Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
dan hinton May 2012
I am the first to admit
I’m not God’s gift to women
It’s more like a penance when I’m involved really
And I am certainly a little rough around the edges
But there are certain things you can do
To make yourself more respectable to the fairer ***
Like: be wary of your weight and what suits
Don’t loaf onto a bus with your gut
Hanging out, wearing a stained Hawaiian t-shirt
Sweating like a hog in the midday sun.
I know ladies make allowances:
Ineptitude
Dickishness
Bravado
Rudeness
Even arrogance.
But even our fair compadres draw the line
At sheer disregard for personal hygiene.
I wonder what people think
When they go out dressed like that?
They’re either one of three things:
Very ignorant to what women want,
Femo-phobes,
Or they think they got something god-**** special
No woman can resist.
july hearne Sep 2018
we stood in our scarlet, costco bought handmaiden costumes
wordlessly taking a stand
because words matter

it is a stoic thing
to make history

kamala harris
wisely having her moment
so far, the height of her career

then we re-enacted various episodes
of House of Cards
all in front of Judiciary Committee

afterwards, we were given some money.

before going home to watch netflix, we had to educate the world
on the language they are and are not allowed to use,
because we need to control the world's vocabulary
especially since so many people are ******-phobes
and we still think the term "hateful bigot" holds power.

thank god for the 25th amendment,
there is no way in hell that we will lose another election,
but if we do, we can always fall back on 25A.
*Leonard Cohen-The Future
Ashish Gupta Aug 2013
The heaviest of fall shall not bid him crawl.
The phobes will bawl, the machine will maul,
But the spirit shall hold; through it all.

The daggers of hate, the arrows of fate,
reflected by the soul, sparkle anew facet,
diamonds they are all, for he is the state.

In tears of a warrior trickle words of a sage,
His grand last stand, heralds a new age.
CopyRight (c) 2013 Ashish Gupta
CC BY-NC-ND 3.0 www.ashishgupta.biz
Mateuš Conrad Feb 2017
i was going to fold the sunday newspaper many times...
just to get a postcard sized output...
or whatever you'd like to call it...
   i was taught that creasing pages of books
or folding edges of pages in book
was very much a blasphemy...
     call that weird, i call living to reach
atheism and vomitting scientific facts
   a bit like creating a Frankenstein monster...
  to be honest, i feel like a frankenstein monster...
    i have absolutely no care for allegiance...
i'm in free-fall mode...
     i feel nor care to feed some patriotic
adventure into a war...
  i was folding a sunday newspaper
remembering that fetish i had for
three newspapers being opulent and about
men imitating women by folding them
akin to knitting... the guardian,
the daily telegraph and the times...
   only one of the three remained true to its roots...
i loved watching people fiddle with these
titans... folding them like taking a scrap
of a toilet-paper bite and folding it several
times before taking another fold...
and wiping for the **** that could just as well
be a mouth...
        we also call it playing cards...
that game where your *** speaks more reason
than your mouth, and how
     the three top layers of cards, king queen
and jack are doubled to have a mouth
either side of the mouth-**** copernicus...
    so you can't tell the two apart...
**** or talk? dunno... it sounds very much alike.
  but these co-op people are bothering me....
they're asking me about my age
every time i buy a beer...
   is that some sort of pick-up line?
          ok ok, i get the acne and it's not comfortable
for me either, i guess my *** could make it
into a fashion magazine quicker than my face...
   what's this?
             i get the acne, i have a beard...
do babies have beards?
       it's a beer... it's not a bomb...
    this has to be some sort of fetish...
                       it's a bit like finding your second
loss of virginity... apparently it's called 25...
  it's not even murky waters of 16 / 18...
do i look over 25?
    ha ha... yeah mate... 30...
     i feel like chewing on some chicken bones,
or biting into a human cheek, to bite past the cheek
and eat the tongue in cheek...
     why do people become so annoying that
you retaliate thinking about cannibalism?
   what's with them being so primmed into
the role of supermarket cashiers?
     they're gagging for violence, aren't they?
they are... they must be...
           oh right... oscar night...
  this sunday times magazine... kept folding it
and folding it... until it was comfortable to read,
hardly a reason to do the same with a hardback book....
oh wait... the heresy, and the need to respect the book
as if every book was a koran,
bookmarks... but no no to folding
the edges of pages having arrived at...
you want to know a secret?
  Poles have a tendency to mummify flowers
  by putting them in books... true story...
Poles mummify flowers by storing them in books...
if you really want to understand the true
bibliophiles... as the Poles what they do with them...
   i mean, it would be hard to mummify a cactus in a book,
or that glutton that's the autumn thistle...
      they really do mummify flowers in books,
the Poles... which is why they come up with
the need to use bookmarks, and the religion
of never folding edges of books to replace bookmarks,
or what a suit has, and the cravat suddenly missing...
     now i kinda get why there has been no
islamic attack in poland, this etiquette of
respecting books, translated into how i
might treat a newspaper... folding it...
     jaw for jaw... manidble, cheap, cheap and
everyday... about to be deemed fake...
      i get that, like i know you take off the sleeve
of a hardback edition and then put it back
on once you handled the didlo fabric...
                and some women might
call charming the limp phallus like man might
charm a white rabbit from a top-hat...
    or what the madonna-***** complex explains...
had it been better approved for the care to
explain today... or vhy whittle kaiser wilhelm
was the  original oedipus prototype / the freudian muse...
what was my original concern to fill
the void of defeat that's: making war using a blank canvas?
oh right... la la land... the actress...
    emma stone... it's like i almost recognised her face...
i was thinking ethan hawke...
but i was thinking of a different red-head...
i was thinking the film predestination...
and... she almost looks like both a shadow and a face
thief at the same time, to define the case of
doppelganger...
   but it really wasn't her... it was sarah snook...
another redhead...
or maybe it was this private conversation that
had me started... or how: predestination
can be replaced by a concept that's even more
shock-awe... coincidence?
    i make history happen in the private
sphere of counter ego-tripping
by making newspapers into origami,
        folding them to make digesting them more
realistic, and also opportunist...
                 sometimes i do make the odd punctuation error,
but then again... look at all this space









