Hey everyone, this is just a little update thingy, but thanks everyone who has been liking and following, it means a lot! I don't have a laptop over the summer so I'll hardly be posting but I'll be writing in a journal to upload some time later in the year! Thanks everyone soooo much! <3

I wish sometimes that people could be in real life as they are online
That I could just block them to clear my head
or delete them from my contacts so I wouldn't have to deal with them

It would save the cold shoulders
the tense atmosphere
and lives could change for the better

without having to spend it avoiding problems

I'm not going to let you
harass me like this anymore.

You can kiss my *** goodbye
cause I'll see you again in hell.

Laughing because I sent you there.

Why worry about what other people think about you

She the only opinion that matters is your own on yourself

Just be the best you can on your own and whoever can't handle that
well, that's their problem.

So I thought of you for the first time in, like, all summer.
I just so totally amazes me that I used to not be able to pass a day without thinking about, not you, but us.

Now I hardly even think of you.
ha, I was so immature before.
Only, now you are the opposite.
You are now more immautre.

You lost, I won.

Loser

There is just so much
anger
and
frustration
built up at both
him
and
you
At how he does nothing
to
fix
anything
and you just make what you two have
so
much
worse


That I do...


*nothing

Stuck in another jail house.
At least they let us walk from cell to cell on our own
before we have to sit (not even stand to stretch) for an hour
in a small, cold, stone room.
As they talk in monotone,
punishing us if we dare think about sleeping.

The night is at it's darkest
right at the point when it's not sure
if it's late night or early morning.

And I'm up and wanting to go somewhere
away from this boring place
where I am trapped at the night.

I never want to get up and do something during the "waking hours"
The sun is too hot, to forceful, I don't know...

The moon is cool, peaceful.
Inviting you to do something on your own.


But I'm stuck not just to a house, but to a single room.

I wish I could get out and do my own thing.



And I will......someday.....

You lay beside me calmly through the night,
I love watching your beautiful face so peaceful.
But suddenly you start breathing heavily, loudly
Sweat starts to drip on the sheets and your face is tense.

I can do nothing but hold your hand as it grabs on mine for dear life.
I know these nightmares are from your past you claim to forget,
a time that scarred you for life, that tortures you in the twilight.

I hope someday you tell me of these dreams and your past
so we can have a full understanding and I can help you,
I need to help you past this so you don't have to agonize in the night.
Because I love you too much to sit by and do nothing

Tonight I'm missing you

Tonight I'm wishing you were sitting next to me on the couch
holding my hand, maybe reading a book
maybe we are talking about nothing
or just sitting there with my head in your lap
listening to the crickets outside, to the silence of the wind
coming through the open window.

I'm already so painfully aware of

every

single

mistake

I make.

I don't need you pointing them out as well.
Every moment my mind is telling me
I'll never be good enough for anything
let alone anyone.

I act like I don't mind
One would think I brush everything off
But every moment I'm going over the past
What I should have done, what I shouldn't have
How I'm just one big mistake
And I just make everything worse.

All you are doing right now is giving my mind more proof
against myself.

We are all fake
passing in the halls with a smile

did you hear,
have you seen?


shh


But that's it.
No meaning,
maybe a sharing of insecurities
but these are never understood.

We just judge,
and watch,
talk about others,
and talk behind each others back.

Will we ever just


                                                              ­      STOP






...and see what is going on here?

                                                          ­                                    We don't belong together


but there is no one else

Every time I close my eyes
I can see you sitting there on the curb.
I can still see the disapo=pointment, the hurt in your eyes.
I never thought that you would take my words seriously,
and I couldn't go back to you and explain.
Maybe we actually had a chance,
I could tell what was on your mind,
but then I spoke those words right before the rain came down
and I had to leave.
You weren't supposed to take my words seriously,
you were supposed to get that I was joking.
Now it may be to late to mend it.
I can't steal back that moment with your arm around me,
our heads close.
Before I pushed you away with those words.

That weren't serious.

We each have our loyalties elsewhere

we are just using each other as replacements.

