I've always lived inside a shell,
But i want to be free and
fly,
I've always felt like i'm nobody's,
but all i wanted to be
was everybodys',
I wasnt hungry for fame,
but deprived of love.
I still am.
I always thought i could
never be loved,
but i always badly
needed it,
I’ve always asked for
Recognition,
Because I’m never
Appreciated,
I’ve always called myself a loon,
Because I think,
I think too much dirt.
I don’t think im pretty,
‘cause from near,
When my demons are visible,
I see myself
My ugliness
Reflects,
Comes back at me.
More hatred.

When guys say , “ oh you’re so pretty,
You can get any guy you want!”
I shatter,because I think
They pretend and lie and repeat.
I don’t always get what I
Crave for,
Nor do I manage the relationships.
Or maybe they don’t see the real,
‘ugly’, ‘crazy’,’silly’,
Me.

I don’t see any bright light,
Darkness blurs my vision,
As if morning
Is still asleep,
Causing me more
Blindness.
But all I wanto see is
A ray of hope,shining at me.
For once,
I want to be called actually pretty,
Hot,cool,amazing,
From someone who’ll mean it and
From the one
I’d be able to believe.

But I am not sure
The pseudonym I choose
To live with,
Would let me
Accept what I am wishing for.
…….
That’s my issue,
I’m locked in this personality-cage.
I need rescue.
Save me from rage
Wake up.
Smile..
Fill another page

Why do i always have to be told
Though indirectly,
but told,
so ******* sarcastically,
with those irritating grins and giggles
'' you know what? you should take part in the beauty contest "

When all i know is that
they have a good reason to
make me feel so on cloud nine for a minute
and down crashing on the ground
with a thud,when i sooner or later
will realise,
no, I've got scars, I've got marks, I've got bruises,
I've got frizzy hair,I've got a skinny bodytype
I've got ordinary clothes, I've got no good pair of heals,like you do.
I dont have the talents to put
makeup on..
duh.


You know it all too well.
i know it,too.
Still,you wanto say it on my face,so that it hits me harder
the time I see myself in the mirror wearing clothes
i feel will make me look alright,just alright.
and then i enter the classroom
seeing all of you guys to be staring at me,
saying,''pooh,you look awesome''
I know why,i know it.

And then as more chicks start to enter,
All I'd want would be to tear my outfit from the middle
throw it away,
rub off that kohl I tried to roughly apply
to kinda accentuate my tiny Asian eyes.


Because all of you guys
look so **** perfect.
so gorgeous.
so rich.
so what we say CLASSY
so IT.

When'll I be enough?
am i always gonna wear those nerdy glasses,
slick back my bangs from my forehead
that hides my scars ..
wear the oversized, boring sweaters,
and pants and shoes,and with books by my side .
Am i never going to be like y'all?

that others want to be like.
who look upto them.

when someone'll be like, ''i wanna be like her"
Can i never be that 'her' ?
can i never get a compliment?
Can i never hold the crown?
or that sachet ?
or the flowers?
or the teddies?
or the hamper?

NO?

i must rather abide with my
unlucky,
hopeless,
shady,
dusky, good-for-nothing
weird life?

Can i never make something out of it,
with my appearance appreciated?
even from people who matter,
from people who live with me
under the same roof?
can ,for once and for all,
i be made feel
enough............
?

I never thought
in a thousand years
i could ever get caught
in the midst of a scam
by my peers
my reputation sank
sank like the titanic
Some girls' prank
ended up making me a  manic...

i swear ,those days
i never wished to face
all day long,weaker became my prays,
my thoughts, all so evil and pure
just couldnt keep pace

being called a S.L.U.T.
is not any girl would ever invite
but would rather Fright
wrong perceptions & notions
left no room for emotions
i was sick
and    b
r
    o
                 k
e
    n

&

t
    o
r
  n
"its all going to be fine",they had sworn.

But things just didnt seem to get better.
rather worse,,
i wished i could just stop Breathing and then leave some letter
I didnt wanto live any *******  more , that REMORSE....

Yes, i wanted to skip breathing
and then sit and write
Struggling for oxygen,
         finding words,
Struggling for life,
    only if i could just get a knife
and end my pain.

Who got bullied?
I
who got withered?
Me.
who got bothered?
Me.
Still who got blamed?
I.
By my folks, my peers,
{screams }

All  DORKS

Alone
I used to weep,
the pain and regret
i could just feel ,
feel it all seeping in.
inside my aching soul.
that why me?

Those days in history I wish I never repeat them-self
when a girl is tortured for being herself,
i didnt do any wrong
just struck a pose
and it all ended up in a debate so long
long as the NILE,
seemed o end
" we are all by your side",they just arent tired to pretend.
pretend,every single second,
minute,
hour,
day,
weeks,
months,
years,
all the time.
the story is now this old.
a year old today.
the day i was surrounded by a group,
or rather a pack of
wolves.
that'd just come closer
    and closer
                 and closer
to me.
I shout.
even today.
when i hear them all.
echoing,
          shouting,             laming,                  haunting.
oh Good God!


One thing they do perfectly,
is make her cry all day endlessly,
i know you were hotter
I know you were slimmer
I know you had straighter hair
And,a-n-d
owned shoes more than five-six fairs
i know you were popular
i know i wasnt any of the above.
But that didnt seem to bother me ,then.
until you tried to use them to put me down.

Wow, How great ?

just how well we twist words,
write stories and manipulate.
you should've been in the drama club!
was i the onyl one left to attack for flubs?

each word we possibly knew
to something that could hassle
for somebody to tussle ?
even if it meant
taking away her life,
because you didnt know
how good she naturally was
at being fragile?


be careful for the days to come,
b'*** you dont know
howscary she was &
how scarier she could possibly get?