Friendships aren't meant to fade away,
but it just goes away someday.
And in between this gradual process,
you'll know,
who's real and who's fake ?
They'll be there at 2 am for you,
losing their sleep,
just to make you feel free,
when you feel miserable about everything.
Just because they've a lot of work to do in the afternoon,
they'll manage their time.
But life **s us up every time,
and maybe they won't be able to catch up or meet you for months.
But their hugs will always feel like home,
when you meet them,
and that's on being best of friends.
They'll be a symbol of trust, love and loyalty in your life.
Someone who will always be around,
not physically,
but their presence in your life will make you feel fine in your bad times.

Someone said this,
"Don't be sad because nobody cares ".
"It's okay ti be sad,
just don't become more sad by expecting people to care about you.
It's your life.
It's your feelings.
People don't get to decide what you should be feeling ",
I corrected.

Self absorbed people annoys the * out of me,
just by being around.
I'm so tired of your *,
aah ! you're so toxic.
Don't you realize that I'm a person too,
and I feel different emotions ?
I'm hurt but I'm not dying for attention like you,
some feelings just don't feel so certain,
some thoughts runs in my mind with every breathe.
But it doesn't really matter I guess.
Because I'm supposed to pretend like everything's fine,
as you wanna make everything about yourself every time.

Lying on the floor,
wondering why I've got this life.
My heart has been broken my so many,
but healed my none.
I've tried my best every time.
I've tried picking those pieces and handling them over to someone,
and that's where I always go wrong.
And I don't know if all of this is making me more strong or,
just makes me numb everyday.

Just a maths class led to an incomplete story,
maybe they were just not meant to be.
They had so much in their mind,
but didn't say a word.
They can't bear this pain,
how do they even explain ?
As their feelings were never conveyed,
and now all they do is regret,
because they can't see any hope.
They didn't express.

My biology teacher said this,
"Just because someone is able to tolerate something painful,
that doesn't make the pain any less ".
And that hits close to home.

Tired of this everyday *,
oh god ! Get me a life to live.
This feels like a rat race.
I don't even wanna fight to win.

Giving up but ugh I can't !
Jeopardizing my future,
just going away from my happiness,
where the * is this path going to take me ?

Not wanting to get out of my bed,
not on week days but also not on weekends.
But still doing what's destroying me,
because this is how life's supposed to be.

There's a reason behind all this,
not my real purpose,
not what I dreamed of,
but something really close to it.

Living with a hope that it's all worth it,
even tho it makes me feel like I'm dying.
I'm just ** it all up by taking bad decisions,
there's no going back.

Either live with what you've created,
or live with a regret that you didn't create what you thought you deserved.
Currently laughing at myself for being a fool,
what about you ?

To the girl from my maths class,
I sat on third seat and you were beside.
We never really talked,
but I wish I did.
Your eyes spoke a lot,
and I fell for that.
Oh yes, I did.
But after you left,
life changed.
I didn't feel like going to the class anymore.
I missed all that happiness I felt,
all of those scenarios in my head,
and all those moments I spent in your presence came,
to an end.
You were magical, I always tried making an eye contact,
but I couldn't afford it,
and I always failed miserably.
And now, I regret it.
It's been years but I still feel it.
No, I wasn't good enough for you but this conscious feeling,
in this undesirable situation,
leaves me with no hope.
But where did you even go ?
I don't know.
I want to feel every bit of me bouncing,
like it did,
when I saw you.
I wish I told you how I felt,
or maybe just a goodbye.
I'm writing this with aspirations,
I wanna make those scenarios come true.
If not true,
If not now,
then in eternity.
I'll meet you and let you know all about me.

This is from that silent girl from your maths class,
you never really knew existed.
But today,
I'm writing this,
to appreciate all those sweet memories,
to let you know about my story,
where the main role was played by you.
As you were the king in my dreams.
Yes, we'd classes together and I sat beside you,
did you even knew this before ?
I always tried to catch your brown eyes,
But I always failed.
I always turned my head back,
after staring at you for straight fifteen seconds,
because you never even looked at me.
That feeling is hard to explain,
but what if I still feel the same ?
What if your name still makes my heart beat faster,
but I just ignore because there's no point,
you consumed me and left a hole.
But I must admit that,
everything changed when I saw you,
when I realized that there's magic in your presence.
Something that made me attend the classes,
I hated the most.
Your rainbow coloured clothes,
made my body in black leather, jump,
as those love songs started making more sense,
and those flowers in the garden seemed more pretty.
You were like a blooming daisy,
in my life which felt more like a desert.
But unfortunately,
I'd to leave.
With all these feelings and words, unspoken, with me,
maybe we'll meet in after like and complete this story

Every day is for improvement,
to learn something new.
As we always get new opportunities.

