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hi-I'm-X Apr 2014
I guess I should start off by telling you all, my name is a secret, which shouldn't matter anyways, because it would be nothing special with out the secrets. You can all call me, X, and my lover, O, which is ironic because I've never really kissed her. Oh that's another thing: I'm a lesbian who has seemed to lock herself up in the closet and can't find the key in the dark. I'm writing this now, because if I don't I think it might **** me. Maybe not the pops-pills or puts-a-gun-to-my-head kinda way but in the way where my heart is shattered and drops down into the pit of my stomach. The kind of **** me where I drink for the rest of my life every tuesday because that's when you would get drunk too and tell me you love me. Oh this is the worst part everybody: I'm in love with a straight girl who happens to be my best friend. I swear it didn't start out like this, but I dreamt of her one night when I was sick. She came to me in the middle of the night dressed in white silk and softly caressed my cheek. The next morning I had to text her, to see her words. She loved me too, for the first year. And I did a lot of thimgs wrong and hurt her so much, it cost me her love. See, she would hold my hand and press her head into my neck. We would lie on the roof and watch the stars fade and I'd draw gallaxies on her palm and plant kisses on her collar bone. Sometimes we'd both cry for the love of each other. I'd write her a song and she'd tell me whe couldn't live without me. Even with other people around, her hand would slip under the blankets and try to memorize my fingerprints. Then things started to change, because she started to talk to guys, which is normal for a 15 year old girl.  So I would cry myself to sleep and get drunk and send her mean text messages about how she hurt me and I hated the boys who got to see her green eyes so close and place their hands on her hip because she didn't do that with me anymore so she musn't love me as she said. Ill be honest with you, I broke the girl I love. As the years passed,  we faced so many hardships that I lost count. I was getting better at hold my feelings inside, its not like it was her fault,  I never told her that I loved her. I began to feel her slip away from me, which was a peculiar feeling because she had always held on so tight, so I'd get her drunk and tell her that I missed her so she'd let me hold her and in the morning I'd fake a headache and pretend it was the tequila talking. After a year of mostly self inflicted depression, I began to heal. Set boundaries for myself. I could go hours at a time without thinking of her name. She saw more boys, she had ***. The whole time she would tell me about it I had to hold my hands behindymy back to hide their shaking and swallow the bile rising from my throat. I hurt, but it got easier. I would slowly fade out of her life everytime she struck up a new fling because it was so obvious to me that she didn't need me anymore and I was just a burden. I began to let go of my anger when we'd be sitting in the car with her half listening to me when I was talking, with her phone glued to her hamd, texting her boy. After awhile I learned to be comfortale with the silence.she's leaving for college soon, and me being a year older,  I'm just the stay-in-your-home-town **** up that I always knew I would be, even with all the scholarships lined up and my parents willing to shell out thousands to let me pursue my dreams. I'm not gonna lie to you.. I flunked my algebra 2 class on purpose because I couldn't bare the thought of leaving her, even if she was happy to see me go. She knows I love her, maybe just not in what way because I can't help my self sometimes and I have to tell her that she's beautiful or that her eyes remind me of galaxies and her smile of sunsets. But I don't think she truly knows. As I said, shes going to college soon and even though its only two hours away, I know this is it. The last months of our friendship. You see, I won't be able to party with her on the weekends and watch her lock the doors of foreign bedrooms with a guy clinging to her waist. I used to think I was a terrible person for wanting to leave her like this but I honestly think its the best way. This is the time of her life when she'll be making life long friends, she won't need me. I can honestly say that ill miss her smile and her laugh and the way she breathes. Ill miss her shoulder blades, and her bad jokes, and her sass. Ill miss her warmth. But I will live.  I'm not good enough for her.. could never provide correctly or give her our own children.  Ill be the first to admit that I'm filled with flaws, I'm not beautiful, and I probably wouldn't love me either, I just need this page to keep me sane. You see, she knows of all my other accounts on here but now I'm just X. I like being X, its a nice letter.  I'm so sorry I've bored you with my life story, I'm just confused on why I hate myself when I have so much love to give, so this is me coping. Imwant you to know that everytime I write it'll probably be about her. If you've read this whole thing to the bottom, then thank you for listening, it honestly means a lot.
Creep Jul 2015
I bit my lip
In hopes of not trembling
In fear
For I remember the days
When thimgs were so sweet
So innocent
When you were still you
And I was still me,
When things were okay.
...
aldo kraas May 2021
I am feeling so alone
In this world
My old friends abandoned me
I am feeling so alone and depress
Please depression leave me alone
I need a break from you
You are bringing the dark clouds inside my eyes
And all I see is dark
I feel that I been riding on a roller coaster
With my depression
This roller coaster ride is killing me
I hate this roller coaster ride
It feels like suicidal to me
Because it is moving fast
Please let me get out of this roller coaster ride
Before you **** me
Depression
Why do you want to hang around?
I am not your friend
I am the victim
I want to scream out of pain
But I can’t because I have no voice anymore
I feel that I lost my voice
That is a bad situation to bee in
I try to use my hands and wave it instead
To see if anybody will come to my rescue
I just have to wait
This roller coaster is very high
And it goes in a speed of 100 miles per hour
It is very fast
And now it is getting brighter out
And I see every thing dark still
The medications are the only thing that stops
Me from having depression
My depression is by polar
I don’t miss my medication
I no longer feel that I am in a roller coaster
Ride with my medications
My medications make me very tired
And I sleep all through the night
I sleep a few hours during the night
I think the roller coaster is now brockened  for good
I hope no body else fix it
Because it is winter and
 In the winter I feel the morning blues
At 6 am it still dark outside
And I have problem getting up
I never know how to get rid of my morning blues
My morning blues makes me very tired in the morning
When I get up
If I go back to bed I will be waisting a day
If I drink a cup of coffee that will wake me up
If I had the choice between going to bed or having a cup of coffee
I would choose the coffee
There is nothing better than a cup of coffee in the morning
At the end of the day
The night will come again
Because it gets dark so early in the winter
It feels very depressing to me
By 8 pm I am in bed sleeping
I go to bed early
I closed my eyes and I go to sleep
I have some dreams
I live now in a quiet place
And I love it that way
Because I hate noise
And I can’t sleep when there is noise
I have a dark room
And I sleep in a dark room
My clock rings every minute in the living room
The room where I sleep is warm
The bed where I sleep is very confortable
And I love it
In the summer I have more energy to do thimgs
And I feel more awake
But it is in the winter that I don’t have any energy
I wished that I had more energy during the winter
But I don’t

— The End —