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Morgan Ella May 2012
not in the usual way with
bent knee and bowed head
but with nag champa and cd inserts, with
deep reds,
plastic costume jewelry beading and safety pinned rips.
it was post cards and cigarette ash
with Kroger's box dye in
rusted orange.
staining our fingernails. didn't matter. we painted them in
neon green and chunky glitter. we stayed up late and wandered
laughter like a shattered diamond breaking into a million stars and thrown out over such a welcoming ivory towered
night sky.
and itallian food households with those noodles in jars.
looking up.
it was Billy Corgan telling us he'd
sing along.
it was memories that aren't even mine. cut in my eyes.
it was blunt bobs and pixie haircuts.  it was cut necklines and walking on air. giant chain necklaces and whispered chap-lipped secrets.
endless folds and bottomless love
in a deliciously musty floral hat box.
you're just low end in
loving apathy.
and i'm absent in my own life.
it was an interruption so unspeakably painful.
doesn't seem so hard to revisit.
but i can't.
Mateuš Conrad Jan 2019
.all of Dante: no feminism; surely woman was such a half-"breed" that she didn't deserve the partiarchal sustenance anomaly of a Dante... a: mutation... half-wit me: succor? no succor! surely a man these days, would rather read ****-****** poetry from the 20th century, and watch football... than be levelled to a "need" to fathom the courtship of woman... it's enough for me to read the Braille of a key and a keyhole: and... like... some miraculous enterprise of a door... i'm out: dodo project... all the man that i will ever be: is being the man i was not expected to be: one thing being a puppet in the hands of the gods: another to be a puppet being kicked and shoved by a fellow human mob; fin; yep... fancy a gambled spotting of a Dante on a roundabout of: on a whim, within a whim, and... whenever she puts on lipstick in an advert: i am not thinking about her thinking of the metaphor for: *******.

you know...
i once stop myself...

i'm reading some
homosexual poetry
from the 1950s

and then i...
"reflect":

what is woman
writing in
the 21st century...

??????

archeologist...
certainly not
an entymologist...

one word...
pre-
whatever ethnic
grouping i was
part of...

***'gy'el...
one word savior,
much more
than an "our father..."

oh i'm way, way past
brown, coco,
copper tanning,
way past the Bangladeshii:
100 shades of
  goo...

gold smitten...
and some of Cairo
hushed extra-
     extravagance
of the dimmed
sandy-
-hued locket of
             timid amber...

4 artifacts from
the 20th century
imprinted on my collectivised
aspect of a singling out
mind:
the holocaust
of the 1940s...
itallian **** from the 1970s...
music videos
from the 1980s...
t.v. reruns of cartoons
in the 1990s...
4th artifact... ****!
****!

what's the fourth 'un?

westerns:
with their scoop of:
any action, no action,
all action:
   panorama to boot...
a decade bias:
'60s...

             and with so many
takes on, "the trip",
i sometimes they didn't
drag god, the word, logos,
into their phantoms
upon the wake...
if only... they didn't desecrate
the shrines of
ingesting hallucinogenic
fungus,
by simultaneously
writing about them:

no go: zombie area...
   i too wish:
no x-ray was handy
in the variety of poem...
but:
******* desecrated
the sights...
like the machu picchu
of the soul...

what then:
at the end of a bottle?
another bottle!

       and prior to?
all of the worthy set
that constitutes
the making of life:
in the collective quest
of the repeated set
of mistakes.

- i tune in into
the speakeasies of
american psychologists
who:
a controversial
opinion is as much
degrading
as a shot of *****...

they could have tripped
all they wanted...
but have recorded:
nothing of their
experiences...

   and all would be:
just as well...
stiff & the stale Vatican:
holy men
for a worth of a leather
shoe... or a cotton shroud's
worth of a hood 'n'
fabric...

                as i sometimes...
have to stop...
no writing,
and interlude of reading...
and nothing but
a shelter in music...

rarely does the sound
of falling rain
compensate
music...

     i remember that the first
time i heard
       ola gjeilo i was in
transit, i cried,
because only the kind
of beauty never to be
attached in attaching itself
to the world, the organic,
will ever make me
cower into complete
shadow:
disowning a heart,
both in rhythm as
           in subject-matter...

now i know the word
to counter what
is being strained:
4000 b.c.

                to boot...
summary:

40s lamb for the slaughter...
70s italian ****,
80s music videos,
90s televised cartoons...
50s new york poetry...

         some jazz,
some painting,
   and then some of 21st century's
summary "criticism"...
         19th century architecture...

but of course...
  none of this even
suggests a chance to savour
  a contemplation
as recuperation...

         to me?
the poets of the 20th century...
should have never have
dragged
  the word into the phantasmagorical
world of the fungus "deity":
namely?
whatever word
is to be extracted from the dream
world is nothing but:

****, skyscraper,
*****, oyster, hat...
             screwdriver...

we have been abandoned
by dreams
...

