of bring out in the world making a difference, which is what I want to do.

And grades... If someone gets c or a b are they stupid? Maybe they just knew they would never use this Information and didn't try, being smart and living instead of wasting hours if their short life. Parents know that grades aren't good measurements, and yet they put so much emphasis on them! Because they, *** this is so stupid, they DETERMINE our whole future!!!! Why aren't we worrying about the kids in drugs and *** and in gangs??? But no, we have to worry for your future that you got a b on a test.

Please tell me how that makes any sense!

I look back at everything I wrote,
think on how all those emotions had past
But they are still here.
I'm a different person
everyone around me is the same though,
no perspective can make it better,
this strange situation.
We are different people
these are different situations
While I look for a way out,
everyone is trying to find a way
to keep me locked in.

I'm always going to be fighting back
always in different ways,
against different persons.

But you are all the same.
You say you aren't the same,
that you aren't like them.

You are,
you always have been.

You aren't worth crying over.

Hell, you aren't even worth a minute of my thoughts and regrets.

Not after all you did to me

not when I never cross your mind.

I want to say everything I regretted...no, that I regret not saying.

So much that would've, or could've made everything better, or at least not where we are now.

Isolated.

But only because we aren't together as we should be.

Separated by a crowd and lost explanations.

Tonight I'm missing you

Tonight I'm wishing you were sitting next to me on the couch
holding my hand, maybe reading a book
maybe we are talking about nothing
or just sitting there with my head in your lap
listening to the crickets outside, to the silence of the wind
coming through the open window.

Lately I've been chasing an impossible dream.
The dream that things actually work out.

I've had my taste of what life could be like,
Surrounded by great friends, a guy I actually have a chance with
It was all too good to be true

Everything has sunken into a void of nothingness.
I talk too much about myself but there's nothing else to say
Won't someone else please bring up something to talk about?

He has grown distant and I don't know how to act.
Something happened one day and it all changed
That weekend had been perfect but here it never happened

Everything was too good to be true
Nothing was meant to last

The cycle begins again,
I can see it all drift away

When I hold your hand I want to shiver from the comforting warmth
When you trace my face, universes collide in harmony
As we dance, our fingers feel the kind of burning from frozen feet immersed in hot water