Yeah, I'm a loser, I know.

But I like it that way

cause that means I'm being me

To the top of all the world
To the tasteless underworld
To the center of your heart, oh Cleopatra is the only one you loved
To the demonstrated smile
To the lonely love child
Destination desolation, tell me when you reach the brink of life
Just a picture on your wall
That's nice, what a metaphoric fall
Typically, I was a validation on your sleeve
Oh what an indication
To the center of the pain
Through your tattered window pane
To the middle of your heart

Resolutions and lovers in the kitchen
Love is clueless and destiny is wishing
This is my heart, it's on the line, Selene

This is not what I expect, this is not what I expect
I can see it in your tears and now they're crowning me, the Caesar
Typically, I was a validation on your sleeve
Oh what an indication
To the center of the pain
Through your tattered window pane
To the middle of your heart

Resolutions and lovers in the kitchen
Love is clueless and destiny is wishing
This is my heart, it's on the line, Selene

When a candle is extinguished
it can be by a gentle breath,
a soft shimmer of sound
tendrils of smoke drifting upwards
it's scent lingering before the memory is erased.

or

It can be extinguished by suffocation
all the oxygen burned out and the flame
gone
without a sign that it was ever lit.

As the sun kneels down
its end coming

with a final breath
overwhelming beauty is expelled

before it dies for the night.

I'm known for being more
then just a little rebellious.

Yet, unknown to everyone,
my biggest fight, but main act of rebellion

Is believing.

That I can end up happier with another
then you two are.

There is no calm after the storm.
Just silence on the outside

Anger, frustration, sadness inside.
And there ain't nothing you can say to fix it.

That's the "calm"

The more you understand how school works, and not just like "ew, I don't like homework" the more you realize what a scam it is. You work for grades, that doesn't even show if you actually understand the subject. And then you have to learn a TON of stuff you seriously will never use. I understand music, English, biology(for me because of doctor stuff) and math(to a very certain degree) and speech and Spanish.

However, we have to learn stuff about parabolas which you only use if you are an engineer or scientist(maybe) and then we waste hours of our life just sitting in a classroom and studying instead of bring out in the world making a difference, which is what I want to do.

And grades... If someone gets c or a b are they stupid? Maybe they just knew they would never use this Information and didn't try, being smart and living instead of wasting hours if their short life. Parents know that grades aren't good measurements, and yet they put so much emphasis on them! Because they, *** this is so stupid, they DETERMINE our whole future!!!! Why aren't we worrying about the kids in drugs and *** and in gangs??? But no, we have to worry for your future that you got a b on a test.

Please tell me how that makes any sense!

Sister is wrong when she says it's just another little disagreement.
Driving two and a half hours away for two days of work isn't bad.

But you cannot leave an argument in the air when you leave.
Don't you see you just drained the whole house of any positive energy?

Fourteen blue eyes
Seven happy faces
Five futures
Two pasts
One marriage

An airforce officer,
doctor,
business man,
golf caddie
and an unknown.

One happy family

I walked through your home-town today.
If you knew this, I don't know if you would be angry.

(I do know that you would be annoyed I still say harbour, and not harbor
you would say once again, "You aren't in England anymore")

Even though you aren't in my life anymore,
you left me with a dream

that's so small
but so powerful.

I walked through your home-town today
and it is everything you said it was.

Just by the sights, the small town feel
I could smell the ocean air,
feel the breeze rushing through my hair
as I rode my bike on the winding Main Street.

Even though you aren't in my life anymore,
you left me with a dream

that's so small
but so powerful.

It was the dream to move away from my normal
to a small harbour town, and love their peacefully,
maybe as the town doctor...
but it doesn't matter how I get there.

Just as long as I do

An arrow spinning through space,
twisting amongst the stars,
playing with the constellations
flying with the comets.

Never hitting a mark
as it never had one.
Just some notion
a spark of an idea.

This little arrow
spinning among the the stars
in it’s easy freedom
It will spark a revolution

So I have anger issues,
at least I'm not punching through walls

(Although I'm training myself to do so, shhh, don't tell)
I don't want to tell any one that would actually do something of my problems.

