i have to catch up on all you sent. but yes very intense, and been my life for years now. to tell the truth, longer. but good news we saved the world , we all did, turns out there is this guy in the boonies of the ozarks who they say seems to be tied to all existance or at least powerful people with pwerful toys tie events to his moods , and he like suddenly fixed it all in the blink of an eye, with the help of everyone and of course our good Lord, and Grace and Love. wow, who would have thought , some hillbilly with flaws and a tourtured life , intensified in the last ten or so years, turns out to be that guy, yep that guy with the job no man would ever wish to have, the job of intitiating the saving of all existence by making it so, simple as that. jack. here check it out and be sure to read all the other peoples posts in the maion area thatr are rather interesting in the effects the world has when a man feels it as much as he sure does. wow the guy feels a lot and i mean wow, so much so the world reflects what ever people do to him, glad all the world love and not hate, and are caring to ensure he is hapopy as he ensures he is happy, cause arent we all tied to the existance just the same, . well most i would suspect, but if it is  hypothetically just him that is, then i cant think of a better guy to have turned down the parts that were offered, and just did the job that was needed for all to benifit and not just be greedy like so many have been to him, he really did us all a service by just being that rather wonderful and kind man he realy is. i thank the guy. truly. here is a link.
http://hellopoetry.com/ricci-moon-scott-crow-moon/
hellopoetry.com
hellopoetry.com
Oh p.s., amazing how well balanced the guy is, no massive ego, no power tripping, just forgivness and kindness with a tantrum here and there as well, a real person should have. but, yeah, amazing and he is not too bad looking , well, if you are into that  sort of look, but i can forgive the odd things he does, i mean, could you imagine the stress a guy must have doing that job and never asking for it, in fact refused it time and time again so people would not worship or mistake him for some other guy. i mean wow, freaking thoughtful and careing guy, he even humiliated himself several times just to cause the argument to be realevent that he could in no way be the main power guy, cause chossen one or not, he sure a heck held the good things in the right and justly chose to give and also recieve the possitive and teach all that pain is real, and emotions are more, and well a bunch of stuff that said, hey open your mind and consider the odd things, whether true or not, cause we can not have a future of amazing and joyous if we limit our thinking and feeling, and he did it all under the eyes of the world, even editted to look like a bad guy, not unlike bane joker or some weird o who uses crayons to paint the scenes, yeah, some folks thought that would be fun, glad the world saw through the lie of those trying to harm him, his family and the world, cause he really withstood and seems many great people really sacrificed a lot to keep them safe, and i am grateful, turns out hes not a bad guy. even if he endulges in things we all turn a blind eye to it, i mean, come on, you seen that level of preassure in a job with no time off ever? 24/7 365  all day everyday. wow the guy is , okay. i guess. just hope i can do half what he tried to do, cause i am sure it took one heck of a toll and he is just ready to heal and enjoy saving it all, with the help of everyone and well all only by the grace of God, God's will not his nor anyone elses, God sure did save the day when this guy decided to say, hey, enough. and asked the lord for help. smile. you saved the world matthew. thank you. really, i mean it.

I don't want to break
but what's the point
any one
of these old fat rich men
I'd never have to worry about money again
I'd never have to feel the preassure of the outside world
people say I'm brave
maybe I'm tired of that

I love this feeling on my lips
The molded preassure
Conflicted by the hard pressure
Of the table beneath my face.

Growing up

Living without anyone to lean on, to depend upon
without someone to trust
I grew strong yet I am so weak
I grew independent, detached from the world
Always on the verge of breaking, tumbling down
hitting the ground.

Don't get up,
listen
it's not worth it, not wort the pain
It's never getting better
never goes away
Happiness, heart, love
all lies,
Constructs of a world that's not meant for you,
not for me to thrive in.
There are no flowers blooming here.

I need to vent
when it gets to much in the back of my neck
the preassure presses me down
clawing, gnaling, biting into my flesh
Voices in my head, getting louder and louder
a chorus of mine, but no
they're so mean, this can't be me.

