I am living in this body still
I do not remember what she was like
Before the bombs
When she was a beautiful city
All I know now is the ash in the soil
The stumps of the trees
The basements exposed
There is beauty in it to be sure
She will never be
What she was before

I cannot say I am sorry for her
Because I do not know her
She is only a distant memory
Like the sun on the fading horizon

We have been rebuilding
I did not know
It would be so difficult
To build new buildings
On an old foundation
So raw, so vulnerable, so exposed
I am not the one at war
I am the village after the raid
I am the city after the bombs
I am the one who prayed
That I would see the lighthouse
Before my stern kissed the shoals

Perhaps the bombs will come again
There is no warning

I am a house
That has been broken into
A hundred times

My windows smashed
Doors ripped from there hinges
Gutted
Ransacked

But I am not a house
I am human

Still paying the mortgage
For a property
That others strip of its value
Any chance they can get

Close your eyes
It is okay to go
It has been a long life

Close your eyes
I will sing to you
Humming gentle melodies

Close your eyes
The music will go with you
Where I cannot follow

Close your eyes
It is time
The angel’s will carry on the harmony

Darling
Do you feel
Naked, vulnerable
I will dress you
In my love
Clothe you
There is no need
To be ashamed

Tell me I look like my mother
I carry her emptiness
Her grief
Pours into me
Until I am full
Tonight it spills
Onto the tiles in the kitchen
No worries, it is a woman’s work

I was never a little girl
You’re always a hundred years old
When you’re fighting and flighting
And freezing
It’s just so **** cold
My throat is raw
From begging you to love me
All I ever hear back
Is you raising your voice
To tell me to shut up
I am quiet now, daddy
You made me
But you can’t see me
Ironic
Since I’m the one haunted

It been three days
Three nights
I haven’t slept
More than an hour
At a time
Since I had that dream
About the man
With ice white hair

He is coming for me

When you touch my skin
I feel it so deeply
That the salt in my oceans
Separate from the water

If this is a dream
Truly, why are there so many hallways
I am forever wandering
In between the inbetween
It seems I will never reach the end
If there is an end to reach

My subconscious hangs in the atmosphere
Betting, pondering
If in time you will shed your layers
If your gentleness will slip
Like a mask
This would not be the first time
I perceive chaos for calmness
I prayed for it
Perhaps I should have begged
Whispered my barters to God
Leaned into his ears and pleaded
My pride will not be my downfall again
I am not too wise
I have played the fool before
I know the role well
I wrote it

You asked me
If I believed
In love, at first sight
I replied, eyes closed
I do not care much for the beginning
As long as there is love in the end

I never felt this much contained rage
When I was a child
It was much more terrible then
I let it bleed out into a jar
I am the place
Where the glass bottles sit now
Collecting dust
One by one

I’m in your empty apartment
My heart two sizes too big
For this security deposit
Landlord said no smoking
You’re burning me up inside
You asked me why I came
Darling this is just where the wind blew me
I’ll be here until it picks up again
For now the sound of the water
Against the shore
Lulls me into a sinless sleep
Lately I’ve been dreaming
In black and gray again
It reminds me of you
When there was no color
To see in the world around me
It doesn’t matter where you go
Only why you’re leaving
There is only people, places
This thing we measure called time
I won’t find myself
Until I lose you
We’ve never played fair
I craved you
Like a mother’s love
You are a cigarette
Sweet on the tongue
Burning quickly
To a bitter end
I wondered for years
Why the birds flew south
Now I know why
They come back
To the north every spring
When she is ready
Waiting
Warming
Home

I attempt again
To swallow
The words lining the inside of my throat
It has been there
Since before I knew what letters were
Spiraling down
Into the pit of my stomach
It does not go down easy
It does not settle well
And when it tries to come back up
It sits again
In the back of my throat
Like the taste of a hollow cry

It was a long drive
I fell into the last sleep
On the way home
Shortly after the sun went down
I felt the bumps
In the road
I knew
We were almost home
You knew
When you buckled me in
That I was slowing down
Your gentle turns
Lulled me to sleep
I went out with the light
Will you carry my body inside
Wrap my arms around your neck
Lay her to rest
In a midnight coffin
Heavens sheets tucked
Around my chest
I feel like a child

Has the sun set yet
We have so little time
To make peace with the day
After your soft touch
I will never feel whole
I am bleeding out
Where your fingers reached
Inside my soul
Where does the time go
When I am dreaming next to you

I knock on your chest
Asking you
To open up your ribs
So I can climb inside
It is warm here
Next to your beating heart
And the rhythm
Lulls me to sleep

I tell my mother I am tired
She looks at me
She knows
How women always do
Two backless mirrors
Lost in the others reflection
One will swallow the other
Birth her
And thus the cycle continues
Russian nesting dolls of pain
Full only of each others dreams
How foreign
How familiar

