searching for beauty in
the pain
or at least the envelopes in which it arrives
I'm deep in debt from feeling too much
at this point, solvency will never come

I see my shadow standing still
on the white wall of an art museum
it weighs on me that this is something I cannot undo

at what point of taking something apart does it
become something different?
because I’m pretty sure I’m someone else
at least, I’m not myself

“how to drown yourself”
a white quilt
suspended
unknown, undrown
bottom two corners sagging
top two pulled taught

tangled air knotting itself throughout my lungs
interwoven with my vital organs like threads of unconsciousness
my breath is never left
undone
unknown, undrown

“to allow yourself to be forgiven,
to find a way forward,
to follow yourself back”
three phrases—
stitched in red
on three white flags
“the future is a hopeful past”
I lowered each to half staff

unknown, undrown
two people seems to be the right amount
people puddle, standing
unknown, undrown

i have lingered too long at the pearly gates of the Sea.
these Sea-carcasses have finally untold the tale of me.
as i swim up, and by the lustful Sea’s view, a gulled you,
i see, allll the wonders of the Sea, (surrounding me)
and as i believe i’m swimming up with the intent to find air,
i’m caught in awe, and start to know, (the Sea is all i can bear)
and as i think i’m swimming up, i could possibly be swimming down.
this Sea keeps me undrown.
i will forever (in this Sea) see this glorious, pearly town.
a endless affair, which i can easily bear.
i swear, the Sea constantly flooding me, (tastes like the stars)
i need to swim back down, and find those pearly bars.

The anxiety hasn't been this strong in a long time
Hasn't been so overwhelming
Since I knew that I could leave you

You're one of two paths
Rough and sometimes rewarding
But does it ever end
Away from the heartache
I can't see around that bend
Maybe I never will

The other option is out
Taking steps to undrown
And do I want to
Do I want to
I don't want to leave you behind

It's been so long since I've been so crushed
By someone who knows they're a noose
I can't decide if I want to live or die
Anymore