we have been kicked out
from our "2nd Eden",
the Eden of Dreams...
and, it's as if:
we... "don't know it"...


i can only see my persistent
inability to dream,
the anglo-saxon lie that:
we can elaborate on
sleep with: staggering
dream-architectures...

      no! we've been kicked out!
second strike!
i blame the beatnik poets:
because why would you
drag the word into
hallucinogenic experiences...
while desecrating
the altar of the unconscious?

to have been kicked out
of the Eden of Sleep...
is to face the reality
of standing before
the Narcissus of a mirror's
rejection of the 3D man...
an no 2D avatar waiting:
mind you...
   the atom, the... "man"...

i sleep, i don't dream,
all i see is the
gnawing worm:
                         εποχoν -
the bulwark
released from
being tied to an orbit
for our safety: on a leash:

gnarl - up!
and gnashing teeth
like a mythology
of a grinding into
    spit
from a crushing wheel;

however much i try...
i can't dissociate
the following:

fjør-

                             & -skå...

da!

             no anglo-saxon can
lie to me,
in saying:
  he's the architect of
the dream-world:
while mine:
    remains shackled
to ruin...

                     and sometimes:
baron music
shoves a sock soaked
in **** down my throat:
and i...

mingle fingers away from
flesh,
and entomb them
in the wind:
and lacerate myself
with a vision
of an x-ray's worth
of gaze.
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2019
napierdala was prawda.
_______

marvin gaye - heard it through
the grapevine (remastered)...

         well...
                    i can listen to that ****
all day...

i don't even know what these
western supposed "communists"
are doing,

seems i've changed curtains,
came from under an iron curtain,
for a brief while surfaced,
gasped, and was forced below
the waters under the sicilon
curtain...

           it was fun, i have to admit...
what a little nieche we had
on youtube for over 10 years...
before we were taken seriously...

i won't translate those three words,
something else has crossed my attention,
namely regarding the subjects
of the British Raj...

          now... not many people are proud
of being subjegated to a colonial power,
akin to England...
          where did it all begin?
for the english speaking throng: africa...
mind you, i think life started in India...
but these indians and pakistanis in
current day England?
   i've never imagined to see a group
of people, so so proud in being
a formerly colonialißed people:

   why is there so much ****-****-hurt
ambition to "fit it", while keeping
up with selling a sari?
or a niqab?
                  i just imagine the times
relevant to lawrence of arabia...
  **** me, even the kenyans are like:
huh?!
      slave trade my ***...
blame the dutch *******...
        not the Idi Amin of Uganda...
the former kings of Africa who sold
their people into slavery...
you think a dutchman can outrun
a Usain Bolt on the African savannah?!
a lie was sold, by the African rulers...

   and the terrible deed: of picking cotton?
so... so i guess not confined
to mining coal among the leprechauns?!
picking cotton: hard work...
migrant workers from eastern europe
picking strawberries in sweden...
ooh... hard hard labour!

                    sorry, i'm not buying...
but these asians amaze me...
they are actually proud,
of being former colonial subjects...
  they are in full glee when associating
themselves with the, dead british empire,
when, "addressing" european migrants
to england: they actually think in terms
of post-racial superiority...
oh g-g be play cricket too
we drink tea with milk too!
english people eat our curry!
bud bud!

                picking cotton was such a bad
"deal": be thankful the white-boy-*******
were mining coal for you...
   and whaling...
           people are still employed picking
strawberries...
   and in that famous slavic proverb:
what the **** does a (piernik)
          lebkuchen have anything to do
with a windmill?!
   i.e.: what does a gingerbread
                 have to do with a windmill?!

no african slave trade to h'america:
no blues, now jazz, no pop music,
    me, still with a clarinet lodged up my ***...
oh yeah: all bad, b'ah b'ah b'ah bad...

still, back to the asians...
   i would have never come across a sort
of people who would celebrate their former
colonized status...
    so much so, that they would,
exfoliate... brag... and deem it fit to
bring other europeans to their heel...
oh sure... and it's not like the Raj didn't
coorporate with the British authorities...

   somewhere in between the collateral
damage brigade you'll find the righteous...
love the food...
          the Indian cuisine is superior to all
other cuisines in the world...
      m'eh... French or Itallian...
            sure... the French can bake...
an indian chapati is crude, aztec even...
but not even a French croissant can beat
an English crumpet...
           it's so good, that an ex-Russian girlfriend
wanted me to call her crumpet...
enough said...

              i would be the kakasha (little ****)
to her whittle crumpet...
        go figure...

and what an unspectacular life i had led...
and how i've managed to squeeze
as much juice from it,
having now found myself:
completing myself,
without the sort of stature of existential
fulfilment associated with fatherhood...
i'm calling for Kant to be the saint
of bachelors...
         after all...
            patience and rubric,
   discipline... really does pay off.

— The End —