Let's appreciate every moment as it is,
a light of hope in dark,
a moment of doing something what we love.
As it's the only way to be truly satisfied,
in our busy lives.

Creating something you could be proud of,
writing what you feel,
and make an impact on others lives too.

There's a reason why we're here,
somethings are just meant to be.

Do something everyday,
create a life you've always dreamed to live.

What's the point of healing ?
If I'm going to stay around toxic people and pretend like I'm doing fine ?
If I'm gonna stay at this place which breaks me ?

How am I gonna feel revealed with so much on my mind.
How do I feel like everything's going to be fine in my life ?
When all I do is cry at nights.

What's the point of all this ?
What's the meaning of living ?
Why am I even alive ?

They appreciate my smile but never see the pain in my eyes.
I just hate the fact that,
I'm just surrounded by the people with no hopes and dreams.
Just with the people, I don't even like.

Don't make me feel loved,
I'm not used to it.
I'm scared of getting all my broken pieces together,
just to get them broken again.
Aren't you scared of commitment ?
Are you sure you want to make promises ?
I'm still terrified.
So frightened that I can't even breathe in my own body.
I'm suffocating all the time.
I feel like, I''ll destroy you as my life already feels like void.

So, I've been wondering from a long time,
why do I always end up writing about sad things ?
I still wonder what makes it so enjoyable ?
It's not that I'm mentally ill or emotionally unstable.
No ! I'm absolutely fine !

I don't know what brings out my creative side.
I write because,
I like being lost so I can let my thoughts wander and set my mind free.
I like imagining myself in situations,
I just make things up in my head,
and pen it on a paper.
I like feeling others pain,
and I want readers to feel the same,
to make them realize what it's really like.

It's like I'm trying to be a sunflower but without sunlight.
A tree from spring surviving in the autumn season.
An infant with an adult's mind but with no use of it.
Maybe one day, I'll know the reason behind,
I'll know why I write.

Actually I do but one day,
my words will be capable enough to make you all understand,
what I've always had in my mind.
And this is why I write everyday.
To improve, to grow, to feel good about being alive.

Life, why have you been pretty harsh to me lately ?
O is it just me who have been harsh to myself ?
I don't know really.
I just have been ignoring my mental health totally.

But today, just for once,
I wanna be happy.
I wanna get the taste of happiness,
just a small brake from memories maybe ?

I've been through a lot of **,
but now, just for once,
I wanna feel free.
Am I escaping here ?
Yeah, maybe.

Well ! Let's try a face mask today,
or listen to something new.
Let's just forget there are problems in my life,
and dance under the moon.

I'll just count my blessings,
rather than trying to solve solutions to my mistakes.
Just for a day,
I should just let me become a child again.

Free from responsibilities to sleeping peacefully,
not caring about the way you look to not caring about anything around me.
Singing and dancing like no one's watching to being someone, I really am.

Just tell yourself everyday that,
it's okay to take rest days,
you're trying your best and that's great.
Stop stressing over small things becasue it's all gonna be okay !

I heard someone saying in a group,
" I'm going through so much,
and no one knows about it ! "
Well ! Now, everyone do !

Do you think the people you're stressing about or sharing your secrets with, really care about you ?
Because you never really know !
What if they make fun of you behind your back ?
Or make things up by using you ?
Just saying !

Be careful with who you call friends.
You think you're a priority ?
Do they really give a ** about you ?
You think your friends have got you back ?
Yeah maybe !
But what if they're fake ?
Ask yourself !
Are you ready to deal with this pain ?

It's okay if you're there for them,
in their bad days.
But do you think you'll have any of them in need ?

This may hurt you,
but this is the truth.
This one also may increase doubts,
but you just gotta be careful with who you choose /
Because not everyone have got a pure heart in this mean world !

It is what it is.
Just deal with it,
and go through it.
Maybe you need to,
to become a person you should be.
To survive and to live !

Burying it all inside everyday,
is killing me, more and more.
I don't know how to express,
who to talk to,
and how to deal with all of this anymore ?

Whenever I realize that,
I'm alone in all of this,
memories hit me hard.
Realizing that you've no one to talk to,
no shoulders to lean on.
And all you're supposed to do is,
pretend, lie about the way you feel and fake a smile.