They'll just start an interrogation
and that's the last thing I need
(I don't want to hurt them, they think they are helping)

So I guess I'll keep writing messed up poetry
that no one reads because it makes no sense.

And who wants to hear a demented person blab on?

As these muscles clench and unclench all day
trying so hard not to lash out at those I care about
(but why should I care? They don't care about me and they'll leave anyways)

A boxing class would be a great idea right now...
Rather hurt a huge bag of sand then destroy a school laptop.

Boy, why are you so serious?
People liked you because you were
happy, energetic...different.

What has happened to you?
Have you finally succumbed to what society wants,
what you said you would never do?

Where is your spirit,
your joy and weirdness?

Everything is gone,
every last trace of who you were.

The night is cold and I wish you were here
so I could lean against you
with my head in the crook of your neck
your arm around me as I dream of being with you always.
Knowing you would never leave me.
Knowing I would always be there for you,
that we would always be there for each other
all the time and when the night is cold.

I'll just let the webs

close my eyes again

as a slip into a deep sleep.

Toughen up* they say
It's no big deal, it wasn't even that graphic.

But it was you could see the pain in their eyes.
If I did "toughen up" I would be like everybody else.
unfazed because I knew of the cruelty of the world.

Yet, it is because of this fear I have of seeing others hurting others
that I am different.

I won't accept it as a part of life,
as something you can see in the movies and say it's no big deal

It is because of this fear
and me feeling what they do in the movies
those victims, those alone.
That feeling that I am them that keeps me up at night.

That is what makes me someone who will so something about it
and not just see this pain and destruction as something that's
no big deal in a movie theater or in real life.

Just because you know of the cruelty of the world
doesn't mean that you are going to do something about it
It doesn't mean that you feel others' pain, and are empathetic.

Oh course, guess who is the scapegoat again,
when your perfect boy lies to you
you don't even want to see the holes.

Do you really not trust me that much?
What have I ever done to deserve this?
I try to be that perfect daughter you want me to be

at least in your presence

but I'm done.

There are way to many huge flaws in everything
so I'm done with it all.

I really miss you.
Never meeting you,
never seeing you.
I have no idea who you are.

But you are supposed to fill this little empty spot.

Her poison reaches out,
the thousands of tiny fingers
grabbing him to pull him back to her.

He can't escape,
he never will.

All of his strength,
his identity
want to resist.

It's slipping away
as he gives in to her
and her poison.

And this time
there is nothing I can do
to protect him.

He set down the forks, spoons, and knives.

he put out the plates

one, two, three, four, fiv-

"Hey, honey?"
yes mom?
"He's not coming back. Don't waste space on the table."
but if he comes home,
it would make him really mad if I didn't set a place for him
"You don't need to worry about him anymore. We are safe here."

He picked up one fork
one spoon
one knife
and one plate

and put them back in the cupboard.


At least that's one less cup to pour...

I need some type of drug
to wake me up.

Because I can hardly keep my eyes open
let alone figuring out the square root of x minus 78

Walking to and from classes seems like running a marathon
and even standing up is equivalent to lifting 1,000 pounds.

I need coffee
to get through the day

I want to be able to write a symphony,
something that touches the hearts of others,
something so beautiful you want to be a part of it.

But there is too much anger inside
resentment, frustration, rebellion
to ever stop and calm myself down
just long enough to write down
all the perfection I can see in the world
in little pockets of time

Just because something ended badly
doesn't mean that there wasn't any good
in the foreplay.

I'm overwhelmed with understanding.
And I can't share it with anyone

Because I can hardly understand it myself.

Being with you is a cloudless rain.
The refreshing downpour of spring water,
under a cloudless sky and the summer sun.

Setting up a new schedule,
changing my lifestyle,
basically changing who I am
(in a way)

I hope this works.

I drank
two cups
of mustard water
today

they say
that it will
make me
throw up.

It didn't work.

My best friends aren't those that you would expect.
They aren't who i hang out with in school that much,
I don't have sleepovers with them or go shopping with them.

