I started smoking regularly.
I started sleeping until 2 or 3pm.
I started not being able to fall asleep until 5/6am.
I ****** a complete stranger.
He left me more empty
Than anything.
I thought of you.
That it was you.

****** up, huh?
I helped Austin cheat.
We sent nudes back and forth.
I don't know why.
His girlfriend still doesn't know
The full extent of it.

****** up, huh?
I wish I was with you still.
I don't know why.
I wish I was over you.
I wish I could wake up
And have a whole day where
Someone could say "khayllia"
And I wouldn't cringe
And my heart wouldn't hurt.
But that day hasn't come yet.
I'm so lost.
Not because you left me.
But because you left me alone.

You don't talk to me. And I wish you would.
When you left I didn't just lose a girlfriend. I lost a friend. I don't know what to do or what to say or how to say it.
There's no easy way out of this.

You called me again at 2:30 am.
I don't know what to make of it.
That was about two days ago.
You apologized and
Never texted me back.

Do you only think of me when you
Can't sleep?

Its 8:11 am and I haven't slept yet.
I thought I was done crying
Over you, but apparently not.

I'm in the bathrobe you got me.
Its the only thing I'm wearing.
And I'm crying.

I still think of you every day.
I still miss you every day.
If someone brings you up
My heart crumples
A little more
Every
Day.

And I don't know what to do about it.

I love you. I'm sorry you weren't and aren't happy with me. I'm sorry I kissed Tracy Saturday.
Even though we are broken up, it still felt like I was cheating. You were still mad.
I just...needed to feel something that wasn't ******* pain.
It wasn't that good. I wasn't trying to make you jealous. If I was, I certainly would have told you the second it happened.
But I am sorry you had to find out through other people.
I can't seem to let you go. I love you so **** much. All I can do is cry and throw up. I tried cutting myself. Four cuts on my leg and I couldn't bring myself to keep on going. What a ***** I am.
If you go to prom it'll be so heartbreaking. Both of us in our navy blue, but dancing separately.
I don't know if I'll be able to stand it.
I think I'll need a drink or two this Saturday.
I just miss you so ******* much. You were (are) my world.
I was so sure of you. I'm so stupid. So trusting, even after everything that happened. I wish you knew how much longer this "time alone" would take for you, because it's driving me out of my mind.

12-14: Jacob Harris.
14-16: Mykayla Bradshaw.
16: Raymond Crawford.
16: Gin Berry.
16: Mickaela Maxwell.
17-present: Khayllia Harrell.

I gave Jacob my Innocence.
I gave Mykayla my Trust.
I gave Ray my Self-esteem.
I gave Gin my Confidence.
I gave **** my Hope.
I am giving Khayllia my Brokenness.

(K- if you are reading this, I'd suggest stopping.)


I remember being with Mykayla and just feeling happy. Her laugh made me laugh. Her tears made me cry. Her skin was my skin. I know I talk about the bad times a lot, but 80% of our relationship was blissfully good. She was family. She could've been the one. She was my first, and I wanted nothing more than for her to be my last. We got so comfortable in our relation ship. It was like we were married. Our bond was so strong. We'd **** burp *** and **** in front of each other. We'd yell and fight and cry and fall asleep together all the same. No matter how bad it got, I knew it'd be worse once me and M broke up.

I was so sure of her and I.

Just like I'm so sure of you and I.

I'm not comparing you two, because I love you so **** much. You are worth more than a million billion trillion quadrillion mykaylas.

I can't afford to lose you. I need you so much it hurts. Please remember this. I cant lose you. If I do? I'm ******.

I feel like I belong with you.

And I hope you feel the same way.

Because if I felt that lost with a girl who
Soon got addicted to **** and failed
High school,
I cannot imagine how lost I will be when I lose my blond haired blue eyed girl.

I'm gonna be one sad girl if this ever ends.

I thought you cared about me.
I thought you loved me.
I thought you wanted this to be a forever
Kind
Of
Thing.

Now I know it was all a lie.
You and Sam are
"Together but not together"
So I'm letting you go.

I've been hurt before.
Just stop lying and own up to
What you do.

You don't care enough about me.
Its all about her now.
She is new, exciting,
Shiny.
My body is boring now.

Whatever.

Oh Khayllia--
Isn't she just so beautiful?
So new.
Her cute curly hair
And her dimples when she smiles.

I bet it feels so good
Knowing you make her feel special.

She's so short.
Her eye brows plucked to
Perfection.
She is sweet.

I can see why you
Pulled her in.

You're such a snake.
I wonder how long it'll
Take you to get bored with her.
I wonder how much
It'll hurt her.

I feel my life
Moving on without me
Because I'm stuck in the past
In stuck on the way she kissed me
I'm stuck on the way he held me

Im stuck in the way she left me
Im stuck in the way he criticized me

Help me I'm so stuck
I'm drowning in my emotions
And Khayllia is my sinking lifeboat

I am all alone.
Nobody to talk to.
Nobody to understand.

I feel it again,
Feel myself shrinking back
Until I'm a shell.
Until the only thing I can feel
Is my heart painfully beating.

Its like my own body wants to die.
Its never hungry.
My smile is mechanical.
I'm simply playing a role
Instead of living my life.

Khayllia, I've turned into you.
I'm not happy with anything too.