" Is this what I deserve ?
Why is this happening to me ?
Why do I feel this way ? "
are the only thoughts I could think about.

Do I need help with all of this ?
" You're just overreacting ",
"Maybe it's just a phase ",
"Are you sure this isn't because of your periods ? "
"It's just sadness ",
that's what you're gonna say ?
But what if this feeling never goes away ?

What if I'm drowning into my own tears ?
What if I'm just ignoring my feelings ?
I wish medicines could heal the damage you've gave.
Would you even care if I die today ?
I honestly feel like,
you never did,
so yeah ! It's okay.

I'm addicted to you and you're a drug to me,
I wish I could get over you,
but I don't see it happening.
You treated me like a cigarette,
and threw me away after making yourself feel good,
but what about me now ?
My love was true,
and I still have got feelings for you,
I don't regret falling for you,
because for a moment, everything felt perfect.
That touch of you,
the way you looked at me,
and those texts of you everyday.
All of it, I loved it.

I thought you'll be a definition of forever for me,
but guess who stated losing feelings,
in three months or just two ?
I don't understand why I couldn't see that it didn't even really mean a thing to you.
I was so in love with you,
and I hope you knew about this.
But if you did,
then why didn't you understand ?
Why did you leave me hanging like this ?

I gave a lot of me to you,
in the phase where,
I was in love with you.
I still am,
but it just don't matter anymore.
It would have been absolutely fine,
all of this,
if you told me that it's just not the same.
I would have just walked away,
rather than walking with you.
I would have just cried on my pillow,
rather than leaning on your shoulder.

When I was with you,
I never knew that all of this,
will vanish away from my life one day.
I didn't knew that my dream of being forever with you,
will be snatched away from my life that way.
I could have made it alone if you rejected me,
but how do I deal with all of this now ?
Because I've got memories with you,
I've lived the most special moments of my life, with you,
something that I can never forget.

Now, I'm stuck.
I don't know how to react to all of this.
So, I'll just write about all this,
all of my pain, in my poetry.
And try to let you go,
and keep you alive only in my words and not in my mind.

I sit in a really dark room,
With no sounds around.
I let my thoughts take over me,
And crush me down.
Because everytime I fall down while feeling weak,
I get up with a new energy.
I sit in this room's corner,
Crying and sobbing,
From nothing to everything.
I can hear myself breathing heavily,
And demons in my head, talking to me.
My head hurts a lot because there's a lot going on in it right now,
But I just feel numb in the other second.
What's happening to me ?
How do I escape from all this ?
The only thing that comes into my mind,
Is to pick my pen up and a piece of paper,
And write.
This blank paper looks more like,
Amazing opportunities to me.
My pen's ink is black and dark,
And so are my thoughts.
Let's see what can I write to feel a little relieved.
Do I really need to think about why I always end up writing about sad things ?

Best friends ? No !
After what you did,
I'm sorry but our friendship isn't worth it.
I won't say that, I hate you,
because now, for me, you don't even exist.

You weren't hurt,
you were just jealous.
Your only intention for friendship with me was, getting people's attention.
I'm sorry to say this ex best friend,
but the truth is,
you always treated me like an option.

Now why are you acting like you can't live without me ?
Just because you realized that one cares about you like I did ?
I'm sorry ! But just don't come back to me,
because for me, you're already dead !

Why aren't you going to those people who were your happy place ?
And the ones who were your reason for smile ?
Where are your always changing boyfriends tonight ?
When tears don't stop coming out of your eyes.

Yes ! I was wrong !
Because I was just wasting my feelings, emotions, and time,
by thinking that you're always right.
I tried my best to make you feel good and happy by being the best friend of yours,
but maybe you were too busy with your stupid group of pretty girl.

I was always there for you in your hard times,
but you've no clue,
how many nights I spent crying in my bedroom.
I listened and also understood your moods,
when you didn't even speak !
But what happened to you that day ?
When I was screaming and explaining every little thing,
why didn't you understand me ?

It's okay if you miss me for a few days,
because you'll get new friends very soon.
But remember that, they'll never tell you what I told you.
You always try to be cool,
and end up being a fool.
Your friends, the cool ones.
they're your friends but only in front of you,
and they're your enemies at your back.
Don't forget that.

I was honest, I was loyal,
because you were my only friend.
And whenever Ii said that,
you're my best friend and my sister,
trust me, I meant that.

