I heard overtime our body disposes of cells and develops new ones, how sublime.
My body last year isn't what it is now, and certainly not what it was when I was nine.
I guess scientifically you've never touched me.
You've never gripped my face in between your forefinger and thumb, never put your mouth, your thin upper lip and full bottom lip on my tightly closed one.
Apparently I was never forced to see.
See, I was too numb, too motionless to fight back and eventually turned emotionless.
Cause and affect
Never felt you push yourself on me or you openly inviting my hand to explore.
Never felt the dread I felt when you told me I was adored.
Never grazed my ear with your fingers as you pushed my hair back, telling me I was beautiful no matter how hard I tried not be, that in a sea full of girls there was no one else like me.
That out of all of them I was different, I was special, I couldn't be cloned.
I had a heart made of gold that wouldn't hurt anyone even if told.
I never had to feel your breath on my cheek or neck as you asked if I loved you, as you asked if I was alright. That if something was wrong I could go to you with no hesitation and like always you pried and I lied.
Maybe that's why I never believe anyone that has a mouth or fingers or eyes, just like you did, just like yours. I don't trust anyone that can form beautiful words, can't let them have the ability to make them retch worthy, too much at stake to let another one of your kind hurt me.
Cause and affect
I never felt a maleficent, fine blade on my own skin, slicing away the words I could never begin.
I never felt hot tears on my chin, dripping down into the deep pool made of a deep red. Making a color I'll never forget, nor perfect ever again.
I love that a part of me will forever be on that tile, on that floor. Because the whole of me has been long gone, just like my (hopefully soon) soul.
Yet, I'm still her, and she'll forever be me, that poor little nine year old girl that had to endure it all until she was pubescent, and then as if that wasn't enough, sickly got tortured and scarred some more while growing into a poor excuse of an adolescent- a traumitized, terrorized *adolescent.
-d.***