They are my guy friends that just want to climb trees, ride bikes, go crazy.
Our minds are alike, we have the same opinions about everyone.
If there is a problem we have with each other, we don't need to talk about it. We know it will pass.

No drama, just fun.
No arguments, just laughs.

Why can't my "best friends" be like this?
The people I hang out in school have to keep composed.
They won't let me be myself, my crazy and fun self.

I think they must be jealous,
'cause they won't let be hang out with my real friends
without a huge argument and making me feel like an outcast.

Each passing day is spent
With an early awakening
Followed by another morning realizing nothing fits right
And straight off towards the long right hallways
Clogged with moving obsticles on the racecourse for rushing from class to class
Blocks of time set aside to try to stay awake
A short break is offered at lunch where there is a quick relief
Then it's off to the mad races again

Shipped home I'm left grabbing quick food
and spending the hours that stretch into the night in solitude

Despite it all life seems great.
Friends accompany in the mad dashes, and offer much-needed laughs

But it's just a matter of time until something cracks
I can already feel the fissure forming on the fragile stone walls
The clock is slowly counting down to self distruct

She is nothing like a puzzle.
When you put the pieces together in a puzzle,
you know what they are going to look like in the end.

She is more like a butterfly wing.
You have one pigment of colour
and the rest is a mystery.

Who knows how big the wing is,
what shape it is,
or how many different colors are hidden inside.

That little piece of pigment is the dark blue.
So dark that you think it's black
unless is catches the light at a certain angle

And I know there is true black in most of the wing.
I'm just out to find the splashes of color
that keep her flying.

Like a drug I tear me apart.
Myself isn't usually a problem,
but her two cents can cause great damage.

I loves to write about love to come,
wishing upon dying stars far away.

Myself lives on instinct,
always defensive from being hurt one to many times.

And Me lashes out to hurt,
wanting to cause pain and gain power.

They are all in a constant battle.
I, the true self.

But when the odds are two against one,
there is little hope good will prevail.

So many eyes
each and every one judging.

The only way to be free
is to keep
your thoughts
your heart
your words
in a secret

I've been protecting myself for so long
always pushing back the oncoming walls.

It would be so much easier if someone would be there with me
then maybe we could break down all these walls together

and together we could live in peace

Why must you sadden us
with a death that's non-existent?

Maybe someday I'll figure myself out
Emerge from this muddled state of mind
With some form of understanding
of where I am going,
What my destination is
What my intended purpose is

But for now I'm wandering
through this infinate maze in my mind
where each dead end is a new idea or emotion

Eventually, late at night
when no one is there to see
all that anger
my only defense system

it just melts away,
laying in a pool around me

forgotten

until i need to clean it up
and put it back on.

And all thats left is a skeleton
and a small,
insignificant
slowly beating heart
trying to hide in a fragile rib cage.

All I ever want to do is make you smile

I'm so sorry for bringing up a painful past

One can totally erase all the troubles,
the drama,
and stresses
with the simple action of putting in headphones.

I'm getting used to limited oxygen by now

although sometimes my chest tightens up

and I feel an extreme impulse to break out of this glass

Then I remember how many times I've tried

and slump down in defeat knowing


*I'll never get out of here

Lately I've been chasing an impossible dream.
The dream that things actually work out.

I've had my taste of what life could be like,
Surrounded by great friends, a guy I actually have a chance with
It was all too good to be true

Everything has sunken into a void of nothingness.
I talk too much about myself but there's nothing else to say
Won't someone else please bring up something to talk about?

He has grown distant and I don't know how to act.
Something happened one day and it all changed
That weekend had been perfect but here it never happened

Everything was too good to be true
Nothing was meant to last

The cycle begins again,
I can see it all drift away

I have so much to say that I fear if I let myself talk
word will just spill out like a never ending river
Whether anyone listens doesn't matter
It's just writing is never enough,
if I attempted to write all I wanted to say
I would never stop writing

But for now I'll just keep patiently asking questions
the words inside building up