I always thought we were great for each other, even though I knew good things never last..

It's so sudden like, what?
You don't even get a chance to process the pain you're about to endure.

Just yesterday they were telling you how madly in love they are with you and how the fire will never burn out.
How you'll make it and it'll be better than anything you could ever imagine.

But as soon as the clock hit midnight all those words were lost.

How can they do that?
How can one day they wake up and decide they don't want you anymore?
Is it hard for them? Do they feel bad?
Are they just not feeling well? Are they confused?

All these questions are running through your mind..
The sad thing is if they are,
then you don't need to be with the person causing them.

Love doesn't hurt when it's true, love doesn't break you.


You need to be strong for yourself,
Time will help.

I'm not saying time heals all wounds but it lessons the pain.
No they won't be completely gone, completely out of your mind.
But there will be times when you don't feel it,
when you don't feel their toxic presence.

...Just like there will be times when it's excruciating.
When you can't help but sob you're heart out.
All you do is mope,
With seemingly no way to cope.

As you walk you can feel the shards of your heart dropping and being crushed by your own feet, breaking you all over.

It will not be easy.

But look how far you've come, all the battles you've fought,
no matter if you've won or not.
You're here today for a reason,
don't let them make you wave your white flag.
You're strong even if you don't see it.

After all of this, they might come and apologize.
I'll just let you know one thing; you don't need to accept it.
You don't need to feel like the least you can do is forgive them,
As if;
It was you who caused all these horrible things to happen.
It was you who purposely made you have sleepless nights,
And no will for anything.
It was you who gave yourself that blank look in your eyes.
It was you who killed you..

Insanely, they come expecting you're accepting of their apology.
As if it's the most normal thing to do.
As if it's okay to go about breaking plates, not even bothering to clean them up.

Just leaving them there to rust away on the floor..

I think the most appropriate way to respond is:

Sorry *doesn't fix a broken plate.

I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm afraid of what's in it.
Your worst nightmares come true- truly horrific.

You can't escape it, no amount of light will help,
Once it's begun, it's inside of you- becomes a part of your self.

You'd think having someone beside you would suffice,
But what if they bring the dark? What if they are just someone who plays nice?

You can never be too careful,
Better safe than regretful.

Wish the time of pain and reminiscing would end without putting up a fight,
We should all know bad things mostly happen at night.

Maybe the restless days would then stop,
Maybe then there wouldn't be a time to sob.. just a thought.

Is it childish to have at my side, a night light?
Debatable.. but at least it illuminates the dark.
At least it gives the illusion it isn't melancholic hours, yet- it isn't night.
At least it aids my corrupted mind and bruised heart.

I'm scared of the ocean but I love getting wet,
I love the beach but I hate the sand.
And if we could, I would bet,
Our love making would make the waves stilly stand.

Entwined like seaweed,
Smooth as shells.
We both plead and then we're freed,
Muted by the seagull's *yell.

My name is a reflection of you,
The manner in which it's pronounced makes it all the more true.

My talk is a reflection of you,
The accent in which I speak in is all you- a sign of a sick tribute.

My walk is a reflection of you,
The way my left foot follows my right, and how my thighs are placed together- never bidding adieu.

My sleeping schedule is a reflection of you,
How I stay up in fear of you coming but not being seen by a rescuer- always out of view..

My thoughts are a reflection of you,
Paranoic and the over-analyzation of everything following through.

My mirror is a reflection of me,
Tainted, shattered, distorted- indefinitely.

I've started drinking just to lose coherence.

I've started holding back because without you there's no ******.

I've started smoking just to make sure I'm actually breathing once it becomes increasingly difficult.

I've started popping pills just to numb the feel of my barely there pulse.

I've started gulping down red bull just so when my heart hurts I'm able to find it.

I've started building walls just to replace the bridges once built.

I've continued to scar myself just to make sure I still feel.

I deemed it all fit since your absence, the only things that're real.