Do not tell me my father is trying
I do not know this man
I can only wonder
Why did he wait
I begged him
To look at me
Not even to love
Just to see
How could you not know
One day I would be a woman
I thought I would be
Everything you were not
When I look in the mirror
I am your reflection
Everything you are
Your anger burned into my voice
Your strength in my fist
You gave me this fire
It burns me up from the inside
I hear you
Echo in my head
Do not tell me
You are trying
Because when I tried
Begged, pleaded, asked
You turned me away
For 25 years I waited
For you to do better
For me to be enough
To separate myself from the desire
To make you proud
Of that, I will never be worthy
This is not my deepest wound
It is one that will scab over
I will pick at again and again
To watch it bleed
It is your blood in my veins

I stare at the sea
It gives it’s loneliness to me
How long has it longed
To touch beyond the shore
To reach what is beyond
I do not know
What is in the deep
I am compelled
It eats away at me
High tide
Ebb and flow
There is no give and take here
Between the rocks and the shoals
We all succumb
To salt water sirens
We love
Because we fear
Give in to her
To the madness of the ocean

I stare into the heavens
The vast expanse
Has already past
I wonder
Who looks back
Sees me
As I was
Are we ever as we are
Are we ever
We are barely here
Hardly human

I can never enjoy the radiant heat
I must touch the coals
I am compelled
By what burns inside me
Who will deny me
Only myself
Nothing is lost
It was never in reach
I am the guardian
Of my own thoughts
Kindling these hopes
Against dry tinder dreams

I want to feel good again, young
Summer skin
Clean linens
Hot dripping honey
I want to feel
Like I did with you
When we were children
In the garden
Green on the vine
Glass eyes to a blue sky
Not a cloud in sight

What will you masquerade as love
When your body speaks
What does she say

My heart is bargaining
With the gods for you
They raise the wage
It is no matter
I will pay the price

One day
I will look on your world
With great fondness
Too long
Have I held my breath
Against the terrible monotony of time
Marching this unforgiving carcass
Across the sand
I am tired
Weary
Aging
My youth has forsaken me
For the fading promise of tomorrow
She has born little fruit
I will go into the desert again
The sun will come to my skin
A lover that has been waiting
To kiss me with passion
To touch
Has it been forty years
Or only a moment
The figs will dry to anjeer
Or perhaps it is only a mirage
There is nothing tangible here
Beyond the sand
And she
Slips all too easily
Through my fingers

Can I ask you
To filter air gently
Through your lungs
Before you release it
Into my mouth
I will devour you one day
We will burn
Like the sun when she finally dies
Big, and bright, and beautiful
You have never felt the cold before
I would not believe ice existed
After I feel
The warmth of your touch
Burn through me
Peeling back my layers
Until we come to center
I’ve got you
Right where I want you
Under my skin
Burrow into my soul
She longs for you
Like a breath of fresh air

I have questions for you
Wondering where you keep
Small fireworks
That jump between our skin
When we are not one

You are not Fourth of July
You are not Christmas
Or birthdays or holiday
You are the first day after a long winter
When I turn my face to the sun
Remembering her warmth
Remembering there is comfort

Keep your name
It is gentle
The way it rolls off my tongue
Soft summer rain on glass
No one will say it like I do
But I will beg them to try

If you knew me once
You will never be lonely again
I am with you
I am part of you
The pieces of you in me
I will keep company
I will speak to them
I will cherish

When our souls danced
It was small magic
Big lights
Burning up the sky
I do not care
That one day
All the stars will fall to the earth
They will not burn as brightly as you and I

I hope
I am not
Perceiving chaos for calmness
Again

We talked about being buried one day
Letting weeping willows grow
From our carcass and ashes
We were summer once
Under the stars
Two bodies terrified of being cold
Pressing themselves into the earth
They will not bury us yet
Though we whisper of our own attempts
We opened our minds under the stars
Our hands intertwined
Constellation thoughts
Milky way minds
I saw you
Though perhaps not as you always appear
The self is a shadow
And you passed across my moon

I am burdened
With a delightful weight
Your expanse covers me
Where I would not be exposed

Like night sky over deep waters
Gentle stars looking past the beyond

I am yoked
Neck and neck
Footsteps in the same direction
Joined as one

Like vines we are intertwined
Until we are buried in the earth

I press both my hands
Against your chest
Pushing you away

I begged for you to stay
I want nothing more

But

I will not part my lips
To ask

If you loved me you would
If you loved

I’m too good for this
I was soft with you
My mistake

I don’t want to be here
To feel this

I don’t want
I only have, to lose
And so I give and I gave
Break myself into little pieces
To fill as much space as possible
In every place I’ve ever been

Heartbreak drives a black car
I see it everywhere I am
Watching, waiting
What a strange ghost
I fear the familiar
Never the unknown
I should have left you alone
On the street where I found you
How will I protect my peace now
I gave it away
I am giving up
I would rather bear your burdens
Than my own
It is the most dangerous thing to love
I would not call this brave

I don’t see anything in my dreams
It is they who are watching me

If you put a gun to my face
I would wrap my mouth
Around the barrel
Look you dead in the eyes
Tell you, to pull the trigger
Only when I am starving
Will I eat my words

Time is peeling back our layers
Age will yield softer versions of ourselves
Dive deep into the self
There is nothing there