But now,
I'm honestly so done with your drama for attention.
This isn't what we call attitude,
but I've just raised my standards,
after I realized my true value.

Don't force me for doing anything or,
I'll **** your life up now.
Yes ! I'm moving on from a toxic friendship and,
leaving you like a choice.
I know you're gonna spread rumors,
and look all nice.

So, you better stay away from me,
because I don't see a point of giving any explanations or proofs.
Go find someone new !
But this time,
I'm not with you,
so no one is gonna save you from becoming a fool.

Just because I act fine,
doesn't mean I'm happy.
Stop fooling yourself my dear society !
I'm tired of pretending everything I'm not,
I've no shoulder to lean on.

Locking myself, trying to cry,
but today, the tears just don't come out of my eyes.
I don't know why ?
Maybe because I'm used to it ?

Staring at my room's wall blindly,
and I can feel my heart getting into pieces,
and no hope to pick and fix it.
I wish I could scream, but I'm helpless.
I'm not sad but,
angry on myself for feeling this way.

Hurting myself but,
hiding my scars by wearing long sleeves n hoodies and jackets.
It's not that no one asked me if I was okay,
but the truth is that,
no one really cared.
No one really wanted to know what's going on with me everyday.

And this situation forced me to pretend things in front of everyone.
Can anyone just teach me how to express these feelings into words ?
Because deep down,
this rough phase of life hurts !

I hold your hand to feel safe,
but you make me feel trapped.
I don't know why you stalk me all the time,
but act like a good guy.

It feels like you are just wrapping your over possessive behaviour,
by calling yourself protective.
I am sorry but I feel like you are acting totally fake,
because whatever you do,
makes you look like a detective.

You know what ?
because of you,
I started questioning my own existence.
"Why am I like this ?"
"Why am I a girl ?"

You can provide me everything,
but you can't buy love and affection,
from my heart for you.
Because you never set me free.
I wish you understood the fact that,
"A golden cage is still just a cage."

I think now this is my turn,
this is the time to turn the page.
Before you come at me,
look at yourself first.
I think you should just mind your own business and stop interferring in mine.

Why do you always get mad at me when I do things in my way ?
Why would I fit ?
If I was born to standout !
You're no one to decide for me,
that what is right and what is wrong.

This is my life,
and I am my own queen.
I have right on my life,
because you don't own me.
Yes I'm getting up to fight for my rights.
As a girl, I'll step up and take pride.
No ! I won't listen to you this time,
just do me a favour,
and leave me alone.
Go get a life you a

From strangers to friends,
Then, friends to something more,
And then, both of us just started to ignore.
as you shifted from frequently contacted to block list in my phone,
and everything we had between us,
just got vanished !

And now it's sad how we have nothing between us anymore.
I am seriously scared to catch feelings anymore !
I don't know if I am good enough for you.
Maybe you deserve someone better,
and not a mess like me.

No matter how hard I try,
memories play in my head on repeat.
I try to forget you,
but a part of me,
just don't let you go.
Youu moved on and I'm still standing here,
waiting for you to look back and say,
"are you ok my love ?"

Yes I was the one who ended it !
Because I was mad at myself,
and not at you.
Yes ! I miss you and I still love you.
But when you will come in front of me,
I'll just act like I am better off without you,
And I don't need you.

But it's really not true,
but I'll act so.
Because I accept that,
Whatever happened can't be undone.
So I'll take it as a lesson,
because you can't be forgave the forgot.

3 AM on a school night,
and I'm crying because,
I'm holding onto these emotions from too long !
I try to sleep,
But I'm failing from last 7 nights !
And now, I feel like,
I again failed today !

You get mad at me and say that,
I'm acting different from yesterday.
But why don't you understand that,
I'm not okay !
And I just don't have energy to pretend anything today !

My parents arguing over little things at home,
these bullies locking me in the washroom at school.
And that man,
following me and,
trying to attack me on my way back home.

That fear of losing everything,
but not even having a place to call my own.
I don't even know what I owe,
or who I'm anymore !

My heart aches while thinking about all this alone,
and you don't even know what can you do to help.
So, you just choose to ignore.

Hey best friend !
I love you !
So , keep smiling .
Oh ! I forgot to tell you ,
your smile is contagious ,
and it gives me felicity .
Yeah I know you expostulate with me when it comes to coffee .
But still , you're the best because ,
you're tolerating the loony and loquacious me .