I am not feeling anything,
I am numb.
My heart is encased in something so impenetrable,
Not even I can set it free.
As I lay, I try to feel,
Even the tiniest bit of emotion,
Impossible.
I'm searching for something, anything.
A tear to roll down my face, some hair pulling...

I hear the faintest palpitation of a heart beat.

Get me a doctor, a cure-er,
A poet, a writer.
Someone who can either give me drugs to help cope or stitch me up with a pen.
I'll wait, I'll even count to ten...

...

Didn't think so,
What now?
Do I cut myself open,
Just to test if I bleed?
Or do I keep feigning cares?
Want me to repeatedly say I Love You,
With a blank stare?

Don't call me emotionless, heartless, etc.
I hate it when people point out the obvious.
Use new adjectives,
Like scarred, or a giver-upper, a try-hard,
You know, something that isn't easily seen on the surface.
Something you have to search deep to discover.

What if you dig deep enough and find a treasure?
Imagine finding gold and pearls.
You've set me free, I'm finally happy.
But I'd hate to imagine what comes after.
After you discover what I'm made of,
Will your motives change?
Before it was to help now it's to use me.
Now you want to lather yourself in my riches until I've run out straight to the core.
Might even nibble on what's left,
And then I am left.
As always.
Left for dead.

I heal bit by bit,
I don't remember anything.
I feel hollow but start filling up with nothingness.
I feel softness but only for a split second until that all too familiar hard shell forms.

I'm back.
I feel normal in this terrifying state.
I want to feel, I want to touch and taste and rejoice but-
there's nothing.
No matter how hard I try.

All too soon I hear some news,
Some poor soul hit rock bottom after being rotten rich.

Don't come seeking for comfort in me,
Don't try and use me for your selfish needs.
Just like you I am needy, a loner,
I am a sucker fish hoping to find and taste even the smallest amount of life,
A roamer, searching for *something, anything.

I'm broken,
Wishing someone will realize, but no one notices.
I'm hurt,
Hope you choke on all your cursed jokes and words.
I'm alone,
Whether it's my fault or yours is unknown.
I'm done,
But pills, blades, and shots don't always fulfill their purpose.
I might as well live this life tragically numb,*
And fight all these urges.

I was never taught how to love,
It was never shown to me.
What was taught was a false sense of love,
One that from such a young age, made me lose faith in humanity.

I was taught money bought forgiveness,
Blows symbolized your adoration for them.
I was taught such ugliness and bitterness,
Where there was once innocence, hatred stemmed.

I was taught all tears were true,
All apologies were honest.
I was taught to not forget was spiteful of you,
That forgiveness was a given and in your enemy you should seek solace.

I was taught pretending it never happened,
Covered up the millions of shouts.
I was taught to never dare let your soul blacken,
Even when the demons don't get out.

It's all I ever knew,
Don't accuse me of something I had no control of.
If you see and hear evil, you feel evil, do you question the sky being blue?
It isn't my fault I never witnessed love.

But

Most importantly I was taught,
Love isn't something you learn.
It's something you feel in your heart,
When it's rightfully **earned.

Everything is put into a sharper perspective at night,
Have you ever noticed the deafening loudness of the eery silence?
You start to comprehend a few things, but not quite,
You want to rebel, create a sort of defiance.

Just in time the others come out, they want to dance.
They ask you to join and promise to make you feel very alive.
You start to move, they watch you prance,
Though their stares are a bit unsettling, you abide.

You can hear your heart beat, or lack thereof,
You can feel your lungs constricting from the smoke.
You're getting carried away.. where's the sheriff?
Where's the ambulance? You're starting to choke!

Your thoughts swirl, your sight is nonexistent,
Your body crashes, you can't hear a sound.
"Don't worry, you'll be okay!" Oh, what an optimistic,
You wish you were okay, you wish you'd be found.

The others have left, you're alone now,
There's nothing around you, nothing but stars.
You were expecting the time of your life, a big wow,
Silly you, thought you knew, nothing good ever happens in The Dark.