What is, who, when for what, and what, why, why?
Oh, to bad, time's up ,
You gotta function again
gotta head out, get to work, get it done then
Yes, Hi how are you? Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
All is fine in the world, have a nice one,
goodbye.

And the voices come back, they're always there
sometimes they're loud,
sometimes lost in the backround somewhere
They're out for what you owe them,
things you put aside for later,
well later is now, payday, Whatcha gonna do?
They're taking out bits and bits till nothing's left.

Hi Dad, it's me
I'm nothing, I'm left
I act, act out, act it out
I need control, so
I go over board, over it all over again.

Till I find my moment, my space
A breath of fresh air,
In and out, for a minute or two
Finally
some Peace

In and out
In all these minutes or two
days, months even becoming years
and still counting,
who is still counting, counting on you?
All of this in this cruel world
this ****** up beautiful mess

That you brought me into.

After
Nights like this
Hundreds of drinks later
Hundreds of people
Shallow like the thick air
You breathe in there

After
Total ups and downs
Oh what euphoria it is,
Riding out highs to the ground
Past the point of throwing up,
Throwing it all away

When the shakes stop
Your fists still hurting
From punching the door
On your way out
"I'm taking five"
A small number

A couple breaths
Curled up
Next to the toilet
Completly overwhelmed
In and out
Should I just go?

Dancing
Behind the stick
Pouring promises of a quick escape
No remorse's found here
No moderation cause
"Tonight we go big
Time to forget ourselves"
To let go of all reason

Melting bonds
Together with your people
We've gone through the fire trials
Together
We do it, again and again
Together

When you can't smell the smoke
Any longer
Hovering in the air
When you can't hear the music
Anymore
A "boom, boom, boom" to the background

When your sweat forms a salty smile
On your shirt
Your face, a pale grimace
Void of any emotion
At this point
Teeth clenched, throat sore
You don't matter anymore

It's us against them
Who will give in first?
Their thirst for more
Or my arms, my legs,
My patience?

They are a constant demand,
For more
Total ignorance,
In pure bliss pure preassure
Ego printed out on paper
Left on the table or thrown at you
On their way out
Pick it up when you clean this mess

When it's over for the night
You come to a stop
Silence
As the world wakes up
And comes alive again,
Slowly

The sun gently lights your face
On your way home
A bit of shelter
Warmth and quiet
A bit of peace

Finally excused,
You hurry home
A couple hours of rest and resignationt
The adrenaline wore off
Put a check behind yesterday
It's over and done

Four, five, six
Hours
A quick bite, sleep, repeat
Rest
The to do list of today
Already delivered to your pocket

Time's up
You blinked twice
You said you wouldn't do that anymore
Have to get going now, have to get back
Have to function again
Be there in five

Only then it is,
That you realize
You enjoy losing yourself
In the struggle
In this swirl ******* you in
Deeper and deeper

Time passes
Quicker and quicker
Just a little more
And I can give up
I can give in

And leave everything behind
Leave all reason
Leave all trouble
Awake but unconscious
Dead or alive
Night or day

Look,
How messed up you have become
For a nicle and a dime
Your life's gone grey, gone grim
Gone bitter

It's after nights like this
That you get the hint of a feeling
That you went wrong somewhere
Togehter with a clear feeling
Of deserving it
You deserve to end here

Intellectualising my desire
Making up excuses
No shame
I don't even want it
Smart ***

Really
No preassure here
Whatever you feel the most comfortable with
You can come on over
We'll just talk
Promise

Spitting lies
To her, to myself
I'm doing fine
Trying to get by
Doing right by
Her

Ah yes
The great she
It's all for her
I put a princess on a pedestal

Watch her reign
Maybe she can tame
Me, the animal

It's true
I can be
whoever I want
When I'm with you

No pressure to be
Anything
No preassure to perform

But I'm left asking myself
Now,
As I see less an less of you
As you're out with your new friends
Spend time with your girl
All this time

Was it because you saw me
And accepted me as I am
Or was it because
You don't  really know
How to care?