Beg the wanderers for freedom
As if we could not hold our own
Bare your teeth to the silver dollar moon
No one is coming now

Not the wolves I see in my dreams
Not the shadow man clothed in leather
Not the rally I prayed
Not the soldiers I spilt blood for

Age will yield a softer version
Of my own person
Fight, tooth and nail for a bitter end
These are still waters

Dive deep into the self
There is nothing there
No God, no colors, no sound
It is the cold flame of humanity
Only consciousness persists

Do you mistake me for your mother
A body
A house you can crawl back into
Begging on all fours

I am raw
Heart in hand
Planting my seeds in rocky soil
Barren of love

I'm begging you
Wait as long as you can
To fall in love with me
Tread slowly

I am not a drop
I am deep water
Gentle depths
Pouring into you

When I say your blow
Struck me to the core
Know, I am not a soft caramel center
Not melting in your mouth
I am the center of a young star
Holding it's own in the sky

You knew I would never be evil
Never be cruel to you
What you did not know
Is that once you are evil to me
Once you are cruel
I will never allow
You the opportunity to do it again
There is strength in my silence
When I find weakness in your words

I have been absorbing darkness
For a long time
Painting my burning rays
Across where you could not see
Do you feel lighter
Now that you are illuminated
I was not hungry
But I have swallowed up your sins
Spit them out as blessings
For you to feast
It hurts to heal
But I will not make it
Any harder than it has to be
I am here for your journey
You will never know
The role you play in mine
I could find you
Blind and mute in the dark
I would not even struggle
I only wonder
Why you lost me to begin with
There is no grievance between us
I will seek you
Until you are whole again
I am all the broken pieces
Of anyone I have ever loved
I am all your pain and your guilt
I am your fears and bitter truth
I am the voice of reason
Telling you, you are worthy
Taking your pitiful currency
As gold
I am the temple
The offering
I am the unburdened
Go, and be light
You are free
Even of me

I do not expect
For you to count me as a loss
When you never valued me at all

This is a fun little game game we play
You break my heart
And I leave you alone

I was chosen
Not to be loved
But to absorb your violence

I prophesied I would haunt you
Now I truly am your ghost
Abandon me of your shadow
As I released your soul
We are not bound to each other

How quickly we unravel
Skein of time slips into knots
I cut the cord
Wicks burn down to nubs
We are not bound to each other

Relinquished of your promises
I of my duty
I told you I had healers hands
You place yourself beyond reach
We are not bound to each other

Do not look for me in your dreams
Do not call for me in your sleep
I am not there
My spirit never had a place to rest
We are not bound to each other

Pray for closure, beg for it
Perhaps God will hear you
Perhaps he will care
There are no grudges here
We are not bound to each other

Said you would die for me
Now you are dead to me
Dig your grave, to lie in it
Surrogate funeral for your spirit
We are not bound to each other

I forgive you
Of your sins and lies
Time will fill your gap
Nothing will stead for me
We are not bound to each other

Do not seek me
When we are reborn
If you are healing
If you are well
There will be no reason for me

The halfway angels are speaking again
You do not need ears to hear them
They are a sight to behold
I have been lingering
In the silent place for many eons
I cannot name what baited me
Or what kept me for so long
Invisible burdens
Live by gravity’s promise
I have quietly wondered
If you would whisper in my ear again
I would not beg plea or ask
What have I made of time
The same human foolishness as before
You beg for change
That you will not see through
Heaven does not laugh or cry at our plight
Only looking down in wonder
As the journey marches on
Will you take me to the river
Wash me clean
Of this tarnish rusting up my skin
Baptist me until I am pure
Until we are white lights
Against the Milky Way

I was a fool
When I asked to feel something
God couldn’t you have chosen
Anything, but this
Anyone, but me

Do not tell me of my strength
My resilience
My stamina

She is a strong tower
She is a mighty fortress
I run to her
I run from you
I run

There is still dirt under my nails
From digging
In damp soil
It fills in the little crevices on my palms
Small rivers between my pores

Today I feel terribly human
Is anything else so bitter sweet?
I could stare into the sun for a moment
Let his rays penetrate into my skull
Permeate my thoughts
Brighten them, enrich, soften, melt

I suppose any thought after would feel
Utterly dark
Like the soil clenched in my fist

The water was quieter than expected
     Though fast in its flowing
There is a silent beauty in death
     Not knowing where she is going
Have you swam in dark water before
     How foolish of me to ask
Holding your breath before barking dogs
     This was never meant to last
I did not expect to hear your laugh
     The sound less permeable
Than your ghosting form
     Are we already irreparable
The boat draws near
     Bone like fingers on oars
Denari clink in your shallow pockets
     Like skulls knocking on doors

I am ready

I did not know
You would haunt me still
Beyond that
I did not know
I would expect it
Eyes, always perceived to be watching
Steps, not truly fading away
We were not what God intended
Not good or righteous or pure
We were worse
Two terrible ends of a spectrum
Colliding in the off center
If I asked you
Would you leave me
You would make me beg
So I seal my sinners lips together
Dark blood dripping
Out the corners of my mouth
Silence better than rejection
Shadows better than permanence