I wanted to feel like I wasn't giving up a part of me to build someone else... I wanted
To feel as if the breathe in my lungs weren't trapped trying to find an escape but instead chose to make my chest their home...
I wanted.... I wanted you for me... And me for you. For two souls to combine as if holding onto each other was our only option.. As if no other place could hold our kind of love in place.

For you to love me and for me to hold you
I wanted... To feel like loving you wasn't me being at war with myself.. Like I denied all the parts that made me feel whole because somehow I craved the kind of love you were giving.. The kind of love that made me feel everyday was a fight to keep it. I.. I thought that fighting these battles would help me win this war.  But the battles got harder to fight... We... We were losing these wars.

I wanted .. The fairlytale... For you to be my home, for myself to be able to live within you, to feel safe. For you to carry me through the darkest times.. For you to be the light... For you to be my sun, But nighttime always came... It became long winter nights and short winter days. I kept myself warm thinking that it was the warmth that you provided.  You made me believe that it was the warmth that you provided... That I was in fact the one leaving you cold.

I wanted... For you to stop treating me like your problems stemmed from loving me... Like you weren't the roots that tried to feed itself from this barren soil. As if you didn't know that this soil hadn't been touched for months...hoping that one day the rain would come and soften it... Ready for new roots... This soil only learnt how to hold you and not how to keep you alive ... It died. We both did .. The love that grew from this soil had no fertile ground to grow anymore.

I wanted... To love myself more, so that I wouldn't have given so much of myself loving you... Loving the parts of yourself that you tried to hide from me.. Not try to hide but tried to lie about to me... As if I couldn't see you.. As if I was the one who wasn't experiencing you.. As if those parts that I tried to love, you were ashamed of.

I wanted... More.... But didn't think I deserved it... Because everyday turned into a fight that made me turn against myself.. Losing all of myself hoping you would find me. But how? You couldn't even find you. You got so lost that my very existence reminded you of the all that you had yet to achieve... Like the map had a part cut off only showing you how much you had to go not how much you had left to go..you forgot that you weren't the only passenger on that ship. You... Led me away from myself... To steer you.

I wanted... To let go of you. Because  I realised that I meant more to myself than you ever did . That this heart has the ability to love any pain away! That this smile has the ability to light even the darkest of room... That my strength... Goes far beyond than just loving you... That I am worth loving too
I wanted myself. That's all. To be whole, to be happy and to be loved... Loving you was never enough.
I kept wanting.... You kept taking....my wanting went from wanted until wanting you.. Was no longer what I wanted.