Oh my best friend !
How are you so hot ?
How can I forget how you changed my life for better when ,
it was null and naught .
You saved me ,
when I jeopardized myself .
Thank you for all the suggestions and lessons .
You helped me a lot and ,
you were always there for me when I needed you the most .

I  text you even when ennui don't hit me ,
because I love talking to you .
Overall , you're my happy pill !
No matter how bad my mood is ,
you always fix me .
You taught me to smile again ,
and you enlivened  my life .
I found a piece of me ,
with you ,
I lost before some time .

Hopefully , we'll meet one day ,
and I'll hug you tight .
And , on that day ,
distance won't **** anymore .
I'm honestly so glad that I met you ,
you're all mine , okay ?
And I appreciate our friendship ,
thank you idiot !

This is to the boy I love ,
I know I **** and that's why , nothing ever works .
I don't have a ******* love life ,
but that doesn't mean , I don't wanna be loved .

You're someone special for me ,
but for you ,
do I even exist ?
Hell no ! Because I'm not attractive .

But I'm a fool for you ,
I come to school ,
just to see you .
I try to find reasons to be around you ,
I know you never notice me ,
but I notice every single thing about you .

Making an eye contact with you ,
is so dangerous !
But do I love it ?
Of course I do !
Because when it comes to you ,
I forget about everything else and ,
fall even more for you .

But you know what's stupid ? about all this ?
You're not here to catch me but I'm still falling a little more in love with you , every single second .
And maybe ,
I'll fall apart because of this , pretty soon .

I wish I could control my feelings or ,
just have the courage to tell you .
But just because I'm not good at expressing ,
all I'm gonna do is ,
sit here , thinking about you , and expect you to look at me ,
the way I do .

But deep down , I know that ,
it's not gonna happen .
So , I'm writing about you ,
because my love for you , is true !

Life may not be really good these days,
but this isn't the end of the world.
That means,
we've got time.
We can make things fine again.

Some of us are fighting with diseases,
some of us are mentally drained.
Someone is going through a heartbreak,
feeling like they're not enough.
And some are stuck in family affairs.

We all are fighting battles,
we don't talk about.
We all have faced situations,
no one knows about.
We all have stories,
we don't recite.

Let's find our mistakes,
and learn from it.
Let's face our fears,
and earn confidence from it.
Let's believe in ourselves,
and clear all the self doubts we've in our heads.

Things will be fine,
and we'll get our lives together someday.
We'll get through this and say,
"Yes ! It's my day ".

We all will smile,
which won't be fake.
We all will speak and pour our hearts out,
without feeling like it's embarrassing and inappropriate.
We all will be happy with our lives,
without complaining someday.

Maybe the time isn't perfect,
but we can make perfection happen.
By trying and giving our best in this life.
Because at some point of marvellous time,
we'll be fine,
we'll be utterly fine.

So, this year is ending,
and I've already dealt with a lot in a past two years.
No ! I'm absolutely fine,
because I'm just becoming stronger.
Let's talk about the last seven days of this decade.

25th December, 2019 :
Realizing that it's the last Wednesday of the year.
But oh ! It's Christmas today.
It don't feel like it though,
but it's okay !
I just feel dead inside everyday,
the only feeling that stayed with me haha,
and I still can't see it going away.

26th December, 2019 :
Just one day to the weekend and then, hurray !
I should plan something as it's the last weekend of the decade haha.

27th December, 2019 :
And yayy ! Today's Friday.
Little misconvenience happened this morning,
and I'm planning on getting a haircut done today.
Should I cut them like, really really short ?
Get bangs ?
Or just die them purple ?
Oh no ! Shut up ! Stupid head.

28th December, 2019 :
Waking up with a positive mind,
realizing that I feel absolutely fine.
That good feeling,
when you know that,
there are only positive thoughts around.
You feel pretty and glow different,
with new hair and soft shaved skin,
under the blanket.

29th December, 2019 :
So, my friends are asking me about my new year plans.
I don't know who to go with,
and how to celebrate.
It's been two years since I've not stepped out of my house, on new year's event.

30th December, 2019 :
Realizing that how amazing people I've met,
all the memories I've made,
it will stay with me forever.
But also, thinking of so many people I've lost,
because of my decisions and mistakes.

31st December, 2019 :
Finally this week, this month, this year, this decade, have come to an end.
Got any plans for new year ?
Nah ! Gonna sleep after watching a movie and wishing my parents.
I know that new year's not gonna change anything in my life,
till I do something to make things happen.
But still,
let's be positive and hope for the best,
may 2020 be nice to me and all of us.
Aah ! I honestly feel so blessed for everything that happened.
Bye 2019, now let's welcome this new decade.

