Diving into something new meant diving ... into you. Into unknown waters that don't promise any kind of survival , so learning how to swim. Learning how to bring my head above water again and allowing myself to breathe.
You see... I didn't know that I was holding onto my breath until I had to dive into myself, until I had to realize life is not worth living if one has to focus on how many breathes they take.
But diving into you , isn't about taking a breath but allowing the air to just flow. Allowing it to consume me entirely until I'm floating ...above water , above everything that I held myself back from being.
you see, I felt like I was swimming my whole life , not floating just swimming. Finding new and scarier waters that would take me under , so I learnt my head up just enough to breathe.
But diving , into you is a whole new territory. It is as if those muscles that were built from swimming no longer need to be put into use because now , I can just float.
you see , diving into you means diving into myself , it showed that there are still parts that are drowning , there are still parts of me that I have been drowning , with water that was not good for my consumption but only realized when I finally allowed myself to float , when I finally decided to let myself go and just be.
If I let myself float , I fear that I will forget how to swim but one doesn't forget how to swim ,they just find themselves in new waters , waters where it is more difficult to hide , but not needing too. She just came into terms with that.
Diving into means , allowing myself to feel again without letting the pain that I have endured be used as an anchor around my ankle. You see I have learnt how to swim up with it , not wanting to take it off because that would mean diving into myself. now that I know how it feels like to take off that anchor... I refuse to put it back on.
you see , Life is about diving ... into the unknown, into you , into most importantly myself. As I found out that diving isn't scary anymore because the waters were still.
I am the still, I am the calm but at the same time I can bring the storm. I am capable of destruction but can also be a beautiful reflection of the sunset. so I decided to dive even more. Because now ...it doesn't feel like drowning .
it took a long time for me to publish it because finishing this has been hard the past couple of weeks. I really hope this helps people in all walks in life that life is about diving into the unknown , that unpredictability happens , but not to let it consume you , and just learn to float at the same time not forgetting how to swim when you feel like you are drifting off.
Thank you <3