... temporary replacements

I look back at everything I wrote,
think on how all those emotions had past
But they are still here.
I'm a different person
everyone around me is the same though,
no perspective can make it better,
this strange situation.
We are different people
these are different situations
While I look for a way out,
everyone is trying to find a way
to keep me locked in.

I'm always going to be fighting back
always in different ways,
against different persons.

But you are all the same.
You say you aren't the same,
that you aren't like them.

You are,
you always have been.

The flames lick the wood, yet it does not catch fire
A drop of water occasionally falls from the leaves above, still wet from yesterday's rain.

Headphones cover the ears of a girl who is tired of listening

The hammock slowly rocks back and forth, it's motion so slight one hardly notices

The music blares on as her anger slowly diminishes while tears fall

Smoke floats by on a zephyr.

The embers gradually cool and the pulsing glow disappears into black ash

I'm not tall
               and that's fine
I'm not skinny
               and that's fine
I'm not a genius
               and that's fine
I don't shine in sports
               and that's fine
Five (great) friends are all I have
               and that's perfect

I'm not a lot of things
I don't have what everyone wants.

But I am me.
And I have music.
               and that's perfect

When I hold your hand I want to shiver from the comforting warmth
When you trace my face, universes collide in harmony
As we dance, our fingers feel the kind of burning from frozen feet immersed in hot water

Boy, don't kid yourself.

Stop trying and getting in my way.
Even though it's annoying, it's worse then that
Now I'm being teased and sometimes getting in trouble
because of your little antics that my parents don't like.

Please, just get out of my way.

I really don't know what I saw in you.

The boy who would talk with me past 1
not realizing a second past

But who would have to work on talking to me
in person.

We would run for three miles together
and only exchange a few sentences.

Somehow, though, that was enough for me.

We are just here wasting our lives,
crammed in a florescent room.
Pale walls, monotonous voice.
Expecting us to focus
on things that don't even matter.
While we could be out there
making a difference in something.
But instead they force us into
a florescent room with pale walls.

Heart break :

It requires a strength that cannot be found from hundreds of trips to the gym.

isolated among the immense and dreary gray....
the clouds in the sky are dimming the day

now is our time, our debt to pay
in the streets, many dead will lay

in this single night, its wings will tear,
no longer will it light the way...

the lost will wander endlessly
until with their lives they've payed

the "living" will stay tripping,
over the decayed

until dropping dead,
in a growing mountain they'll forever lay

Like the empty roof over a house of anger,
there can be a place of escape
even in the most imprisoning places.

Somewhere were you can think as you wish
without someone deciding you have
to share your thoughts with the world.

A place where you can listen to what you want.
Something, anything other then their constant voices
drilling what they want you to do in your head.

Don't admit to something like an apology

and not say "I'm Sorry"

Another perfect night of
A stomach full on ice cream
new memories with friends
favorite music playing late at night
after everyone has gone home
and the world is silent again

Everything has died.

The want to save others,
the need to change myself.

I'll sit forever this way
reflecting on my mistakes
wishing i never made them
and knowing I'm deteriorating

not even caring.

I want to say everything I regretted...no, that I regret not saying.

So much that would've, or could've made everything better, or at least not where we are now.

Isolated.

But only because we aren't together as we should be.

Separated by a crowd and lost explanations.

I'm not crazy

             I                                                                '   m

                                         not

                                                                                                                        yzarc

                                                                     No

                I can't be

not                                                                                                                                                    again

                                     not again


not

notalready


not again


I'm not
     s
   t
                           a
              b
                                                                                                                                              l
                                              e

enough


yet

Every friend comes as a great person,
we all have our quirks, but that's what makes us unique.

But then the longer I know them,
they start to develop the worst of qualities

Extreme annoyance,
Depression to the point of suicide,
Strangely mean for no reason.

Is it something I did?
Or were they always like that
And I just brought the bad out?

Maybe this is why I don't like people
As hard as I try to see the good,
there's always a ton of bad.

I don't care about a single word you say

I'm just good at pretending I do

Everyone has their own story to tell.
A reason they came, a reason they left.

We are all writing our stories.
Some people will pause to re-read previous chapters.

But where is the sense in that?
We all must keep writing to live the life we want to.