You're always happy.
It's a front.
It's a mask for the hurt that hides beneath those cold brown eyes.
Your mouth smiles but your eyes do not,
Nor does your heart.
It frowns and sighs deeply,
Longing for the trust and love it deserves.

Always happy,
Always nice,
Always there.
Doormat.

I know there's more,
But everyone uses you to wipe off their ***** feet between the outside and the inside.
You know, and think hey, at lease I'm not a toilet!
The optimist,
But why?

I saw it.
You smiled, but for a second it faulted.

All of the hurt,
Hate,
And Hard work,
Hides a soul.
It desperately wants, it needs outoutout,
And all it gets is trappedtrappedtrapped.
And it all hides,
In your sad brown eyes,
Behind that hopeless smile.

To the fly
buzz buzz tap tap buzzing on the ceiling of insanity-
*******
you are. Worth nothing
abandoned by family and imprisoned in a glass house
your death will be a grace unblossomed
a ******* of the ears, an unholy echo
my consciousness is screaming
outoutout **** fly
fly. out ****
your death was a pleasure to me a
smudge on the comsos

Onetwothreefour
Onetwothreefourfivesixseven
Onetwothreefourfivesi­xseveneight.
Onetwothreefour
Onetwothreefourfivesixseven
Onetwoth­reefourfivesixseveneight.
Onetwothe blinding light.
Bright.
****.
Onetwothreefourfi—ants.
Crawling up and down my spine.
Fire. Electrifying my veins
Ripriprip them out.
Bleed the bad out.
****.
Onetwothreefourfivesixsev
There is no solitude.
There is no true isolation
When every time my eyelids shut
His face is branded on the inside like veins.
Proteins and cells dance together
Into memories far gone and much missed.
One breath in.
If only that would do the trick.
But there is obligation in it.
Follow up required.
Two doctors that told me depression was normal.
Follow ups every week to month
To when the next bad reaction to medication.
Three times I accepted him back into my life.
Why did I let him in again?
The flame of ******* is always to be chased
After the first hit.
Four times
That I actually remember him say
That he loved me.
But it would be zero
As to the number of times he proved so.
Five years since I have been happy.
Or is it more?
I don’t remember anymore.
Six…six…six…
Because I chose to side with the devil
Since God would not love me.
Seven was my lucky number
Until I concluded that
Luck must not run in my family.
Eight. Open.
In.
Onetwothreefour.
Hold. Still.
Onetwothreefourfivesixseven.
Outoutout.
Onetwothreefourfiv­esixseveneight.
Are you okay now?

What a stupid question.