                                                  ­                 .
just one of the reasons people write poetry,
or at least what later becomes non-orthodox
avoiding of rhyme...
  rhyme used to be the original punctuation
in poetry, people used to
   eat and
                 sleep...
   but then writing poetry became an uncertainity
concerning the paragraph,
it was eaiser to punctuate a paragraph
knowing if; or: and esp., to say something more...
   which is one of the reasons for the "improvement"
of punctuation, the dot dot dot of poets
and the ditto enclosure of existentialist philosophers.
poetry to me is a deviation from punctuation,
it requires the cascade mechanism to allow it
expression with bravado, and the zenith of
arrogance...
                         to me poets are
punctuation-phobes....
                                  here me... imitating the two
figures in the Salmaan Rushdie novel, d i.e.,
  what was it? two people falling off a plane...
one drops like a tombstone stiff...
                the other is all panicky pretending to
invoke the capacity of being a pigeon...
what was that book?
              still.... i was just buying a beer and i get
asked for my age...
                i sometimes love when people
can be as annoying as that...
                        if i were a woman i'd be saying
that it was a compliment;
so i am... writing this "poem".
stephen mastel Nov 2015
By the show of hands, how many wonna attend my funeral


not that am joking but doctors have proved am suffering from success


they said its a strange disease coz its only symptom are blessings in excess


its not communicable nor viral its acquired spiritually.







