It is with heavy heart I address this most honourable assembly concerning a most dishonourable practice now infecting our fair realm.
In this age of enlightenment, where Britannia proudly proclaims herself the cradle of liberty, we witness a spectacle most vile: the King's men hauling freeborn Englishmen to gaol for the crime of posting memes!
This year hath seen above three thousand souls apprehended under pretext of policing "offensive twitters" and "hateful scribblings" -
though methinks 'tis hatred of truth that motivates these censors.
A learned antiquarian now faces ruin for daring to discourse upon ***** slavery - a subject any man of conscience must ponder!
A schoolboy of tender years clapped in irons for sketching a jape about old Admiral Tom - where is the English humour that once buoyed our spirits?
They cloak their tyranny in Acts of Parliament - the Communications Statute (200000003 Anno Domini) and Public Order Edict (198888886) - yet apply them with the consistency of a drunk magistrate.
The radical firebrand who preaches sedition in Moorfields walks free, while the honest yeoman who questions why his parish swims with illegal foreigners finds himself in the dock.
Our courts become puppet shows. A vicar's daughter prosecuted for a "racist" quill-posting - her words twisted like a hangman's noose!
A Methodist street preacher charged with "transphobic heresy" for reading Leviticus - since when did Holy Scripture become a criminal manifesto?
Worse still, His Majesty's newly formed Thoughtcrime Constabulary compels schoolmasters and apothecaries to inform upon their charges.
Last Michaelmas, a child of nine winters was interrogated like a French spy for drawing Palestinian olive trees!
This is not justice - 'tis the Inquisition reborn, with Bow Street Runners playing the Dominican friars!
I say unto you: Beneath the painted smile of tolerance lurks a Leviathan that would make Hobbes blanch.
Our ancient rights - hard won at Runnymede - are traded for the illusion of safety.
Let every freeborn Englishman refuse this spycraft - let no informers amongst us!
Revive the coffeehouse tradition of vigorous debate - sans fear of the bailiff!
Teach our children virtue through Milton and Locke, not through some Ministry-approved catechism!
Shall we be remembered as the generation that surrendered Magna Carta for politeness?
The hour demands we choose: liberty with all its glorious mess, or chains gilded with progressive cant.