I'm sad, I'm scared,
I'm broke, I'm hurt,
I'm an introvert.

If I'm so bad,
then why I'm not dead yet ?
I try my best,
but still I ruin the rest.

I'm a problem that can't be fixed,
it's difficult to heal,
when you don't know,
what's the deal.

I close my eyes,
but there's no sleep.
I open my eyes,
still there's no peace.

This is how it feels like,
the monsters in my head,
the darkness in my heart.

I feel empty,
I feel dumb.
Numb to emotions,
numb to love.

Life's a journey,
make or mar !
I'm proud of you that you came so far.
I understand that,
you can't sleep at home at nights,
with tears falling out of your eyes.
But you've to fight alone,,
no one's gonna stay in your life,
and yes ! You've to struggle with your demons on sleepless nights.
Chin up ! Because you're strong my love !
We all learn to get up,
when we fall at first.
It's okay to be sad sometimes,
it's just a phase of life.
Things will get better,
and you'll be fine.
Now, smile !

Don't cut yourself ,
don't hurt yourself ,
stay safe and love yourself .
Stop trying to **** the thing in the inside ,
by using a blade on yourself from the outside .
Put that blade down ,
and breathe in and out .
Nowadays , teens are just living in vain ,
struggling with this pain .
But trust me ,
this isn't the right way ,
this isn't how you make it .
Keep going and one day,
you'll say ,
"Yes ! I made it ".

Don't cut yourself ,
don't hurt yourself ,
stay safe and love yourself .
Stop trying to **** the thing in the inside ,
by using a blade on yourself from the outside .
Put that blade down ,
and breathe in and out .
Nowadays , teens are just living in vain ,
struggling with this pain .
But trust me ,
this isn't the right way ,
this isn't how you make it .
Keep going and one day,
you'll say ,
"Yes ! I made it ".

She always refused to try those DIY face masks and home remedies ,
and never took care of herself before .
But today ,
she put on a face mask ,
turned on the music a lil louder than usual ,
and tied a sleek ponytail !
You  know why ?
In order to distract herself ,
in order to escape !
No ! it's not her heartbreak ,
it's just because of a heartattack in her kidney !
Yes ! Because she found out that ,
her results of board exams were gonna come out the next day .

I grew up watching and listening to fairy tales ,
and movies of innocent love .
But things changed ,
when I entered my teenage .

I always learnt that real queens fix each other's crown ,
but today , when I look around ,
all I can see is ,
girls trying to put each other down .

I see boys having lust to cherish all the girl's body ,
rather than one's inner beauty .
Where are those caring prince charmings ,
who sticks to one girl ?

I see precocious children ,
the children whose mental attitude is developed beyond their ages .
The ones who treat the innocent ones acidly ,
all they fancy about is ,
how to ruin someone's life .
Where's kindness ? Where's humanity ?

Even home don't feel like sweet home .
And what all these kids feel is ,
loneliness and homelessness .
Why so ?
Where are those chuckles and laughter of family members in the home ?
Where's heartiness ?
Because all I get to see around is ,
parents behaving snappishly ,
and , ignoring their kids getting disconcerted by this .

I see brothers fighting like foes over the money of the people who whelped them .
Then , I see people censuring them ,
without having proper knowledge about the things going on .
I see people supporting tyranny with graces and glories .
They only do this for fun , right ?
But what about humbleness ?

This rage and brutish behavior will take this world nowhere .
So , I still sit under the sky of full of stars ,
and , glance furtively .
I try not to weep over trifles ,
I know this world is worn out ,
and thinking about all this ,
makes me feel woeful .

Sometimes , I groan ,
because I'm not valiant .
And my cowardice nature ,
don't let me blaze forth .
I think about making a change ,
I think about being a change .
But I don't know if I'm worth it ,
I don't know if it's necessary to have a poetic license for it .

I honestly don't know if I should adapt all this or ,
put on my gay dress to gallivant .
So , I walk , stumbling and timidly and with agitation , unwillingly , like an impassive child .
So , when someone will look around ,
and notice me ,
they'll just find me a crazy and daft child .

I really don't know what's going on right now !
Because I can't see anything beautiful happening ,
maybe this world is turning into something very different !

