capricorn Kerri counts money
and compensates for her losses
with lots of cold hard truth

she says, you’re like
a tulip that bloomed in February
when there was still snow coming
you sprung forth in all of your glory
just to arrive in a moment
that wasn’t ready for you
and now you’re just some jutted textures
on a once ignited presence.

to be honest, i trully, only remember four "things"
                                      from primary school, the names:
  danielle (brown hair, freckles),
  michelle (a beauty from the philippines)
& samantha (goregous curly amber
    soaked hair, and a slightly chubby face,
that only added to the exfoliating effect
           for an added worth's of beauty),
             kerri-ann (ice-skater in later life);
let's just say i began fancying girls,
a little bit early,
having started ******* aged 8,
without ******* any *****...
oh... dar she blows!
                            and the catholic argument!
what was the argument?
                 where, *****, where baby, where
foetus, what?! now you're ******* ******* on me
with your quack quack quack... quack quack...
miracle of life, fake awe stance...
                  you ever ****** off and felt
the pleasure from the muscles tensed, being relaxed
and no ***** coming out?
           i guess that's a no then...
                   you "matured" until you
got a hand-job of phallatio from the opposite ***...
so your argument, comes from being impregnated
by a woman's ego once she did some ******
act on you...      applause!              encore!
more! more! more! more of these useful idiots!
oh i'll rip this church to shreds, should i even have
to die mad;
teaching these high moral stakes to children at school,
and you think? you think? there will not be
a backlash?
                         how about you crucify them fake
like the jews tell their children to
sing at a ******* bar mitzvah? can you
hear the songs coming from cross of 13 year olds?
  ******* sadists.
oh no, you ain't having the high ground again,
you had your chances... you ****** up,
                                   start the degenerate programme
escapade; start looking for your eyes
   in your loved one's lost pair of spectacles
lying somewhere in a dark alley;
   just fake victorian on me once, and you'll see
what happens when later desire to expose yourself
as "modern" with a ***-tape...
                what a bunch of schizoids-anti-sapiens!

when I was 9, I was in an abusive relationship with a gymnastic center
they didn’t care if you were hurt, tired, sick
they didn’t care if you were scared
or unable to safely perform high degree of difficulty moves
these were the days of Kerri Strugg vaulting to gold on a broken ankle
I spent hours a day in that gym, four to six days a week during the summer
I competed, I won ribbons, trophies, medals
I had boxes of these things
too many to set on a shelf or hang on a wall

when I wanted to switch gyms
my mom made me go in by myself to tell them
I was 9
the mean old lady in the office who smelled like smoke and death told me no
I don’t remember her logic
only that she emphatically told me I couldn’t quit
I don’t remember how I responded
with meek fear, I imagine
I did leave that day though, never to return
it would be 3 more years before I left the sport altogether
with destroyed knees and emotional trauma
I was supposed to go to college on gymnastics scholarships
my parents had invested
they almost moved the whole family to another state for a gym that boasted Olympic athletes
quitting was the hardest thing I had ever done
walking away from abuse is never easy
even less so for a child whose life was defined by bullying, manipulation, and emotional neglect
I remember my coach asking me once if I’d eaten a whole pizza and gallon of milk the night before
I was too young to understand why he was asking but the disdain came across clearly

my dad never spoke to me about quitting
I could only imagine the disappointment

I’m used to a lack of support
judgement, criticism, bullying
I have more memories of those coaches and kids than my parents and sister,
they started me at 3, I joined the competitive team at 7, and the other girls were years older than me
I’m used to feeling alone and facing things alone
I’m used to emptiness
I’m used to one sided relationships and keeping things to myself
I’ve rarely felt anything else
there were brief interludes
a relationship in high school, a good boss for a few years
but I don’t feel strong today
I don’t feel independent in a healthy way
lately I just feel tired
my heart hurts
and life seems too long