looking into your eyes for the first time reminded me of when i was 9 and i nearly drowned in a deep end of an ocean, it felt like my mind going to a place i didn’t know existed. there’s a compartment in my head saved for disasters and it held all my darkest emotions and panic, that compartment was sealed with a door and the fear of drowning and losing all my oxygen swung that door open while all those emotions made a show of making me feel like i was going through a slow death.
looking into your eyes for the first time felt like that slow death.
i was gasping for air, for anything familiar to save me from losing myself, my entire being, but the oxygen was running out and all i could see was blue.
looking into your eyes for the first time felt like that exact shade of blue.
then it all started to go dark, and that’s the moment you give in and just sink into the waters. i felt free, of everything, my body was weightless and my heart beat slowed. i gave in to not being. i gave in to letting the waves take me where i needed to go, a place that was free of all the resistance.
looking into your eyes for the first time took me to that place.
looking into your eyes for the first time deprived me of oxygen but your eyes are all i needed to breathe
i was pulled out of the ocean and into the sand, coming back up to see the sun wasn’t what your eyes felt like
because i’ve been drowning in you ever since

i’ve always seen you as blue, as the oceans that i crave
you’re something out of coral reefs and beings that live under a thousand weights of the world
the way you yearn for the surface whenever sunlight seeps through the waters of your essence and right into your soul
you find the world heavy and in one colour, all of it aqua and transparent
you don’t see that you, yourself, are the tides that hug the shore in affection that makes anyone that looks at you out of breath
the oceanic feel of you creates a desire in me, a desire for the way the sun bleeds colors into the world that blend right in with you
i can’t differentiate between you and the shades the skies create
you hold the crushing force of the tides in the atlantic and the tranquility of crystal clear waters
you come from a deep blue paradise, a heaven that was created personally to fulfil every perfect image i've ever wished for
i found sapphires in your eyes, leaving me out of breath
the limitless pacific is the only way i see you, your beauty so out of reach and so out of sight
sailing in the waves of your mind, the thoughts that create the seas in you, that’s what i’ve been longing for
you’re the fantasies i have of beautiful endings, your soul as blue as the oceans of your heart.

you know that feeling when going home after a long perfect day? and all you can feel is that contentment and reassurance that you’re going to be okay?
you’re that feeling
you’re a sunrise that has taken a physical form and you have the galaxies hidden in your lungs
every time you speak the stardust inside you envelops those around you and they’re permanently changed by your smile
how can you not see the effect your beauty has on lost souls?
they go blind just looking at you, that’s how bright you are
you are my actual worldly joy
when all is lost you are what i find
you’re what keeps that waves of trauma at bay
you keep me afloat when i beg you to let me drown
you’re my natural saviour

high
informal
feeling euphoric, especially from the effects of drugs or alcohol.

people mistake euphoria for a feeling caused by chemicals that alter the thoughts in your brain
a high is the feeling you get from standing in a beautiful place breathing the air of freedom you’ve been craving for decades
a high is the feeling you get when your chest is almost going to burst from all the good feelings that are drowning your heart when you’ve only been used to pain
a high is the feeling you get after a long night of dancing under the night sky in the crisp fall air and tearing up because you reached that point where you finally felt like the world was putting your pieces back together
a high is you sitting on a patio overlooking the city lights in a breathtaking place and writing away your feelings on paper because you feel too good so good insanely you can’t keep it in
a high is the way you feel when the universe gives you those rare moments of feeling whole, of feeling like you’re going to be okay
the moments you’re so afraid of are what put your mind into that euphoric state that takes you to places you’ve never known before
highs are forms of love, love for life, love for moments that make your empty chest feel like its full of life again.