I say I'm fine ,
but I'm going insane .
I say I feel good ,
but I'm in pain .
I say it's nothing ,
but it's really a lot .
I  say I'm okay ,
but I'm **** not .
I want help ,
but don't ask me how I actually feel .
I'm hurt and this wound can't be healed .
I don't know what's wrong !
But I know that ,
these thoughts are very deep !
No one feels this way ,
and if I do ,
my feelings aren't valid .
Tell me what can I do if I feel so stupid ?

If she's smiling ,
doesn't mean she's happy .
If she's acting fine ,
doesn't mean nothing is wrong .
If she comes off strong ,
doesn't mean she don't cry anymore .
If she's sitting silently ,
doesn't mean her heart don't wanna scream .

Don't trust her fake smiles ,
don't trust her when she says she's fine .
She have been losing her mind lately ,
she have been so lost from a while .
And the sad part is ,
no one can see it , no one cares .

She have been treated acidly ,
she have been unloved and ignored ,
and still , she's so bold .

Everything that happened to her in the past ,
makes her the person you get to see today .
She was this , little happy girl ,
but now , just a girl who fakes a smile throughout the day .

She's a precious pearl ,
and deserves all the happiness in the world .
Even though she thinks that she don't deserve it ,
she do and she's perfect in all the ways .

I lack words to describe her ,
but I appreciate the girl ,
who have been through so much ,
and still stands strong .

Do you ever ask yourself if you're happy with your life ?
Do you even know how to live ?
Or just survive ?
Are you doing what you love ?
Because that's the only way to be truly satisfied .

No one can ever tell you or decide for you ,
because there's a voice inside of you ,
that speaks all day long and tells you what's right and what's wrong .

Try listening to it ,
just don't let it suffocate .
Don't ever let it die .

We all are puppets in this world ,
and we spend a big patch of our lives ,
doing what our parents , teachers , friends , preachers , want us to do ,
but not ourselves .

But one day ,
responsibilities will come to us ,
we won't know what we're supposed to do ,
because we never did .
Then ? What will you do ?

So , you still have time !
Just stop being inefficient ,
because now , you've to decide .
It's never too late to make things right ,
don't just sit their and wait .

Listen to your heart ,
and that voice held inside .
Stop being a puppet ,
and learn to lead your own life , own your own .

Not all scars can be seen ,
not all wounds can be healed .
You can never even imagine how a person ,
who's hurt actually feels .

Having a broken heart ,
is like , having something broken inside of you .
No one can see it ,
but deep down it kills you .

You never know the real story ,
behind something you get to see .
Things are different in reality ,
maybe not as beautiful as it seems .
Maybe it's more painful ,
and , full of sorrows and miseries .

Some people just keep everything to themselves ,
deal with their demons ,
and all the thoughts ,
in their mind .
Maybe they can't find proper words to define ,
or not the right person ,
who understands .

You'll learn the best lessons of your life ,
after you get hurt ,
after you experience different things ,
the ones you never thought you really need .

You'll get broken over some people and situations ,
but life goes on ,
what can you do ?
you've to deal !

Just don't give up on this life ,
because where are rainbows without a little rain ?
Get up ! Try harder !
Because isn't easy for anyone here .

And this isn't the end ,
as the best days of your life are waiting for you to come .
Go and prove yourself .
Because you can do this ,
and you don't need to stay broken .

Dear mom and dad ,
this is your daughter .
I wanted to say sorry ,
for acting rude sometimes .
I wish I could tell you ,
how hard things have been from a while .
I promise to try my best all the time ,
but can you just stop getting disappointed by my actions ?
Because you really need to admit that ,
your daughter is just a mess .
You deserve a better daughter than me ,
because you guys are amazing .
I feel like I'm a ******* ,
wasting your money and time .
I don't know if I could ever pay back everything you've done for me ,
yes ! yo treated me like a princess ,
but I'm sorry ,
I've lost my crown !

Everything that's going on around me ,
isn't what I want .
Things aren't going as planned ,
and all of this ***** ,
and ***** with my head .

I can't do this anymore ,
no ! not anymore !
I've got secrets ,
that makes me hold my breathe all the time .

It feels like I'm trapped ,
and this trap is my past ,
which is stopping me from moving forward .
There's something really wrong with me .

I don't know how to express ,
but keeping it all inside ,
hurts a lot sometimes .

Till now , I've just figured out one thing ,
for me , writing is a great release .
I don't know how to deal with all of this **** .
So , I put my feelings into my poetry .

To be honest , now ,I spend a lot of my time ,
playing with these words in my mind .
It don't feel the same anymore ,
no ! it's not easy but also , not that dark here ,
I think it's all getting better ,
because I can see the light .

