i want to, sit on a park bench                                  
at the beginning of autumn
sipping our take away coffee and watching
the singular fragments of leaves on fire          
falling from the trees
to whirl softly before landing on the ground

i want to, go fishing on a pier sitting over a lake
on a fresh spring morning
just to catch a fish with you                              
name it something ridiculous
and release it back into the wild, so i can say that we
officially domesticated a wild animal together    

i want to, go and see a kiddy movie in the theaters
so we can sit in the front row and watch  
while feeding each other popcorn                              
then wait till the end of the rolling credits, when everyone else is gone
before racing each other
up the stairs and pushing the doors open to outside                

i want to, stand in the supermarket                          
drawing little faces on the condensations and                                
light heartedly bickering with you in front of the freezers
about the right flavor ice-cream
for our movie night on your couch at home                            
before deciding on purchasing both of them

i want to, stand under a light pole                        
on a mild summer night
with crickets as our backing music                              
the moon our only audience, and dance slowly
like the world doesn't exist outside of the small                      
pool of light at our feet

some of the many innocent things i want to do with you...

i was brutally attacked      
                                    the other day
though people were unable to see my wounds                                                                      
           i was assaulted by                                  words            
strung together in careless sentences

                                                                           they made vicious weapons
                                                                         of various differences
these word solders lined up                              
ready and eager                                                  
when they attacked                                            
it was      graceful and ruthless                                                            

the solders              
                                                                                     burnt
my mind          
                                                                      slashed
my self-consciousness                                  
left my feelings                    
                                                                                     gasping for breath
pummeled my heart                                                                                

the      wielder     of these       word solders
     was        blind         to my        brimming tears
                                          and        hurt expressions

as my attackers continued      
                                  to rip my insides

i had to                                          
protect my fort
from      further damage              

i      ushered      my mind into a       cellar,
carried my                                          
self-consciousness and gasping feelings    
                                                              into the doors of my heart
here:                
it was total lockdown
windows   were                            shuttered
doors    were                          double locked

my     retreat     was    noticed
they now knew damage was done
but not the
                              spectrum it was on
they knew enough to see                       it hurt.

they strolled up to my heart in      lock-down
slowly     with a     white flag
      as they came closer i                                                             unlocked and looked    
through the peephole
there they were
asking    "what's wrong?"
saying     sorry    in a       roundabout way

i      opened   the door for them to       enter
we      embraced
i took a      closer look at the     flag
                                                                             it was           white
but around the edges
                                                                             it was               red

there would be  more attacks  where this came from

//... //

i wake from a nightmare,
a nightmare where i was alone.
i was cold,
frozen to the bone,
and in a lightless place.

...

i feel my love behind me,
not quite touching,
but there all the same.
my heart flutters in happiness,
still recovering from the scare i got.

...

i can sense them like a detached limb,
i always know where they are.
they haven’t moved in a while,
they must be in a deep slumber.

...

i realize its freezing,
roll over and snuggle closer to my love,
a comforting smell,
a warm body.
there’s nothing.

...

i reach my fingers out further,
timid.
still nothing.
only more coldness.

...

i stretch my limbs out to resemble a star fish.
touching all corners of my bed.
my heart wavers,
i remember.

...

they were never there.
i never had them beside me,
never had been in love.
it wasn’t a nightmare,
it was real.  

...