The road is long, rough, tough and winding, it needs a pair of strong and stable feet,
And though I despise anything man-made, I might need and have to learn to accept an automobile to help set me free.
This road is forever engraved in my mind. It just lingers, sort of like fog and I am stuck with this altered and tainted view for the rest of my life. Seems like there's no other way.
It's the road I always go back to, and sometimes the fog clears up, it clears up for seasons time, but it comes back, *always and all day.

Ever notice something and sit there awe struck?
For years I sat and cursed my seemingly bad luck.
Why wouldn't anyone stay? Why was I unworthy of?
How come I was alone? Where was my one true love?

People would come and go, I learned to not shed a tear,
Cold hearted- I know, but I guess I outgrew that fear.
I couldn't picture myself genuinely happy with someone,
All I saw was a loner with no one beside them in the long run.

One day, out of the blue, a collage of memories was thrown at me,
Every person that disappeared was remembered, every heartache felt anew.
I came to the horrid realization that the moments I unconsciously suppressed,
Were of *me leaving before I was left.

It's crazy how things happen.. You meet someone and all is great.. They make you laugh, blush, smile, daydream, plan ahead. You can trust them so easily even though that's so hard to do. You both can have deep meaningful conversations and it isn't weird because you make each other feel comfortable. You feel yourself developing feelings- even the tiniest bit. At first you don't know what to do.. You relate to each other on a whole other level so you just go with the flow, you look forward to them being a part of your day, someway somehow. Then you realize you look forward to them too much.. You put too much faith on them, expect too much and so the littlest of things disappoint you. That's when you're sure you know how it'll end. That's when you overthink and ruin things. That's when you let another one get away.. unfairly.

I need to make changes for the better,
I need to get out from under this stormy weather.
Given, I love the rain and thunder,
But, sometimes too much is enough and I need to take cover.

I need to go away- with the option of return, though..
I need time to mend these jagged edges and end these sorrows.
I might hurt some, this process will be painful and slow,
I know my heart will ache and wither, but at the same time it'll grow.

I need to be forgiven,
I need to make amends.
Fix these broken bridges with the pillars I've dreamt,
Tear down these walls and pave open roads with resilient cement.

I need and want many things,
I've been left with a feeble and fragile whim.
I need a couple endings to signal new beginnings.
But, most of all, I needingly want to feel whole again.

I feel like I'm always going to be alone, mentally and physically.
But then I get to thinking and realize I'm so young, yes I feel old but I'm so very young. Someone/something might come into my life that'll fill that void tomorrow, next year or in a decade. We're alone for a reason, to better ourselves, to have to do so because going into anything incomplete will never leave you whole. You need to be whole to be able to share a part of yourself because everything takes something from you and when you're at pieces you can't afford that to happen, you don't have enough to let that happen.
Everything has a process, some longer than others. Some of us are complex broken glass and some of us are just a simple incomplete puzzles.
Regardless, we'll find the pieces, we'll take as much time as we need because patience is a virtue we can't live without. Being realistic is another crucial one. We need good balance because the wrong type of balance has a tiring and heavy weight that'll only crush you into more pieces.
We don't have control over anything but ourselves, and even thought it might not seem like it, it's up to us to decide how we complete ourselves.
Of course being whole isn't something we know or know how to acquire, especially if we've never been but once you're there, and you can only get there with the right steps, you'll know. I'm far from it, I know it'll take years and years for me to feel whole, but I'm good with incomplete, I've learned to accept it, and that helps. I don't believe in luck or chance, I know whatever is meant for me won't miss me and whatever isn't won't ever hit me.
Be accepting, balanced, realistic and patient.

We commit many errors, through misadventures.
We do things we're not supposed to, out of pleasure.

We choose to forget, we don't want to remember,
Then complain about not knowing ourselves- being our own transgressors.

All because we're

*Old enough to know better,
Young enough to do whatever.