I don't know if I've got my **** together or not ,
it's still heavy but I guess now I know how to carry it properly .

Well ! In between all of this ,
I've found a piece of me ,
and I guess that's the best thing .
I'm blessed to be here ,
and thankful for the person I'm becoming .

So , I noticed this guy ,
while coming back from school .
I think I've a crush on him ,
he's kinda cute !

I hope he's more brave than me ,
we can become friends maybe .
I searched for him everywhere ,
instagram , snapchat ,twitter and facebook .
But what's his name ?
Should I go and talk to him ?
um..no ! lame .

But what if he's waiting for me to talk to him ,
and I'm waiting for him to talk to me ?

Let's do this now !
Let's practice some lines to start a conversation .
Suddenly a notification appears on my phone ,
and , oh my god !
This guy texted me saying "hi" !

The butterflies in my stomach ,
fear in my head ,
and redness on my cheeks.

Conversations started ,
we talked for minutes ,
then hours ,
and then , all day long ,
texting , snapping ,every ******* thing .

Not just a friend but he became someone special to me.
And somewhere , we started feeling same things .
Because texts changed from "nothing much" to "thinking about you",
and , ''wassup" to "open the gate,I'm coming to pick you".

Things changed even more between us ,
I don't feel shy but ,
comfortable around him .
These vibes are keeping me alive .

He calls me "babygirl" when I'm sick ,
and , I don't know why he things that he's just a ******* .

He's the most caring person ,
I ever came across !
He's not like everyone else ,
and this , melts my heart .

Life's hard ,
but he held my hand tight in good and bad times .
I slapped him ,
he kissed me ,
and that's when I knew ,
he's the only one for me .

It's friday night ,
got a lot of **** to do ,
but I'm tired .
I feel like ,
I should write .
But do I've any time for myself ?
No !
Because I'm fighting for a degree ,
that I don't even want for myself .
It feels like , I'm drowning ,
or maybe , just something like ,
slowly dying .

Currently at a point of life ,
where I'm already dead inside .
But let's just pretend that we're fine ,
because nobody cares anyway .

So , tell me , how's life ?
Great ! Right ?
But we know ,
we both are lying .

I'm not suicidal ,
I'm just tired and numb and ,
I don't feel this pain and ,
I don't even know what it's like to be okay .

It's just like ,
I'm surviving but not living ,
physically present here but lost somewhere ,
around so many people but still alone ,
no peace or no one ,
feels like home .

It's just that ,
I try to escape from my mind  everyday .
Everyday just passes by and I wonder ,
what's wrong with me.
I try to find the answer ,
but unfortunately , I fail .

Dreams come true if you try your best.
But what if you mess things up ?
What if you fail ?
Is there any hope ? a chance ?
to make things right again .
Yes ! But only if you've the courage .

But what if you're anxious because of what happened every time you tried ?
What if you're scared this time ?
You're so much than all of this ,
don't you know that ?

I don't know.
I don't understand.
Because  when I was confident ,
I wasn't right in their eyes .
I was hated and treated in a way ,
I didn't like .

Am I on the wrong path ?
I don't know anymore.
Because when I did ,
did they let me decide ?
No ! My decision didn't matter ,
it didn't make any change .

So, who knows the correct road for me anyways ?
I'm lost and can't move further ,
or maybe , just stuck ,
because I can't even find my way back .

I don't know if I should just give up ,
or just give myself another chance .
But I know my words aren't valued here ,
so , I learned to write poetry .

I don't wanna study,
but I don't wanna fail!
So,I sit with my books all the day.
I try so hard,
but I still can't satisfy my parents and teachers with my grades.
This education system ruined my teenage.
It controlled my day and night.
I spend all of my time,
studying maths and science.
I'm sorry but now,
I feel pressurized.
I'm sorry but I  can't study all the time.
I'm trying my best,
but still,I'm sorry,if you can't see my efforts.
You don't even know,
how many times I revise those,
derivations,principles and rules.
This *****!
And at this point of time,
I honestly have no clue,
I really don't know what to do.

Her eyes have something more beautiful than moon and stars,
but what about her scars?
She screams for help but no one listens,
there are so many monsters an demons hidden.
Sometimes she escapes,
sometimes she fights,
but all alone,
she cries.
She still smiles and hides all the pain in her eyes,
She made that pain look beautiful,
but no one will ever understand,
how the truth is so painful.