I don't rock Versace but my worn out t-shirts reveals my healthy body


sometimes I walk naked but am blessed coz I always afford to wear a smile


my name don't appear on the phobes list but  God is the author of my story


I don't dine with kings I dine with the king of kings am sorry
Mateuš Conrad Mar 2022
title: <Xi>
body:
Xi:
the 11th
pretender
from Xina.   502 bad gateway bypass


after a sexless decade of my 20s... well... "sexless"...
there were the odd instances,
one Thai Surprise picked up from a park bench:
how eagerly she went back to my house
and how easily it was to un-package her...
although: i wasn't too sure if i was going to
find a her down below...
                                    the several times in the brothel...
i don't even know how i managed to give
one of them (back then) an ******...
   even she was surprised... apparently it only
happened a second time with me...
i mean with her with me... not that i was the first...
and since that fateful relationship that ended
when i was 21, which only lasted a few months...
i thought i would never have *** that good:
when parting she even tried to tease me about it...
you'll never get it so good...
play the Dandy Warhols' good morning whenever
you want to have *** and think of me...
i'm so thankful i didn't download any hook-up apps,
Tinder Bundle Rumble Fumble Drum-ble
whatever - i missed everything: culturally -
whenever the trends picked up: i just wasn't there...
shoom! the whole hooking-up culture scene just
blew over my head like a fighter-jet...
                      i was at the brothel from time to time...
it just felt... too easy... where there any genuine
transactions? oh god... a dinner date?
who the hell wants to have *** after eating a decadent
meal? i tried something last night...
and it worked like magic...
    a small meal in the afternoon: mainly cottage cheese...
cheese... not yellow cheese... white cheese...
a hot-cross bun and some apricot jam...
most certainly 2x 30minute excruciating cycling
sessions... one before the meal... some trickle of
WHITE WINE... not rose not red... WHITE wine...
half a bottle after the "meal": more like a snack...
the wine sipped... half a bottle...
then that second cycling session... oh... and in between...
jerking off to the pictures she sent me:
of her plush, plump lips... jerking off... but not...
actually *******... get the blood flow evened out...
testing, ch't ch't... testing... everything o.k.?
good... after the bicycle ride finishing off the wine...
relax... get in the mood...
then take a long journey to the brothel...
nothing quick... once there... get about 200cl of
brandy and some pepsi... walk around the brothel,
to the nearby park... drink about 100cl of the brandy
leaving the other 100cl poured into the emptied
pepsi bottle with... obviously some pepsi still in it...
that's for the in between in the brothel...
but i get that... it's transactional...
   i work sometimes 10hour shifts at Wembley...
it's ******* March... it's cold...
sometimes getting there an back means i leave
the house at 7am and come back at... 1am...
         i earned this... but i'm not paying for a *******
dinner date & a "maybe"...
                             and why should i be ashamed
of these women? i don't really have time to judge them...
esp. not this one... oh no no, oh not this one...
this one is special...
                       man... if the next day you wake up
and you're like... ****... my ****-cheeks ache...
oh... right... she wanted to do it in the missionary
position yesterday... no *******...
     i like her approach... a different position per visit...
no... changing positions... none of that...
oh... and look... thinking about my ****-cheek
pain from clenching them too much
   i get a hard-on thinking about her...
                when was the last time i got a hard-on
in the morning just by thinking about a woman?
i can't remember... but hey: here's to the first (time)!
- and i noticed something peculiar yesterday...
it's sort of borrowed from the Kama Sutra...
it's about sizes...
i can't remember what animals are exactly used...
rabbits... deer... and elephants...
for all the size shaming and that sick practice in
pornographic movies where the woman is like:
oh... you're so big...
   she mentioned that i was rich... because i am not
circumcised... ******* is always for the times
when you need to get off on your own...
but pulling it back... it tightens the head of the phallus...
meaning? you get more stamina...
it also increases the "desensitization" of the ******* head...
it tighten it increasing blood flow...
anyway... this size thing... the woman: oh you're so big...
also the woman: **** my tight little *****...
so... large ***** don't exist? and that's somehow
a good thing?
   the Kama Sutra explicitly states...
a rabbit male is not a good match with an elephant
