My sweet baby. I prayed for you.
From the moment I could write I always wanted a girl.

The letters I would write started with;

Dear Gabby,

It’s Oct 15 and im peeing on a stick. It’s really as a joke but the longer the clock ticks to the end of the three minutes the thicker the second line gets.

Dear Gabby,

My beautiful baby girl. I found out your gender today. It’s what I’ve always prayed for. A mini me. I know it’s early but I’ve already picked out your middle name. Grace.

Dear Gabbi,

I’ve decided to spell your name gabbi. It means God is my strength in Hebrew. I’ve had so much morning sickness lately and all I want is hot Cheetos and sprite! I can’t wait to meet you baby.

Dear Gabbi,

I’ve always wanted you for so long but baby how can I protect you from him if I can’t even protect myself.

Dear gabbi,

Don’t worry sweetie mommy will figure it out. I’ve been taking pictures because I swear my stomach is already showing. My dad (your grandfather) is going to help us out.

Gabbi,

It’s Dec 21 and I’ve felt my first flutter kicks in the car. It’s almost as if you knew. I am so sorry baby. Mommy just couldn’t bring you into a world where evil was tied to you. I hate myself more than anything.

To my daughter I never knew,

It’s been a year since I found out I was going to be a mom. A year of mourning what could’ve been. Life has been lonely ever since you left and I dream of your face everyday. The evil is gone but he took part of my soul and you along with him. My sweet baby. The one I prayed for.

To my daughter I never knew.

We first met at the fair...

Our eyes locked, we were the perfect pair
Ariel, the mumbling movement of your lips
Drew me, gently, to your side.

My adoration I could not hide,
You made my heart do flips.

Until that sad, sad-sorry day
On the water's edge you lay,
So peaceful, and so frail-

I picked up all the shattered glass
Who knew our story would so soon pass?
A tragic end, to our sweet tale

Watching you float away with the tide,
My beautiful goldfish, had sadly died

They say there's so many fish in the sea
But you're the only one for me


October 5, 2012 with Sarah, Gabbi, Madeline in Introduction to Literary Analysis

17 years-

I can still picture it-
Your love for your kids-
How you always made sure-
There was a good standard to live-
You never varied from what you had to do-
Worked like a man-
To help everyone else’s dreams come true-
I know it wasn’t easy-
Probably more hard than not-
But you always made sure that they had a lot-
And now they have grown and I know they think about you each day-
Sad day, not really sure what I can say-
Except for I love you and I miss you more than you know-
17 years you have been gone but your memory melts the snow-
Say hello to them up there for me-
As here on earth we will continue the family tree-
Gabbi-my uncle-my dad’s best friend-  
The father of my cousins-
Simply a man-
I miss you-I hope heaven is treating you well-
I know one day I will see you , up high above the clouds-
Where smiles rain free and pain is no longer allowed-
This family misses you, today is darker than most-
Tonight I pour a glass and to you I toast-

I love you!

i sat in that mirror

man i stared for a long time

at a girl who’s fought her life

against herself

fighting for this person
that already existed

i thought about younger me

if i could go back in time to tell
her how beautiful she was

that all her battles
she had won

how her hair grew out beautifully
after that bad perm

how she’d grown into someone
who people liked

how she had grown into someone
she liked

all that struggle wasn’t easy
but she won

so as i stared
i thought of
future me
selfishly

telling my current me
everything will work out

you will overcome your struggles

you will grow

you will become someone you love

you don’t have to starve yourself
of opportunity because you created it

love yourself gabbi