Days that cannot bring you near
or will not,
Distance trying to appear
something more obstinate,
argue argue argue with me
endlessly
neither proving you less wanted nor less dear.

Distance: Remember all that land
beneath the plane;
that coastline
of dim beaches deep in sand
stretching indistinguishably
all the way,
all the way to where my reasons end?

Days: And think
of all those cluttered instruments,
one to a fact,
canceling each other's experience;
how they were
like some hideous calendar
"Compliments of Never & Forever, Inc."

The intimidating sound
of these voices
we must separately find
can and shall be vanquished:
Days and Distance disarrayed again
and gone
both for good and from the gentle battleground.

So you left and I got into a car and drove up to the hills.
I drenched my eyes in the green hues of the trees and
drank the misty air.
I filled my lungs with fresh emotion and said,
"Oh boy, where have I been?"

I put my feet in the water, and felt the feelings gush in.
I felt my cheeks turn wet and my eyes raining
and you come flashing into my mind--
yes, I regret it--
I regret you.

You arise from phoenix ashes and hide beneath the bed.
You are a knife stuck in my chest, twisting in with every heart beat.
You are a lost opportunity and a scar on the wrist.
You are my lost love.

So what if you are sorry, you think I care that I have become
a part of the dust neath your carpet, struggling to revive.
Yes, I would like to hurt you, and hurt you so badly
you feel the need to caress me again.

I drove up to the hills, a place where you are not
and I realized, that happiness is really just sitting down and eating
cheap Chinese out of melamine plates and putting your feet in the water
and thinking we'll learn from our mistakes.

I want you to understand
How long two years is
Seven hundred thirty days
Longer than five hundred, but less that one thousand
Two years is the chorus of Seasons of Love,
Sang twice.
Two springs
Two autumns
Two winters
And two summers.

Two years is the curving and twisting path
That leads up
To the crests and valleys of triumph and frustration
Which, ultimately,
Leads back to your eyes.

The summer breeze used to smell of you
But, in these two years, it smells like defeat and
Regret and remorse and
Climate change and my sneezes.

Winter used to take me back
To your penmanship
Your bold faced, shouted, loopy cursive
Declaring that yes, you love me
And that you hope that I like this book.
Winter now, is cold solitude
That seems to never fully dissipate
Not even for a moment
In two full years.

I don't remember spring,
Or autumn
You were never in the liminal.
You were black, or white
Unstoppable, or silent
Hopeful, or bitter
All solstice
And no equinox

Two years is as long as the strands of your influence
And the reach of my memory
Which I try to hold out to and touch
But it is intangible, and vague
So I flinch away

Two years is the quiet ambivalence
That penetrated all the levels of my consciousness to no end
All you, you
Always you

Two years is the pain of recall
The suffering of unforgetting
Which cannot be drowned out
By bitter alcohol in the throat
Or burned out
By fire in the back of the tongue

I remember you told me
That you were scared of pain.
I told you I live for it
And you called me Optimus Prime
So when you wonder
Why I never called
It is because I am Optimus Prime,
I will die, if you ease the pain
As I have lived for two years.

I want you to know
That I am not sorry.
At least not today
When your name is mentioned in the TV,
I switch channels
Because they almost always say that you are dead
Which is half-credible.

How long is two years?
Long enough, I guess
But not nearly long enough to forget your words,
Or find someone new.

Why would you waste your memories,
On someone like me?
Im not what you think,
Im not what you see.

Im not always happy,
Never have been.
My mind is a mess,
Please help me become clean.

These smiles that show
Mean nothing, they're fake.
I dont care anymore
Just take away my ache

You deserve  so much better
Like the princess over there.
Help her lift her head up,
Tiara's slipping, off her hair

I dont think
That im talented, special nor sweet
I dont want you wasting time,
On a girl, known as me...

.

You could lie and say
that youre not worth it
Break your soul
And all your hopes

You could deny and say
That you're not pretty
Break your soul
And all your smiles

You could delude yourself and say
That youre nothing special
Betray yourself
And all the world

You could lie and say
That youre just fine
And waste away
as they all believe

You could lie and smile
Then giggle and laugh
But they wont notice
That inside... youre dead

I am struggling to get the words out
They are starting to feel empty, and forced

Poetry shouldn't be like that.

Poetry should be as natural as breathing
As flowing as air currents

It should pour out with power, with purpose
Unrefined, but beautiful
Not in spite of it, but because of it.

And that is getting difficult to do.

t
          ire
                    swi  
                                ngs
                                      and s    i    d     e    w    a    l   k    s      
                                                etc.
up
||
fill


my
mind
through-------------------mytime

you're so
precious
so beautiful
like diamonds only
m  o r  e    s  o

as the sun shines

d
o
w
n

n
o
p
u

the ro
cks

death and destr/ction
may devour my mind
but no one can take my time
and etc etc tire swings and sidewalks fill my mind
beauty and your lips on mine

and beautiful I think we're doing just fine

lay

down                                                 right nex
t
       o

there       sleep                                                                      well

and sleeep tightttttttt
dream soft
dream
brig
                    ht

words ****                             words bite                        

time flies
time hurts

your Hair
your per
fect
face
like  a            sun
shining
some
where

wor
ds
am
i am
i know
to seed the
farm
and let the bodies
let them go
and let me go
i'll be right                there
to see it through and throw my hands right through your hair andc cry out yes and hold you close and put your lips right on my mouth
and eject
...
hold
me
close
...
and
go
away
i
now

i'm
lonely
on
vicarious
envy
you­
only

you only you only you only you only  you only  you only  you only  you only  you only  
love me
...