here’s how it works, my empty chest and empty heart start listening to the whispers of my mind, the darkness in there reaches them and garbs on tightly till the pain starts, i’m lying in bed and i feel like my ribcage is filled with colours i can’t explain, colours i don’t want, colours that aren’t mine and i want them to spill out of my chest but all that comes out is the blue hues in form of sadness & tears. the blue only finds its way out through my eyes, not letting me close them for a second of rest. i think you’re what made the blue in me, because my violet is no where to be found and i’m consumed by the feeling of you. how do i get you to leave me? please, i want some rest from the constant pain that my mind loves to cause me. baby, you’re the constant pain in my head, don’t you get that? leave me, leave my body, take your blue being and make something out of yourself somewhere other than my chest. i’m trying to write you out but i don’t think it’s working. you’re finding your way out of my eyes again & now all i think of when i look at them is the words you spoke to me about them. my eyes died the moment yours met mine, i haven’t been able to revive them since. blue baby tell me, how do i rest again? tell me, would you leave with me?
my soul is begging me for rest
maybe i need to grant it it’s wishes
the blue made its way through my bloodstream, where are the colours that once made me?
what am i consisting of now, other than you?
leave me.
let me leave myself if that’s what it takes.

rain.
that’s what she is.
she’s the gathering of clouds that make the whole world shiver.
she’s the way people look for their loved ones when the skies turn grey. she’s the cuddling under warm blankets in front of windows that overlook the world outside starting new.
rain is fresh starts and comfort and dancing in a weather that makes your bones grow cold just for the thrill of it.
rain is her.
she’s the beauty of the sky washing over the world and erasing the sorrows of the past days.
she’s the grey in the atmosphere and her thoughts are the rainstorms that cleanse away the darkest parts of us.
she’s the sun breaking through the clouds after an avalanche of melancholy.
she’s all the beautiful feelings that downpour and engulf you until you’re left breathless and begging for more.

saturday morning with 2 things on my mind, the calmness of the world at this time and your spirit
if i could compare you to a feeling i’d say you’re the way my thoughts shut down and my heart beat slows and the way my life becomes clear in those few calm moments right when the sun is rising, drinking a cup of coffee that i made myself and sitting in a quiet room with light streaming into my core, you’re the feelings of contentment and satisfaction and utmost comfort
and baby, you’re the warmth of the sunlight and the relief of a new day

for R.

your existence is a celestial body of bursting colours that’s unable to be absorbed by simple mindsets
i remember the first time i caught a glimpse of you and how i felt your soul radiate in a way that no other soul ever has
i wasn’t able to sense anyone’s spirit but yours was yearning to be noticed by my dull eyes
your essence was begging to be admired by mine and i took it all in until the stars in my eyes matched the galaxies that are your thoughts
you are a heavenly body of perfect moments sewn together by gravity
you are otherworldly and unnaturally magnetising
i was captivated by the dazzling assemblage of your emotions that make you you and i can’t help but get ****** in by the aliveness of you
explaining how it felt to be painted and soaked in the colours that made you would take all the synonyms in the world
but if i could tell you one thing it would be that i have died as soon as i saw you
i lost my heart beat and my breath and everything i thought i knew about my life
i’ve lusted over death for so long and you’ve taught what it feels like not to be alive
my spirit left my body in yearning for a glimpse of the world you lived in
i got lost trying to grasp the idea of how you existed in the millions of constellations that make up my universe
i got lost in the constellations of you and now i know, i can never find my way back

