The vent in the room where I work is not working
It's failing
It's not doing its job
Vents are supposed to take all the bad air
And purify it
Different than it used to be
Make it new

But the one in HyVee must be broken
Because it just keeps recycling the same air
The stagnant memories from last summer
My frantic thoughts of what I did wrong
And how to get you back

Those got stuck
They became mold spores up in the cracks
Continuing to grow
Months,
Almost a year later
And they continue to circulate
Around the room
And in my mind

I'll have to talk to management
So we can get a new fan.

I remember visiting my mom in rehab as a child. I didn't understand the extreme pain most of these patients were going through and I especially didn't understand why my mom was here. I only have good memories of that place. Our moms met there and that's how I became best friends with your sister. I remember the smell of your oak wood home in the middle of the woods and the huge fireplace in your mostly glass living room. Whenever i enter a house and smell a fire place it instantly takes me back to your home. I remember little baby blue nipping at my feet as I ran across the huge field you had in your backyard and jumping on to the trampoline while we laughed at the fact that Blue couldn't reach us up there. The old broken down tractor at the edge of the woods that we would pretend to drive all the time. My mom slept on your couch and I would visit for the huge fancy meals your mom would make for us all. At that time you were several years older than me and you knew what was going on. You understood that the probability of you ending up like our parents is at a higher percentage than most. I understood nothing. I don't know what happened between our parents but I didn't see you guys for several years after I entered junior high. Fast forward to my first year in college and there was your sister standing at my front door. Friends of friends is how we found each other. I knew this couldn't have been a coincidence and that's a lot coming from someone who doesn't believe that there is a meaning to life. We catch up and reminisced on old times spent together before we exited our childhood. It's almost as if we had never seperated. Several weeks later an unrelated friend told me how he had caught someone doing heroine in the hyvee bathroom while he was working and had the cops take him away. That same night your sister called me to tell me you were in jail. You stayed in the same rehab facility our mothers had and your sister told me how everything was exactly the same but how strange it was to see it all in the eyes of an adult. I finally met you one last time while I was at work and I noticed how happy you made her and how big the smile on your face was. The kindest eyes I had ever seen in my entire life. Several months later they found you dead from an overdose on heroine at you house in Oregon. I brought your sister flowers expecting her to be devastated but she seemed calm and only wished to be outside with her friends. A week later she broke down in my bathroom for the first time.
I had never before attended a celebration of life but as soon as I showed up I knew you would have loved it. We swam in the river with all of our clothes on to cool off and I let everyone hotbox my car several times just to help cope. I ran away from my mom upon her arrival because I knew I reeked of ****. You would have found that hilarious seeing as though i'm nearly 21 and you know the stuff our mothers did together when they were younger. I met your girlfriend and although she seemed at ease it broke my heart to see such a beautiful small yet strong woman go through what has happened. We all sat around a huge bonfire with glow sticks and fire dancers doing tricks in front of us. I watched your mom and your sister do the most beautiful spiritual dance around the fire. Even though they had no idea what they were doing it nearly brought me to tears. Your family loves you Ryan, Your friends miss you and I am happy that you have been given the chance to move on from this universe and hopefully start over somewhere new.

One
They don’t know that 19-year-old doesn’t want them
The way they want to be wanted
To be needed
Like a housewife
To a loving caring husband
In their 30’s with four children and a great big house
He doesn’t share those dreams
Two
They like the attention they’re getting what they’ve never gotten before
When you used to be the ugly, weird girl
No one really paid attention to you
Until him
Even though you liked him first
Made sure he knew it
Had your friends help you message him
He was surprised
Three
He made you feel special
He told you that you were the only girl he was talking to
He told you that he seriously adored you
Four
We talked about everything
Almost
We talked about the good things in our day
We talked about movies
We talked about everything instead of what really was going on
I didn’t tell you I had an eating disorder
I didn’t tell you I was being abused
I didn’t tell you that every day I felt like ending it
That you and my friends were the only things keeping me tethered to the world
I didn’t tell you how much I loved you
How much I was falling
Five
You said how much you wanted to kiss me
Hold me, make sure that everything was okay
How you couldn’t wait for me to turn sixteen
11 months
Until...
Six
You couldn’t understand why I liked you so much
You said “I’m a letdown, It’s like when you thought you bought sweet tea but it’s actually unsweetened”
Verbatim
I thought that was so
Poetical
So deep
I realize now how wrong I was
Seven
You wanted to teach me how to kiss
Because I didn’t know how
I was unexperienced
Eight
We were so cringy
Looking back at it
I thought this supposed to be it
Calling you sweetheart and baby
When you barely knew the real me
You knew me but didn’t know
My trauma
What woke me up in the middle of the night
What I dreamed of
I longed for
My passion that I woke up every day to do
You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you
Because you never asked
Nine
You met my mom
Over video chat
I ensured her that she would love you
Just like I did
I told her all the good parts of you
And finally how happy I was with you
You said you were so nervous
But she didn’t think you were that bad
Ten
We wanted to meet up
We were going to meet at Hyvee
We planned it one day
When my mom had to pick up her medication
You were going to walk from your apartment while my mom went to the pharmacy
While I waited by the bathroom
Our plan was to have our first kiss
Maybe introduce you to my mom
Like we had both bumped into each other
Eleven
You were so much more attentive than Gabe
I told you about him
How he was my first real boyfriend
How he didn’t care
Or want to talk to me
But you did
And I thought
That was fantastic
Twelve
I thought I was the apple of your eye
But clearly I wasn’t
Thirteen
I got so many good poems out of you, it was crazy
Fourteen
Despite all the red flags I loved you
Fifteen
I was only fifteen