Do not tell me my father is trying
I do not know this man
I can only wonder
Why did he wait
I begged him
To look at me
Not even to love
Just to see
How could you not know
One day I would be a woman
I thought I would be
Everything you were not
When I look in the mirror
I am your reflection
Everything you are
Your anger burned into my voice
Your strength in my fist
You gave me this fire
It burns me up from the inside
I hear you
Echo in my head
Do not tell me
You are trying
Because when I tried
Begged, pleaded, asked
You turned me away
For 25 years I waited
For you to do better
For me to be enough
To separate myself from the desire
To make you proud
Of that, I will never be worthy
This is not my deepest wound
It is one that will scab over
I will pick at again and again
To watch it bleed
It is your blood in my veins

I stare at the sea
It gives it’s loneliness to me
How long has it longed
To touch beyond the shore
To reach what is beyond
I do not know
What is in the deep
I am compelled
It eats away at me
High tide
Ebb and flow
There is no give and take here
Between the rocks and the shoals
We all succumb
To salt water sirens
We love
Because we fear
Give in to her
To the madness of the ocean

I stare into the heavens
The vast expanse
Has already past
I wonder
Who looks back
Sees me
As I was
Are we ever as we are
Are we ever
We are barely here
Hardly human

I can never enjoy the radiant heat
I must touch the coals
I am compelled
By what burns inside me
Who will deny me
Only myself
Nothing is lost
It was never in reach
I am the guardian
Of my own thoughts
Kindling these hopes
Against dry tinder dreams

I want to feel good again, young
Summer skin
Clean linens
Hot dripping honey
I want to feel
Like I did with you
When we were children
In the garden
Green on the vine
Glass eyes to a blue sky
Not a cloud in sight

What will you masquerade as love
When your body speaks
What does she say

My heart is bargaining
With the gods for you
They raise the wage
It is no matter
I will pay the price