female...
******* loves to explore *****-envy shaming
tactics by pairing up elephant males with
rabbit females... but there's a middle ground...
if she said: whenever a black guy walks into the brothel
i avert my eyes... i don't want to get hurt...
well yeah... elephant males have no problem satisfying
big-**** elephant females... because by the time
he gets to insert his phallus into her vagin...
half of it was already exploring the avenue of ****-cheeks...
i'd say i'm a deer male and she's a rabbit female...
- just a reminder... so you're doing really quick:
semi-violently - pelvis smacking against pelvis...
the skin of either us smacking against each other...
but then you slow down... pulling in and out
gently... she gives off mini-*******... nothing fully
fake akin to When Harry Met Sally... little seismic
tremors... but... ooh... oh... what's this...
there's a suction in place now... i can't exactly pull
out altogether... the body parts are perfectly complimenting
each other...
           and in that moment in between
changing rhythm, pace... i look at her and ask her...
so... can i, ahem "come" in?
                        she gives consent and reassures me:
i'm not going to get pregnant (well i ****** well hope
so)... so it happens...
again... what a strange sensation...
            it's so much different when wearing a ******...
i'm not sure which i found more pleasurable...
my own **** being submerged in its own *****...
as if vomiting food up to your mouth...
and then instead of ejecting the *****...
swallowing it back down... like the Taurus that i am...
or... directly into her...
for her it's different too... because... when you do it
into the ******... you sort of feel like she's...
not actually willing to waste the juice as it were:
for her the juice is worth the squeeze... or...
the slap on the ***...
     so how do these "unwanted" pregnancies occur?
i could have pulled out without a problem...
i mean... ******* is not a process akin to
spontaneous combustion... i mean:
  i woman knows when you're about to *******...
she feels it... you feel it... but she also feels it...
she can tell... that's why i paused and asked her...
so much easier... when you're paying for what you
really want...
i will never forgot those words she said:
oh... i have exclusive rights to ******* her without
a ******... if my charm offensive didn't work on Jeminah...
offering to learn German with her son,
flowers for Valentine's day, banana loaf,
    homemade wine... i wasn't going to stick around...
bemoaning my failure... ****** off elsewhere...
and i work an honest job and earn an honest wage...
so... i'll spend it on something as pristine and honest as:
i could never **** someone for free - not really...
you never really **** someone for free anyway...
but it's strange for the dynamic has flipped...
i hear stories of women who were part of the hook-up
culture giving up their *** for free...
but now... are looking for men to step-up and pay
for dinner-dates etc.,
look at me... i came with payment first...
laid it on the table... cold hard £120...
               and yesterday? she wants to meet up...
outside of the brothel... aha... ha, ha ha...
    now? the *** is secured...
                               what's a dinner date?
                                       let's just say... £60...
right... and then? i'm not paying for an hour...
i'm getting the whole ******* night... for free!
well... we might want to get the night going:
the ****** rampage on neutral ground...
in a hotel... so i cough up another... say £60...
i might have spent just as much: but i'm getting
the whole night to be with her: not merely a hour...
we sort of came up with this scheme
when after i ******* into her and we took
a break to smoke a cigarette, drink a little brandy
and pepsi... talk... then we lay side by side...
gloriously naked... before i got another hard-on...
5 minutes to the hour... i once thought about exploring
the possibility of a vacuum cleaner...
ha ha... borrowed... from... Scary Movie...
Doofy? right? stop disturbing me when i'm cleaning
my woom! ha ha...
   yeah... big time *****... she started jerking it
between ******* it... spitting on it... putting it close
to her open mouth while jerking it off...
(not the type of girl that likes to eat potential children,
i mean, even prostitutes have standards,
you have to respect them, no mention of a ***-shot
on her eye-brows or on her chest or into her mouth,
my first girlfriend was into eating potential children,
it's sort of ugly)
spitting do the trick so she got the lubricant out...
5 minutes... yeah... i concentrated my efforts...
clenched my ****-cheeks... job done...
             - today i'm just sitting back... thinking all of
this through... a bottle of white wine is also very comforting...
the idea that i have to iron some shirts is also:
