Final. Complete. Dismiss.
End of lies. End of cries. End of days.
Dazed. Crazed. Dismayed at the fact before it started
It ended.
Reprimand my emotions, why don’t you?
Watch me fall graciously, gracefully to the concrete
A gentle touch ignored
Words unacknowledged
Differences now similarities
Wishes not dreams…
Lost in a sea of worry and despair
Gazing into your eyes were the highlight
And now even in daylight
Just as at night
It’s dark. Empty. Your pools are now shallow.
The depths behind my words were ignored.

Final. Complete. Dismiss.
Our last kiss
My remaining wish
Broken.
No point in hoping.
Crying. I’m fine.
This china was built from a man’s hand.
Sculpted meant to last.
My fragile heart crushed in the fight.
As I tried with all my might.
Patiently I sat. I waited. I wanted. I tried.
And as the night went by, my joy died.
I cried.
You lied.

Final. Complete. Dismiss.
How can I miss something I never had?
Never dared to dream because it all seemed
too pointless.
In my eyes, I placed you above the rest.
You were my test.
No answer key.
Just you and me.
You had no conquest because there was nothing to contest.
What I should have done was confess.
Reveal instead of conceal
And perhaps these feelings wouldn’t/couldn’t exist and be real.
Foolish, I hid them.
Giving you parts of me in parts.
Writings. Words. Actions.
But you are smart.
If I were half the woman I deemed myself to be
You would see.
That with me
Is all that you’d need.
BUT

Finalized. Completed. Dismissed.
I am going to miss… you.
All the things I longed to do with you.
If only you
Were you true…to your heart.
That part…you seem to ignore.
People are so blind to what’s in store
That they rather just be comfortable…and take whatever comes to their door
Step.
Step on my feelings, why don’t you?
Can’t you see a real hurting is here?
I fear because you have your head so far up your rear
You don’t even stop to care.
I’m serious and sometimes I feel like you are so full of ****.
Less than what I envisioned. Less than what I imagined.
Not even legit.
And yet…
Gazing into your eyes were the highlight
And even now in daylight
Just as at night
It’s dark. Empty.
Poetry is my way of formulating
The decaying
Parts of myself.
Me lying there with myself spread wide
Isn’t a woman of pride but one wishing to hide.
Man, that part of me is for no one to take and I gave that to you.
I was so true to you.
Never tried to play you like a fool.
NO rushing.
NO nothing.
But all this time I was frontin.
What I should have done was confess.
Reveal instead of conceal
And perhaps these feelings wouldn’t/couldn’t exist and be real.
I am ******* frustrated. Irritated. Elated with infuriating disbarment
Over this….this gotta be some *******.
****, sweetest **** I ever meant.
And that’s real.
You know what? I finally feel like I know why I don’t feel the thrill anymore
I feel like I’ve been dropped and kicked down to the floor
Just like before
Trying to break free of old habits
But I’m sorry
That **** doesn’t exist.
Chances and fate.
Those two should be set up for a date
So the two of them can relate and conversate
Try to come up with a reason why a sister can’t date
A decent man to save her life
All this heartache and strife
It can’t be that hard.
Right?

Can’t be final.
Can’t be complete.
Can’t be dismiss.*

It can’t be….
It can’t…

It won’t be.
It will not.
Be.

we have each lost a child

in our own way,
some by irreversible mortality,
some by the sea rocks wreckage
of finality of mental disease, disbarment

I have no grave to visit,
if only! a palace to mourn
and celebrate the memories,
might it grant a sorted, seminal healing?

my memories are double bitter real,
still sweet, but biter dark chocolate
encasing bitter almonds casted my
aging doubling regret, my chiefest failure

send an email to someone today,
who refuses my existence, triggered,
heard a U2 song, him, ago, he was an
early discoverer, sharer, of their music

the song provocation was shaking, words,
ripping, words, rent, refreshing, scars uncovered,
decades long, I’m whipped sawed
by ragged teeth deepest cutting irony:

”And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you, oh
I can't live
With or without you
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
With or without you
With or without you, oh
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you”

2:39 PM Sun Feb 29