I don't remember what
movie we watched that
night but it was before we
got those christmas lights
and there was an airport
( I think). Your room was
a plum house, your bed,
on the right side of the room
against the wall, Why do I
remember knives? Were we
eating? This is what I do daily,
pilfer my own caverns for memories
and try to piece them together
but for the life of me I can't
remember what we were
watching.

Intrigued how people
Fall victim to deceit
And greed
What makes
A person
Want to seek
Levels in which
They cannot reach?

There is no need
For reverse
Psychology
All you need
Is to think
Like the one
Who you are
Intrigued by

Maybe it's their intelligence
Or their lack of remorse
Maybe the way they act
And are well spoken
With their words

It's those simple things
That tell the tale
Of how this man
Or this woman
Made you feel
Intrigued.

The things I carry weigh just three pounds,
But there are three tons of weight
That stay with me all of the time.
When I'm walking, when I'm reading,
Even when I'm sleeping,
These things are always sitting
On my shoulders and poking my head.
 
I always carry my phone,
And my license sits in my wallet with money.
I carry the keys to my car and the key to my soul:
I always carry my iPod
Because music is the lifeline that seems
To hold some weight and give me a break
From those heavy thoughts that
Always weigh me down.

I carry the brain that produces these thoughts,
The place where they linger.
The intelligent brain that gives me good grades
But frustrates me with the uncontrollable
Switching from highs to lows.
I carry the hope for a good future
Filled with love and happiness
But the fear of failure, too.

I carry insecurities with me,
Although I'd much rather leave them behind.
I carry the absence of my father,
As well as the fear that this absence
Will affect me more than it already has.
I carry bad habits that might get worse,
And the pressure to do well and succeed
Despite these overbearing thoughts.

Even though the grass is green,
And the sky is blue,
Doesn't mean my heart is red.
I smile and look happy,
But am I really happy?
My heart is blue, with all the tears
Dripping on it from missing you.
I'm only really happy when you are near me,
Holding me close, not wanting to let go,
Don't let go!
For I am afraid I'll lose you,
And never see your face again.

maybe if i were
different
than what i am now.
maybe then they would
like me.
maybe then i wouldn't feel so
alone
empty
numb.
the war is in my mind
but
the wounds are on my body.
it was the cat, i tell them.
and they fall for it.
never thinking that
maybe
it wasn't the cat
maybe it was me
maybe it was my own hand,
dragging the blade across my wrist.

i love him
he loves her
never giving me a thought
never thinking that maybe
he's the reason for my pain.
i wish that he would
see
really see
that what he's doing to me
kills me.
i only wish he knew
how much i want him to be mine
how long i've waited
how many tears i've shed.
so if i die,
tell him i
loved him.

i think they're right.
i am worthless.
i am ugly.
no one wants me around.
i should go die.
i wish i could die.
perhaps that would make them see
make them less blind
to what they do to me
make them learn
make them pay.

i wish i could get rid of this
this numbness that is eating away at me
killing me
from the inside out.
i don't feel alive anymore
maybe i'm not
maybe i'm just breathing
just a shell of a real person.
i don't remember
what it's like
to live
to want to live
to have purpose to live.
everything i love is gone.
i wish that someone could just
show me.
show me how to live
show me how to breathe
show me
how to
fly...

How many tears
Have fallen on a bathroom floor?

This place that is
Disregarded

In our darkest times
Is a private sanctuary
Where we escape to cry
And scream
And sit and stare

Away from prying eyes
And judging voices

Perhaps it is one of the few remaining
Sanctuaries that we can seek

When all hope is lost
These walls do not try
To stop our tears
Or give us advice

They do not abuse us
Or shout
Or judge
And whisper

They merely protect us
Enclosing us from the outside world
And give our minds that space
To think
Without
Any
One
Else

How many tears
Have  fallen on the bathroom floor?

An ocean.