i can start every sentence with
if i were beautiful . . .
and i still won't be

but if i write enough poetry
at least i'll have something beautiful
to show for myself.

i fell again, the same wounds
they opened up.
took pieces of me away
took me away
took away my mask,
the happiness everyone was used to  
the smile faded

my body is a vessel that can't handle my emotions no longer
they spill out of me
my eyes- tears fall
my fingertips- i hold on too strong or not at all
my lips- chapped
my hugs- full of something.. longing
my emotions are showing in everything i do
i can't stop

i am exposed
i am raw to the bone

every feeling that touches me makes me fall
every comforting word makes me doubt
every hand to hold lets go

no one to turn to
no one understands
no ones comfort is enough anymore

even when i reach out
even when i try to get help
there's always something else
sorry i can't talk to you right now, i'm high as ****

the people i thought i could rely on, i can't
the people i love, don't get it
the people that have been there from the start- everybody's too consumed in their own lives
who am i to disturb them?

all i feel is pain
all i feel is the ghostly lips of the past on my forehead
..telling me to let go
all i feel is negativity

i'm too far gone
too far in
too late

sleep doesn't heal me anymore
drugs are no good

everything good that has been in my life
the good i've built for myself
has been spread upon the skin of others
has been left in the places i can no longer go
the places that hold my secrets
the places i left my feelings with

i'm emotionally raw
vulnerable
and i just want to be relieved

i've been strong
i'm tired of fighting

When I was with you
I couldn't speak
I couldn't open up

When you left, I learned
I learnt how to share
I learnt how to speak
I learnt how to express myself

It's what I thought would keep you around,
It would make you stay
Unfortunately it wasn't

But yet I'm still here expressing myself and I wonder why some people have such a hard time doing so

You see
I applaud you, you stayed with me that long
Even with my inability to communicate my feelings, my desires, everything.
You we're everything to me

I fell for you,
I fell into you
I got stuck and you left me

-

Here I am now
I'm with another boy
I adore him, I do
But he can't communicate

As much as I want him to speak
he won't, he can't
He's not good at it

I'm just learning how to open up, and it's hard
I don't know how to coax him out
I don't know if he's worth the trouble
I wasn't worth the trouble, even when I did learn
there's always someone better

I don't know what to do
I feel helpless
I don't need this,
I've found myself a new home, in my insecurities

But I understand, I do
And I don't give up
It's not what I'm good at

I fight and I make it through
You will too
Please fight
Don't leave

Wake up every day: Can't get out of bed
Feel like I've been chewed up, spit out, and landed on my head.
All the blood rushing through, leaving my mind black and blue
And what I'm left with is feeling helpless, without a single clue.

Try to rise up, but, these sheets are made of glue
My rubber mind bounces my sanity and I'm stuck to thoughts of you
Even though I'm trying to prove I can improve
I'm still stuck in this same ******' place I can't move

As I lay stripped away to my basic DNA
I reflect upon the past wishing only changes for today
But what I learned from the time my heart had me enslaved is that
Working towards tomorrow ***** the life out of today

So, act on true intentions
Don't let dismay be a distraction
Any emotion can kinetically push any dying dream into action
If you're feeling like you're gasping for air in this cold ocean
Just remember that only your own will can preserve your life when...

All the weight that you carried and never bothered showin'
All these lessons you taught yourself, you though aided your growin'
But they just stretched you seven different ways
Leaving you with six more demons that you must face

Now that who you are and who you play finally meet face to face
You can run to lead the race instead of shoving your foot in your face
Self-censorship is what grasps your legs
Keeping you shackled in this dark, dismal, place

Start fresh, I'll use resentment for the best
Remove the weights that held me down, revealing the hole in my chest
I stagger to the bathroom just to make sure,
That all these trials that I have endured

Haven't changed how I appear, as I gaze into the mirror
I realize that the real lie is that I was ever here
Great job, you finally managed to face your fears
Now, let's see how you do against a jury of your peers

My judge holds me in contempt again
No attorney can defend my end
When the time comes for my plea I'll say: "It was anything but innocent"
But, I surely did it with no intent
I never gave myself consent
To hide behind these masks that turned me into my own deadly sins

Now I lay here with no breath
Facing almost certain death
Licked by the flames of my forged hell, with no peace, I will not rest
Until I climb out of this pit
And I finally forget
That I ever had the urge to toss my towel and forfeit
**Don't Quit.
Forget.
Forgive.
Live.

Its a brand new day,
I awake to my mind in clutter,
Same routine, different day,
I shower my sorrows in cold water,
As I step out, I carry on with my daily mask society has given to me,
Argueing to myself saying what I do isn't right,
But, clearly nothing in life is given to you,
So I serve relentlessly, not thinking at all about the consequences,
As I see new faces and meet new people I say,
"Hello, nice to meet you, I AM your local street pharmacist."


{RP}