they asked me what i am grateful for.
i think of you.
and that smile.
and those eyes.
and that voice...
a person could drown in all of those
simple features that
make you you.

i am so thankful for you.
for you being alive.
for you being here, with me.
for you being the one who
saved me from myself.

thank you.
keep safe over the holidays and
have a wonderful thanksgiving
without me, dear.

What I did not know, was
what would come next in our
conversation. We usually do
not talk about deep things, but
I started running out of questions.
I know your favorite color and I
know how you met your first
husband. So, what was there left
to ask of you? Well, certainly I
would of course find a way to
ask you something.

The question I asked was simple:
What is the worst thing that has
ever happened to you?
Now, ladies and gentleman I did not
expect what came out of her mouth next
due to the fact that I asked the question
nonchalantly. But, instead she looked at me and
said, "I was *****." She then gulped and
looked me straight in the eyes and began her
story, one in which that I had to hurry and text my mother for
to tell her I'd be a few minutes late because I knew I'd
end up telling her mine. She told me about how it was in
high school and how scared she was.
About how terrible it was and that
was why she started self harm.

I shivered at the thought:
we are so alike.

Mostly in good ways, but I hate that she has been through
so much that I have. That we share that same pain.
I told her about how sorry I was and about what
happened to me. That one of my other teachers was
that only reason I was even standing here to be able to
tell this story today.

I then wished her goodnight and told her we could
talk again if she would like, because it felt nice to
talk to someone who understood and
did not look at me like I was a
mere child.

This was on the 2nd of December, and I wish I
would have been able to stay longer to say
all the things that I really wanted to say.
Maybe sometime in the future we will
talk things over, because they really do
settle my mind.

yesterday i asked him for his favorite quote.
i wanted to make him something close to
his heart, something he could cherish and
love. something that he could fill up,
not only with the drink of his choice but with
his wisdom. knowing his lips will touch the rims
of my gift will be the closest i will ever get to the
full lips that brings my spirits higher than life itself.

he asked for another day to be able to think of a quote,
and i of course let him have it. after all, he has given me
all the days ahead of me. he deserved that much.
when i passed him in the hallway, he held out a paper and said,
"are you ready for it?" and i smiled, rushing down the hallway saying,
"yes yes thank you!" and i ran to the classroom to get my bag but then
i looked down to his messy handwriting that i find extremely adorable.
on the paper he wrote,"No one is born hating another person because
of the color of his skin, background, or religion. People must learn hate,
and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes
more naturally to the human heart than its opposite."

It was said by Nelson Mandela.
I smiled because I thought of how just yesterday I decided that
that same quote was my favorite as well.
I guess we do really have much in common.

I told him that I really loved this quote and I even thanked him.

How does one tell the man she loves that her human heart is feeling so much love for him?

They said I needed to start
caring about myself and
not care about others.

I care about myself.
I'm better than ever.
I'm not happy...
but I'm not sad.
Why do they care anyways?

Yes, I do try and take care of others.
But, that's just who I am.
I love being the one who brings someone
else's spirit up.

But, apparently it is only making me worse?

Take away my phone,
Take away my life,
Take away anything.

To be honest, they are things I
can live without.
Yeah, they make life easier,
but, I am focused on getting the
**** away from y'all to be submerged in
my social life anyways.

So, dear parents, punish me and tell me that
I need to stop caring for others.
I've already gotten caring for y'all off the list,
who wants to be next?

he gave me a christmas present today.
a coffee cup and some toys.
sounds childish, but i really
appreciate anything that
lights up and sings.

he came next to me and said,
"i have a gift for you."
i walked next to him and
he put in it my hands and said,
"everyone deserves toys, even
when they're a bit older."
and smiled so wide.

i looked up at him and said,
" thank you. thank you so much."
and opened up my arms because
this time i would be the one who
embraced him.

i honestly didn't want to let go.
he makes me feel safe.
he is what home should feel like.
he is a wonderful and lovely person.
and i just cannot get enough of him.

beneath the star-struck, eternal vast,
    painted black, blue-grey black -
voices blister of the past.

haven't felt this way in quite some time.
    the restless nights. this cold, empty bed.
unrhythmic breaths flood my chest
    as I watch my mother die
                         for the second time.

it's moments like these you never forget.
    find yourself waking in a cold, hot sweat.
mind tracing every syllable, every breath;
    remembering every word you should have said.

with eyes like a beating heart;
   smells of daisy wanderlust.
soul-fire like passion's spark;
   worn-out smiles like last night's luck.