she radiates of mystery but i have her figured out
her hands told me everything
they told me how she’s the way she is because the world wasn’t kind to her
her shoulders told me that they’re getting tired of carrying the weight of her past around
her lungs told me how they’re growing weaker and weaker every time she tries to exhale her stress out of her system
her bones told me they’ve become brittle from trying to hold her pieces together
her mind told me that it keeps getting darker in there, it’s begging me to save it
her eyes scold me for getting too close and trying to look into them, telling me to look away before i become another thing they have to watch her destroy
her legs are begging for forgiveness for all the times they made her walk away when all she wanted to do was stay
her heart doesn’t make sense anymore, i’ve been trying to understand it
her soul is the quietest of all, merely existing but not living, caring but not loving, just short of having the strength of taking her where she needs to be
i hear all of her speak to all of me in ways i’ve never imagined and every part of me is begging her to let me in to reassure hers
i’ll tell her hands that i’ll be kind to her from now on, i’ll give her all the love she deserved but didn’t get
i’ll tell her lungs to hang in there, i’ll take her stress from her and i’ll make it my own
i’ll tell her bones that i’ll hold her pieces together for her, they need a break anyway
i’ll tell her mind that i’ll be her light if she lets me, please let me
i’ll look into her eyes and tell them i’m not afraid of her destruction
i’ll tell her legs that i’ll forgive them for her, i’ll forgive her on behalf of everyone, i’ll have faith in her in behalf of everyone
i’ll tell her heart to take a break, it’s been through enough
and her soul, i’ll give it a reason to want to come alive again
to want to love again
i’ll be her strength when all she wants to do is be weak
i’ll hold her together when all she wants to do is fall apart
i’ll make the mess in her head clear up enough for her to feel the way she used to again
i’ll help her fall for every part of her, the exact same way i did

my blood rushes and my hands grow cold to the sound for your name
i adored you for so long my heart stopped working for anyone but you

you're everywhere
you're everything
you're in my mind in my heart in my eyes in the way i breathe
you're the first thought when i wake up in the morning
you're the breezy spring air and the way the sun bleeds colours into the world every time it leaves
you're the sad melodies that hit you in all right places
you're the darkness that grips me every time the lights are off
you're the aching in my bones when i'm too far away from home
you're the pieces of myself that i give away to other people
you're the melancholy in empty dark roads
you're the metaphor used to describe self destruction
you're in my veins
you're on my neck
you're in my eyes in my mind you're every single ******* breath i take
you're everywhere
you're everything in me
you've become a part of me i can't cut away
but i'll keep trying
I'll tear my skin apart if it means getting rid of every single thing you consist of
even if it means losing myself, i'll risk losing myself to lose you.

i’ve reached the drowning stage
it’s when i realise how deeply in love i am with your darkness
it’s when it completely takes me over and dims all of my lights
it’s that moment of complete suffocation when i think of how i can’t sit in a dark car alone anymore because the image of you using me to numb out your emotions keeps replaying in my head
it’s when i realise that your flaws are all i’m going to look for in everyone i ever care for
it’s when i think of how the stars sparkle and how they never matched your dead beat eyes
it’s when i can’t stand the brightness of anyone’s soul because your gloominess sneaked its way into me
its when i always think of you at dusk and crave your emptiness
it's you, it's always going to be you.

she’s the kind of girl you yearn to be
the one you meet once but becomes eternal in your thoughts
she’s more powerful than hope and more astonishing than the colors in the horizons when the world goes peaceful
she’s that stillness you feel in your bones when you’re staring at a star lit sky
she’s the way the clouds break after a long rainy day
she’s the feeling of reassurance in human form
she’s all that is good in the world and all that is true
her colors show in clear rays that bring warmth to your soul
she’s resplendent, with everything that makes her.

for R.

average is all i’ve ever known. i have average looks average grades average relationships with average people and it was all very black and white for me until you came around with all your ****** up colors and made me doubt everything i thought i knew because there was nothing average or expected about your bright eyes or the way you reach for my trembling hands when you think you can give me what i want

you thought that i was going to let you in regardless of everything that i’ve been through and i couldn’t blame you because i wanted more and i made it clear but when your fingertips brushed my skin for the first time and i felt that deep ache in my chest i swore to god i wouldn’t watch you breathe anymore because you were a mistake waiting to happen

but your darkness gripped me in every single ******* way possible and i can’t breathe unless i feel the warmth of your body beside me and i’m addicted to the pain you’re always trying to spread around

and now my loneliness should be a synonym for suffocation because being without you has blown all of the air out of my lungs but knowing you was like someone painting my irises in colors that nobody ever thought existed and i can’t see anything the way it was before