very to my taste... just vacuumed the house...
hmm...
   oh... my exclusive unprotected *** rights to her?
she mentioned other customers...
aqua-phobes... people who are afraid of washing themselves...
i'm pedating about staying clean, fresh,
she's too... she complained about Asians like this...
hey... Turkish lady can complain about someone
who doesn't wash himself... no problem with that...
but he's not putting his ******* poker into the fire
directly... he's going to have to put on a mini-latex-tracksuit
and... do what i already explained...
have his **** covered in its own *****...
   but then again... i'd love to try full body latex fun...
but... not yet and n'ah... not getting enough of it:
to fill-up your libido's demands...
perfectly wholesome orthodox *** is what i need
right now...
                 and music... that's important...
Nine Inch Nails - esp. the Fragile... that album is just
***... esp. when you're gearing up to the act...
walking alone in the streets... with night-owl people
around you sort of eerily thinking you're stalking
them...
but how the hell did i manage to bypass the hook-up
culture dynamic, conundrum...
once the hooking-up has died down...
and people are... well once they got it for free...
but now... want investments...
dinner dates & "maybes"...
                         i don't see the logic of that?
me... i went in hard... paid up-front...
                   and now? i'll be getting a better bargain...
i might be spending just as much...
dinner... and a hotel room... but...
   it won't be for an hour... but the whole night...
and it will be guaranteed...
- plus i gave her a signed copy of physical copy
of my poetry book i self-published... well...
funded the publishing of / printing back in Poland...
it even has an authentic review at the front
by this Armenian...
      she asked me if i could teach her English...
hmm... that wouldn't be a bad idea...
i could learn some Turkish while i was at it,
plus the current job i'm doing i'm only doing to get
good references... if you want to apply for a job
as a teacher... you can't have references from family
members... and since i worked with my father
in roofing (St. Bart's Hospital, various housing
projects, Scottish Widows' HQ etc.)
but i could start my teaching career early...
even though i have a degree in chemistry: i don't want
to teach chemistry... it's too objective...
too rigid... i need something more fluid: subjective...
sure... you have objective language...
but you also have subjective language...
plus... the idea of exporting my ideas to the Turkish
speaking world... probing a possible...
third branch of Islam... what other Muslims can a European
reason with, if they're not Turks?
i go to a Turkish barber... i now have... i wouldn't
say a girlfriend... but she's Turkish...
can a ******* ever be a girlfriend?
we're in the NOW... whatever happens in the background:
is in the background... behind this massive
crimson curtain... but at least it's out in the open
and i'm not one of those guys who ask girls
for their "body count"... i don't mind that...
but i abhor the chastity veil... pretending like...
oh no no: nothing happened prior...
                 let the **** float: so i can see it...
rather than stuff it with lead bullets and then chaining
me to it so it drags me down towards:
despair... i want despair out in the open...
then... it isn't despair anymore... but a platitude of
transparency i can deal with...
it's so much easier when you have these two golden
rules:
treat others like you'd like to be treated &
                don't spin false narratives...
hmm... Istanbul... sounds very tempting...
            plus, it's not like the Turks haven't knocked
on Europe's door through the Balkans: not ever...
and they don't mind drinking...
which is a good thing - always, esp. for me...
yeah... if i started with teaching her English...
               i'd love to get into that...
            and if i got some Turkish in return... hmm...
not a bad idea... actually: a very good idea...
no wonder i associate my prime totem with a fox...
well... and crows... and bulls...
hmm...
         now's not the time for daydreaming:
that comes later...
                 at this point... it's time to gloat...
                      so much for a generation of people who
hooked up for *** for free...
nothing is ever free... not even access to oxygen:
you have to make the effort to breathe...
in: hooh...               out:     ah...
                           thank god those years of hook-up
culture bypassed...
now i don't have to deal with dinner dates & "maybes"...
just... changed around a charge for an hour
into a dinner date and a night at a hotel; certain.

- and now i get to groove and sing along to
all the female-power... Sugababes' - round round...
round round baby
   i don't need no man i get my kicks for free...
round round.

— The End —